Progress

It really burns me to see people pushing their beliefs and lifestyle on others especially when what they are selling is a load of horse shit. I feel it's particularly irresponsible to convince those in under-developed countries that our way of life is the ideal. Just look at how well we've exported our plastic garbage, manufactured entertainment, and selfish profit motive overseas. In doing so, we've messed with their perception of happiness and created in them a burning desire for materialism and consumerism. And they have no idea of all the dysfunction that emanates. This is not to say that we should not be grateful for the rights, freedoms and opportunities we have. We are fortunate in so many ways. But there's also a dark side to wealth. And we hide it so well -- the waste, the debt, the exploitation, the meds, the destruction.

When I hear others singing the praises of 'progress', I want so badly to cast a spotlight on the other side. A balanced viewpoint would curb people's enthusiasm for our destructive lifestyle. Perhaps it's just human nature to want what you don't have. I just feel like they are impressionable and that we are corrupting their spirit. Instead, we are the ones that need to take a page out of their lifestyle and learn from their simplicity, connection to nature and altruism.

This isn't a particularly uplifting post tonight, but I needed to get this out of my head before I go ape shit on my French prof again. Progress is not building a 900km highway in Africa, it's feeding and educating the planet.

Stay-at-home parenting

What would our lives be like if I took a leave of absence from work and stayed at home with the kids? Visions of breaking up fights, wracking my brain for ideas to entertain them and being driven mad with their whining and fussing immediately come to mind. But then there's the connection that only comes from spending time together. I would get to experience every milestone with them. I'd be there after a rough day at school. I wouldn't feel like I am shirking my parenting responsibilities on daycare. I'd have time to take care of everyone, including myself. It seems simple enough. My youngest is still young enough to make it worth while. DO IT!
But then there's the part of me that identifies with my job. I am more than someone's mother. I have my own thing going on. Work is also my escape. I like the money too, even if half goes to daycare. And yet I know that I will have regrets about not doing this. The kids need me now, not when we finally pay off our debt. What to do? Nothing. Not brave enough.

Obligation

I keep going back and forth on the virtues of relationships. Monogomy keeps us grounded and helps us grow as we overcome adversity together. But it also makes us painfully unhappy. My married friends complain that they hate feeling obligated to make their partners happy, to have to do things for them, to get shit for forgetting about their anniversary, and to always worry about how their actions will affect their partner's feelings. They're tired of living "the dream".

This is precisely why I dislike asking my partner to do anything for me. If he doesn't want to do it of his own free will, than I am nothing more than a ball and chain. I don't ever want to be any body's fucking ball and chain. I hear this on a regular basis from my partner -- you're the one that wanted kids, not me. Fuck you! What a cop out. I feel like I'm the one that pressured him into this marriage and am holding a gun to his head to stay. GO! PLEASE, JUST LEAVE. Be free. Stop making me feel like a prison warden.

The thing about unconditional love is that you want to do your best by the other person. It makes you happy to do things for them. You have a genuine concern for their feelings. It hurts to see them hurt. You remember your anniversary because it was one of the happiest days of your life. This is the real thing. Or is it just a woman talking from her own female perspective?

Relationships, who needs 'em! Grrr

The MIM

I never thought I'd say this about academics, but I'm thinking of doing my Masters (in information management). So many thoughts running through my head -- first up, why do I want this? What will it really give me that I don't already have? It will give me credentials and the confidence to do not only my job, but practically any job in my field. That is, if the program is as good as others claim. An MBA seemed like a natural progression from my B.Comm, but I just couldn't see myself doing more boring case studies and spewing mgmt theory bullshit. Plus it's a saturated market and everyone knows how annoying know-it-all MBAs are. The MIM is a new program at Dalhousie -- it's the right combination of librarianship, IT, records management and business analysis. I think it will fill in my knowledge gaps nicely and give me the edge I need to stay on top of my game.

So what's holding me back? The commitment: part time studies will put a strain on my family. My partner will resent having to do more, the kids will see their mother less, I'll have to give up socializing, exercise and downtime spent reading, surfing and watching TV. Our lives will suck for three years. Is the pay off really worth it?

Assuming my partner agrees to let me do this (big IF), how can I minimize the pain? Some ideas: look for small windows of study time (e.g. in the early morning, at work during lunch, while I'm waiting for the kids at their activities). Take a pay cut to work fewer hours. Make more efficient use of my time doing chores. Get a maid. Buy prepared meals or order take out once in a while. Ask my parents or in laws for help with the kids -- taking them to their activities, picking them up after school, etc. Make it up to my partner (he already gets enough sex, but I could try a bit harder to please him, oh brother).

I feel like my mind is already made up and that I will do this. I'm not worried about failing because I'm a good student and I have a pretty sound knowledge base in IM. K, sign me up. Halifax here I come!

Intoxicating New Love

Listed to the most fascinating interview with Sarah Polly on Q last night. She had a lot to say about relationships in regards to her latest film which I can't wait to see. What really stuck in my head was her take on why new love is so intoxicating. She said that a new relationship gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself. You see yourself through your lovers eyes. And since they don't really know you yet, they only see the good. You get to wash away all the bad -- the things you don't like about yourself. You get to revel in their love of you, the very best you. The disappointment that we experience once the lustre wears off is the bad that inevitably returns and we are once again forced to live with our old selves. This really struck a chord. I've heard people say that they love how their lover makes them feel about themselves. And although it rings true, I don't like to admit that because it seems awfully selfish. What about the person you supposedly love -- isn't it their wonderful qualities that you cherish?

I think we are attracted to people who have qualities we'd like to see developed in ourselves. We emulate them and are grateful that they bring out our best. When I think back to our early days, I remember being impressed with how laid back my partner was. Nothing upset him. I wanted to have that too and his serenity was contagious. I also loved that he appreciated what I thought were my worst character flaws. As selfish as it sounds, I fell in love the day he told me that he loved how out-spoken I was. Of course, I am now the more laid back between the two of us and he's done an about face.

Back to Sarah's sentiment. She said that people who crave new love are usually insecure. This too I have heard before. I thought that it had to do with the need for attention. But it makes more sense to me when I think about it in terms of new love giving you the opportunity to ignore your imperfections, albeit temporarily. Hey, if we just loved ourselves more, faults and all then maybe we'd be satisfied in our long term relationships.

I can't say enough good things about your partner

Come again? Twice in one week someone has told me about how great a soccer coach my partner is. His passion for the game is genuine and he's amazing with kids so it shouldn't be a surprise to hear other people singing his praises. But they're not just talking about his coaching, they think he's an AMAZING GUY. WTF?
I'm grateful for the perspective -- appreciate what you have D and what you have is pretty darn good. But then I'm also resentful that I get the shitty end of the stick. I often quietly watch my partner in public -- he's so engaging with others and his smile and laughter is so infectious. I want to be with THAT guy! -- not the miserable, cold and demanding jack ass that is my partner. The same is true for me. I am sweet as pie with others, even more so since my niceness manifesto. And I am a complete bitch at home -- miserable, cold and demanding. *Sigh*. Is this what marriage has done? We used to bring out each other's best. Our private time together was bliss. Now we are one in the same -- UNHAPPY. I'm clearly getting what I'm giving. But I'm too tapped out and stubborn to try and turn this around.
For now, I'll take this as a sign from the universe to cut him some slack, let go of resentment and just open my eyes to see the good person in front of me. Thank you universe.

Making Nice

This is still a new way of life for me, being considerate of other people's feelings, resisting the urge to criticize, putting peace ahead of the need to be right. I can see it working in some of my relationships. Friends and colleagues seem more at ease with me and I like the feeling of being in people's good books. But then there's the real D on the inside who wants to tear a strip off her partner and hurt his feelings to feel good. I worry that my niceness is just a cover-up and that the real me will explode with words that cannot be taken back.

Some would argue that it's just plain old honesty and that we should be strong enough to take the bad with the good. I'm not so sure. Criticism builds resentment which erodes relationships. Sure, in the heat of the moment, you give your partner room to 'let you have it' and you don't take it personally when they are frustrated. But some of it sticks and continues to hurt and also builds up over time.

Even though there's bile bubbling up inside me, the small victories give me hope that this could stick. Take today, we drove all the way out to Michael's to use a coupon on two frames. I bought the first one and returned to the car so that my partner could by the 2nd one (limit one per customer? pshaw! yes, I am THAT cheap - I am my Dad). Typically, he bought the wrong one (even after I showed him which one to buy) and I didn't realize this until we were home. I did make a big stink about it, so I can't say that I'm converted (my sister would've quietly returned it without a word). But what I didn't do was get personal (e.g. why does this always happen, I can't count on you, you are such a fuck up, etc.). K, that last one even I wouldn't say. When I pointed out the error, he laughed, acted all silly, made the kids laugh and I had a good chuckle too. Much better!