Mother's Day

It's been a day from heaven. Wow. Where do I start? A dozen long stem roses. Gak, when I saw the long box, I nearly choked because even though I love flowers, I cannot fully appreciate their beauty when they cost as much as a pair of shoes. Thankfully my partner bought them through the Kiwanis Club so they were cheap, charitable and beautiful. WIN! Breakfast in bed was delectable -- yummy eggs, fruit salad, buttery raspberry scone and hot coffee, delivered by three of the proudest and cutest little munchkins ever. And then a showering of homemade cards, poems, crafts while still cuddled up in bed with all three cherubs. I wish every morning could be so great. The rest of the day was spent outside at the Tulip Festival and back home lounging around, picking at chores every now and then. It's been one of the best Mother's Days ever.

Things are going to tough tomorrow as I settle back into my old job. Today will be my happy place. I don't want anything to ruin my mood. I am so lucky to be the mother for three unique and wonderful children and to have a partner so involved and considerate. Sigh, I wish today would never end.

Why Men Love Bitches (Part II)

More from this saucy relationship book. It's all the old school advice my mom gave me but for the modern woman. A lot of it no longer applies as I am well into my married years, but I'm learning a few things.

Here's a good example of giving too much -- quitting your activities. When you give up your interests to spend more time with your partner you are creating a void that you will eventually expect your partner to fill. My 'ah ha' moment. We also become less interesting. Most importantly, we send the message that we value ourselves less and will eventually be treated as such. And yet, it seems so natural to devote time to your relationship in those early days when you are high on new love. Years of marriage later and I have thankfully added back some of what I gave up. I've been feeling guilty for all my time away from the family but really it's probably done my relationship a world of good.

Nagging. Let me be honest with myself. Do I nag a lot? I nag the kids. I repeatedly tell them what to do. It's acceptable because I am a mother. Does my nagging extend to my partner? I'm going to ask him right now. Hold the phone. Phew, I am not a nag. I am demanding, but I do not nag. I just ask too much. Yikes, not what I want either, but I'll take it.

I want to be his lover, not his mother. It's not easy to be attractive to a nag. A nag is not really respected -- she's ignored. Hmmmm. I'm feeling ignored lately. So what is the alternative to nagging? Ask for something once and only once. If he doesn't do it then do it yourself. This is exactly what I do mainly because I personally cannot bear to hear myself nag. Problem is, I end up doing more than my fair share, he becomes accustomed to it, takes it for granted, I feel unappreciated and unloved! So much for not nagging. This book suggests pulling away slightly. Not so easy when you are married. Does that mean withholding sex? I've tried that too and have just ended up climbing the walls. Plus I don't think it's right to use sex as a weapon ... all the time. :-) The other anti-nag strategy is to ask someone else for help. You can't hang the pictures for me? Well maybe your Dad could help me do it. I know this works, but again I don't like these kind of threats. It's just not respectful. Best anti-nag strategy is to ask once and wait. We've been together long enough for him to know when he's needed. Silence can be deadly. "Would you hang those pictures for me please?" pause. Some excuse. Repeat only once using the exact same words -- "So, would you hang those pictures for me please?" As long as you stay sweet and stick to the request it works.

Will be interesting to see if I'll remember to put these tips to practice.  It sounds awfully manipulative, but if toned down it might improve our relationship?

Men Who Love Bitches

This is a book that would have really helped me out during my single years but I can also see it's applicability in married life and even with some of my other relationship too. Rather than summarize everything, I'll focus on the points that resonated most with me.

Men (and women) love the chase - we all want what we cannot have. So what does that mean, stay single forever? No, it means don't give all of yourself too soon. Let the desire mount. Don't be so available all of the time either. Show that you have a life outside of your relationship. When you do have free time, your partner will jump all over it. He'll see that you are not needy, he'll want you to want him and he'll chase even more. My first instinct was Bleh! These are games. Why pretend that I do not want to spend time with him. I want connection, raw emotion, closeness. I want to feel deeply and bury my soul, to be completely vulnerable and head over heels in love. Whoa! This book says love is beautful -- just don't go there too soon or without getting what you need in return. Herein lies the problem. I oscillate between doormat and bitch all day. I'm an independent woman who has no qualms stating her needs and expectations. I can be as sweet as pie and I know how to keep his interest. I do a pretty good job of giving him space and resist mothering/nagging. But then there's Needy D that desperately wants his attention and adoration -- and will do anything just to please him. This is where this book is helping me the most right now. More on anti-doormat strategies next post.

I Can't Go Back There

More about how freakin' phenomenal work has been this past month. Give people autonomy, show sincere appreciation for their efforts and trust them to get the job done. That's it baby -- that's it. This simple formula would not have moved me this much were it not for the fact that I've been micro-managed for four long years. Imagine never being allowed to make a decision or work with your colleagues. Think of what if feels like to write a million drafts that go no where. For someone so action-oriented I especially could not tolerate the indecision and perfectionism. Everything was a priority and nothing ever got done because it was not perfect enough. Ugh. When you are trained to seek approval on every insignificant detail, you forget what if feels like to think for yourself. You start to question your own abilities and become paralyzed with fear of making a mistake. All it took was autonomy, trust and gratitude for us to soar. I am not going back there EVER.

Words Can Never Hurt Me

Sometimes my strength surprises me. I used to be so sensitive to other people's criticisms or unkind words. The sting would stay with me days later and I'd stay wounded. But it doesn't seem to affect me as much anymore. I don't think it's because I'm cynical and thick-skinned, nor do I have such a strong sense of self that negativity just bounces off my shining suit of armour. I just don't care. I'm better able to separate the words from the intent. I can objectively look at the other person and think "I will not let your words poison my mood or my esteem". "What you are saying is hurtful and I don't know why you feel compelled to say it, but it just makes you look bad." If it's one of those relationships that I just can't escape, then I just apply some much needed distance -- emotionally and physically. I thank grace for giving me a sign that this person is not perfect, I think of how hurtful my own words can be and then I just let it go.

WTF Canada?

I had a sinking feeling that today would be depressing, but I had no idea just how disastrous the election results would be. Voters basically signed us up for another four years of contempt, misappropriation, lies, cover-up, influence-peddling, coercion, bullying, over-spending, ... I'm so drunk right now I can't even think of more adjectives.

How could this be true? What were voters thinking? I'm afraid of the future. Gawd, I'm afraid of losing my fucking job FFS! I can't even find that silver lining. Balanced budget, moving more to the centre, being more accountable ... yeah right. What can I do about this now other than sulk and drink some more? Nothing. It's over. I'm so disengaged that I don't ever want to hear about politics until 2015. Maybe that's why voters did this -- now I get it, they were already fed up and did not want to hear about another election for four more years. Life sucks.

You're all about the technology

What is it about committed relationships that compels us to label oneanother? This is what my partner said to me the other night when I tried to strike up a conversation about how social media has and will change the electoral process for the better. Rather than chiming in with his own observation, he immediately dismissed my viewpoint and accused me of "always" wanting to marvel at technology. Well he's right -- it's one of my interests. I am witnessing one of the most profound changes to human interaction, knowledge acquisition, self expression, activism, hell even sexuality ...ALL BECAUSE OF TECHNOLOGY. There is so much to discuss here, how can you not be even the slightest bit intrigued? But it's not that my partner doesn't share my passion that irks me, it's that he mocked me in the same way parents chide their kids -- "that's so typically Ian, the conspiracy theorist". Errrr, it gets my goad. We don't do this with any of our friends.  It's condescending and I hate it. Marriage is basically a license to treat each other like shit. Again, I'm a hypocrite for accusing my partner for labeling me -- I call him cheap, an engineering nerd, an environmental nut-case, and yes even a conspiracy theorist junkie. Once again, grace is giving me the golden rule sign. Having my ideas so glibly dismissed pissed me off enough to see that this too must change. So many great opportunities for little improvements. Everyday.