Why I'm not voting for the Cons

Integrity, accountability, transparency, DEMOCRACY. These words mean something to me. I consider public office a high honour -- we give our government the privilege of serving our interests and yet with the Harper government, he only serves the interests of his party and their rich, right-wing, religious zealots. Ignatieff was right this week when he said that Harper shuts down any form of dissension. Muzzling government officials, refusing to provide access to government information, misappropriating public funds, vetoing bills in the Senate, lying to parliament. The list goes on and on. This is not democracy. This is not my Canada. And still the polls remain unchanged. I heard on the CBC that scandal means nothing to voters unless it's a sex scandal or results in profiteering. This boggles my mind! Millions of people put their lives on the line for democracy all over the world and all we have to do over here is simply VOTE -- send the message that democracy matters. Wake up Canada!

I'm the boss

Finally, a chance at the job I am perfectly suited to. Hurray, my dreams have come true!! So why am I miserable? It's over-whelming and I don't know where to start. Part of me wants to start from the start. What is our mandate and our objectives. This will set our priorities. K, but then I can see too few staff aimlessly working on big loosely defined projects. But what about those urgent tasks that hijack our projects.  Maybe I need to track these to stay on top of the work that's actually getting done. Sadly, this inability to focus has become a way of life for us, including myself who used to be the productivity master. How can I help us achieve? My day has finally arrived and I haven't a fucking clue to lead us to victory. Part of me wants to have daily scrums with the team -- name two things that you will accomplish today. That's it, just two things. But then part of me feels we need a break from micro-managing. The team doesn't need more interruptions from me nor do they need to keep providing status updates. Frig! I have to trust that they know what they are doing and empower them to make their own decisions instead of making them ask for permission all the time. It's been years since any of us have had a normal work life and I'm worried that it's too late. My worst fear is that nothing will get done and my dream of making a difference will be just that, a dream. I think I have to follow my gut on this one. We will complete three things this month. We will work together. We will measure our progress. We will succeed!

Politics

A bit of election fever over here -- have been so anxious to talk about how things are playing out for each party, who is likely to win, etc. that when I had both sides of the family over for some cake tonight, I froze. It was clear from the onset that none of us shared the same views and everyone could feel the tension, so thankfully the conversation went no where. I didn't want to challenge my Dad -- I didn't want to ask my BIL why he thought Ignatieff was untrustworthy -- I just wanted everyone to be happy. Perhaps the timing was wrong, it was my son's b-day after all. But I think it goes deeper than that. Politics are 'incendiary'. Talking about it does not really inform and educate, it isolates and can even insult. I'm passionate about my views and I feel that those with opposing views are uninformed and hell I even think a lot of them to be selfish and naive. And this makes me feel awful because I should realize that a person's political aflictions say nothing about the people they truly are. Judging is wrong D. I need to be accepting of other viewpoints and try to learn from them. And yet, here I am only talking politics with those who share my views. Why? So we can agree and pat each other on the back? K, I feel like I'm turning this into another identity, that is strengthened by vilifying the other side. 'Us vs them' is not what I need more of. Time to be more objective.

I'm better than you

Has parenting, environmentalism and spirituality become my new religion? My mind is always a buzz trying to think of how I can improve in all of these areas -- "I should be doing more" is my mantra. But what does this say about my own sense of self? Is this just my ego screaming out for more? Am I sending out the message that I am better than everyone else who does not make these things a priority? A psychologist friend of mine sees the pressure in perfectionist parenting as people's way of seeking an identity, one they feel is superior to others. She says that it takes having a strong sense of self to not fall into the rat race.

I condone my old man for falling prey to religious zealots, but maybe I'm doing the same thing with my own beliefs? A friend of mine tries not to cling to opinions or become too emotionally attached to anything he thinks. After that happens, you are defending your own dogma. EVERYTHING should be up for questioning and debate -- when proven wrong, simply appreciate that you are better informed.

I think this goes back to intent. How often do I brag about what I am doing? How often do I try to convince others that I am right and they are wrong? How often do I judge people by their choices rather than by who they are as people? What about when I fail to see that it's a matter of choice and compromise -- every one's circumstances are different afterall. I may do x, y and z but at the expense of a, b and c. Respect for others is key!

More Parenting Woes

I keep thinking about the power struggles I've gotten into with the kids lately and while we usually sort things out, the same types of problems keep repeating themselves. I keep waiting for them to just learn how to 'do the right thing', but it's just not happening. I hesitate to question myself (one of the worst things I do as a parent), but some adjustments might be needed since my partner and I want to slit our wrists by the end of the weekend.

 

As a general rule, my partner and I try to avoid bribes, threats, rewards and punishments. Our goal as parents is to teach the kids to make good choices, to take responsibility and to have self-discipline. Rather than force them to comply, we try to educate by giving reasons about why they should do what we ask of them. This works some of the time, but not always. It requires patience, empathy, and more patience -- not my speciality.

 

It's hard not to resort to threats because they work. Some parents feel these are acceptable tactics because they are short lived -- kids quickly learn to listen. But then there are some that never learn -- they grow up without self- discipline, needing someone else to always tell them what to do. They are ME. What if this happens to my kids? Here's another case in point -- a friend of mine, plagued with guilt over an extra-martial affair, finally confessed to her husband and afterwards said to him -- "I'm ready for my punishment now." WTF! She needed him to discipline her. *Sigh*

 

When I'm disciplining the kids, I try to think back to my own childhood. I remember being really angry with my parents for punishing me -- rarely would I learn that what I did was wrong. Instead I'd be plotting revenge on my sister who ratted me out or vowing to not get caught the next time. I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, know the difference between right and wrong and take responsibility. The only rewards for their behavior will come from within their own heart and conscience, because I won't be there to do this for them when they're adults.

 

So where does this leave me? If I want to stick to my 'no threats, punishments, bribes and rewards' philosophy, I have to factor in more time and patience. I cannot peacefully come up with logical reasons when we are always scrambling to get out the door. Our plates are way too full again -- I need to simplify. I also have to get better at instilling consequences ... which are kind of like punishments but more closely linked to the behaviour and framed so that they seem logical -- it's a bit manipulative. My partner is the master of coming up with and communicating these. I'm just lazy. He can turn a "you don't get to have dessert until you finish your supper" bribe into an informed consequence using the 'When/Then" rule --WHEN you finish your supper THEN you have dessert.
Lastly, I have to cut myself some slack. There are no hard and fast rules and I should not be disappointed in myself when I can't live up to these ideals. Nothing is ever that absolute. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. I'm sure I am causing other neurosis by some other action -- it's normal. Golden Rule, once again -- I would never dream of using threats on my friends, so why should I do that to the three little people who mean the most to me?

If you can't see yourself doing this for the rest of your life, then the weight is going to come right back.

*Sigh* My plan to abstain for dessert until I reach my weight goal is really pointless. Because permanent lifestyle changes are the only way to get a hold of your weight. *Sigh* The bright side is that abstaining for a few days has shown me that:

I do have self-discipline (way down deep)

I snack on sweets way too often ... sugar addiction, perhaps?

I will appreciate dessert more once I finally let myself indulge

Dry periods are a good thing for me. However, it's more bipolar than healthy. I do not want my life to be a constant yo-yo. In addition to these tips that are still not entrenched, here are some other strategies I was reminded of today:

 

1. close the cupboard: I reach for little handfuls of snacks all the time without even thinking that they do in fact COUNT. Just walk away. It's difficult the first few times, but each one is a victory for self discipline.

2. say no to treats that are not 'splurge worthy': Sometimes I'll eat a dessert because it's just there, not because I really like it; the dollop of whip cream on my dessert that my MIL always offers me is not worth the extra calories -- save it for something heavenly.

 

3. keep checking to see if you are full: I don't do this. To stop eating when you are full would surely nix my eating problems. Even if I remember to do this 10% of the time, it's a great start.

I know what I should be doing, but can't seem to do more than bitch or blog about it. I guess if it was that important to me, I'd make it a priority.  Not yet there.

I'll Give You Something to Cry About

My kid's crying and whining annoy me to no end. But I think it's my own poor response that bothers me more than the actual crying. Gentle Discipline Colorosso D is no where to be found once the crying starts. I am so desperate for it to stop, that I forget to be empathetic and comforting. Instead I accuse them of being overly sensitive and shout at them to ´quit their crying´ followed by numerous other threats and pleas.

So, I know it's wrong. How can I learn to deal with the waterworks better? Get to the root cause of the problem -- ask questions and gently guide them to see that what they are crying about is really no big deal. The most important part is that they need to reach their own conclusion -- telling them that they are crying over nothing obviously doesn't work -- it invalidates their feelings. And nobody wants their feelings invalidated, no matter how idiotic they may seem. It tells children that they should hide how they feel and pretend to be happy to please mommy. Ugh! K, back to the solution. EMPATHY once again -- listen, pause, let them tell you what's wrong. Wait for them to calm down, hold them, give their feelings a name, hugs, got it.

Just thinking about my own childhood should be enough motivation to make me want to get this right. "up, up, up" -- what my old man would say to us between our sobs while waving the back of his hand in our faces to get us to stop crying. Anything I do will be an improvement from this! Alright, I'm ready -- bring on the tears my babies, Mommy's here for you.