The Problem With Parenting

Being a parent for the past six years has really forced me to grow up -- I am more loving, selfless and wiser than I ever dreamed possible, thanks to motherhood. But there's a dark side to parenting that I feel uncomfortable with. It's about strongly identifying with the parenting role to the point of squelching your child's spirit.

I've read that the problem with roles is that it alters your perception of other people. You treat them as they relate to your role and not as other human beings. Sometimes I feel like I'm really power tripping with my kids. I get carried away with the rule-setting and monitoring. I forget they are people too and deserve respect. As a child, I remember what if felt like being constantly told what to do and feeling shame for falling short of my parent's expectations again and again.

According to Tolle, here's what can happen when the parent role takes over your sense of self:
The parenting function becomes exaggerated -- preventing your child from danger becomes overprotectiveness and interferes with their need to figure the world out on their own. The overbearing continues long after your child grows up because you're so used to being that role, that you can't let go of the need to be needed by your child. And when your adult child thwarts your control or influence you start to criticize, disapprove or try to make the child feel guilty. This is all in an attempt to preserve your parenting role, which is really no longer needed! This also describes the relationship I have with my parents today. I still consult them on way too many decisions and I fret about not having their approval in many areas of my life, such as spirituality.

So, what to do? I don't think it's responsible for parents to usurp their role entirely and be their kid's friend. My job is to help, guide and protect. I just don't want to be an over-bearing and controlling mother, even though part of me feels like it's too late to change.

Give them space -- space to be, is what Tolle suggests. "I know what's best for you" is okay when they are very young, but becomes less and less so as they get older. I don't think most parents realize this. A friend of mine says his job is to prepare his children to leave the nest. Everyone pitches in to make the family work. I remember growing up that my Mom absolved my sister and I of chores because she felt it was more important to focus on schoolwork or our activities -- that if we were successful in life, we'd just pay someone else to do housework. I don't want that for my children. I can see how independence boosts their self-esteem. They feel like their contribution (even if it's small) is valued. I also try to remind myself to consult my kids on family decisions -- not everything, but things that affect them. Again, this has a huge impact on their esteem. I also feel like I'm treating them as people instead of my belongings.

I think the hardest thing for me is to let go of control -- to let them make mistakes. I don't want them to suffer. Yet suffering is essential to growth. Otherwise they'll grow up to be shallow and spoiled. It's like I need my own parent to remind me to back off. If I practice it enough, it will surely stick.

Tolle also advises parents to give their children attention. Not based on what they do, as in feedback or praise, but simply just giving them your full attention when they need it. For me, that is one of life's greatest gifts. I love you, you are important to me, nothing else matters more right now. Presence.

I'm glad that I got these ideas out of my head. I really have the potential to fuck up my kid's life by being a lousy parent. But the ironic thing is that less is more. If I just relax and be myself instead of trying to be a perfect mother, I'll be doing the best for my kids.

Facebook

I've just been reading up on Facebook Addiction -- people who spend more than an hour a day on it ... hmmmmm. I know I am wasting my time checking in and constantly updating my status. But now my family is starting to get annoyed, which tells me it's a problem. Before I make any decisions on how to break the addiction, I should figure out what I like about FB, what my intentions are and what I can definitely do without.

I enjoy sharing information and I appreciate that my friends share their postings with me. It's my Internet filter. If my friends have found something interesting online, then I'm likely to find it interesting as well.

It's a form of self expression. I come across as pretty serious most of the time, so it's great for me to be able to express my wit and humour. Most of my material is good 'ol family folly that many can relate to.

I've been able to re-connect with some friends that I don't get to see on a regular basis and it feels great to have them back in my life again.

So, what annoys me (other than the fact that it's become an uncontrollable habit).

Boasting: A lot of people use FB to brag about how cool they are. It's so transparent and yet considered acceptable on FB. I'll admit that I did this on one of my status updates and it made me feel pretty small afterwards. I recently showed my partner (who incidentally refuses to join FB) a friend's posting that was a public display of affection. My comment was that it's too bad men don't do it because women really eat that sort of thing up. He said that it wasn't a PDA, it was territorial pissing. My husband, always the romantic. I'll admit I've friended a few ex-boyfriends and have made sure there's a good number of great photos of me and my 'gorgeous' family. I might as well have added captions that read "look at me you stupid fucks -- I found love and happiness in spite of you". K -- time to de-friend the exes now that I've got that off my chest. Perhaps it's as simple as examining my intentions every time I feel the need up post something. I want to add value to other people's life, not clutter up their newsfeeds. Who cares what I am doing anyway? I certainly don't care what most of them are doing?

Need for Approval. I'll admit that soon after I post something, I check to see if someone else 'likes' it or has commented. I'm also curious to read other people's comments to postings, even though I don't know these friends of my FB friends. Rarely do the comments add anything of value -- Look at you! How do you manage? Way to go! Praise junkies, is all I can think.

Oversharing: It's too easy to reveal too much about yourself on FB. It makes me cringe, and a couple of times it's even pissed me off. I'm guilty of it too. Do I really want everyone to know everything about me? Or should I reveal parts of myself to only the people who count in my life?

I don't think I can quit cold turkey, like my sister did. I need some boundaries. One site recommends asking yourself “What did I just accomplish by checking Facebook?” That should at least keep my visit focused, instead of just killing time. I could also keep a list (yes, a list) handy of things I could be doing instead of surfing FB. Maybe I'll commit to only posting/updating my status once a week and see where that gets me. Probably the best thing to do would be to examine my intentions -- it will make me more aware and more likely to do the right thing.

My Productivity Obsession

Love at first sight. I remember when my Dad brought home this pad of 'Things to Do' lists from the office. From that point, the 'Things To Do' list just became part of me. I can't even imagine life without it. Problem is, I ALWAYS want to be productive with my time -- surprise, surprise, I'm productivity-obsessed. So what's wrong with that? Time is precious after all.

For starters, I have a hard time relaxing, even though I know I should. I haven't watched a movie in ages because I can't bear the thought of wasting two hours doing nothing when there's a shit load of stuff to get done. But I'm on mat leave for fucks sake. What so desperately 'needs to get done'?

The other problem is that the Things To Do List is a major source of dissatisfaction. It never ends. Something gets checked off, and three more things get added. The list is a reminder that I am not being productive with my time. I'm on FB, or shopping or snacking most of the day. The list makes me feel like a failure.

Obviously, I want it to stop. Lately, it's those rare moments when my mind is empty and everything feels so still and quiet that I cherish the most. I love weekends that are 'open' -- no commitments, a vague sense of what needs to get done, but no real plan. I'm able to just enjoy BEING instead of feeling pressured to stick to the plan. I'm tired of living this rat race. I want more fun and spontaneity in my life. So, how to get off this productivity train?

Let's start with where this might be coming from. I think it could be genetic. However, Zukav says that "at its roots 'workaholism' (is that what this is?) is the exploitation of people and circumstances in order to avoid pain. It is a narrow focus on the project in front of you. You do not see others or what they are feeling, except when they affect what you are doing. You do not hear others, or listen to what they are saying except when what they say affects you. Friends, promises and priorities all disappear into the self-satisfying obsessive fixation on your job, career or remodeling project. You are impatient with those who cannot see the importance of what you are doing. Even if what you are doing has significance to others, you do it for yourself. Your agenda is to occupy your attention. You cannot experience what you are feeling and your awareness is fixated on accomplishment. The only emotion that you experience is the temporary satisfaction that comes with completing a project, but that is quickly replaced by the need to accomplish something else. "

JEEESH!!! I'd like to think that I'm not that bad -- that I'm capable of putting the needs of my family ahead of my 'Things to Do List'. And what pain am I avoiding? Maybe I need a shrink to help me sort this out?

I have a friend whose favourite thing is to do nothing. Yikes, I can only imagine. Maybe I need to plan a 'Do Nothing' day and allow myself to NOT feel guilty for a change. Maybe I'll make it Mother's Day this year.

ACCEPTANCE keeps popping up. Yes, life is just one damn thing after the next. Accept that the list will never end. I am not a failure for not getting everything done. It's just the way life is!

Stop signing up for shit. I spend a lot of time investigating fun activities for the family. Extra commitments just stress me and everyone else out. I don't need my partner or best friend to be the voice of reason all the time. I can tell myself that I'm taking on too much. I can stop myself before it starts.

So there -- a promise to myself to do less. I want peace badly, so I think it will stick!

Distracted

"She took a bar of soap and headed for the fountain. She took off her clothes, letting them drop in the short grass, and then, wearing only the leather thong that held her knife, she sponged herself with cold water and soaped her body. She shouted to the man to bring her a towel. The government employees interrupted their work and, scythes in the air, began to watch".

I close my eyes for a minute -- I am the native girl in this story. Yes, that'll do it ...

Good Praising!

Saying "Good Job" is like a nervous tic for me. I don't even realize that I'm saying it. I even remember having been proud that I had at one time replaced "good boy/girl", with enthusiastic "good jobs". And now I'm learning that praise is NOT good for kids. Rather than motivate, praise DE-motivates and can even wreak havoc on their esteem in the long run. This completely flies in the face of positive reinforcement!

Here's a summary of a great article that explains why praise is bad:

1. Sometimes it's about control. We know they're hungry for our approval so we praise them to get them to comply. I know this is manipulation because I do it in my marriage - yikes! This won't be easy, but I'm going to try looking closer at my motives to see if my comments are helpful or if I'm just trying to control them.

2. Creating praise junkies. I can see the dependency potential -- they know what pleases Mommy, so they behave a certain way to get more praise, feels like love, want more praise, etc. Sadly, I was that child hopping up and down yelling "look at me, look at me, did you see what I did?" Rather than feeling good about my own achievements, I didn't feel that it counted unless someone else saw it. In fact, this 'need for approval' is one of my biggest relationship hang-ups *sigh*. I DO NOT want this for my children.

3. Robbing them of the opportunity to figure things out on their own. That look of delight on my child's face when they are pleased with an accomplishment is so precious. But when I jump in with my own 'good job', I'm giving them my evaluation of what's good rather than letting them form their own judgements. Why as a parent do I always feel the need to provide my own commentary? "That was great" "Good __ing!" "I like your sharing". Why say anything? Who cares what I like anyway? It's not about me. Just being there for them and smiling says enough. I want to share in their joy, not have them share in mine. Wouldn't you rather hear "I did it!" than "Was that good?".

4. Losing out on the actual experience. I want my kids to enjoy and learn from an experience -- to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do rather than for an external reward. Research shows that kids who are dependent on praise don't learn to embrace the activity because they are so fixated on the end goal. They also lose interest in the activity once the praise subsides. I want my kids to enjoy life -- to be self-motivators, to have perseverance and to live in the moment, not do things because it pleases someone else.

The more I read about parenting, the more I get the sense that it's just best to back off! Be there for them when they need you, but let them navigate their own way. The business student (and control freak) in me says this is inefficient. But this is not about mastering a work task -- this is their childhood and they only get to live it once. They are not my protegés and this is not about me anymore. So rather than dole out empty praise I'm going to try and say less. I'll still be there to witness and share in their joy. But my feedback (when appropriate) will be descriptive ("You climbed to the top all by yourself") rather than about my feelings ("I'm so proud of you").

I think writing this helps put me on the right track with my praise habit. This really comes back to my overall advice on parenting -- do what's good for your child, not what's good for you.

Gratitude

It's come up a lot in the past year. Most people would consider themselves grateful -- who wants to be an ingrate? But how does one practice gratitude and is it really the key to happiness? I've never been one to embrace the concept of gratitude fully because I grew up being told to be grateful. My mother would warn me to show more gratitude or "the Lord would put you in a position of need and you'd end up crying for what you once took for granted". That kind of advice is right up there with being repeatedly told to not waste food because of the poor kids in Africa. So rather than look at gratitude as an insurance exercise, how can it really improve my relationships, make me a better person and also give my the illusive inner peace I so greatly desire?

I've read that when you are focused on being grateful for what you have, you're less likely to waste time thinking about what is lacking in your life. As I've learned this year, it's those 'wants' that can drive you crazy -- that make you look at your life with dissatisfaction and disdain. Your wants never satisfy you either because you'll always want something more no matter what you have. Wanting is bad - got it.

I'd like to have genuine feelings of gratitude on a daily basis. Some effort is required:
Compassion is a good start. There's nothing like opening your heart and trying to feel another person's pain to make you feel grateful for what you have. That sounds awful -- it should not be the reason we support our loved ones, but it's there in the back of your head -- "thank gawd I am not you".

I've learned this year that to express gratitude feels really good -- I mean REALLY GOOD. Just today I thanked a friend and I could feel a nice warm smile inside me. I can also see the effect it has on the person who feels appreciated. Who wants to be taken for granted?

Sometimes when I'm hosting my own pity party, it's tough to find much to be grateful for -- health, family, career, friends, blah, blah, blah. Yes, it's the same old list, but I shouldn't forget that those are my priorities! Being grateful endears me to them more. Suddenly the little pissoff daily annoyances don't matter when you stop to think about what you love about your life.

Lets not forget being grateful for the little things as well. I find that the added benefit is that it keeps me more present. I would hardly call myself an observant person, but when I take the time to notice and appreciate life's little things, like that all my family members are peacefully sleeping right now which gives me a few minutes of quiet, or that today was perfect Spring weather and I got to spend a good chunk of it outside or that I was able to help my child calm herself down without losing my patience for the first time in a long time ... I could seriously go on and on here ... it just makes me love life more.

Being grateful keeps me satisfied -- what I have is enough.

You're Beautiful!

While out for a run the other night, I turned the corner and almost ran into a man who was clearly drunk. After I apoligized for startling him, he shouted after me "Don't be sorry -- YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" Sad to say those words really made my day. Thank you drunk strange man.