My kind of XMas

I'm trying to keep XMas stress at bay but can feel it slowly creeping into my psyche.  I think the problem is that my behaviour is in conflict with my desires.  I'd love to finally simplify by NOT:

• entertaining so much
• buying too many presents
• over-planning
• baking/eating so much crap

I' also not living in the present right now, which is something I've decided I must practice in order to find inner-peace.  Building up one measly day of the year will surely result in disappointment. And I'm passing this on to my kids as well.

As I unpacked the tree this afternoon, I couldn't help but feel that it was only yesterday when I tore it down.  And it's always the same every year.  The same gluttony, debt, and more gluttony.

But then there's the kids ... and the happy XMas morning I want to create for them.  But what about the consumerism and buyers remorse?  And the extra pounds?  And all the crap toys that invade what precious empty space I have left in my house? I used to get on my parents case for not putting up their tree after my sister and I moved out.  I finally get it!  I am there.  How nice it would be to just ignore XMas altogether.  Or at least tone it WAY down.  We don't talk about or do anything to plan for XMas until one week before.  Each person gets only ONE gift.  We eat a nice meal together and eat ONE decadent dessert and we do ONE outdoor activity as a family.  And everything goes back to normal the next day.  Now, that's my kind of XMas.

Consumer Guilt

My partner and I binged on XMas shopping for the kids today -- didn't think it was possible to spend 2 HOURS at Toys R U, but there I was and I even had a list. I feel nauseous about how much money we burned for toys that will barely get played with. I feel even more stupid for knowing it and still doing it. What is wrong with me? I don't want to see any disappointment at XMas. I want everyone to get what they wished for. But really, XMas is never like that. Because you rarely know what it is you want and when you get it, it disappoints because it did not live up to your dreams. Yes, this is the same old metaphor of life that I blog about. Thank goodness my partner and I don't exchange gifts. It's tough not getting anything on XMas morning, but getting an outrageous CC bill is far worse. Here's hoping that I'll be able to get off this train and make it a small XMas once and for all.

Get a maid, save your marriage

I feel like everyone I know, save my parents, has a housekeeper. With three young kids, how can you not? is the reaction I typically get. The cost is my main prohibitor -- $120 is a new pair of shoes. I work really hard to pinch pennies. How can I justify paying someone to do something I am just too lazy to do? It's not like I'm doing hundreds of hours of volunteerism, studying for my masters or training for a marathon with my free time. I will likely waste more time watching TV and surfing if I don't have to clean. Plus I will unrealistically expect the house to be spotless if I am paying someone to clean it. Then again, it will get done and my partner and I will stop resenting each other for not doing their part. He certainly helps with the day-to-day dishes, sweeping, tidying. But the big jobs get neglected by both of us, until it gets embarrassingly bad.

What to do? I'd suggest giving it a 'try' but unfortunately once you go there, you just can't go back. Perhaps if I try to prioritize and organize my time better, I will feel less guilty for how I'm using my free time and feel more deserving of a housekeeper.

Karma, why are you always on my ass?

No sooner do I toot my own horn about what a great single parent I am and how easy it was to take care of everything while my partner was on business, then Karma shows up to bitch slap me in the face with another business trip. WTF!!
Thankfully this one won't be as long. But why get me when I'm down? I need a break. Did I not show enough appreciation? I adore the kids, but I miss not having the freedom to just leave the house. I miss not having someone to defer to when I am not up to task. I miss not having the choice to be irresponsible. This sucks ass. BUT I do know for sure that I can do it alone and that I'll probably be stronger for it too.

Welcome Home!

I'm really big on letting people I care about know when they've been missed. I think we all deserve a hero's welcome when we've been away from home. I'm glad you're back. I missed you. If feels nice to know that you matter to someone else, that your absence affected them in some way. It doesn't have to be fancy (although I'll never forget how special I felt when an old boyfriend picked me up at the airport with flowers). It just has to be sincere. I even let colleagues know I'm glad to have them back in the office. Think of the good vibes you get when dear pet greets you at the door, especially after you've had a shitty day.

For me welcoming someone home is right up there with wishing them on their birthday. A birthday wish says "I'm happy that you were born." I've taken it upon myself to wish all my friends, family and colleagues, regardless if they wish me. I suppose people figure that aging past certain milestones should not be celebrated. Not me. I hope the kids learn from my example. I know that tomorrow they will adorn their dad with hugs and kisses and that it will be straight from the heart. I can't wait to see it for myself.

You Can Do It!

I deserve a gold star, if I don't say so myself. I survived two weeks of single parenthood and did a bang up job. Not only did I do my partner's regular chores -- baths, teeth, reading, garbage and dishes, but I also got down on the ground and PLAYED with the kids. We wrestled, did acrobatics, biked, baked, did crafts, played floor hockey, sang, danced. I don't know what I was dreading because it was FUN. The discipline was tough because I forgot how much I defer to my partner. I also missed not getting a break until after 10 pm and I missed exercise. But what a great experience to show me how capable I truly am and to make me grateful for having a super partner to share the load. I had forgotten about this since running the half last year -- the old adage is true -- "you can do anything you put your mind to".

Stay-at-home parenting

What would our lives be like if I took a leave of absence from work and stayed at home with the kids? Visions of breaking up fights, wracking my brain for ideas to entertain them and being driven mad with their whining and fussing immediately come to mind. But then there's the connection that only comes from spending time together. I would get to experience every milestone with them. I'd be there after a rough day at school. I wouldn't feel like I am shirking my parenting responsibilities on daycare. I'd have time to take care of everyone, including myself. It seems simple enough. My youngest is still young enough to make it worth while. DO IT!
But then there's the part of me that identifies with my job. I am more than someone's mother. I have my own thing going on. Work is also my escape. I like the money too, even if half goes to daycare. And yet I know that I will have regrets about not doing this. The kids need me now, not when we finally pay off our debt. What to do? Nothing. Not brave enough.

Pooka

My cat died yesterday and I'm not as upset as I should be. She's lived with my parents for the past 11 years, so I'm not feeling the sense of loss as deeply as they are and this makes me feel heartless.

I will miss her though. She was a real class act as far as cats go. Look at her here, even as a kitten, sitting pretty. We were single girl and cat. And I'll never forget how she comforted me during those lonely years. She also really helped my folks deal with their empty nest and gave my Mom the unconditional love and affection that had been missing in her life for years. Mom especially is not taking this well. I'm touched that my Dad is sad too. You don't realize how integral someone is to your life until they are gone. They'd give anything to have her back. This really sucks. RIP my sweet little Pooka.

Camping

When I heard myself go off on how miserable camping is the other day I couldn't help but wonder why we subject ourselves to this misery. I detest the planning (even though I am a planning freak), the packing, bugs, sweat, grime, discomfort, boredom. It's really not fun. But I know why we do it -- it's the challenge that I enjoy. Sometimes I feel like we are too soft in the city. We need to get away from the comforts of home, even if it's for 3 days a year. We need to connect with nature and disconnect from our amenities. Really, the best part about camping is pulling into our driveway and stepping into our beautiful home after three days of 'roughing it' in the bush. I love the feeling of gratitude that washes over my entire being. Any complaints I have about how messy and run down our house is are instantly replaced with an immense gratitude for a hot shower, comfy bed, clean clothes and yummy supper. It'd be nice if I could just skip the camping and jump straight to the gratitude. I certainly try, but it's not the same feeling as depriving yourself of pleasure and then rewarding yourself afterwards. So that's why we are camping -- it's tough medicine, but it's worth it!

Lady killer

My 2 year old is going to be an amazing lover when he's grown. I can tell by how affectionate he is. First the touching -- he loves to touch women especially their legs and arms. It surprises people at first, but then it becomes rather addictive, his gentle caresses. The female daycare providers even comment on how much they love his touching! Next are the hugs. Those little arms wrapped around my neck fill me with joy. And then the kissing -- my boy loves to kiss people -- full on, straight and centre. He is one Casanova.

I want to hold Mommy

When my 2 year old told me this tonight, my heart melted. It's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever told me. I keep re-playing his words in my head. We love our kids regardless of how they feel about us, but being on the receiving end of their affection is a definite parenting perk. I will miss these days. I already miss never having another baby. What made today extra special was that my boy and I really bonded. We played together in the park, one-on-one. I gave him 100% of my attention and did he ever soak it up. It was difficult to ignore the other parents but I am so glad that I played with my child. I've got to do more of this before it's too late. Already my eldest is spending more time on his own or with his friends then with us. Here's my answer right here in front of me. This is how I can give back to the world.

Financial independence

A few times a year I do a financial sanity cheque to make sure we are still on target for our goals -- pay down debt as quickly as possible, live comfortably, save for the future. When it came time to renew our mortgage a few weeks ago my partner suggested upping it by $100 since he got a small raise. Sadly, I had no idea if we could afford that or not -- in fact, I have no idea how much of our income goes towards housing! So I sat down and crunched the numbers and while it would be great to be mortgage free one day, it doesn't eat away as much of our income as I thought it would. And there's no way that one of us could afford to quit our jobs when that fateful day arrives. So what does this pie chart tell me. Vacation is embarrassingly low until the kids get older. They are plenty happy doing little day trips around town, camping or weekends in Mtl -- all of which are super economical. I have not added in rainy day savings because we just drained our emergency fund to cover our solar project -- but we should start re-building it soon. I feel guilty about how little we give to charity. In fact I'm ashamed. I also feel badly that I haven't kicked my restaurant habit, eventhough I feel chained to my stove. Is there any wiggle room? Can I afford to get a housekeeper @ $240/month? FFS, I'm a Business student. I'm supposed to be good with money. Maybe I should just hand it over to my partner. He's really good at scraping pennies. He'll have us on Mr. Noodle and canned peaches in no time.

Business trip fallout

As much as I am relieved to have my partner back to share the load, I can tell he would much rather be on business. I don't blame him really -- the kids are extra annoying and needy these days. He says they need to be house-broken after a week of being spoiled. Fine. Yell at them all you want, it won't make a difference. They'll still fight, disobey and whine. They are kids afterall and these are the best days of our fucking lives. I don't know what I expected really -- I'd probably feel the same way had I gotten a nice long break from the family that drives me mental. Of course now I am starting to feel guilty. I love them. They are dear to me. It's just really hard to be 'on' all the time. Hopefully my partner will get over his disappointment and move onto acceptance. They say that one day I will look back on these crazy days with fondness and longing. I will only remember the good and give anything to be back where I am right now. Perhaps.

Mother's Day

It's been a day from heaven. Wow. Where do I start? A dozen long stem roses. Gak, when I saw the long box, I nearly choked because even though I love flowers, I cannot fully appreciate their beauty when they cost as much as a pair of shoes. Thankfully my partner bought them through the Kiwanis Club so they were cheap, charitable and beautiful. WIN! Breakfast in bed was delectable -- yummy eggs, fruit salad, buttery raspberry scone and hot coffee, delivered by three of the proudest and cutest little munchkins ever. And then a showering of homemade cards, poems, crafts while still cuddled up in bed with all three cherubs. I wish every morning could be so great. The rest of the day was spent outside at the Tulip Festival and back home lounging around, picking at chores every now and then. It's been one of the best Mother's Days ever.

Things are going to tough tomorrow as I settle back into my old job. Today will be my happy place. I don't want anything to ruin my mood. I am so lucky to be the mother for three unique and wonderful children and to have a partner so involved and considerate. Sigh, I wish today would never end.

He's come alive!

Spending time with his family (parents, brothers and their families) is the one thing that truly makes my partner happy. He completely comes alive when they are together. It's nice to see him so elated and at the same time I feel like time with us must feel like a death sentence for him. Maybe it's an Italian thing, that deep connection to your family. Of course when I say 'my family' I think of the kids and my partner. Getting hitched meant officially leaving my folks and starting anew. Not so with my partner.

Maybe it's because there is no real obligation with extended family, not like at home. Everyday is a struggle with three young kids. There is no real break to be had. But with extended family, they take care of you and you don't really have to give back. Maybe he just misses being a kid and likes to have someone dote on him again? I feel that way with my family. My Mom is my biggest supporter. I know that she and my Dad will never let me down. I also know that they love me unconditionally. Whereas at home, we have to earn each other's love. Yeah, I'm starting to get this now. And there's nothing wrong with loving those that love you the most. I know I can't make him that happy and that's okay.

Hard Work

Having recently read the book Outliers which challenges the way we look at success (hard work and opportunity vs talent and luck), I was really struck by the effect of hard work. Apparently 10 000 is the magic number of hours you need to put in before you can be considered an expert. Most people fall way short of practicing anything -- an instrument, sport, computing even. It's got me thinking again about how I view my kid's free time. Right now they are still young -- I want them to play as much as they can and to enjoy the freedom of having zero responsibility. Family time is about doing fun things together, not schlepping them to endless scheduled activities. I want them to be generalists and be exposed to a variety of interests so that they can eventually find their 'thing'. But am I doing them a disservice by not helping them develop their talents sooner?

The book also examined the principals of hard work and discipline. It suggested that countries (typically Asian) that have a longer school year, produce smarter children. I've thought a lot about supplementing my child's learning with my own 'Mommy school' (I did teach my son to read after all) on weekends and during evenings. But then the whining starts and I feel guilty for intruding on their playtime. Plus I trust that our school is making the best use of time with my kids. And then I think about what a waste my own elementary school days were...

I'm beginning to think that this 'Kumon Method' of learning by wrote (for math especially) is the way to go. Math is just one of those things that you've got to practice over and over again in order to build confidence. You hear about it in Asian countries -- kids reciting their times tables and doing pages and pages of the same kinds of problems until it's embedded. My kids are going to hate me for this, but I can't get it out of my head. I don't want them to have the same fear of basic math that I have (you know the sudden urge to leave the room when the cheque arrives and you have to calculate the tip ... can't wait to start using the 'I forgot my glasses' excuse for that one).

At any rate, it's given me a lot to think about -- the value of hard work. Yeah, it's right up there with teaching my kids love and respect. I need to do something about this.

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT!

I've been thinking a lot about my parent's relationship these days. They're coming up on their 38 year anniversary. I know most people would see it as an accomplishment to be proud of. Not me. My parents have a terrible relationship -- there's little if any love left. Yes, I know there are worse ones out there and yes I know that by the time you're in your 70s, what is there left to do with each other but bicker? I'm just sick of seeing my mom give and give of herself and get so little in return. My dad's been rejecting her for 40 years and still she clings to him like a dog to an abusive owner. I remember as a child he would threaten to leave her. In the midst of a heated argument he'd start packing his suitcase. A couple of times he even left for a few days. My mom would break down bawling, promise to change, beg him to stay. Just thinking about it now makes me really angry. I would have given anything to hear her say just once " GO! AND DON'T LET THE DOOR FUCKING HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT!"

I've read that a women's primary needs are to feel loved and cherished by her partner. Feeling rejection and abandoned are our deepest fears. It's worse for women who grew up witnessing their mother being rejected or also if they themselves did not feel loved by their fathers. Apparently that's what makes us feel like we are undeserving of love. Even when our partners try to display their love, some of us just won't let them. *Sigh* I'm going to write more about this later. It's definitely worth exploring. I can't undo my childhood. In fact I'm not comfortable with blaming my parents. In many ways they did an excellent job raising us considering how dysfunctional their own childhoods were. I'd like to focus on what I can do to get what I need without compromising who I am. I also want my kids to see that two adults can live together in a mutually fulfilling and loving relationship. I can't think of a better way to give them the FAITH they'll need in their own relationships!

As for my folks, they certainly have mellowed in their age, there's not many things left to fight about I guess. But my dad still threatens to walk out now and then. Finally the other day my mom told him that she's tired of hearing it. She didn't tell him to Fuck Off like I wish she would. She just quietly said "please stop, I've had enough". Way to go Mom! xx

Lunch!

Nothing says 'I love you' more than a packed lunch. In a few weeks, two out five of us are going to need packed lunches during the work week and I'm starting to have major anxiety about it. But rather than get all deflated, I know that if I work it into my routine and make sure I have the right ingredients on hand, I'll have enough time to turn out healthy, tasty, varied and litter-less lunches for my wee ones. I might even make lunch for myself, instead of shoving a tablespoon of peanut butter down my throat with a couple saltines (no, I don't even spread the PB, I am THAT lazy).

I love it when someone makes my lunch for me. It's such a treat! Doesn't have to be fancy -- PB&J will do. What an incredibly sweet gesture. Oh, and it tastes SO much better than when I make it. I feel guilty that I never appreciated how many lunches my Mom made for me -- right up until I was 22. I even complained about sandwiches. GAWD, I would give anything for a one of my Mom's lunches. In fact on the rare days that I have the car, I try to make some kind of excuse to end up at my parent's house for lunch. As soon as Mom hears me pull up, she's in the kitchen whipping up my lunch. Ahhhhh. Just thinking about it is making me really hungry.

Not that I am a Frugalista, I've got to get in the habit of making my own lunch. I used to pay a Lunch Lady to do this for me. They were TO DIE FOR -- salads, mains and homemade desserts made from vegetarian local fresh organic ingredients -- all packaged in the cutest bento boxes. Check it out. Well, I can't afford $12 for lunch these days, so I will have to go on my own. I won't set myself up for failure. This will require a bit of planning. I know myself -- I'm all gangbusters at the start, braggin' about my AWESOME lunches and then I get PMS or get into a fight with my spouse and it's off the wagon. I accept that this might happen. But I will keep trying. It's bound to stick. I have no choice but to feed my children, what's one extra bologna sandwich anyway?

Field Games

My son came home from school today bursting with excitement -- it was his first time playing Field Games. OH YEAH! I used to LOVE those days.

First of all, there was no classroom work -- you got to be outside the entire afternoon and it wasn't even gym class. And then the games -- a whole circuit organized around the entire field. You didn't know what kind of race you'd be doing until you got there, but you knew that you'd get a chance to play them ALL. The big kids would explain the rules -- ahhhh, I remember being in awe of the older kids -- they never talked to us before and here they were asking me what my name was, helping me and cheering me on. Awesome. I remember I'd get so nervous waiting for my turn -- I'd look across to the opposing line-up and hope to gawd I'd be up against someone just as un-athletic as myself. Big sigh of relief, wait, oh no, the other team was ahead, now you'd be up against their ringer! Never mind, the challenge of carrying the soaking sponge to the pail without wasting a precious drop was all I had to focus on. And then race back, slide-tackle in the grass to the end of the line. I'd look across the field to see what looked like the most fun -- for me, it was always the dress-up relay. You'd get to put on the silliest clothes and just run. Man, was that fun. Who can forget the sound of the horn that would tell you to move to the next game? And that McDonald's orange drink -- BOOYEAH! Gimme some of that syrupy goodness.

Ahhh, I still love party games. Too bad most adult parties are just about making small talk. Maybe I'll mix it up a bit at my next soirée? Or maybe not. Getting to hear my son talk about how much fun he had today was the real treat.

Live to eat or eat to live?

I decided yesterday that I am done with gourmet cooking. A few years ago, I embarked on a culinary challenge -- to cook only exotic and tantalizing meals that were bursting with flavour. Mediocrity was no longer an option. And it was a success -- I've scoured recipe books and websites, watched hours and hours of Food TV and have cooked a wide assortment of meals any foodie would be proud of serving. But lately, I find the pressure to keep turning out new meals does not fit with our busy lives. More ingredients to shop for and prep, more time to marinate and braise and more fucking dishes. Who am I doing this for? The kids couldn't care less. In fact, it's always a battle trying to get them to try yet another new dish. I've proved that I can cook. I can improvise, cook for a crowd, and invent delicious recipes. Yes, I am a good cook.

I finally realize why my mother's cooking was so plain. Time. There are other things I want to be doing with my time right now. I'm not ditching my principals -- meals will still be healthy, cheap, and tasty. I'm just done with trying to strive for perfection. I broke the news to my partner last night and he was disappointed. But he agreed that there's a time and place for everything. Gourmet meals will now be the exception rather than the norm. We might even start appreciating them more. It's a lifestyle choice.