Oh how I love to blame and shame him ...

In this relationship book, How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About it, the worst thing a woman can do to a man is blame, shame and criticize him. According to this book, most women don't realize that men live for pleasing their women. So when women criticize their efforts, it really stings. Here are some of the ways we do it:

overreacting (I CAN'T believe you ...)
not letting him help (forget it, I'LL do it)
correcting (THIS is how you do it)
making unrealistic demands of his time and energy (I need you to ... and ...)
using a harsh tone (I'm so tired of your bullshit)
questioning his judgement (are you going to cook the garlic with the onions?)
withholding compliments (well, it's your JOB to mow the lawn)
showing no interest in his interests (I can't imagine what you see in that)
criticizing his family (your mother is getting on my fucking nerves)
giving unsolicited advice (why don't you ...)
focusing on my own unhappiness (I can't live this way)
expecting him to make me happy (If only you ...)
implying inadequacy (YOU should really be reading this book)
ignoring his needs (you're not really sick)
condescending (you did an okay job with dinner)
comparing (the neighbour's yard looks really nice)
globalizing (all men want is sex)
generalizing (you're always criticizing me)
therapizing (you're trying to make up for your father)
interpreting him (what you really mean is ...)

I remember when I first read this list, I hung my head in shame. There was no way that I treated other people like this yet I was being so abusive to my partner. Then I remembered my next reaction -- well, why the fuck is he so sensitive! I shouldn't have to sugar-coat every fucking word that comes out of my mouth for fear of shattering his pathetic fragile ego. After I calmed down and let it simmer (I always let things simmer), I started to notice his reaction to my words -- that sad, quiet, sullen expression. Words really do hurt. I was unknowingly adding bricks to his wall of resentment. It was a real wake up call for me. What a daunting task at first -- it felt hopeless. Whenever I started to feel it rise up inside me, I *tried* to invoke the process depicted in my very rough flowchart.

Does it work? When I can remember, yes. I'm no longer the habitual bitch. Of course a lot of that has to do with a) how I feel about myself b) my recent spiritual awakening c) the positive influence of some incredibly kind and gentle people in my life. When I slip, I realize it much quicker now and swiftly apologize to make things right again.

The 'golden rule', as utterly simple as it is, works too. Nobody likes to be criticized. Have I ever been criticized and then said "gee, thanks for that, I didn't see things quite like that"? Defensiveness is the knee jerk response we all have. So when some harsh words are on the tip of my tongue, rather than just speak my mind, I try to fast forward to what will happen next -- usually does the trick, when I think of it :-).

Love is more than a word we say to each other. 'I love you' means nothing when you're not treated with love and respect. Relationships really are about being the best you can for the other person.

Choose being kind over being right

If only I knew this stuff in my 20s, it would have saved me years of troubled relationships. I can't even begin to count the number of fights caused by needlessly correcting my partner, not letting go of a position or insisting my way was the only way to do something. Most of the time, the thing we're fighting over is completely irrelevant. In fact, I can't even think up specific examples. Yet I definitely remember the hurt and anger caused by fighting. I like to call them bricks in the wall of resentment. Time to start tearing down the wall. This is no way to live.

Again, this is the Ego rising up to defend itself by making the other person feel small. When I've insisted that I'm right, gotten all steamed up, hurt the other person's feelings and essentially made an ass of myself, it feels pretty lousy, even if I am right. It never feels good to be right at another person's expense. What feels good is making the other person feel good. Even if the other person is wrong, what's the point of correcting them? This is a hard temptation to resist with one's partner. Hopefully I'll catch myself in time -- do I want peace or do I want to be right?

How do I love thee?

According to the book "The 5 Languages of Love" most people have a preference towards two of these ways to feel loved. Knowing your and your partner's 'love language' is the key to a successful relationship (according to this book).

1. words of affirmation - compliments, words of encouragement, requests (instead of demands)
2. quality time - sharing, listening, participating in activities together
3. receiving gifts - from little love notes, to big elaborate get-aways
4. acts of service - given, received, completed as requested
5. physical touch - from a small touch on the shoulder to a passionate kiss

This kind of formula appeals to my need to categorize and generalize. Although, I'm not really sure which of these is me or my spouse. Neither of us are big on gift-giving, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to receive little presents now and then. Who doesn't appreciate hearing kind words? And acts of service are pretty much mandatory around here or else the family just doesn't work.

The book says that problems arise when each person in the relationship communicates their love in the wrong language -- their own preference instead of their partner's. So for me, that would mean doing lots of #5 instead of #2. I can see how this miscommunication might happen early on in a relationship, but surely years of marriage should sort all that out? This book seems to say that people fall out of love because they simply don't feel loved according to how they want to feel loved. Perhaps.

Even though I have no trouble speaking up, I don't like to sound demanding when it comes to love -- "do more of this, less of that, touch me here, I like it when ..." It kills it for me. Yes, I want him to read my mind. My brother says that relationships are about being the best you can be for the other person. He's right. Give what you want (but in the right language, of course :-)). So I'll give this a go; what do I have to lose? I can at least feel good about doing something nice for someone other than myself.

It's how you play the game

Whatever! It's all about WINNING. Nobody likes losing. In any given competition/game, there will always be more losers than winners, so why subject our kids to this misery? I'm really torn about signing my kids up for competitive activities. Is this a good fit for them or am I just going along with what other families are doing?

It's easy to get down on competition -- it can bring out the worst in some people and create an atmosphere of gloom, dread, and even hostility. But on the plus side, competition can push you to really work as a team and give your best effort. I remember from my old vb days, digging deep and pulling it out. And those times where we didn't keep score were certainly more relaxing, but the play was lousy -- nobody tried, it was just human nature.

Proponents say that competition teaches kids to win and lose gracefully. I think this is where parents have to step in. Sadly many do not. I still remember suffering the gloating of those smug little twits at my figure skating competitions. But was it really their fault when they were told they were good at their sport because they beat everyone else? Is that what makes you good? Or can you feel good about your talent without having to test it against your peers?

What about divisiveness. As an adult I learned to have respect for my competitors. I wonder if children view their competitors as equals or as rivals. I think a lot of that has to do with the attitude of coaches and parents. You'll never catch me egging my kids on to cream the other team.... or will you? Yikes -- I suddenly have images of me doing victory dances and talking smack around my partner whenever I've managed to beat him at anything -- golf, running, video games. I guess I'm not teaching my kids how to win gracefully there :-).

What about the real world. We are forced to compete for resources and also to weather disappointment. Does competitive sport not prepare kids for this? Well, success does not mean triumphing over others. Many people can be successful in the marketplace, yet there can only be one winner in sport and chances are it will not be my child all of the time. There are plenty of disappointments in life they are learning to deal with on a daily basis -- like not getting their own way (OMG, I still have a ways to go with this one myself!)

Physical activity is not an issue now because my young children run and play all the time. However with more and more screen time creeping into our lives, I want to ensure that our kids stay active. I feel pressured to enroll them in sports now so that they can keep up with their peers. My partner still relents about how embarrassed he was being 12 in a class of 5 year olds because his parents enrolled him late for swimming lessons. Of course some competitive sports push children too hard. I know a lot of people whose knees are shot because they played too hard as kids.

It's so hard to decide between being a specialist or a generalist. Growing up, all I knew was figure skating. I feel like I missed out on a lot of team sports and other activities. Then again, I needed to practice four days a week to get any good at it. Mastering a skill can boost self confidence, especially when you've persevered. But what if my 'thing' could have been something else, had I only tried it.

Like with most external rewards, I worry that my kids will become so fixated on the prize that they lose interest on the journey. I worked on two skating programs all year round -- that's all I did. I missed out on not only learning other moves, but how to interpret music with my body -- the very best part of figure skating. I think most people would agree that 'learning for the test' is not education.

Some children take competition in stride. You can see that their self-worth is not tied to outcome. And yet others seem addicted to compeition -- anxious and desperate to please their parents. How can I ensure the former and steer my kids away from the latter?

It's about sending them the right messages -- that success is not victory and that it's more important to compete against yourself then others. I'm going to have to tread these waters lightly by balancing competitive sport with non-competitive activities we can do as a family -- biking, running, swimming, etc. Above all, I'll take my cues from my kids. If the activity is not enriching their lives and is creating undesirable behaviour, then it's over. But if it's their passion and they maintain a healthy attitude about it, then I'm not going to stand in their way. Alright, bring it on! (yikes)

the tendency is to push it as far as you can

I can relate completely to this statement. Everything I do seems to be about extremes. Food, booze, fitness -- it's all or nothing with me. When I like something, I start to play games with myself -- how far can I take this? But have I gone too far with my obsessions? Do I have the will power to stop?

The problem with being obsessed is that I'm never satisfied and I'm never in the present. I start thinking ahead to my next fix, and then when I get it, I'm let down because it's never as good as I imagined -- like what I am feeling this very minute. I seem to forget this feeling of emptiness though because I know that as soon as it subsides, I'll be dreaming about my next snack, drink, run, encounter, etc.

Rather than easing into my 40s, I seem to be collecting more obsessions. Frugality is my latest challenge. I fantasize about more and more ways to pinch pennies -- each scheme more extreme than the next. This aricle on 'out-cheaping' rings true for me. I get a real charge out of it. Funny how the article also says that those with obsessed personalities are more likely to be cheap asses.

So where does this come from? Tolle would say that this is my Ego wanting more. The more I do, the more I am. Or is this just my competitive side, driving myself to do better.... which sounds a lot like perfectionism *sigh*. Maybe it's just a lack of self-discipline?

Pushing yourself sounds nobel. I don't think I'm hurting anyone with my extreme nature. It's just that I have a hard time turning it off. It's tiring. A friend of mine told me that her partner asked her if she had an off switch. This is how I feel. I'd like to be able to turn my mind off once in a while and just enjoy being in the moment instead of concocting my next scheme. I want to be in the peace that only presence can give me.

So how do I stop my obsessions from holding me hostage? I'll give myself credit for being in the awareness stage. I'm not going to give up the things and people that make me happy -- cold turkey doesn't work for me. Turning my focus to the present is what I need to do. Stop for a second -- I'm listening to my breathing, what do I hear, feel, smell? When I'm thinking about what's going on around me, my mind is not wandering. I like this feeling. It's peaceful.

Be a World Class Listener

If it wasn't already obvious, this blog is turning into a collection of self-help take aways. I've read a lot of good material and it usually simmers for a day or two before it's forgotten. So I'm hoping that by paraphrasing these gems, they'll start to become a way of life at some point.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love talks about becoming a World Class Listener. I truly feel that feeling listened to is one of our deepest desires and is at the heart of all good relationships, yet very few people do it well.

A typical conversation with my Dad, who is a terrible listener usually goes like this: I say something and not even five words in, his eyes glaze over. Sometimes it's because he's not interested in the topic, but usually it's because he's waiting for his chance to jump in and turn the conversation on to himself. I do it too. I interrupt and finish other people's sentences so that I can add my two cents.

It completely deflates the other person's joy in sharing and it's a ROYAL DRAG. This is my ego saying "look at me, look at what I did". It not only makes me look pathetic, but creates distance between me and the other person. Why not just listen. Pause. Reflect. And say nothing!

I'm learning from a friend who does this really well. It's not easy for me to focus -- I like to talk! But when I put everything else asside and listen to the words and emotions, I feel really connected to what is being said instead of waiting impatiently for my turn to talk. There's also a quiet confidence with letting someone else enjoy the limelight. I don't need to talk about myself to feel good. Oh, I can't wait to practice this again. Talk to me!

Comfort me with Cabernet

"As I raised the glass to my lips, I stopped. The aroma of the wine rushed out to meet me, and all the smells that I had ever known fell away. ... I moistened my lips with the wine and drank it slowly, letting it coat my tongue and slide from one side of my mouth to the other. The brunello trickled down my throat and out along a thousand fault lines through my body, dissolving them. My second glass tasted like a sigh at the end of a long day: a gathering in, and a letting go. I felt the fingers of alcoholic warmth relax the muscles at the back of my jaw and curl under my ears. The wine flushed warmth up into my cheeks, down through my shoulders and across my thighs." (Natalie MacLean).

OMG! I love words that move me. I must have had a lover in a previous life that was a writer -- a man who wooed me with his prose. I marvel at those who can really write. What an amazing ability to be able to express your passion and capture the hearts of others with simple words. I should start collecting passages like this in a separate blog so that I can get drunk on them. Speaking of drunk, the $7.95 Fusion that I'm drinking at the moment is no brunello, but I'm enjoying it's comfort after a full day. My brood is asleep now, my favourite time of day. The quiet darkness of a Saturday night sooths my soul. Alright, I'm not a writer :-). But I really appreciate the craft.