Making Nice

This is still a new way of life for me, being considerate of other people's feelings, resisting the urge to criticize, putting peace ahead of the need to be right. I can see it working in some of my relationships. Friends and colleagues seem more at ease with me and I like the feeling of being in people's good books. But then there's the real D on the inside who wants to tear a strip off her partner and hurt his feelings to feel good. I worry that my niceness is just a cover-up and that the real me will explode with words that cannot be taken back.

Some would argue that it's just plain old honesty and that we should be strong enough to take the bad with the good. I'm not so sure. Criticism builds resentment which erodes relationships. Sure, in the heat of the moment, you give your partner room to 'let you have it' and you don't take it personally when they are frustrated. But some of it sticks and continues to hurt and also builds up over time.

Even though there's bile bubbling up inside me, the small victories give me hope that this could stick. Take today, we drove all the way out to Michael's to use a coupon on two frames. I bought the first one and returned to the car so that my partner could by the 2nd one (limit one per customer? pshaw! yes, I am THAT cheap - I am my Dad). Typically, he bought the wrong one (even after I showed him which one to buy) and I didn't realize this until we were home. I did make a big stink about it, so I can't say that I'm converted (my sister would've quietly returned it without a word). But what I didn't do was get personal (e.g. why does this always happen, I can't count on you, you are such a fuck up, etc.). K, that last one even I wouldn't say. When I pointed out the error, he laughed, acted all silly, made the kids laugh and I had a good chuckle too. Much better!

Your passion will pull you into what you are good at

I'm torn between exposing my kids to a variety of interests to help them find something they will enjoy and be good at and just letting them continue with sports that they suck at, but still enjoy. The opening of this article is a good example of a mother who continued to let her child follow her dream, knowing well enough that her passion would pull her into what she was really good at.
I've got to check my competitiveness at the door here. You can still enjoydoing something, even if you're not as strong as your teammates. My son reminded me of that today -- defensive players don't score, so why do I keep asking him how many goals he's scored? I am the one that sucks!
This is my own childhood neurosis rearing its ugly head. My parents wouldn't let me quit figure skating because they valued hard work and commitment. I on the other hand, want my kids out at the first sign of difficulty. You find ballet too challenging? Let's find you something else you'll be good at. Maybe I should be encouraging them to stick it out ... how else do you learn the value of hard work? I've got to let my kids lead on this. There are plenty of things we can learn without having to take lessons. Have faith that they will discover their talents D.

Under the bus

I've got to stop the habbit of throwing my partner under the bus when telling a story. It's like I feel as if everyone is waiting for me to give them some dirt, so I spice up my story by dissing my partner in exchange for a few laughs. This is especially true with my other mommy friends -- we really cut up our partners. And then I feel awful afterwards because he doesn't desserve it and because he would never do that to me and because I know that I embellished for effect. Ugh. Golden Rule D. I'm going to work on this.

Bickering

I really hate it when couples bicker in public. For example, he's telling a story, she interrupts because he's got some insignificant detail wrong -- "it wasn't Tuesday, it was Wednesday". He disagrees, she belabours the point. The listeners are sitting there feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed. More wine anyone? I think I hear my daughter calling me from the bathroom to wipe her bum. I joke, but this kind of bickering is just another way that resentment builds in a relationship. It's as if we need to put our partners in their place by correcting them. Being stopped short in the midst of a story really takes the wind out of your sails too. When I'm listening to someone else, I expect that they will embellish a little to keep my interest. When the spouse interrupts, I'm as put off as the story-teller.

I think that I'm particularly sensitive because I used to do it all the time myself. But once I realized it and pointed it out to my partner, we now both made a conscience decision to resist correcting one another in public. Now, if we could do this in private too, life would be a lot more peaceful. I guess that's what I really want, more than affection even -- PEACE in my relationships. My folks fought all the time and I know that I'm a fighter too. Not anymore. I'm really glad that with this habit at least, I'm at the point that I can see it in others and be grateful that it's behind me.

Keeping it under wraps

I'm way too expressive with my emotions and I can see how it often hurts my career. Like right now, I'm working on an impossible task and I feel completely over-whelmed. My manager wants to see confidence --that he's assigned this to the right person. And all I can do is procrastinate and complain. There's no getting out of this either. It HAS to get done by an internal resource. I am the fucking schmuck! This classification structure and retention schedule (yes, I am still working on it) is so daunting. Here's what I'm up against.

I've never done this before. No one at my company has ever done this before. It hasn't been done since 1962. Many have tried, but no one has succeeded. I'm not even sure it's the right thing to do. We tell our end users that we are at risk for keeping information longer than we need it. We're not compliant, we're spending too much money storing info that has no value, the crap pollutes our search results, takes up valuable office space and needs to be dealt with. Really? Paper needed to be dealt with otherwise you would run out of physical space. But why not just buy more storage? Figure out what needs to be kept in 'active' storage, give users a way to mark "the thing" and move the rest to some other area where it can still be accessed, but it won't cloud your view of the world. The 'thing' is basically the FINAL document -- the one that provides the best evidence of what you've done. It's not even the stuff I write. It's the document that gets approved by someone important. The rest is 2nd rate and should be deleted whenever, or not!

K, I digress. My trepidation: nothing I come up with will ever be complete. How can I account for every single shit scrap of information that is produced? I'd need to consult with everyone and no one will agree because it's too late -- everyone describes information differently. There is no perfect classification scheme in the sky.

I've got to figure out a way out of this somehow. Who likes working on loser projects? I need a winner. Maybe I just wrap it up and say look -- I did this much on my own using research. It's a starting point. You want to make it better, then give me a team and we'll take it on the road. Give me a technology we can put it into and then we can be done with it. I've got to stop feeling like it's all my responsibility. Perfectionism is stifling me.

K, I know what I have to do.

Pooka

My cat died yesterday and I'm not as upset as I should be. She's lived with my parents for the past 11 years, so I'm not feeling the sense of loss as deeply as they are and this makes me feel heartless.

I will miss her though. She was a real class act as far as cats go. Look at her here, even as a kitten, sitting pretty. We were single girl and cat. And I'll never forget how she comforted me during those lonely years. She also really helped my folks deal with their empty nest and gave my Mom the unconditional love and affection that had been missing in her life for years. Mom especially is not taking this well. I'm touched that my Dad is sad too. You don't realize how integral someone is to your life until they are gone. They'd give anything to have her back. This really sucks. RIP my sweet little Pooka.

I like that she is tall

My son asked me to name something about my partner that I liked, so I rhymed off a dozen or so things that immediately came to mind. He seemed to be having fun asking me to keep naming things and I was touched by this sweet family moment -- that is until he asked my partner the same question. Not one for expressing feelings, my partner stumbled awkwardly in front of us, wracking his brain for anything. "I like that she is tall" was all he could come up with, followed by "I like that she got rid of her cat when I moved in." And finally "I like that she won't be mad at me later because I can't think of anything." Sorry. I got mad. I got hurt. I got mad some more. His pathetic lame ass attempt was inexcusable. But then, after I tore a strip off of him and looked at his sad face, I remember that it truly is a handi-cap. He cannot express love. He doesn't know how. I knew it before we got married and I chose to live without it. I chose this. I can't forget that. I also have to remember that it's a small sacrifice considering everything else that we have going -- three little souls that fill my heart with love everyday. I like that she is tall -- it actually makes me laugh it's so pathetic. Thank goodness all men are not this clueless, although I think my dear partner is not alone here. I'll love myself more and keep giving what I want until the law of attraction kicks in. Who knows what could happen. xx