Monday, July 21, 2014

Know when to hold 'em ...


I watched an old episode of Sex in the City the other night and Carrie went back to Big AGAIN. Pathetic. A bright beautiful sexy woman who morphs into an intolerable, insecure basket case because of this ONE GUY. We've all been there. I remember throwing myself at the wrong guys when I was in my 20s. Even though I was searching for marital bliss, I always seemed to end up with someone who treated me like dirt. And I would keep going back for more. I was knowingly looking for situations that would end in pain. Is it because I didn't think I deserved the love and respect of someone great? Was my everyday life so boring that I needed the drama? Or was I just plain addicted to pain? All of the above.

Fast forward to my husband, nothing like the bad asses I dated. In fact he was TOO nice and when we first met, I didn't even want to give him a chance. Turns out my indifference attracted him more! Men do love bitches after all. I had gotten to a point that my broken heart could not sustain more abuse, so I decided to give him a chance... and the rest is history.

I'm definitely not the same woman I was in my 20s, but I can still feel her. When it hurts, I let myself feel it, but I don't get stuck. I know that karma will take care of it. I also try to change my situation so that I can avoid further pain. This requires some bravery -- as change is never easy. If I could time travel I'd like to go back to my 20s and give myself a hug. While I can't shield myself from pain completely, (that's just part of the dance of life), I can at least make sure my emotional boundaries are secure. I've got to protect my heart afterall.

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