Married men who lust after other women

 

It's by no ways a revelation that men lust after women.  However I'm starting to see it more with men I know who have been married for 10+ years.  I was at a party recently where the alcohol was flowing freely and people were having a great time.  Guys I knew, who were at the party with their wives in fact, started to hit on me.  Granted, booze makes you lose inhibitions and I was probably giving off some crazy alcohol-induced 'come f-me vibes' .  But the whole experience was bizarre for me because it was clear that these guys were not planning on taking me home.  I'm sure there was a lot of crazy forbidden stuff going on in their minds.  But I know these men -- they were not looking to have an affair.  So why flirt when you know it can't go anywhere?  I started to think that perhaps the reason behind their behaviour was that they were starved for attention. Even though their wives were incredible women (and some of them were super hot themselves), and their marriages very strong, these men still wanted to be noticed and appreciated by other women.
 
In the past I would misinterpret this kind of interest by assuming it was 'me' they were interested in.  Sadly, it has very little to do with the other person.  It's about feeling good again.  The charge you get when someone different laughs at your jokes, recognizes your insight or notices your biceps.  This is what most men enjoy.  Their marriages are still sacred and their loyalty unbreakable.  Flirting does not in anyway change how much they love their wives. 

So now when a married man flirts with me I understand that it doesn't mean that they are at all interested in me or more importantly, interested in messing up their life.  They are interested in me giving them some attention.  Sad and pathetic, yes.  Women are likely doing the same thing but for different reasons.  At least now I know.  And knowing is what keeps me grounded.

Today's Porn Star

Regarding my earlier post on the banning of yoga pants at a local high school and my resulting outrage that men are attracted to teenagers, it just dawned on me that the porn industry is not helping. Yesterday's fake blond and silicone porn stars have been replaced by barely legal girls -- yes, the people you see walking to school, baby sitting your kids, working at the mall. I'm still perplexed as to why men find them so irresistible, but it's what they want. Ed Powers was a pioneer with his Dirty Debutantes and he probably didn't even know it. It's sad because the silicone porn star was somewhat of a fictional character -- nothing about her was real. She was pure fantasy. But these girls are real. And they are girls, not women. Gawd, I don't want dirty old men lusting after my daughter one day because they think that all teenagers want to suck them off. I guess this yoga pants issue is still affecting me. I'll get over it. Thankfully my partner likes old school porn -- he's into older women and that's more then fine with me.

Yoga pants banned

A local high school recently banned yoga pants (unless covered by a long shirt) because they are too revealing. What country is this, Saudi Arabia? These are pants. Granted, our butts look awesome, but they're still just pants. What's next? Covering your hair and face? WOMEN ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW MEN REACT TO THEM. PERIOD. Nobody else seems the slightest bit outraged by this. In fact some of my liberal friends support it in favour of male teacher's rights??

The deeper I explored this issue, both with my colleagues and later with my partner, the more I came to realize that some men are very easily distracted by young women. And not just mildly distracted either --they are overcome, get stupid and can't focus. I can relate to being overcome with desire -- I've been boy crazy my entire life. But what I don't understand is the attraction with teenagers. Sure they are cute and have fresh limber bodies, but they are children on the inside. I don't look at teenage boys at all.  They are children FFS.  Why are men in their 30s, 50s, hell 80s still looking at girls ? Okay, men are visual and attracted by what they see. Thank goodness that I am attracted to people I have a connection with -- physical, intellectual, emotional. Intimacy is my drug. Tits and ass are his. We're different -- it's maddening as hell because I want him to be turned on by the amazing woman I am, not by how I look. My looks won't last! My partner will always be lusting after women who are a lot younger than I am. It's just who he is. Surely there's got to be a man out there who's turned on by a real women -- who finds a challenging mind, sharp wit and dry sense of humour sexier than young flesh? No, I am dreaming. I have never met this man. He is a women. I've got to stop trying to feminize men and ACCEPT. Most men don't act on their weaknesses after all. They can control their urges, they surf pornography and are discreet about their leering. Do I wish they weren't so turned on by strangers, sure? But it's completely unrealistic. What's important is that they know themselves and know how to keep it in check. So what about me? I've fantasized about practically every male co-worker I've ever had. That is worse because it could lead to something more damaging. But then again, nothing will come between me and my children, so I'm safe there. MEN! So frustrating.
author's note:  this entry has the highest ratings because of the selected photo.  Ugh.

Why Men Cheat

Big article in the Citizen this weekend on cheating. Not surprising, men cheat for sex and power. They seek what they are not getting at home. In a related article, a researcher explained that "Cheating has nothing to do with another person looking better -- it has to do with the need for feeling good". Local sex therapist Sue Mc Garvey weighed in to say that roughly "a quarter of women don’t like sex, a quarter can take it or leave it, a quarter want it a couple of times a week, and the remainder would give it once a day. That means that about half of women want sex once a month or less." Yikes, no wonder men cheat. Not fair -- lack of sex does not justify infidelity. Nothing does really. I guess what I don't get is the ignorance -- that people honestly believe that their affair will not end their marriage. Mc Garvey went on to say "Men are loyal. They will go back to the woman who has washed their underwear for the last 20 years." How could you really respect yourself if you allowed your partner to cheat? They will cheat again. I sound pretty self-righteous here. I know there are a million reasons to stay married. I just can't imagine the self loathing I'd feel living the rest of my life with a cheater. This is why I believe that "what you don't know can't hurt you". If 3/4s of men cheat then, wouldn't it'd just be a lot easier for everyone if extra-marital sex was mutually agreed upon? No dishonesty or hurt feelings. Then again, maybe just opt out of the relationship altogether and have sex with as many people as you please?

Healing Sex

A friend of mine was telling about being stung by a girl he was really into. They had just met and he's the type of guy who typically plays his cards right from the start so that he can get what he's after. But for some reason this girl got the best of him -- her sweetness and attentiveness sucked him right in to the point of him losing the aloof demeanor that drives women to pursue him harder. He was really into her and started to show it. And unfortunately this openness and honesty was too much too soon. It put her off and she ended up rejecting him. Hurt and ashamed he ran to the bed of his ex that night and to the bed of his ex once removed the next night and then picked up a new girl the night after that. Sigh. While I never quite whored around like that, I know exactly the feeling of having sex to heal a wound. In fact I still do it. But does it really fix things? It seemed to repair my friend's esteem. But what did it do for the women he slept with in the process? I bet they did not realize they were being used. Then again, maybe they were using him.
Sex is complicated. We do it for so many reasons -- love, stress, routine, drunkenness, exercise, boredom, insomnia, restitution, guilt and even healing. The great thing about it is that you don't have to own up to why you want it. Your partner has their own reasons too and it's just understood that it's something you both get to keep to yourselves. Whatever brought you to eachother doesn't matter because sex is meant to melt it all away.

Why men and women cheat

I'm often curious about this because it seems to be so prevalent, even amongst couples who say they are happily married. Do 1 in 2.7 men really cheat? Why? Is it because of problems in the relationship, a lack of self-esteem, or is monogamy just unnatural? All of the above. Here's what I've read:


Not feeling appreciatedThis one strikes a nerve because I dislike feeling obligated to thank my partner for every little thing he does for our family. It's his job after all! However, I can see how a complete lack of appreciation can build resentment over time and even start to affect your perception of self-worth. Everyone wants to feel like they are making a difference, especially when they are making sacrifices. We certainly don't intend to hurt each other like this, so how does it happen? EXPECTATION is the culprit. At the beginning of a relationship you do nice things for each other and before long you begin to expect that it will always be that way. When it's not, you start to feel let down. I've even told my partner as much -- that he was a big disappointment to me (Gawd, I still feel the shame for saying that). Someone else starts to take notice of how great you are or says a few kind words and suddenly you've formed an instant emotional connection with someone who is not your partner.

BoredomFamiliarity breeds indifference. The routine (kids, bills, chores) dominates any communication you have with your spouse. The things you once talked about -- aspirations, fantasies, even current events are rarely discussed because you are so busy running the family. If it continues long enough, the intimacy that comes with regular emotional connection eventually dies. Routine in the bedroom is also a contributor. Once you've figured out how to touch each other and what the other person likes, you stick to what works, especially when you've got a limited window of opportunity to work with. I'll admit when my partner suggests trying something new, I immediately think of how awkward it would be to sustain that position. So I roll my eyes, remind him that we're not in our 20s, and tell him to just 'give me the usual'.

CuriosityWe are sexual creatures and for most of us, there is a deep-seated desire to have a taste of the forbidden. An ex-boyfriend of mine is a self-proclaimed intimacy junkie. He craves the emotional highs from new-love and can't bear to stay in a relationship once the spark has dwindled. I can relate to how seductive and addictive that can be. However, I know that the euphoria of new love is not sustainable. I wish to gawd it was, but it's not meant to be, otherwise society wouldn't work. We'd all be walking around completely drunk off love and not be able to get anything done. Those feelings are there to bring people together, not keep them together. It takes a lot of discipline to not give into your impulses. The key is in focusing on the long term effects of an affair. No romantic interlude, however mind-blowing it is, is worth the destruction and pain it will cause your family when the affair is exposed.

Not enough sex
Apparently this is what causes more men to cheat. Surprisingly it's not the complexity, but the frequency that men want. Luckily for me, my libido is as strong as my partner's and my philosophy is usually 'just say yes', because even if you're not into it initially, you will always feel better for having done it. Bonus is that the more you do it, the more you want it. My problem is when I use it as a weapon ... NOT a good idea because you both end up frustrated and nobody wins.

Ego boostI admit, it feels good to feel desired by many men (to a point). But then I have to ask, why is one man's love not enough? Why do I need validation from others anyway? Ugh ... don't feel like saying any more about this one. We all want to know that we still have 'it' and I think that crushes and innocent flirting should give you this fix. The danger is in taking it too far.  You will lose everything in the process.

There are other reasons for committing infidelity too, these are just the ones I find are prevalent. Why even blog about it? It starts with awareness. I just don't believe people who say they 'didn't see it coming'. We might not be able to affair-proof our relationships, but we can be aware of when we are entering the danger zone and decide to keep ourselves in check. This doesn't mean that every relationship is an island. In fact I think it's dangerous to expect your partner to fulfill all of your needs. Figure out with your partner where the line is and make your relationship a priority. That should be enough to keep infidelity at bay. I guess?

You're Just Saying That!

I often find myself recoiling when my partner pays me a compliment. I accuse him just wanting me for sex. I hate feeling objectified and his horniness really cramps my desire for him. Of course he's been accused of this so many times now that it's no wonder he doesn't pursue me anymore.

I'm starting to have empathy for his position. "All you want is sex". Yes! He wants sex. Guess what, he's a virile male. And he happens to want sex with ME, the love of his life no doubt. So what's the big deal? Why am I punishing him for wanting what's natural?

I forget what sex means to him. It allows him to feel the LOVE. As archaic as this sounds, it's true. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, being tender, giving me the affection I crave. He can't tap into any of this unless he's feeling the LOVE. And that begins and ends with sex. I notice it almost immediately -- after a roll in the hay, he gives more of himself, has more patience with the kids, is more agreeable. He's just easier to live with. And so am I! It's the only way to release the stresses of the day. I admit it, I'm also an Alpha Male and I need sex as badly as my partner. So I'm going to stop making him feel dirty for wanting it. We are married after all. Guilt-free sex is part of the reason we did this. Let's just enjoy it. More.

Flirting

This morning, the guy who was restocking shelves at the grocery store asked me how my day was going. When I replied that it was great and asked him the same, he answered me with a wink and a smile "better now, thanks!" I didn't even realize what he had said until I walked away. In fact it put me in an even better mood and I thought about it all the way home. WTF? Not even an hour before, my partner told me that I looked hot and here I was gushing over what the lettuce trimmer said to me. What is wrong with me??!!

My partner's sweetness is what should excite me. Yet I feel that it's not the same as when a stranger flirts. The husband is obligated to say nice things to me. It still means something, but it's somehow lost is lustre. I know my partner feels the same way -- he's over the moon when someone flirts with him. And I quite enjoy watching his giddy excitement too (as long as his head doesn't swell too much). We all want to know that we still have it. Marriage just plain kills the excitement that newness and unfamiliarity spark. Sounds like my relationship needs a little flirting. I just know it's going to feel forced and awkward if I try. In fact just thinking about it fills me with dread. But I do like that tingle and flirting with strangers is just a little creepy. In fact I don't even want to go back to the grocery store now.

I think part of my reaction comes from feeling good about how I look. I haven't felt desirable in a long time. It sounds completely vain to want other people's attention. I'll just be grateful that it occasionally surprises me and that I can count on it being there when I need it from the one that matters the most to me.

Distracted

"She took a bar of soap and headed for the fountain. She took off her clothes, letting them drop in the short grass, and then, wearing only the leather thong that held her knife, she sponged herself with cold water and soaped her body. She shouted to the man to bring her a towel. The government employees interrupted their work and, scythes in the air, began to watch".

I close my eyes for a minute -- I am the native girl in this story. Yes, that'll do it ...