there is no such thing as a stupid question

Wrong!  Most questions that my spouse asks me are in fact stupid.  And most of the time I ignore him completely.  My silence says "don't disrupt my peace with your stupid question, you should know the answer to this, I am so fed up that you would even think to ask me, you are on your own with this problem".  I would also add "I think so little of you right now". OUCH!! I didn't realize just how damaging this was until a good friend of mine was telling me how much it hurt to feel unsupported.  "Take a look in the mirror D" is all I could think. I do this in spades.  And not just with my partner too.  My silence hurts worse than words.

Time to dig a little deeper to the root of my annoyance:
1) I really admire resourcefulness:  so when someone asks me what I think is a stupid question, I lose a little bit of respect for them.  We are always trying to encourage our kids to figure things out on their own and to help themselves.  Man up! is all I want to scream.
2) I feel disrespected:  my motto is 'dont ask someone to do something you can do yourself'. "Mind getting me a fork (seeing as you are up)".  A few times is okay, but it's an easy trap to fall into.  Fine line between efficiency and laziness.
3) He's not learning the lesson:  same question over and over again is exasperating.  Does he save his intellect for the office, because I see no effort on his part to actually learn from the experience.  Again, goes back to respect.

But in all fairness, maybe he's forgotten the answer or truly wants (and respects) my opinion or wants me to be a part of the process (e.g. making dinner together).  Also, sometimes it's just quicker (and safer) to ask rather than risk failure ... and suffer the consequences of pissing me off. :-(

Better to just answer the question and shelf the feelings of annoyance.  But if still pissed, I could try gently -- yes gently reminding him that I prefer he not ask me that question because "insert reasonable reason". Practice:
Q: should I cook these together in the same over or in separate ovens?
D: I don't have an opinion on that.
  ... too bitchy, try again
D: why do you ask?
  ... answering a question with a question that basically says "why would you ask me such a stupid question", try again
D: I don't think it really matters.  By the time the lower oven heats up, the first batch will be done.  If you're not in a hurry then just wait a few extra minutes.
good answer, but I am still feeling annoyed that he asked me this, try again
D:  I'd appreciate it if you would try to figure these things out on your own rather then ask me just because I am here.  Even though I may look available, there's often a million things going on in my head and I don't like to be interrupted to answer something I think you already know the answer to or answer something you could just figure out on your own.  I feel that you don't respect my time.

Yikes.  I need to work on this.

Sibling Rivalry

Like most parents, the kids fighting really grates on our nerves. How can we have peace in our lives with this constant bickering. I'm tired of being their referee!

Here's a nice summary from the book Siblings Without Rivarly:

Level I - Normal Bickering
Ignore it!

Level II - Situation heating up, adult intervention might be helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger (e.g. "you two sound mad at eachother")
2. Reflect Each Child's Point of View (e.g. "So Johnny you want to play with the game because you found it first. And you Susie feel you are entitled to a turn too")
3. Describe the Problem with Respect (e.g. "That's a tough one -- two children and only one game")
4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution
(I'm sure you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you")
5. Leave the room

Level III - Situation Possibly Dangerous
1. Inquire (e.g. "is this a play fight or a real fight?")
2. Reminding children that playfighting is by mutual consent -- if both aren't haven't fun, then it's got to stop
3. Respect your feelings (e.g. "you may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity")

Level IV - Situation Definitely Dangerous Adult Intervention Necessary
1. Describe what you see (e.g. "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other")
2. Separate the children ("It's not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room and you to mine")

BLEH!! I'm so used to jumping in and screaming at them. How can I possibly stay calm enough to be empathetic? Apparently this works. I have friends who say this WORKS.

Back Talk

I'm really frustrated with my kids whining and back talk lately.  I end up sparring with them, when I should remain calm and demand respect.

"Be sure to emphasize the message that you will not listen to what they have to say until they are able to speak to you in a calm and respectful manner."

Whatev. This is hard.  Time to draw a parallel --in the same way we taught them as toddlers that it's unacceptable to hit, we should be teaching them that it's unacceptable to be disrespectful. Period.

Remain calm.  "Remind yourself that the calmer you are and the less you let yourself be affected by sassy back talk, the more your child will learn to use positive ways to express his opinions."

I'm *trying* to apply this right now and I can see it working, a bit.  The kids are reasonable.  My BFF is very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt.  What's behind the behaviour?  I don't instinctively do this, but with practice I know I will get there.  "Keep it together"  great advice from Eddie Murphy.

Rethinking Anger

 

I do not react well to outbursts of anger.  My heart starts beating fast, I tense up, I am afraid.  So rather than deal with issues, I often try to avoid the angry outburst that I might cause my partner to have.  But as I read ´The Highly Sensitive Person in Love´, it talks about ´moral anger´ which is reflective anger that is expressed when your partner has crossed the line.  For example, if you have a clear boundary (e.g. he must call when he expects to be late and he doesn't call) the anger is justified to underscore the importance of the boundary.  Otherwise you will get walked over.  I find that perspective interesting.  This is different from anger that is meant to hurt (attack, obtain victory, annihilate).
For me, I have to learn that I will give and receive anger at higher levels then I would like.  But that is okay.  I should ask my partner to express his needs and complaints without anger -- or to at least take a time out so that we can calm down.  Another tip is to try and see what´s behind the anger.  Have I crossed a boundary that I shouldn´t have?  Have I stirred a sense of shame somehow?  What does he fear right now?  Why does he need to be angry? None of this is my forte.  Good to know though.

the Highly Sensitive Child

Another great parenting book to help me navigate my way.  This one on parenting the Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) was particularly helpful for learning how to deal with my eldest.  I find we are not as close and I have less patience for what I realize now are behaviours that come from being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  Rather than summarize the book, I made note of a few points that I need to keep in mind.  Luckily, most of the suggested parenting tips are ones I already strive for -- empathy, natural consequences, spending time with your child, respect, love.

Tendencies and Advice:

1. he notices subtleties: I'm both amazed and frustrated with this inate ability.  How wonderful it must be to be atune to and be able to appreciate SO much.  But at the same time it can lead to OCD-type behaviour, such as a need to be obsessively clean, or a fussiness for itchy fabrics.  With three kids in a busy household, I can't accomodate his desire for everything to be 'just so'.  The book suggests:

• awknowledging his discomfort (empathy) and then telling him how and when it will end.  Show respect for his response (something I don't do well), sympathy for his desired need, and my own valid reason to delay (or do nothing) (e.g. we have to use up this brand because we cannot afford to waste it).  He will grow in the ability to understand.  
• put him in charge of solving his own problems (e.g. if he's fussy with his socks then put him in charge of finding his own socks). 
• put limits on what you can be expected to do (e.g. I will tie your shoes for you up to three times, trying to follow your instructions, but after that it will have to suffice because by then I will frustrated too and won't have the time to continue).

2. he becomes easily overstimulated: Advice here is to don't let him go into a test unprepared -- talk about what could go wrong and how to handle it. Help him enjoy activities in a non-competitive environment.

3. he has stronger reactions: Advice to parents is to remain non-defensive; let him fully express his emotions (perhaps even in a private place) and be patient with him.  Admittedly, this is the hardest for me to do because I don't like strong reactions.

4. he will be cautious to proceed with new situations:  See the new situation from his perspective; point out what is familiar or what he has mastered; suggest small steps (e.g. tell him 'you don't have to talk, if you don't want to')

As a non-HSP I am likely to feel impatient because he pauses before acting. Expect that decisions in particular will be slow .... have patience!

Some other advice:

• don't make him your confidant (HSPs are great listeners)
• avoid teasing (he likely hears an undercurrent of hostility or superiority that comes with)
• ask for affection (e.g. ask "would you like a hug?") instead of demanding it; keep affection light and brief
• avoid invoking shame: feeling guilty assumes you did something wrong but that it's something you can make right; shame assumes you are bad and helpless to fix things (typical signs are hangs head, averts eyes, etc.). HSCs feel shame easily (it's self-inflicted), but they use the experience to learn -- they enjoy feeling virtuous and secure that they will never learn that kind of shame again from a similar experience
• practice gentle discipline (no punishment):  an explanation of why the behaviour is wrong should suffice; HSCs are hard enough on themselves, harsh punishment is too much to bear for most

Great advice here.  Not always easy to remember when I am in the moment.

Predictors of Divorce

I finally read John Gottman on a friend's recommendation. Not a lot I didn't know, but presented in a way that makes you think about how harmful words can be. Gottman claims there are 4 predictors of divorce. I won't summarize them all, but will stress the ones I have to work on.

Criticism: thankfully complaining is normal, we live together after all and there will be many things that will piss us off about each other's behaviour. Criticism is when you complain beyond the behaviour -- you attack the person. And that's bad. But it's what often happens. My partner is super sensitive too. So any complaint that I voice is always taken personally. In my case, it's better to not complain at all. Just accept.

Contempt: my eye-rolling, mockery and sarcasm are signs of contempt. It's the most poisonous because it conveys disgust. You can't solve your differences when you don't have love in your heart. So it's important to fight the negative thoughts, combat them with gratitude and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Defensiveness: It's only normal to act defensive when you are being attacked. Problem for me is that it's my first line of defense. Rather than just listen and think "k, maybe he has a point here" or "he's obviously upset, listen to what he is saying" I disparage his complaint, illegitimize his feelings and dish it right back at him. Being defense is a form of blaming your partner. When I'm defensive I'm saying "The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

All of this eventually leads to stonewalling or 'shutting down'. Too often I walk away when the conversation goes bad or I avoid talking about what's bothering me because I know it will just lead to another argument. According to this book, another thing we avoid is the feeling of flooding -- the emotional turmoil you feel when you are being attacked, or ignored. Apparently the racing heart rate, sweating, shortness of breath prevents us from being able to reason, listen and problem solve. So in order to avoid the flooding, we disengage emotionally from the relationship. We start to live parallel lives. We eventually get divorced.

Healthy marriages weather conflict because they are able to successfully administer 'repair attempts' (e.g. "Let’s take a break,” “Wait, I need to calm down") in order to deescalate touchy subjects. Couples still have love in their hearts and are able to see through their problems in a healthy productive way. The repair attempts also lower the flooding that comes from conflict so that you are physically able to work it out.

So there you go. Another self-help book that left me feeling entirely depressed about my marriage. I find myself complaining about a lot less these days. But still carry a lot of contempt in my heart. I too take a lot of what's said way too personally and it's really difficult to work anything out when you feel so horrible about how you think you are being treated. I know he feels the same way.  Hopefully I will be able to apply what I learn here.

Making Nice

This is still a new way of life for me, being considerate of other people's feelings, resisting the urge to criticize, putting peace ahead of the need to be right. I can see it working in some of my relationships. Friends and colleagues seem more at ease with me and I like the feeling of being in people's good books. But then there's the real D on the inside who wants to tear a strip off her partner and hurt his feelings to feel good. I worry that my niceness is just a cover-up and that the real me will explode with words that cannot be taken back.

Some would argue that it's just plain old honesty and that we should be strong enough to take the bad with the good. I'm not so sure. Criticism builds resentment which erodes relationships. Sure, in the heat of the moment, you give your partner room to 'let you have it' and you don't take it personally when they are frustrated. But some of it sticks and continues to hurt and also builds up over time.

Even though there's bile bubbling up inside me, the small victories give me hope that this could stick. Take today, we drove all the way out to Michael's to use a coupon on two frames. I bought the first one and returned to the car so that my partner could by the 2nd one (limit one per customer? pshaw! yes, I am THAT cheap - I am my Dad). Typically, he bought the wrong one (even after I showed him which one to buy) and I didn't realize this until we were home. I did make a big stink about it, so I can't say that I'm converted (my sister would've quietly returned it without a word). But what I didn't do was get personal (e.g. why does this always happen, I can't count on you, you are such a fuck up, etc.). K, that last one even I wouldn't say. When I pointed out the error, he laughed, acted all silly, made the kids laugh and I had a good chuckle too. Much better!

Constructive Criticism

I'm reminded of some sage advice from the book "How to win friends and influence people" -- don't criticize, ever. Tonight I approached my partner about an email he wrote to our friends to cancel a camping trip we had planned with them for next weekend. The email was all business and showed no sign of remorse. It's not how I would have handled things. In fact I thought he was going to call them. Of course what's done is done. I have no idea how they feel about it, but if it were me receiving that email, I would've been pissed. So I spoke up. I even thought about how I could gently put it to him without sounding critical. And I fell flat on my face. He got all angry and defensive and told me that if I didn't like how he handled it, then I should've done it myself. Ugh. I SUCK at constructive criticism. Even as the words left my mouth, I knew it would be a mess. Why did I feel compelled to say anything. They are HIS friends afterall. Now he's pissed and I feel like crap. It was hardly a fight, but it really got me thinking about criticism and if there ever is an appropriate time to 'correct' someone. No, there is not. The world is critical enough without having to hear it at home too.

Be back in an hour

Lies. We purposefully underestimate how long something will take to make it seem more saleable. When I tell my partner that I'm running an errand at the mall and will be back in half an hour I know that I am outright lying because it will take me that long in travel time alone. But I lie regardless. When he did this to me this week, I completely lost it. Not only was I caught off-guard with his sudden departure when I was expecting his help with the kids, I felt completely disrespected -- that it was somehow acceptable to ignore my needs and devalue my time. Yes, I blew this WAY out of proportion. But the silver lining here was that it made me realize that I DO THE EXACT SAME THING. I think that my white lie eases the pain of my absence when in fact it only makes things worse because it sets expectations that will not be kept. Another opportunity to improve D. Thank you universe!

I figured it out!

With a little help :-). I think I understand the source of my relationship angst. I can't stand it when my partner talks to me like a child -- commands me to do something, demands compliance. When I tell him how this makes me feel, he defends himself with every excuse possible which makes me feel worse because he's basically telling me that my feelings don't count -- more childhood neurosis. There is no arguing with my partner -- in his mind he is rarely wrong. Feeling completely unloved and unrespected, I pull away. I am the Ice Queen for days. But it kills me inside because I don't like it when we are not getting along. The lack of any kind of affection is too much to take and finally I cave in. I apologize, we have sex and start all over again. This has been my life for the past two years. I am grateful for finally knowing exactly what it is that's pissed me off all this time. I just saved myself thousands of dollars of couples therapy! Now, how to fix it. It should be easy -- my partner has to change. WRONG ANSWER -- I cannot expect him to change. Been there with other relationships, bought the break-up t-shirt. I HAVE TO CHANGE. I have to forgive my Dad for never once considering my Mom's feelings or respecting her wishes. I have to forgive him for barking orders at us like soldiers in his platoon, for never once considering our feelings or letting us express an opposing view. I have to realize that most of us are naturally defensive when accused of a wrong-doing. I have to just accept that my partner is a defense attorney at heart and that he will not change. I should also insist that he treat me respectfully.  It's a deal breaker. Will these changes fix what's broken? Time will only tell. At least it's a start. I already feel better from just typing it.

Knowing your stuff

I know that I've really solidified my understanding of something when I can explain it to someone else -- especially someone like my Mom or my 5 year old. Better yet, is to be so confident of your understanding that you can politely challenge someone else's thinking. I was given the opportunity to present the other side to a colleague today who is fresh out of school and got all of his economic info from his professors who sing the praises of the monetary system. I was pretty psyched to expand his understanding by showing him the harsh realities of the system. But as I started to head down that path, I started stumbling. I was all over the place -- interest rates were up, inflation was up (or is that down), foreign currency was devalued (is that a good thing). After what seemed like an eternity of incoherent babbling, I resorted to useless ad hominems -- "yeah, those fat cats on wall street are assholes, there's collusion on both sides, the whole system is fucked up". Way to go D! Important lesson today -- when you're not really sure about something, just keep your mouth shut. And if you want to know more about something, then really LEARN about it -- from others who know and by reading reliable sources, not 5 min Youtube vids.

The Review from Hell

Time to reflect on my Performance Review -- the review from hell. Rather than talk about ways to build on my strengths and overcome weakness it was an open stage for my manager to dredge up everything that pissed her off about my performance. I was accused of purposely hiding my work and not keeping her informed, taking on extra tasks to avoid working on my priorities, tarnishing my manager's career and being disrespectful and unprofessional by talking about her to her manager, being unable to communicate with people whose opinions differed from my own, and being unable to recognize when I was in over my head. I think there's more, but it disgusts me to write it.

It should not surprise me. We have a horrible working relationship and she blames me for her own poor performance and lack of leadership. That's not to say that I don't have faults. I do have a difficult time respecting the authority of those I fee don't desserve it. And I don't like being supervised for work I know how to do, which is why we are a match made in hell. She needs compliance -- someone who wants to be micro-managed and who will pander to her insecurities. I want autonomy, respect, and most of all PEACE. So rather than take the high road and politely smile at all these accusations, I fought back. And sadly, I legitimized her attacks by addressing them. But the Abused has to fight back or she cannot get better. So I should not regret it. I feel stronger because of it and for that alone I should be grateful. I should not let her negativity erode my self worth. I have already stewed about this for 7 hours. Innerpeace where are you?

Realize that none of this matters. The people whose opinions REALLY count know what I am capable of. More importantly, I know what I did, what I can do, what I will do. Keep that in your heart D and press on.

Dogma

At what point does having an opinion become preaching your own dogma? I worry about this because I enjoy sharing my viewpoint on a topic but I don't want to come off as being opinionated or preachy. A senior colleague of mine told me yesterday that when people won't re-assess their views when presented with new evidence, there's no point even consulting them anymore. Yikes! I don't want that to be me. Is it too late?

I also worry about the effect it has on my kids. My last post on teaching my kids about consumerism has got me thinking about it. I don't want to send them the message that they have to conform to my views.  This is how I was raised. I want them to develop their OWN opinions.

A good friend of mine is quite good at keeping personal opinions in check. Wait to be asked. Don't be offended if someone's opinion is contrary to your own. Rather than defend your own views, ask questions and use the opportunity to educate yourself on the other side. This will either help you adjust your opinion or solidify it. People will respect you for it and if they are appreciative of your respect for hearing their side, they might want to do the same and hear your views. I suck at this! I get too emotional about my opinions. I identify myself with my beliefs. And I think people with opposing viewpoints are misinformed -- they are just wrong -- wrong and stupid. :-)

Again, this is something I can work on. When I see the dogma in others, it makes me even more aware. Using my friend's approach helps too. This I am grateful for. Climate change deniers, NeoCons, Pro Lifers .... bring it!

What doesn't kill you ...

Sometimes the people who have the most powerful effect on our lives are the ones who cause us the most pain. Damn straight. I'm not one to go searching for the silver lining, but I'm really beginning to see how my dysfunctional relationships are major growth opportunities. Sadly, it takes me an awfully long time to learn the lesson and often I drag my esteem around in the muck before I rise up, but it does eventually happen and for that I am grateful. When I look at other people whining about someone else making their life miserable (the same thing I do on a daily basis), I want to tell them "look, I know you think that life as dolled you out a terrible pile of shit right now, but try looking at this as an opportunity: to learn to let go, to try and see the person behind the dysfunction, to focus on the positive, to learn to be patient, to turn the other cheek, to keep it together". OMG, is this not what marriage teaches us? I'm sounding all lucid and wise right now, but I think it has more to with my bottomless glass of red than any new insight. Still worth reminding myself of though.

Inspired

Finally a keynote address to get inspired by -- General Rick Hillier, what a leader! It wasn't so much his message about leadership that moved me, it was the enthusiasm for his military career and the people that touched his life that really inspired me. Here is a man that actually reminds me a lot of my own old man by the way he tells a story, curses and makes people belly laugh. And in spite of his fame and power, he comes across as an ordinary Canadian -- sincere and down to earth. Here's some of the advice I heard: People come first -- not processes, projects or technology. Keep your people close to you -- INFORM them of your plans and recognize their talent. Keep yourself in check -- never let success go to your head. Be true to yourself -- falsity is easily detected. Use humour!

I can't remember all of the other gems, but I do remember feeling quite impressed by not only the General's career, but by his confidence and joie de vivre. Pure awesome.

Data Visualization

Why say in words what you can express in a picture? I'm not talking about traditional graphs to express numbers per se, but pictures that express a variety of ideas like this one that I saw in an enterprise architecture presentation today. I love this! In fact I would love to be able to do more of it myself. My writing has certainly improved, but I dislike being verbose. Plus ppl don't read anymore. Maybe I could create my own 'killer presentations' service. Will keep it tucked under my hat for now and see where it leads.

Why Men Love Bitches (Part II)

More from this saucy relationship book. It's all the old school advice my mom gave me but for the modern woman. A lot of it no longer applies as I am well into my married years, but I'm learning a few things.

Here's a good example of giving too much -- quitting your activities. When you give up your interests to spend more time with your partner you are creating a void that you will eventually expect your partner to fill. My 'ah ha' moment. We also become less interesting. Most importantly, we send the message that we value ourselves less and will eventually be treated as such. And yet, it seems so natural to devote time to your relationship in those early days when you are high on new love. Years of marriage later and I have thankfully added back some of what I gave up. I've been feeling guilty for all my time away from the family but really it's probably done my relationship a world of good.

Nagging. Let me be honest with myself. Do I nag a lot? I nag the kids. I repeatedly tell them what to do. It's acceptable because I am a mother. Does my nagging extend to my partner? I'm going to ask him right now. Hold the phone. Phew, I am not a nag. I am demanding, but I do not nag. I just ask too much. Yikes, not what I want either, but I'll take it.

I want to be his lover, not his mother. It's not easy to be attractive to a nag. A nag is not really respected -- she's ignored. Hmmmm. I'm feeling ignored lately. So what is the alternative to nagging? Ask for something once and only once. If he doesn't do it then do it yourself. This is exactly what I do mainly because I personally cannot bear to hear myself nag. Problem is, I end up doing more than my fair share, he becomes accustomed to it, takes it for granted, I feel unappreciated and unloved! So much for not nagging. This book suggests pulling away slightly. Not so easy when you are married. Does that mean withholding sex? I've tried that too and have just ended up climbing the walls. Plus I don't think it's right to use sex as a weapon ... all the time. :-) The other anti-nag strategy is to ask someone else for help. You can't hang the pictures for me? Well maybe your Dad could help me do it. I know this works, but again I don't like these kind of threats. It's just not respectful. Best anti-nag strategy is to ask once and wait. We've been together long enough for him to know when he's needed. Silence can be deadly. "Would you hang those pictures for me please?" pause. Some excuse. Repeat only once using the exact same words -- "So, would you hang those pictures for me please?" As long as you stay sweet and stick to the request it works.

Will be interesting to see if I'll remember to put these tips to practice.  It sounds awfully manipulative, but if toned down it might improve our relationship?

I Can't Go Back There

More about how freakin' phenomenal work has been this past month. Give people autonomy, show sincere appreciation for their efforts and trust them to get the job done. That's it baby -- that's it. This simple formula would not have moved me this much were it not for the fact that I've been micro-managed for four long years. Imagine never being allowed to make a decision or work with your colleagues. Think of what if feels like to write a million drafts that go no where. For someone so action-oriented I especially could not tolerate the indecision and perfectionism. Everything was a priority and nothing ever got done because it was not perfect enough. Ugh. When you are trained to seek approval on every insignificant detail, you forget what if feels like to think for yourself. You start to question your own abilities and become paralyzed with fear of making a mistake. All it took was autonomy, trust and gratitude for us to soar. I am not going back there EVER.

Words Can Never Hurt Me

Sometimes my strength surprises me. I used to be so sensitive to other people's criticisms or unkind words. The sting would stay with me days later and I'd stay wounded. But it doesn't seem to affect me as much anymore. I don't think it's because I'm cynical and thick-skinned, nor do I have such a strong sense of self that negativity just bounces off my shining suit of armour. I just don't care. I'm better able to separate the words from the intent. I can objectively look at the other person and think "I will not let your words poison my mood or my esteem". "What you are saying is hurtful and I don't know why you feel compelled to say it, but it just makes you look bad." If it's one of those relationships that I just can't escape, then I just apply some much needed distance -- emotionally and physically. I thank grace for giving me a sign that this person is not perfect, I think of how hurtful my own words can be and then I just let it go.

You're all about the technology

What is it about committed relationships that compels us to label oneanother? This is what my partner said to me the other night when I tried to strike up a conversation about how social media has and will change the electoral process for the better. Rather than chiming in with his own observation, he immediately dismissed my viewpoint and accused me of "always" wanting to marvel at technology. Well he's right -- it's one of my interests. I am witnessing one of the most profound changes to human interaction, knowledge acquisition, self expression, activism, hell even sexuality ...ALL BECAUSE OF TECHNOLOGY. There is so much to discuss here, how can you not be even the slightest bit intrigued? But it's not that my partner doesn't share my passion that irks me, it's that he mocked me in the same way parents chide their kids -- "that's so typically Ian, the conspiracy theorist". Errrr, it gets my goad. We don't do this with any of our friends.  It's condescending and I hate it. Marriage is basically a license to treat each other like shit. Again, I'm a hypocrite for accusing my partner for labeling me -- I call him cheap, an engineering nerd, an environmental nut-case, and yes even a conspiracy theorist junkie. Once again, grace is giving me the golden rule sign. Having my ideas so glibly dismissed pissed me off enough to see that this too must change. So many great opportunities for little improvements. Everyday.