Refuse to complain for 3 weeks. When you catch yourself begin your 3 weeks over again. You will find that you complain about the same thing repeatedly

More uplifting advice here. I'm drawn to this in particular because I have a heavy heart. I find myself repeating the same patterns of complaining, blaming, judging at work ... making excuses instead of just making the best of it. This is not how I want to live.
Didn't I promise to check my storm cloud at the door once I was back at work? My partner recently told me that he hates having to listen to things he has zero interest in. No kidding! My work is my thing and I shouldn't bore him to death with the politics of my office. He certainly doesn't subject me to it. But come on, I'm female and I need to talk in order to feel better. Talking is one thing, but complaining ALL THE TIME is pathetic and when I really think about it, complaining just makes me feel worse instead of better. Change, leave or accept D.

Culture of insubordination

I think I've finally figured out why things are so dysfunctional at work. We survive in a culture of insubordination. No one respects authority, there's really no accountability. As my friend says, "the cheques just keep coming in no matter how much or how little we do." So nobody cares and it's contagious as all hell.

Take today for example, I heard my bosses' boss say that he wanted us to meet to develop a work plan that clearly showed what the priorities, time frames and persons accountable would be for each item listed in our Audit Action Plan. But my manager had her own plans. She wanted us to talk about a work plan she had consultants create for us two years ago. Yes, it was a good plan but OMG, this is not what your boss wanted!! Our priorities are his priorities! Of course, I am one to talk. I question everything that I am told to do because I know it will change like the wind and go no where. I remember a couple years ago I complained to a co-worked -- "why should I do that?" "Because she is your manager" was his response. It dawned on me then that I too had absorbed the culture of insubordination of my workplace.

Well, we've got to change. And it starts with me. I WILL step it up and help my manager develop this work plan dammit. I WILL take her requests seriously and live up to my commitments, no matter how frivolous I think they are. Like this classification project I've been bitching about. No, I do not believe in it. But who cares? That's not what they are paying me for. I've got to just follow my orders and stop faffing about. Bloody hell, I will NOT continue to contribute to the dysfunction. I will not.

When we fight

Thankfully, it's not often that my partner and I fight, but when we do, it can last days. The silent treatment is our favourite. We're both too old to yell and say mean things to each other (at least initially). Here's our pattern.

1. He does something to upset me. Remember my rejection post from a few days ago? Well he was not there for me when I needed him the most and it really hurt. So I told him that he let me down (in the most direct and honest way possible).

Mistake #1: Letting my partner know that he has disappointed me is the absolute worse thing I could've said. For us, it's the equivalent of telling a man his dick is small. Seriously. It goes straight to the heart -- he feels like a failure. He feels completely unloved and thinks that I feel he ALWAYS disappoints (which is not true).

2. He gets defensive and explains why I should not be upset. He makes perfectly logical excuses for himself and expects everything to be fine.

Mistake #2: I'm already feeling hurt and not cared for, invalidating my feelings more makes me even more upset. I need him to listen, understand my pain, give me a hug, show me that I matter to him.

3. He feels my disapproval even more now and blames me for upsetting him and expects an apology from me.

Mistake #3: I am now even more pissed off than before and there's no way in fucking hell I am apologizing. Now the gloves are off. Forget about enlightenment and biting my tongue. Anything that's pissed me off in the last month is about to come out. This is war.

On my bike ride in this morning I was thinking about how all of this could have been avoided if I had just lowered my expectations of him. Empathy is not his forte (he's even worse than me). He shows support through service -- taking care of the kids and our home and he does it very well. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't expect my partner to fulfill all of my needs. This is why I have my Mom and my girlfriends to turn to. They are not obligated to make me feel better and because of that I do not get upset if they are not available; they have their own loved ones that need them.

My partner wants to be my hero by fixing my problems. He's a bloody engineer! Like yesterday, I had to go downtown but didn't want to ride my bike in heavy traffic. So my partner suggested I bike halfway, bus it in and then bike back which was a brilliant idea. He was so proud of himself and I was genuinely grateful for his advice. I know this is a small example, but that's where his comfort zone is. Growing up with two brothers and a cold father hasn't taught him to be sensitive to women. In fact when I think back to when we were dating I remember him telling me what a relief it was to be with someone who wasn't emotional! He doesn't want to be my shoulder to cry on and I should stop wanting to change him.

Karma

Probably the number one thing that keeps me out of trouble. Thank Gawd for Karma. When I contemplate doing something wrong, I immediately say "this is going to bite me in the ass -- is it really worth it?" And the best thing about Karma is that it won't hit you where you expect it -- it will be get you back ten fold and will affect something very dear to you. So the temptation is rarely worth the risk. It also works for little things. For example, lately I've noticed myself sneaking food -- a few cookies here, a few morsels of chocolate there. No one will notice. Who am I kidding? My waistline will notice and it already has. Karma baby. You can't get away with anything. You just can't. And I both hate it and love it at the same time.

The Glass Door

This is not about the ubiquitous 'glass ceiling', so you can breathe a sigh of relief -- I've got a feminism diatribe bubbling up inside me that I'll save for another post. This is about information management again, sort of.

Years ago I saw a demo of an in-production collaboration tool much like SharePoint. One of the things that struck me was how each 'site' had two views -- one was public facing and the other view was for those who belonged to the group. They called it a glass-door. You can see what's posted on our door and even look through the glass to see what we are up to, but we're not exposing you to all of the crap WIP material. Sure, you had to write special content for it, but you didn't have to maintain two separate sites. Brilliant.

When I look at our own Intranet site I'm disgusted. We're the flippin' IT group people! There is no information on who we are, what services we provide and how to use them, how to get in touch with us, what training is available, what projects we're working on, what their status is, what systems we support, what our technical environment is, what our priorities or strategic direction is .... I'm starting to get really pissed off as I type this. Bloody hell! DOESN'T ANYBODY THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO MARKET YOURSELF? I don't understand what the problem is. Technical people can't write? We're stiffled by perfectionism? We really don't know what we do and it changes all the time so we can't put it in writing? Wait -- maybe if we say it out loud, we might have to be accountable for it! JESUS!

I want to sit down and do this myself. Of course it's likely to be received with complete disdain because a) it is not my job b) nobody thinks it's worth doing. I don't want to work for an organization that can't sell itself. "Who are you, what do you do, and (most importantly) what can you do for me?" Everyone should be able to answer those questions in 100 words or less dia- bon!

Why should I click on you?

I've been thinking a lot about the sheer volume of information out there and how it's becoming increasingly important to know something about the information you've found before you make the investment to actually read it.

We're all strapped for time and unless someone I trust tells me that I 'have to' read something, upfront, I want to know:

what it's about
why you think I need to read this
how long it is
what I will learn from it
if it's from a reliable source
how recent it is
where I can find more info on it

Back in the days of paper, your Librarian or Records Manager would help answer these questions. Today, it's not so easy. Thankfully websites provide some context with linking. But in my opinion, auto-tagging and summarizing with technology can only go so far. It has to come from the author. Really, people need to learn how to market their content. I want to start now by writing neat little abstracts that let the reader know why (or why not) they should give up 10 mins of their day to read my stuff. It doesn't have to be long -- just needs to answer the question "Here's why I wrote this in the first place". It's also a great way to bring meaning to my work -- D's own legacy.

How make this idea go viral...

I don't care

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person I've become. It's not a bad thing; it's just that the things I used to care so much about no longer matter to me. I'm not talking about my attitude towards my loved ones or my health -- those are still priority #1. It's about little things like decorating. I used to spend endless hours combing through designer mags and watching HGTV looking for inspiring ideas to make my house a home. Today, I COULDN'T CARE LESS. It is a complete waste of time and money. The house looks fine as it is -- bare.

I have become my mother, *sigh*. I remember being really pissed with my mom for having the same furniture as when she and my dad got married, for refusing to make holes in the wall by hanging art and for leaving the house boring beige. I couldn't understand why she didn't care! Well now I do. It's a rat race. Once you start, you can't stop. You end up with rooms full of furniture that you trip over on a daily basis and shelves full of chotsky's that you have to dust or repair all the time. It also fails to satisfy. The temporary high from a room nicely decorated loses it's appeal within days (yes, it's always about the Power of Now). In fact, if you're like me, it'll even start to piss you off -- why the fuck did I paint this room ORANGE?! It's too BRIGHT dammit! We could have taken a real vacation for what I just spent on new linens, frig! KIDS! STOP CLIMBING ON THAT EXPENSIVE TABLE!! etc, etc.

We all know know people who live for decorating -- they invest hundreds of hours painting elaborate faux finishes, scour antique markets for treasured nick knacks, and sew their own decorative throw pillows and draperies. It's quite impressive and at the same time heart breaking. I just want to shout "None of those things make a happy home lady!" That used to be me. If I could only get back all those hours I spent shopping at Home Sense and planning my designer projects in exchange for quality time spent playing with my kids or even exercising. Those are what matter to me now.

So where is this coming from? Have I matured, or just given up on life? My family thinks I'm depressed and perhaps they are partly right. But maybe I'm just finally learning how to be me. Endless conversations with my Mommy friends about renovations and decorating projects made me feel like I needed to follow the trend. Now I'm just more comfortable with the status quo. I mean, I haven't given up completely -- I still take pride in a neat and clean house. It's just that the decorating (along with the gourmet cooking) is no longer important. And that's OK.