We need to talk

According to the book 'how to improve your marriage without talking about it', one of the worse things couples do is talk about their problems. The hurt and disappointment women express make men feel like big failures. Woman want to talk about their problems to feel better. The disconnection they are feeling makes them feel anxious, isolated and afraid. So a man's feeling of shame keeps him from seeing her fear and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. I get this completely. My partner turtles from conflict and gets very defensive when I want to talk about the relationship. Talking turns into more arguing and the resentment builds.

So if talking is out, how can I fix things? Unfortunately this is where I think this book falls short -- the authors suggest empathy -- seeing the world through your partner's eyes without losing perspective on your own position. Bleh! Not easy, especially when you are upset. For women, this means tuning in to his dread of shame rather than focusing on your own resentment. And for men, tuning into her anxiety rather than your urge to withdraw.

Once you've empathized, making a connection should be a lot easier since the act of empathy actually lowers your own fear or discomfort. To connect with your man, the book suggests making a physical gesture to show that you're there with him (e.g. holding his hand) and k -- this is the ridiculous part ... being available to do something with him that he's good at which will replace his sense of failure with a sense of accomplishment and mastery. Like what? Sex? Let's play some Guitar Hero? How 'bout a few rounds of golf (in the middle of the night, no doubt)? Wait, we don't need prophylactics in our night table drawer, a Sodoku pad will do just fine! This advice is right up there with acting dumb to attract a man. I shouldn't laugh, it's not empathetic of me :-). I can definitely see how talking does not work for us. I'm willing to try anything.

Men can make the connection with their partners by simply being there for them and not trying to be Mr. Fix-It. Thankfully, my partner's learned to turn off his engineering brain when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm also very out-spoken and am quick to let him know when he is needed and when he's offering solutions instead of just listening. I'll explore this concept of a woman's fears in a later post. It's a good exercise to dig deep and get in touch with what's most important to you.

The book gets into some other ways to bring back the love -- fix your partner in your heart four times a day, hug six times a day for six seconds, hold positive thoughts about your relationship, etc. These sound easy, but who does them? I hate it when love is forced. I've tried to touch my partner six times a day and it lasted three days. If you have to remind yourself to do it, then you're not feeling it! We've just never been this way. But maybe I wasn't giving it a fair chance. Didn't I just say that I'd try anything?

This post is not particularly up-lifting. I'm leary of this book's advice working for my relationship. What I can take away though, is a better understanding of my partner's fear of inadequacy and how I trigger that. If I make him feel successful as a lover, protector and provider and he does his part to be sensitive to my own fears we will always have an emotional connection. That makes a lot of sense.

Flirting

This morning, the guy who was restocking shelves at the grocery store asked me how my day was going. When I replied that it was great and asked him the same, he answered me with a wink and a smile "better now, thanks!" I didn't even realize what he had said until I walked away. In fact it put me in an even better mood and I thought about it all the way home. WTF? Not even an hour before, my partner told me that I looked hot and here I was gushing over what the lettuce trimmer said to me. What is wrong with me??!!

My partner's sweetness is what should excite me. Yet I feel that it's not the same as when a stranger flirts. The husband is obligated to say nice things to me. It still means something, but it's somehow lost is lustre. I know my partner feels the same way -- he's over the moon when someone flirts with him. And I quite enjoy watching his giddy excitement too (as long as his head doesn't swell too much). We all want to know that we still have it. Marriage just plain kills the excitement that newness and unfamiliarity spark. Sounds like my relationship needs a little flirting. I just know it's going to feel forced and awkward if I try. In fact just thinking about it fills me with dread. But I do like that tingle and flirting with strangers is just a little creepy. In fact I don't even want to go back to the grocery store now.

I think part of my reaction comes from feeling good about how I look. I haven't felt desirable in a long time. It sounds completely vain to want other people's attention. I'll just be grateful that it occasionally surprises me and that I can count on it being there when I need it from the one that matters the most to me.

Take Action

In my quest for inner peace, I find that I am a lot more aware of things that make me unhappy. This is wonderful because my new awareness forces me to deal with the situation rather than let it continue to piss me off.

As Eckhart Tolle says in the Power of Now, "Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your 'here and now' intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally."

I find it's easier for me to remember these gems when I can relate them to a recent personal example. In this case, it would be my bathrooms. Neither my partner nor I are good with staying on top of bathroom cleaning. The toilets are gross -- disgustingly gross. Their grossness grates on my nerves. I hate them, I hate using them, I hate myself for being so lazy and I even start resenting my partner for not cleaning them. The longer I let the cleaning go, the more my anger builds up.

Then it finally dawned on me, I was wasting a tremendous amount of time making the toilets my enemy. Rather than stressing about what I should be doing, I decided to just clean them. So I did. And it felt good. It felt good to not be angry about it. Now, every Friday I clean all four bathrooms. I don't wait for my spouse to do it. I don't even tell him that I'm going to do it or make him notice that they are done. I just roll up my sleeves and do it. I get to them before they get to me.

A friend of mine approaches life like this. Focus your energy on what you are doing rather than stressing about what needs to be done. Stress is wishing you were 'there' instead of 'here'. Taking action is empowering. I don't like being miserable and sorry for myself.

Taking no action can be just as empowering too. The key is acceptance, once again. If my choice is to do nothing, then I should accept my inactivity and laziness fully. Enjoy it -- be as lazy as you can. My problem is that I can't -- my mind says that I am wasting time. The innerconflict prevents me from enjoying the moment. This is silly though, because it's impossible to stay lazy forever -- shit needs to get done. Obviously, this is something I can work on. I look forward to the challenge of staying present. But I digress, my toilet battle was a good lesson in empowering myself with action rather than making myself the victim with complaining. Victory!

Live to eat or eat to live?

I decided yesterday that I am done with gourmet cooking. A few years ago, I embarked on a culinary challenge -- to cook only exotic and tantalizing meals that were bursting with flavour. Mediocrity was no longer an option. And it was a success -- I've scoured recipe books and websites, watched hours and hours of Food TV and have cooked a wide assortment of meals any foodie would be proud of serving. But lately, I find the pressure to keep turning out new meals does not fit with our busy lives. More ingredients to shop for and prep, more time to marinate and braise and more fucking dishes. Who am I doing this for? The kids couldn't care less. In fact, it's always a battle trying to get them to try yet another new dish. I've proved that I can cook. I can improvise, cook for a crowd, and invent delicious recipes. Yes, I am a good cook.

I finally realize why my mother's cooking was so plain. Time. There are other things I want to be doing with my time right now. I'm not ditching my principals -- meals will still be healthy, cheap, and tasty. I'm just done with trying to strive for perfection. I broke the news to my partner last night and he was disappointed. But he agreed that there's a time and place for everything. Gourmet meals will now be the exception rather than the norm. We might even start appreciating them more. It's a lifestyle choice.

The Greatest Love of All

I feel foolish that it's taken me this long to figure out how important love is. You'd have to be pretty dense to not see humanities' obsession with love. I guess I've always viewed it as one of life's accomplishments -- fall in love, get married, have kids -- check, check, check. Once you've heard him say "I love you", it's understood. Only needy people need to hear it again and again. Doesn't it lose it's specialness if spoken all the time? Knowing that you are loved and feeling loved are two completely different things. I think it's not uncommon for many people to hear things like "Of course I love you! I wouldn't be here if I didn't". That may be true, but what I think most people are saying when they ask "Do you love me?" is "I feel distance between us" or "I'm feeling a low moment right now and I want to hear you say that you love me as I am." or "I'm sorry that I messed up and I need to know that you still love me." or "I'm tired of all the fighting and I want us to be more loving to each other." Those three little words are indeed powerful and should be spoken to eachother. What better way to make an instant connection?

Being loving to one another is a complete attitude change for most of us. Here are some examples off the top of my head:
being respectful of each other's feelings
cutting each other some slack
not expecting perfection -- not expecting anything for that matter
being forgiving
speaking kindly
not reacting
letting go
showing affection
doing your fair share
not blaming, shaming or complaining all the time
being supportive
listening
showing empathy
... and the list goes on and on ...

Sadly, a lot of couples who are in love do none of these on a daily basis. Yet this is what we all need.

So what about single people? I can't help but think of a friend of mine whom I feel has given up the hope of finding someone. Is she doomed? Love yourself. Maybe Whitney's got something there (other than a bad coke habit, ouch). And since I truly believe that nothing lasts and it's foolish to make your happiness someone else's responsibility, this applies to us married folk as well.

Here we are back at acceptance once again! I love myself exactly as I am, this very moment. Yes I do.

Connection

I've been thinking a lot about how important it is to "feel the love" when it comes to my relationships. Well, it just dawned on me that it's equally important to feel loved, especially with kids.

Feeling loved and accepted for who you are makes you feel optimistic and secure. It allows you to cope with the world. When I feel loved, I can relate better to people and difficult situations. I also find it easier to bounce back from set-backs. Love is empowering.

I'm starting look at my daughter's misbehaviour as a cry for help rather than being purposefully manipulative. Often, when I stop what I'm doing, look her in the eye and listen, I can feel an instant connection. When we've spent time doing something together, I know the rest of the day will be easy for us.

Connection is key. I know how good it feels to feel loved and I know how important it is for my children to feel loved. Time to start abundantly communicating my unconditional love throughout the day. Love is where it's at.

“If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, You are right.” (Henry Ford)

A friend of mine who recently started running told me the other day that I was an inspiration to her. Wow! It was nice to hear. She then went on to say that she figured that if I could do it, anyone could. Um, er, thanks? Gotta love those back-handed compliments.

But rather than get all sulky, I'm going to turn it around. She's right -- anyone can do what I've done. In fact 9207 other runners did just that last weekend (7 of whom were 75+ years old). It was not difficult. Once I decided I wanted to run the distance, I just ran it. It was that simple. Maybe it's the race euphoria talking; I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. I just proved it. This optimism is refreshing. I really like the feeling.