Sibling Rivalry

Like most parents, the kids fighting really grates on our nerves. How can we have peace in our lives with this constant bickering. I'm tired of being their referee!

Here's a nice summary from the book Siblings Without Rivarly:

Level I - Normal Bickering
Ignore it!

Level II - Situation heating up, adult intervention might be helpful
1. Acknowledge their anger (e.g. "you two sound mad at eachother")
2. Reflect Each Child's Point of View (e.g. "So Johnny you want to play with the game because you found it first. And you Susie feel you are entitled to a turn too")
3. Describe the Problem with Respect (e.g. "That's a tough one -- two children and only one game")
4. Express confidence in the children's ability to find their own solution
(I'm sure you two can work out a solution that's fair to each of you")
5. Leave the room

Level III - Situation Possibly Dangerous
1. Inquire (e.g. "is this a play fight or a real fight?")
2. Reminding children that playfighting is by mutual consent -- if both aren't haven't fun, then it's got to stop
3. Respect your feelings (e.g. "you may be playing, but it's too rough for me. You need to find another activity")

Level IV - Situation Definitely Dangerous Adult Intervention Necessary
1. Describe what you see (e.g. "I see two very angry children who are about to hurt each other")
2. Separate the children ("It's not safe to be together. We must have a cooling-off period. Quick, you to your room and you to mine")

BLEH!! I'm so used to jumping in and screaming at them. How can I possibly stay calm enough to be empathetic? Apparently this works. I have friends who say this WORKS.

Attachment

 

I don´t think much about attachment parenting these days because it´s just something we learned to do ten years ago, because it made a lot of sense to D and I.  We consciously formed a close bond with our babies by nursing, carrying them and co-sleeping so that we could easily respond to their needs.  This hopefully made them feel secure that we loved them and would not abandon them.

But recently I stumbled onto an article on how attachment affects adulthood. It´s a good reminder of why this is so important.

• Secures have a greater sense of general well-being -- they are more self-confident and more balanced and realistic in their expectations of themselves
• Under stress, secures stick to the task better -- they don´t become either highly emotional or deny the problem
• Secures are less likely to use alcohol for coping
• Secures are happier in relationships and are less distant, defensive or distressed by feeling vulnerable
• Secures are less frustrated with their partners, less ambivalent about their relationships and less jealous, clinging or fearful of abandonment
• Secures become angry less often, but they see anger as more constructive, feel better during arguments, see less hostility in their partners´ intentions and expect more positive outcomes
• Secure are more likely to see their partners as trustworthy friends and can accept their faults
• Secures are less likely to show physiological arousal when separated from their partners
• Secures are less likely to engage in sex without feeling love for their sexual partners

Well, there you have it.  I am not a Secure.
This is good information though.  I´ve done right by my kids.  I really hope this is true and that they will have great relationships because they are secure.

Be good for goodness sake

I was raised to be good so that I wouldn't burn in hell.  If I stepped out of line, I knew there'd be consequences (spanking, grounding, withdraw of privliges) so I toed the line, for the most part.  But now as a parent I'm trying to raise my kids to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

It's not easy because I stay away from typical tricks -- bribes, rewards, threats and punishments because they don't teach kids self discipline. These methods teach kids to conform for fear of reprisal or because they expect some material gain from doing what's expected of them.  I won't always be there to hang something over them, nor will society.  Plus I want to learn that being a decent person is it's own reward.  So when I come across examples of using reason and logic to teach kids morals, I was blown away.  Take this example:

• To explain why cheating in school is wrong, in addition to saying that it's damaging to your character and that you can no longer look at yourself as an honest person, you could say that in the long run it's bad for everyone because grades mean less and teachers won't be able to assess who needs help and who should advance.  Ahhhhhhh.  This explanation makes perfect sense, but it's not second nature for me to think this way, especially on the spot. 

Sadly, phrases like 'Because I said so' are still in my repertoire.  Here's hoping I can start to apply this kind of reasoning to my parenting dialog!

Re-thinking praise

In an earlier post, I wrote about how praise was bad for kids -- how it turns them into praise junkies who grow up to be needy adults. Since then, my partner and I have cut back on praise. In fact when I hear other parents mindlessly telling their kids "good job" at every turn, it really grates on my nerves.

But something is amiss. I feel like an ogre for not encouraging my kids. Afterall, showing appreciation builds a child's self-esteem (Unfortunately that word brings to mind accusations of weak parents and schools who sacrifice educating children by not allowing them to fail and thereby preserving the child's self-esteem. I'll save that topic for another post though). A child's self image has a profound effect on their thinking processes, emotions, desires, values and goals. And it's my responsibility to help them create a positive and realistic image of themselves. It also feels great when someone else recognizes your struggle and congratulates you on a job well done. Who doesn't want to be appreciated by their loved ones? So maybe I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater where praise is concerned.

I think the key to expressing appreciation is sincerity. 'Good jobs' for jumping off the bottom step on a play structure is completely and utterly meaningless! In order for praise to boost self-esteem, it's got to be specific so that the child can praise themselves. Here's how the book How To Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk suggests praising kids:

1. Describe what you see: "I see a clean floor, a made bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf."

2. Describe what you feel: "It's a pleasure to walk in this room."

3. Sum up the child's praise worthy behaviour with a word: "You sorted all your craft materials into different containers and threw out all the broken pieces. That's what I call organization."

I really like this approach. It's easy to remember too. I can tell right away if my praise is sincere because if I have a difficult time describing what is so great then I know that it's not. Bonus is that this works with my partner -- I'm learning that spouses need appreciation too. In fact, they crave it (more on that later).

So this post is more a reminder to myself than anything. Sometimes I think that I must've been raised by wolves -- just look at how long it's taken me to start learning how to be a decent human being. XX