Friday, December 26, 2014

Who am I?

I feel so out of sorts lately.  Yes, I'm going through some mid-life shit lately.  But who the fuck am I anymore?  I feel so anxious, like I'm trying hard to please everyone.  I can't relax and just be me.  And I want so desperately is to do just that.  So in typical Jake fashion, let's break it down and get to the route cause.  When do I feel this way?
work:  I've just started a new job and have to prove myself.  It's a leap for me too.  While I'm a pretty strong functional expert, I'm weak on strategy.  Tactical is my game.  But that's not what's needed unfortunately.  So I have to stretch myself.  I'm faking it right now and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  However, I'm confident that all will slide into place. This awkwardness is just temporary.
home:  I'm trying to be Mother of the Year by making up for all the shit I've caused my kids.  I feel guilty for not being there for them when they need me, for not having the time to cook healthy and delicious meals, for not getting down on the carpet to play with them all the time, for no longer having the means to whisk them away to Fla on vacation.  I am trying to hard and still falling short of my own unreasonable expectations.
other:  I'm stuck in a stressful situation that is completely out of my control.  And that is not a place I feel comfortable with -- putting my happiness in someone else's hands.  Then again, I can and should decide how I want to act, what I need, what I'll accept.  And yet I see myself behaving in ways that contradict what I want and this upsets me greatly.

I think all of this stems from trying to please other people.  I latch on to how I think they want me to behave, and behave accordingly, even when it goes against who I really am.  And the dis-ingenuity of it all makes me feel nauseous because I know that I won't be able to keep it up.  I am duping them and myself.  Got to get off this train.

work:  I'm going to just ask questions when I'm not sure.  I'm new!  Now is the time to ask.  I'm also going to delegate.  My leads are super strong and know what to do.
home:  time to dial it back a bit;  cooking is already off the table.  It will come back when there's less crap on my plate.  I have to lower my expectations of myself.  Now is not normal.  Stop trying to make it normal.
other:  Be strong.  Don't settle.  Ever.  I don't have to win anyone.  I'm pretty darn good as I am.  Be authentic.

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