Losing my religion

My not-so-silent Sunday protest is doing more harm than good unfortunately. The kids see their mother balking the church -- outright ignoring the rituals and even falling asleep (I couldn't help it yesterday). My blatant disrespect is worse than not attending which is ironic because the only reason I go these days is to lead by example. Special thanks to a good friend of mine for helping me realize this today. I've got to make peace with religion -- figure out where I stand and be consistent with my practice or non-practice. Right now I'm really torn between going out of obligation to my partner and his family and bailing. Problem with the latter is that I'm left practicing zero spirituality -- at least as a weekly ritual. Maybe that's the problem. A good friend of mine suggested finding another practice to demonstrate family values -- a round table of gratitude, or brain-storming and doing good deeds together or even saying grace at dinner. I like these ideas, only I know we won't stick to them. Why make this into some kind of public display anyway? Shouldn't my daily behaviour be the best way to demonstrate altruism, patience, empathy, self-discipline? K, stop laughing (crazy lady here talking to my 2 readers out there). I'm done with organized religion. I don't believe in it and I'm not sure what I do believe.

Outdoor Summer Concerts

I'm a late-bloomer when it comes to concerts. Always thought live music was poorly sung, over-priced and crowded. That was until I discovered outdoor summer concerts. Just typing those three words puts a smile on my face. First the weather -- warm with a hint of cool breeze, dark skies, stars, moon ... heaven. Then there's the buzz in the air. Young and old -- people are out to have a good time and their mood is contagious. I love every part of it, even standing in line for a beer with anticipation, debating whether I should double fist it or be lady-like and drink one at a time. Then the show -- the music and effects when done well are mesmerizing. I enjoy watching the band playing with passion and really getting into their act. I enjoy watching the audience bop to the music and sing-along to their fav song. The smell of cigarettes and dope also adds to the ambiance. And luckily for me I get to round out my concert evening by biking home in the dark. FUN! I'm sitting here tonight listening to some 'Deathcab for Cutie' wishing that I had seen them at Bluesfest as well. Sadly, my outdoor summer concert experience is over for another year. It's a definite summer highlight for me that I will always look forward to. Bliss.

Laws of the universe

Even though none of what my intuitive told me five months ago has come true, her advice to 'look for the signs' has really stuck. When I hear of something more than once, I start to pay attention -- this can only be a sign. So tonight when I flicked on the TV, a therapist was telling a patient about the law of attraction. You get what you give. All you need to do is ask. This is the second time this week that I am reminded of this simple and powerful law. So what does it mean to me right now. K -- I feel stuck in my relationships and career. I'm wasting way too much time 'suffering' instead of just being happy. Be happy D. FFS, this constant state of brooding, the continuous complaining about everyone else, it's just got to stop. I can't stand to hear myself go off anymore. I have to take control of my life and force myself to either a) accept (and I mean truly accept) or b) make changes. The universe is giving me more of the same. By focusing on my unhappiness, I am finding more things to be unhappy about. Positive thinking, where are you? What I'd really like to do is forget about putting my happiness at the feet of my boss, or my partner. I'd like to tell them both to fuck off. K, not quite. But I'd like it if I was in my own world and not bothered by what they are doing or not doing. Being happy about myself -- proud of my actions and choices. This is what will bring me happiness.

Lady killer

My 2 year old is going to be an amazing lover when he's grown. I can tell by how affectionate he is. First the touching -- he loves to touch women especially their legs and arms. It surprises people at first, but then it becomes rather addictive, his gentle caresses. The female daycare providers even comment on how much they love his touching! Next are the hugs. Those little arms wrapped around my neck fill me with joy. And then the kissing -- my boy loves to kiss people -- full on, straight and centre. He is one Casanova.

Doing what you love

I'm always blown away by people who really know their trade -- who know it, love it and love talking about it. Like tonight, I attended a wine tasting fund-raiser for our community association. Local wine writer Peter Ward was the star of the show. The way he spoke so fondly of his career and love of wines was infectuous. Hearing all his wonderful stories of the wineries he's been to, ineteresting people he's met and wines he's savoured was more enjoyable then the wines themselves. How sweet it was too to see him banter with his lovely wife -- they were such a cute couple, obviously still in love and so happy! Wow. I can only hope that someday I'll feel the same way about my own career and that I'll have a shared history with someone I still love and who still loves me.

Happy Anniversary

"I can't believe we've been married 8 years already (12 since we first met!) - I am the luckiest guy in the world to be married to you. Thank you for everything you do and being who you are. Love."

When I read this on FB today I nearly puked. And then I felt green with envy. While I am happy that my friend is happily married (I know for certain that he is), I know that this kind of public display of devotion will never happen to me. I don't even get it in private. But let's be real, my partner's not feelin' it either so if he ever posted such words, I'd accuse him of an ulterior motive. At least we are honest with our disappointment. I deserve someone to be over the moon about me and be proud to be my partner. This is what I want.

Be back in an hour

Lies. We purposefully underestimate how long something will take to make it seem more saleable. When I tell my partner that I'm running an errand at the mall and will be back in half an hour I know that I am outright lying because it will take me that long in travel time alone. But I lie regardless. When he did this to me this week, I completely lost it. Not only was I caught off-guard with his sudden departure when I was expecting his help with the kids, I felt completely disrespected -- that it was somehow acceptable to ignore my needs and devalue my time. Yes, I blew this WAY out of proportion. But the silver lining here was that it made me realize that I DO THE EXACT SAME THING. I think that my white lie eases the pain of my absence when in fact it only makes things worse because it sets expectations that will not be kept. Another opportunity to improve D. Thank you universe!