Sibling Rivalry

Like most parents, the kids fighting really grates on our nerves. How can we have peace in our lives with this constant bickering. I'm tired of being their referee!

Here's a nice summary from the book Siblings Without Rivarly:

Level I - Normal Bickering
Ignore it!

Level II - Situation heating up, adult intervention might be helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger (e.g. "you two sound mad at eachother")
2. Reflect Each Child's Point of View (e.g. "So Johnny you want to play with the game because you found it first. And you Susie feel you are entitled to a turn too")
3. Describe the Problem with Respect (e.g. "That's a tough one -- two children and only one game")
4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution
(I'm sure you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you")
5. Leave the room

Level III - Situation Possibly Dangerous
1. Inquire (e.g. "is this a play fight or a real fight?")
2. Reminding children that playfighting is by mutual consent -- if both aren't haven't fun, then it's got to stop
3. Respect your feelings (e.g. "you may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity")

Level IV - Situation Definitely Dangerous Adult Intervention Necessary
1. Describe what you see (e.g. "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other")
2. Separate the children ("It's not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room and you to mine")

BLEH!! I'm so used to jumping in and screaming at them. How can I possibly stay calm enough to be empathetic? Apparently this works. I have friends who say this WORKS.

Parenting without bribery

Another heated conversation at the office with me having to explain why bribery is not a good way to parent.  Sure, it gets you results.  But compliance is not the goal -- self-discipline is the goal.
I did a bit of research to support my POV.  If I keep having to bribe my kids to behave:

1. they learn that they must be paid in order to be decent people ("what do I get for doing x?")
2. I'm sending the message that the behavior must be unpleasant, since they "have to be rewarded" for doing it
3. the bribes and rewards have to get bigger and better in order to keep working
4. I end up having to intervene all the time instead of them learning to behave on their own
5. I rob them of feeling the intrinsic reward that comes from behaving (e.g. warm feeling from sharing), thus decreasing the likelihood that they will repeat the behaviour on their own
6. they do not learn, understand, or value the behavior that they are being bribed or threatened to do, they simply 'perform' for the reward
7. I perpetuate the milenial culture of entitlement ("what's in it for me?")
8. I'm sending them the message that they are not capable of good behaviour without bribery
9. I'm sending the message that all good behaviour is extrinsically rewarded - untrue

The argument was made that since my salary is my reward as an employee, bribes and rewards offer the same incentive for kids.  I have no problems with paying our kids to do work that is above and beyond what we expect of them.  They have limited opportunity to earn money at this age after all.  Plus I'd like to think that I'm not a slave owner.  However, my kids are not my employees.  None of us are paid to be decent people or contribute to our family -- we love and help each other because it's what we expect and need of each other.  It's not the same as my employment because that is a contract I have with my employer -- services in exchange for a negotiated salary. Plus my occupation is more than a job -- it's something that matters to me.  From a FB comment I read tonight:  "Your work is something that you create and see through, start to finish. Because you want to. And, aside of the money, it brings joy and ease to the world."  Not sure I'm bringing joy to the world exactly, but I know that I am not motivated by the money.  I work hard because I am a hard worker.  Well maybe not all the time ...  But I feel quite strongly about not using bribes to parent my our kids.  Let's hope I'm right on this one.



 

Taking the rewards out of education

Another enlightening talk with Alfie Cohn on CBC Radio's Ontario Today.  This time the discussion was about taking awards (sports trophies, honour roll) out of schools.  I couldn't agree more.  He presented several compelling reasons why these hurt our children's education.  When we offer rewards:

• we are saying that in order to excel, you have to do so at the detriment of your peers; why can't more than one person learn?
• we see each other as adversaries: it becomes very difficult to cooperate, learn from each other, develop empathy and form a connection
• we begin to see the task as a means to an end instead of getting the most out of the experience
• children try to secure a win by choosing an easier task rather than push themselves to learn more.
• we create children who become addicted to praise.
• we don't see the task as 'fun' if we loose

I also really like this point that Alfie Cohn made:  praise and awards are not feedback, they are judgements.  Children need an engaged curriculum in a learning-centered environment.  Instead of passively listening to lectures, and filling out worksheets, they need to be given context and purpose as well as an opportunity to explore and lead.

A lot of people are angered by his viewpoint.  They claim that the world is competitive -- in the workplace and even in nature.  Competition motivates people to achieve.  The speaker's rebuttal was that in fact nature is a lot more cooperative than we think because unfortunately our view of nature is biased -- it's based on what's fed to us through the media.  Animals cooperate so that there is enough for everyone.  However this does not make for good TV.  Alfie Cohn also said that competitiveness is not the same as excellence, which is a very good point because many believe they are synonymous.

I don't feel good about delving out praise and commenting on my children's achievements.  I feel that it takes away from their moment and how they might feel about it.  I want them to be intrinsically motivated as well because I won't always be there to offer up an external prize.  The world does not owe them anything. Yet there a lot of people who are accustomed to praise and expect their partners and bosses to continue what their parents and teachers started.  I defintely don't want my kids to end up being attention-seekers or praise-junkies. It's a terrible feeling, to have your self-worth defined by someone else's opinion of you.

Parenting, the Panacea

Today, I heard myself say that my parenting is the root cause for my children's behaviour -- both now and in the future.  And my friend kind of just looked like me like I was nuts.  And he's right.  Whoa.  I've taken my parenting role WAY too seriously all these years.  I have a job to do, yes.  And how I treat my kids will definitely influence how they treat themselves and others.  But there are many more factors beyond my parenting that will guide their behaviour -- peers, spouses, opportunities, personality, education, genes, etc. 

I have gotten way too big for my britches.  In fact I am setting myself up for failure here.  Because I feel responsible for their behaviour (rather than realizing that as independent people they are the ones who are responsible for their own behaviour),  I will be devastated and feel like I have failed as a parent, when they fall.  And yes, they will fall from time to time. Jesus, how did this happen?

For starters, I blame and judge too much.  When another kid misbehaves, I blame it on bad parenting.  When my own kid can't control her anger, I try to think of ways I can fix that.  When I feel my own neurosis creeping up, I blame my own parents instead of taking responsibility.  Ugh, this is ugly!

My friend helped me realize that most of how we act as parents comes from emotion, not parenting text books.  And my best parenting is simply setting a good example and loving my children unconditionally.  "I get you and I love you for who you are, not what you do". And guess what?  Most parents do JUST that, regardless of what techniques they use to parent.

How humbling this was to realize that I had inadvertently created a mega-identity for myself.  Time to downplay Diane, the Mom and start being just me, for everyone's sake.

Back Talk

I'm really frustrated with my kids whining and back talk lately.  I end up sparring with them, when I should remain calm and demand respect.

"Be sure to emphasize the message that you will not listen to what they have to say until they are able to speak to you in a calm and respectful manner."

Whatev. This is hard.  Time to draw a parallel --in the same way we taught them as toddlers that it's unacceptable to hit, we should be teaching them that it's unacceptable to be disrespectful. Period.

Remain calm.  "Remind yourself that the calmer you are and the less you let yourself be affected by sassy back talk, the more your child will learn to use positive ways to express his opinions."

I'm *trying* to apply this right now and I can see it working, a bit.  The kids are reasonable.  My BFF is very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt.  What's behind the behaviour?  I don't instinctively do this, but with practice I know I will get there.  "Keep it together"  great advice from Eddie Murphy.

Attachment

 

I don´t think much about attachment parenting these days because it´s just something we learned to do ten years ago, because it made a lot of sense to D and I.  We consciously formed a close bond with our babies by nursing, carrying them and co-sleeping so that we could easily respond to their needs.  This hopefully made them feel secure that we loved them and would not abandon them.

But recently I stumbled onto an article on how attachment affects adulthood. It´s a good reminder of why this is so important.

• Secures have a greater sense of general well-being -- they are more self-confident and more balanced and realistic in their expectations of themselves
• Under stress, secures stick to the task better -- they don´t become either highly emotional or deny the problem
• Secures are less likely to use alcohol for coping
• Secures are happier in relationships and are less distant, defensive or distressed by feeling vulnerable
• Secures are less frustrated with their partners, less ambivalent about their relationships and less jealous, clinging or fearful of abandonment
• Secures become angry less often, but they see anger as more constructive, feel better during arguments, see less hostility in their partners´ intentions and expect more positive outcomes
• Secure are more likely to see their partners as trustworthy friends and can accept their faults
• Secures are less likely to show physiological arousal when separated from their partners
• Secures are less likely to engage in sex without feeling love for their sexual partners

Well, there you have it.  I am not a Secure.
This is good information though.  I´ve done right by my kids.  I really hope this is true and that they will have great relationships because they are secure.

the Highly Sensitive Child

Another great parenting book to help me navigate my way.  This one on parenting the Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) was particularly helpful for learning how to deal with my eldest.  I find we are not as close and I have less patience for what I realize now are behaviours that come from being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  Rather than summarize the book, I made note of a few points that I need to keep in mind.  Luckily, most of the suggested parenting tips are ones I already strive for -- empathy, natural consequences, spending time with your child, respect, love.

Tendencies and Advice:

1. he notices subtleties: I'm both amazed and frustrated with this inate ability.  How wonderful it must be to be atune to and be able to appreciate SO much.  But at the same time it can lead to OCD-type behaviour, such as a need to be obsessively clean, or a fussiness for itchy fabrics.  With three kids in a busy household, I can't accomodate his desire for everything to be 'just so'.  The book suggests:

• awknowledging his discomfort (empathy) and then telling him how and when it will end.  Show respect for his response (something I don't do well), sympathy for his desired need, and my own valid reason to delay (or do nothing) (e.g. we have to use up this brand because we cannot afford to waste it).  He will grow in the ability to understand.  
• put him in charge of solving his own problems (e.g. if he's fussy with his socks then put him in charge of finding his own socks). 
• put limits on what you can be expected to do (e.g. I will tie your shoes for you up to three times, trying to follow your instructions, but after that it will have to suffice because by then I will frustrated too and won't have the time to continue).

2. he becomes easily overstimulated: Advice here is to don't let him go into a test unprepared -- talk about what could go wrong and how to handle it. Help him enjoy activities in a non-competitive environment.

3. he has stronger reactions: Advice to parents is to remain non-defensive; let him fully express his emotions (perhaps even in a private place) and be patient with him.  Admittedly, this is the hardest for me to do because I don't like strong reactions.

4. he will be cautious to proceed with new situations:  See the new situation from his perspective; point out what is familiar or what he has mastered; suggest small steps (e.g. tell him 'you don't have to talk, if you don't want to')

As a non-HSP I am likely to feel impatient because he pauses before acting. Expect that decisions in particular will be slow .... have patience!

Some other advice:

• don't make him your confidant (HSPs are great listeners)
• avoid teasing (he likely hears an undercurrent of hostility or superiority that comes with)
• ask for affection (e.g. ask "would you like a hug?") instead of demanding it; keep affection light and brief
• avoid invoking shame: feeling guilty assumes you did something wrong but that it's something you can make right; shame assumes you are bad and helpless to fix things (typical signs are hangs head, averts eyes, etc.). HSCs feel shame easily (it's self-inflicted), but they use the experience to learn -- they enjoy feeling virtuous and secure that they will never learn that kind of shame again from a similar experience
• practice gentle discipline (no punishment):  an explanation of why the behaviour is wrong should suffice; HSCs are hard enough on themselves, harsh punishment is too much to bear for most

Great advice here.  Not always easy to remember when I am in the moment.

Be good for goodness sake

I was raised to be good so that I wouldn't burn in hell.  If I stepped out of line, I knew there'd be consequences (spanking, grounding, withdraw of privliges) so I toed the line, for the most part.  But now as a parent I'm trying to raise my kids to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

It's not easy because I stay away from typical tricks -- bribes, rewards, threats and punishments because they don't teach kids self discipline. These methods teach kids to conform for fear of reprisal or because they expect some material gain from doing what's expected of them.  I won't always be there to hang something over them, nor will society.  Plus I want to learn that being a decent person is it's own reward.  So when I come across examples of using reason and logic to teach kids morals, I was blown away.  Take this example:

• To explain why cheating in school is wrong, in addition to saying that it's damaging to your character and that you can no longer look at yourself as an honest person, you could say that in the long run it's bad for everyone because grades mean less and teachers won't be able to assess who needs help and who should advance.  Ahhhhhhh.  This explanation makes perfect sense, but it's not second nature for me to think this way, especially on the spot. 

Sadly, phrases like 'Because I said so' are still in my repertoire.  Here's hoping I can start to apply this kind of reasoning to my parenting dialog!

I'm just glad it's over

Those are the words my 7 year old uttered when I asked him how Hallowe'en went at school. He was so jazzed up about his Willy Wonka costume, only it was lame (essentially a bathrobe, top had and goggles) and no one knew what he was and it broke my heart to see his disappointment. I want Hallowe'en to be one of his favourite days of the year. But it was a good lesson nonetheless -- a tough lesson that we've all learned. Life is full of disappointments. Don't look forward to something too much because you will be let down. Homemade costumes suck. K, well maybe not the last one. But putting yourself out there is risky. My boy did not want to just put on a pre-made costume, he wanted to be creative. And for that I should be proud. They are showing more and more independence every day. I'd love to shelter them from disappointment, but it's better to just let them fly (and crash a little). Next year I'll just help him out a bit, but not too much.

Stay-at-home parenting

What would our lives be like if I took a leave of absence from work and stayed at home with the kids? Visions of breaking up fights, wracking my brain for ideas to entertain them and being driven mad with their whining and fussing immediately come to mind. But then there's the connection that only comes from spending time together. I would get to experience every milestone with them. I'd be there after a rough day at school. I wouldn't feel like I am shirking my parenting responsibilities on daycare. I'd have time to take care of everyone, including myself. It seems simple enough. My youngest is still young enough to make it worth while. DO IT!
But then there's the part of me that identifies with my job. I am more than someone's mother. I have my own thing going on. Work is also my escape. I like the money too, even if half goes to daycare. And yet I know that I will have regrets about not doing this. The kids need me now, not when we finally pay off our debt. What to do? Nothing. Not brave enough.

Your passion will pull you into what you are good at

I'm torn between exposing my kids to a variety of interests to help them find something they will enjoy and be good at and just letting them continue with sports that they suck at, but still enjoy. The opening of this article is a good example of a mother who continued to let her child follow her dream, knowing well enough that her passion would pull her into what she was really good at.
I've got to check my competitiveness at the door here. You can still enjoydoing something, even if you're not as strong as your teammates. My son reminded me of that today -- defensive players don't score, so why do I keep asking him how many goals he's scored? I am the one that sucks!
This is my own childhood neurosis rearing its ugly head. My parents wouldn't let me quit figure skating because they valued hard work and commitment. I on the other hand, want my kids out at the first sign of difficulty. You find ballet too challenging? Let's find you something else you'll be good at. Maybe I should be encouraging them to stick it out ... how else do you learn the value of hard work? I've got to let my kids lead on this. There are plenty of things we can learn without having to take lessons. Have faith that they will discover their talents D.

Losing my religion

My not-so-silent Sunday protest is doing more harm than good unfortunately. The kids see their mother balking the church -- outright ignoring the rituals and even falling asleep (I couldn't help it yesterday). My blatant disrespect is worse than not attending which is ironic because the only reason I go these days is to lead by example. Special thanks to a good friend of mine for helping me realize this today. I've got to make peace with religion -- figure out where I stand and be consistent with my practice or non-practice. Right now I'm really torn between going out of obligation to my partner and his family and bailing. Problem with the latter is that I'm left practicing zero spirituality -- at least as a weekly ritual. Maybe that's the problem. A good friend of mine suggested finding another practice to demonstrate family values -- a round table of gratitude, or brain-storming and doing good deeds together or even saying grace at dinner. I like these ideas, only I know we won't stick to them. Why make this into some kind of public display anyway? Shouldn't my daily behaviour be the best way to demonstrate altruism, patience, empathy, self-discipline? K, stop laughing (crazy lady here talking to my 2 readers out there). I'm done with organized religion. I don't believe in it and I'm not sure what I do believe.

I want to hold Mommy

When my 2 year old told me this tonight, my heart melted. It's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever told me. I keep re-playing his words in my head. We love our kids regardless of how they feel about us, but being on the receiving end of their affection is a definite parenting perk. I will miss these days. I already miss never having another baby. What made today extra special was that my boy and I really bonded. We played together in the park, one-on-one. I gave him 100% of my attention and did he ever soak it up. It was difficult to ignore the other parents but I am so glad that I played with my child. I've got to do more of this before it's too late. Already my eldest is spending more time on his own or with his friends then with us. Here's my answer right here in front of me. This is how I can give back to the world.

I'm a failure as a parent

Big dose of karma as I play witness to my kid's disrespectful, unruly, whiny, spolied, inappropriate and annoying behaviour. Yes, these are the little products of my parenting. I have lost the battle -- they no longer respect my authority, they are a complete embarrassment to my half-assed attempt at 'gentle discipline'. I'm ready to get them each DSes, sign them up for away camp, send them to day-long playdates, plug them into more TV -- anything to get them out of my hair -- anything to placate them into complying.

SIGH. I know the melodrama here is a bit much, but this is how I feel -- completely hopeless. A friend of mine tried to help me out today by offering what works for them -- consistency, clear consequences, immediate repercussions -- no guff. Show them you mean business or they'll walk all over you. So I did it today and it was a colossal failure. When my daughter started to give me lip, I sternly told her that her behaviour was disrespectful and asked her to stop immediately. Same as always, she continued to back-talk, so I sent her to bed without story time -- a 'fair' punishment. And as expected she cried and yelled and fussed and got even angrier. When she finally calmed down, I asked her if she knew why she had been sent to bed and of course she could not articulate her offense. I was just a bad mean mother. Great. Did she 'learn the lesson'? No, she did not. Will she do it again? Probably. Maybe the punishment was not stern enough. In fact she decided that she much preferred reading to herself in bed anyways and made sure to show me that my lame-ass attempt at corporal punishment would not break her. Ugh. I've got to dig deep and find my back bone here. My friend is right -- consequences must be immediate. I am inconsistent, I tolerate inappropriate behaviour to avoid the pain and then just snap and go ape-shit on them when I can't take it anymore. I am the crazy woman in the picture my 7 year old drew of me here.

How will this play out next time? Warnings and reason -- I should have explained that we speak to eachtother with respect and that if she continues to speak to me in that tone I will not want to carry on a conversation with her let alone read her a story. It's the same punishment, but made with a better link to the offensive behaviour. Maybe if reminded of the consequence, she would have chosen to stop? I didn't give her the opportunity. I should know how to do this. I tell my partner all the time -- I'll be ready to carry on this conversation when you are ready to speak to me respectfully. And it always works.

I need to make it clear that when they are suffering the consequences for their misbehaviour (and throwing a fit in the process), that THEY are the ones that chose their path and that they are the ones that can make a different choice to fix the problem. I can see this working. Have to just remember to apply it which is not so easy when I am seeing red ... which is another important tip -- keep it together.

I also need better adjectives to describe their misbehaviour. "I don't like your attitude" "Smarten up" "Stop being a brat" -- these are not working. When I try to label the behaviour, I invite them to defend themselves, which just prolongs the lip. My words need to be few, but effective.

Last bit of great advice -- it will pass. My parenting days are few compared to the number of days they will live without me. This is not that big a deal. I was just as annoying as a child, it's what kids do. K, I think I'm ready for the next round. I will not let my partner rescue me. I want to be the best parent I can be. I want the best outcome for all of us.

Business trip fallout

As much as I am relieved to have my partner back to share the load, I can tell he would much rather be on business. I don't blame him really -- the kids are extra annoying and needy these days. He says they need to be house-broken after a week of being spoiled. Fine. Yell at them all you want, it won't make a difference. They'll still fight, disobey and whine. They are kids afterall and these are the best days of our fucking lives. I don't know what I expected really -- I'd probably feel the same way had I gotten a nice long break from the family that drives me mental. Of course now I am starting to feel guilty. I love them. They are dear to me. It's just really hard to be 'on' all the time. Hopefully my partner will get over his disappointment and move onto acceptance. They say that one day I will look back on these crazy days with fondness and longing. I will only remember the good and give anything to be back where I am right now. Perhaps.

A perfect dose of reality

So, my week as single-mom is finally up and boy am I grateful for the opportunity to have test-driven divorce ... or at least the functionally independent piece of the picture (emotional and financial distress asside).


What can I say other than "Holy Shit, my Partner is a Saint". He does a lot. I mean a lot. I had no idea until I was left doing it all myself .. and then even then, I let things drop. This was a great reality cheque because I honestly thought that I did more. I knew his contribution was important, but I did not realize the extent of it. I also learned more about myself --that although it was trying at times, I am capable -- brushing teeth and reading in French is not THAT bad. However, when my partner equally shares in household and childcare duties it gives me a break from having to parent all the time, especially when I am feeling tapped out. It also frees up time I can have to MYSELF ,to exercise, read, surf, hang with friends, or whatever. This is important to me and I missed not having so much of it this week. How the hell do single parents do it and still remain sober and sane?

Another great thing was that I really bonded with the kids. I had to be everything for them and I think I did okay. There was no one else distracting me, they got to have all of their Mom for a change. I also felt a renewed sense of freedom to do things my way. I didn't have to check-in with anyone and I didn't have to feel guilty for not living up to someone else's expectations (not that my partner is demanding, because it's me who is Queen Bee). I think this is a healthy attitude and one I should continue regardless if I am solo or not.

I like being self-sufficient to an extent. I can do a lot so there's no reason why I should be shirking off my responsibilities because I have an accommodating partner. I certainly don't want him to wake up one day and realize he does everything and is taken for granted. I will appreciate him more and I will do more myself. I will not be spoiled and unappreciative anymore. My Gawd what a fantastic and exhausting experience -- every couple should be forced into a period of independent parenting for a week.xx

More on Nagging

It's my responsibility as a parent to nag my kids when it comes to teaching them to be respectful to others and to work hard. I was reminded of this today -- instill good work habits early on and a prosperous future is pretty much guaranteed. And yet it seems so unnatural to keep motivating my kids to do their school work, practice their piano and read. I've said it a million times before -- I hate to hear myself nag. Ideally I want them to be motivated by the task. I want my son to run to the piano and be so engrossed in his book that he can't put it down. Sure I don't mind reminding them of their obligations -- they are kids after all. But the coercion, threats, bribes, yelling. These are things I want to avoid.

I think I take for granted how hard my parents worked to get me where I am. I was one of those kids who as my mothers often says "had to be pushed". I day-dreamed a lot. I took forever to do anything. I just didn't see the point to school. My mother had to watch me do my homework everyday or it wouldn't get done. I was paid for every A I brought home and I was terrified of getting anything less than a B. I don't want this for my kids. You cannot sustain motivation by offering external rewards. But then again, somehow it worked. I developed good study habits and a strong work ethic. My mom stopped nagging me about school and found other things to get on my case about. :-)

Again, it's about balance. I owe my kids my best. The future is so much brighter if you are educated. Time to let my inner nag shine. I'll keep it under wraps for my partner, but I'll give my kids all that I've got. xx

I'm better than you

Has parenting, environmentalism and spirituality become my new religion? My mind is always a buzz trying to think of how I can improve in all of these areas -- "I should be doing more" is my mantra. But what does this say about my own sense of self? Is this just my ego screaming out for more? Am I sending out the message that I am better than everyone else who does not make these things a priority? A psychologist friend of mine sees the pressure in perfectionist parenting as people's way of seeking an identity, one they feel is superior to others. She says that it takes having a strong sense of self to not fall into the rat race.

I condone my old man for falling prey to religious zealots, but maybe I'm doing the same thing with my own beliefs? A friend of mine tries not to cling to opinions or become too emotionally attached to anything he thinks. After that happens, you are defending your own dogma. EVERYTHING should be up for questioning and debate -- when proven wrong, simply appreciate that you are better informed.

I think this goes back to intent. How often do I brag about what I am doing? How often do I try to convince others that I am right and they are wrong? How often do I judge people by their choices rather than by who they are as people? What about when I fail to see that it's a matter of choice and compromise -- every one's circumstances are different afterall. I may do x, y and z but at the expense of a, b and c. Respect for others is key!

More Parenting Woes

I keep thinking about the power struggles I've gotten into with the kids lately and while we usually sort things out, the same types of problems keep repeating themselves. I keep waiting for them to just learn how to 'do the right thing', but it's just not happening. I hesitate to question myself (one of the worst things I do as a parent), but some adjustments might be needed since my partner and I want to slit our wrists by the end of the weekend.

 

As a general rule, my partner and I try to avoid bribes, threats, rewards and punishments. Our goal as parents is to teach the kids to make good choices, to take responsibility and to have self-discipline. Rather than force them to comply, we try to educate by giving reasons about why they should do what we ask of them. This works some of the time, but not always. It requires patience, empathy, and more patience -- not my speciality.

 

It's hard not to resort to threats because they work. Some parents feel these are acceptable tactics because they are short lived -- kids quickly learn to listen. But then there are some that never learn -- they grow up without self- discipline, needing someone else to always tell them what to do. They are ME. What if this happens to my kids? Here's another case in point -- a friend of mine, plagued with guilt over an extra-martial affair, finally confessed to her husband and afterwards said to him -- "I'm ready for my punishment now." WTF! She needed him to discipline her. *Sigh*

 

When I'm disciplining the kids, I try to think back to my own childhood. I remember being really angry with my parents for punishing me -- rarely would I learn that what I did was wrong. Instead I'd be plotting revenge on my sister who ratted me out or vowing to not get caught the next time. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, know the difference between right and wrong and take responsibility. The only rewards for their behavior will come from within their own heart and conscience, because I won't be there to do this for them when they're adults.

 

So where does this leave me? If I want to stick to my 'no threats, punishments, bribes and rewards' philosophy, I have to factor in more time and patience. I cannot peacefully come up with logical reasons when we are always scrambling to get out the door. Our plates are way too full again -- I need to simplify. I also have to get better at instilling consequences ... which are kind of like punishments but more closely linked to the behaviour and framed so that they seem logical -- it's a bit manipulative. My partner is the master of coming up with and communicating these. I'm just lazy. He can turn a "you don't get to have dessert until you finish your supper" bribe into an informed consequence using the 'When/Then" rule --WHEN you finish your supper THEN you have dessert.
Lastly, I have to cut myself some slack. There are no hard and fast rules and I should not be disappointed in myself when I can't live up to these ideals. Nothing is ever that absolute. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I'm sure I am causing other neurosis by some other action -- it's normal. Golden Rule, once again -- I would never dream of using threats on my friends, so why should I do that to the three little people who mean the most to me?

I'll Give You Something to Cry About

My kid's crying and whining annoy me to no end. But I think it's my own poor response that bothers me more than the actual crying. Gentle Discipline Colorosso D is no where to be found once the crying starts. I am so desperate for it to stop, that I forget to be empathetic and comforting. Instead I accuse them of being overly sensitive and shout at them to ´quit their crying´ followed by numerous other threats and pleas.

So, I know it's wrong. How can I learn to deal with the waterworks better? Get to the root cause of the problem -- ask questions and gently guide them to see that what they are crying about is really no big deal. The most important part is that they need to reach their own conclusion -- telling them that they are crying over nothing obviously doesn't work -- it invalidates their feelings. And nobody wants their feelings invalidated, no matter how idiotic they may seem. It tells children that they should hide how they feel and pretend to be happy to please mommy. Ugh! K, back to the solution. EMPATHY once again -- listen, pause, let them tell you what's wrong. Wait for them to calm down, hold them, give their feelings a name, hugs, got it.

Just thinking about my own childhood should be enough motivation to make me want to get this right. "up, up, up" -- what my old man would say to us between our sobs while waving the back of his hand in our faces to get us to stop crying. Anything I do will be an improvement from this! Alright, I'm ready -- bring on the tears my babies, Mommy's here for you.