connected, loved, appreciated, valued and desired

I really need to feel connected, loved, appreciated, valued and desired by you. I can't remember where I read this, but I agree that for me especially, my relationships flourish when these connected feelings are expressed and reaffirmed.
I finally have this in spades.  I can't stop forgetting about all the years I did not have it and how miserable I thus felt.  And now.  Every. Day.
I am truly truly blessed.

Forgiveness

Beautiful fall day, kids were climbing over pumpkins and running through a corn maze, colours abounded, three happy faces basked in the sunshine... and the camera batteries were dead. I was disappointed but I put the camera away and enjoyed watching the kids play in real time. The best part was having my partner remind me that he was glad that it was me and not him and that he was not upset with me for forgetting to check the camera. Yes, had it been him, I would've torn a strip off of him. I'm grateful that he is not a tyrant and takes life's little bumps in stride. Good awareness moment for me too. I hold others to a much higher standard than I do myself, which is why I often feel let down. It's like I'm looking to be disappointed instead of accepting that everyone has their faults and that's the beauty of life. xx

Time for some gratitude

Money, I never feel like we have to sacrifice and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't need to take a part time job delivering pizzas to pay the bills. We're both at the top of our game and we're living within our means. Thank you universe. When my partner starts complaining about how behind we are compared to our peers, I just ignore. Those financial magazines want you to despair about your future so that you'll buy their shitty investments. No thanks. We're doing great.


My kids are sweethearts. Yes, I know all parents feel this way about their offspring. Unlike my parents, I can say that I really love them for who they are, not for what they achieve. Yesterday when my 7 year old was wrestling in our blankets with his sister, he told my 2 year old "feel free to join in anytime you want." It warms my heart when they are nice to eachother without prompting. I'm very proud and very grateful because I don't think they learned this from my partner and I. In fact at times, they are my example of kindness. I'm grateful for that too.


Music. K, it's not something I'm typically grateful for, but I've found lately (especially when working from home) that it really helps stabilize my mood. It lifts my spirits, inspires many family kitchen dances, keeps me running when I'm ready to stop, puts me in the zone for work and does wonders in the bedroom :-P. Music nurtures my soul and I'm grateful for having expanded my musical taste in the past three years. I look forward to discovering much more great music.


Wow, that was fun for a Saturday night!

I want, I want, I want

I spent a lot of time this week going off on how crappy my life is. "I want what they have." "I want my partner to do that to me." "I want simplicity". "I want to not want money."
How about wanting what you have D? Because what I have is pretty amazing. I don't even have to compare my life to the rest of the world to realize how good I have it. Appreciate. It's all about perception. If you're content with what you have, you have no reason to want anything more and surprise surprise you realize that you are indeed HAPPY!

A perfect dose of reality

So, my week as single-mom is finally up and boy am I grateful for the opportunity to have test-driven divorce ... or at least the functionally independent piece of the picture (emotional and financial distress asside).


What can I say other than "Holy Shit, my Partner is a Saint". He does a lot. I mean a lot. I had no idea until I was left doing it all myself .. and then even then, I let things drop. This was a great reality cheque because I honestly thought that I did more. I knew his contribution was important, but I did not realize the extent of it. I also learned more about myself --that although it was trying at times, I am capable -- brushing teeth and reading in French is not THAT bad. However, when my partner equally shares in household and childcare duties it gives me a break from having to parent all the time, especially when I am feeling tapped out. It also frees up time I can have to MYSELF ,to exercise, read, surf, hang with friends, or whatever. This is important to me and I missed not having so much of it this week. How the hell do single parents do it and still remain sober and sane?

Another great thing was that I really bonded with the kids. I had to be everything for them and I think I did okay. There was no one else distracting me, they got to have all of their Mom for a change. I also felt a renewed sense of freedom to do things my way. I didn't have to check-in with anyone and I didn't have to feel guilty for not living up to someone else's expectations (not that my partner is demanding, because it's me who is Queen Bee). I think this is a healthy attitude and one I should continue regardless if I am solo or not.

I like being self-sufficient to an extent. I can do a lot so there's no reason why I should be shirking off my responsibilities because I have an accommodating partner. I certainly don't want him to wake up one day and realize he does everything and is taken for granted. I will appreciate him more and I will do more myself. I will not be spoiled and unappreciative anymore. My Gawd what a fantastic and exhausting experience -- every couple should be forced into a period of independent parenting for a week.xx

What doesn't kill you ...

Sometimes the people who have the most powerful effect on our lives are the ones who cause us the most pain. Damn straight. I'm not one to go searching for the silver lining, but I'm really beginning to see how my dysfunctional relationships are major growth opportunities. Sadly, it takes me an awfully long time to learn the lesson and often I drag my esteem around in the muck before I rise up, but it does eventually happen and for that I am grateful. When I look at other people whining about someone else making their life miserable (the same thing I do on a daily basis), I want to tell them "look, I know you think that life as dolled you out a terrible pile of shit right now, but try looking at this as an opportunity: to learn to let go, to try and see the person behind the dysfunction, to focus on the positive, to learn to be patient, to turn the other cheek, to keep it together". OMG, is this not what marriage teaches us? I'm sounding all lucid and wise right now, but I think it has more to with my bottomless glass of red than any new insight. Still worth reminding myself of though.

Saying Goodbye

Another tid bit from my Cheryl Richardson book (it's not really that great a book, but I feel there's a reason I should be reading it) -- the idea of writing love letters at the end of your life. The author worked with a woman who was dying and wanted to leave letters to her young children (for them to open in adulthood) that expressed how much she loved them. Eventhough she was gravely ill, she was still able to articulate things like:

what I love most about you is ...
what I'm sorry for is ...
what I dream for you is ...

I have got to do this too -- not because I feel like my time has come (hopefully I still have quite a few good years ahead of me), but because just in case anything happens I want my loved ones to know what they mean to me. Plus writing that note of gratitude for my boss (as difficult a person she can be) really filled my heart with love and allowed me to see things from a different point of view. It's addictive really. What else can I love?

Where is my innerpeace?

I had it last summer -- quiet, calm, contentedness. I was present, my mind was peaceful, I radiated enlightenment (k, that's stretching it a bit -- small 'e' enlightenment). Where did it go and how do I get it back?

On the surface, my circumstances have changed -- I am back to work with dysfunction and negative energy invading my psyche at every turn. I have gained weight -- thankfully not a lot, but enough to make me dislike my lack of discipline which I know puts a negative spin on all my perceptions. I also don't exercise as much or as rigorously .... so maybe my enlightenment was just me being permanently high on endorphins?

When I dig deeper I know it's my mind that's keeping me from enjoying the place I now cherish. A quick re-read of 'A New Earth' is helping remind of what I need to get back:

presence: when my mind wanders and I focus on what I should do next, instead of just being in the moment I start to feel like I'd rather be someplace else than where I am. I end up frustrated and disappointed rather than content and relaxed. This weekend I tried to stay present by throwing myself into what I was doing. I love the feeling of losing yourself in a task to the point where time flies. I'm not talking about over-functioning here, just focusing. When I played with the kids, I did it whole-heartedly, I looked them in the eye, I listened, I let them lead, I did not let my mind distract me ... and it was wonderful!

acceptance: when I resist what is, I make myself miserable wishing for what I think I want. Last summer I put the brakes on complaining and it felt really good. I should remind myself that if I'm not happy with my circumstances I can A) change them, B) leave them or C) accept them. Complaining is not productive and creates more negative energy. It's my EGO screaming for attention -- "look at poor me and all the crap life has given me". Just stop.

gratitude: focusing on what's good in my life rather than what's missing is a great way to stay positive. It also does wonders for my relationships when I simply say thank you. I am better off than the majority of the world in terms of health and economic achievement. That alone is reason to celebrate EVERYDAY. Every morning I think of three different things to be grateful for before I get out of bed -- awesome way to start the day.

Making these things a regular way of life will go a long way towards regaining the inner peace I once had. Life is not my enemy. Want what you have, not what you don't have. Peace is within your grasp, just look inside.

Let Down

Today was rough. I kept waiting for that warm Christmassy feeling to come over me and it just didn't happen. I usually get it on the night of the 24th -- an incredible feeling of peace and gratitude. It's so uplifting and comforting. What happened? Maybe I'm just too old to feel the Christmas spirit. I can't help but feel like Christmas has let me down. Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter. Gotta keep looking for that silver-lining, even if it's not there today.

Staying Positive

Tony Robbins says that just thinking about how half the world lives off of less than $2/day should be enough to make you realize how fortunate you are. Thinking about what you are thankful for, thanking those who you appreciate and giving back instead of expecting to get are three other things that will snap you out of your self-loathing too.

What is it about this time of year that I despise? I can feel the stress already starting to build and it's still a month away. I know this post is supposed to be about feeling positive, but I've got to vent and sadly, I have no one to vent to right now. So here goes -- why I hate Christmas:

1. wanting to buy my children the perfect gifts -- what they really want, what will give them tons of enjoyment, what will last and not break the bank ... and did I mention that I have no time to put in the hours of shopping required to find these perfect gifts?
2. wanting to entertain my family -- amazing food, clean and cozy house, everyone happy and relaxed
3. wanting to not gain weight -- but still indulge
4. wanting to find interesting things for us to do rather then be bored being stuck with each other for 10 days
5. wanting to be done with my shopping early and not running around at the last minute to find impossible to find items
6. wanting to not feel like a complete fraud by going to church and acting religious

I think that's it. I have other stressors in my life, but thankfully most of those are work related and hey, at least I won't have to worry about work over Christmas!
What can I do now to prepare for the inevitable?
Plan, bake & freeze, hire a sitter so we can shop, lose a few pounds beforehand (yeah right), and above all ACCEPT. Like one of my good friends says, 'Christmas is all about being disappointed'. The kids might as well learn it now. I accept that some things will be last minute, some appetizers will burn, my partner's family will say something to tick me off, my partner will get me shitty gifts, and I will be tempted with rich fatty food and lots of booze .... lots of booze. Hey! maybe that's another way to handle the stress! Let go of perfection D, it's not worth the stress.
And as for Tony Robbin's advice, it's a good reminder and something I feel compelled to do something about. In fact I've been working on some love letters for each of my loved ones because I really want them to know what they mean to me and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I also want to cook dinner for a family in need -- not drop off a raw turkey in a hamper, but prepare a complete meal and nicky-nine-doors it. Gotta figure out the logistics of this one (stay tuned).

It's the Thought that counts

My mom and dad were over the other day to drop off some gifts they picked up for us on their trip to Israel. The kids were pretty happy as was I to hear that they had a great time. A few days later, my mom asked me about my gifts -- "you didn't show much reaction, did you like them?" "Yes, of course, thank you." That wasn't good enough. In fact it was the tipping point. She proceeded to tell me that she was hurt that I never show appreciation for the presents she buys me and that she hoped I was not like this with my partner or my in-laws. Yikes!

 

I tried to give her the reassurance she was looking for, but I've been thinking about it ever since ... how did this happen? I think it's because we are not poor. Growing up, money was tight and gifts were rare. Whenever my sister or I got anything, it was a BIG DEAL. We were over the moon and would treasure even the tiniest package of gum. But now I have everything and things in fact mean very little to me. I buy myself stuff all the time and most of the time it actually depresses me because I have to find a home for it amongst the clutter, I have to dust it, I have to eventually throw it out and feel guilty for spending money on it in the first place. I didn't have the heart to explain any of this to my Mom. She'll never get it. Even though my parents are no longer poor, they will always be frugal.

So what does matter? Well I love it when my mom brings me food, when she plays with the kids, tells them stories about my childhood, goes running with me, irons my clothes, bakes me pies. Those are the things I am over the moon for. She wants to see a reaction out of me -- sure --- those are the things I will show her I am grateful for. Yes sirree!

Gratitude

It's come up a lot in the past year. Most people would consider themselves grateful -- who wants to be an ingrate? But how does one practice gratitude and is it really the key to happiness? I've never been one to embrace the concept of gratitude fully because I grew up being told to be grateful. My mother would warn me to show more gratitude or "the Lord would put you in a position of need and you'd end up crying for what you once took for granted". That kind of advice is right up there with being repeatedly told to not waste food because of the poor kids in Africa. So rather than look at gratitude as an insurance exercise, how can it really improve my relationships, make me a better person and also give my the illusive inner peace I so greatly desire?

I've read that when you are focused on being grateful for what you have, you're less likely to waste time thinking about what is lacking in your life. As I've learned this year, it's those 'wants' that can drive you crazy -- that make you look at your life with dissatisfaction and disdain. Your wants never satisfy you either because you'll always want something more no matter what you have. Wanting is bad - got it.

I'd like to have genuine feelings of gratitude on a daily basis. Some effort is required:
Compassion is a good start. There's nothing like opening your heart and trying to feel another person's pain to make you feel grateful for what you have. That sounds awful -- it should not be the reason we support our loved ones, but it's there in the back of your head -- "thank gawd I am not you".

I've learned this year that to express gratitude feels really good -- I mean REALLY GOOD. Just today I thanked a friend and I could feel a nice warm smile inside me. I can also see the effect it has on the person who feels appreciated. Who wants to be taken for granted?

Sometimes when I'm hosting my own pity party, it's tough to find much to be grateful for -- health, family, career, friends, blah, blah, blah. Yes, it's the same old list, but I shouldn't forget that those are my priorities! Being grateful endears me to them more. Suddenly the little pissoff daily annoyances don't matter when you stop to think about what you love about your life.

Lets not forget being grateful for the little things as well. I find that the added benefit is that it keeps me more present. I would hardly call myself an observant person, but when I take the time to notice and appreciate life's little things, like that all my family members are peacefully sleeping right now which gives me a few minutes of quiet, or that today was perfect Spring weather and I got to spend a good chunk of it outside or that I was able to help my child calm herself down without losing my patience for the first time in a long time ... I could seriously go on and on here ... it just makes me love life more.

Being grateful keeps me satisfied -- what I have is enough.

You're Beautiful!

While out for a run the other night, I turned the corner and almost ran into a man who was clearly drunk. After I apoligized for startling him, he shouted after me "Don't be sorry -- YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" Sad to say those words really made my day. Thank you drunk strange man.