Love in the time of cholera

Finally finished this book and even though I didn't really enjoy reading it, it touched on some of the things I spend endless hours wondering and worrying about.

Sole mates -- is there such a thing?
Here we have a young man who falls desperately in love with a girl he hardly knows.  She marries someone else and he spends the rest of his life obsessed with her, waiting for the day he can pledge his undying love to her.  Here's the thing -- at 20 yrs old, how do you really know what love is?  How can you love someone you don't have a relationship with?  How can you love someone that doesn't love you back?  Maybe his love came from her rejection of him.  He loved her because he couldn't have her.  Or maybe he was in love with the idea of a perfect relationship. What if she had in fact loved him back?  Would their love had lasted?  Or would he have eventually become another disappointment, just like her husband.

The insufferable penance of married life
One of my fav quotes in the book: "The problem in public life is learning to overcome terror; the problem in married life is learning to overcome boredom."  The female protagonists is trapped in a passionless marriage, spends her life in a state of sadness and guilt -- for being unfulfilled and for not being more grateful for the husband who tries desperately to win her affections and make her happy. He gracefully accepts her disappointment in him and even says at one point "Always remember that the most important thing in a good marriage is not happiness, but stability".  The book is obviously popular because married ppl can relate.  This is the problem I continue to have with marriage.  The institution turns good relationships bad.  I see it all around me -- the bitterness and contempt my friends have for their spouses.  Where is the love?  You are clearly miserable.  You no longer bring out the best in each other -- you are practically enemies.  I see it this way.  We choose our partners too young -- we don't even know who we are, let alone who is right for us.  And then we spend the rest of our lives chained to this person, trying to make it work because we're not quitters and we have to do what's right by putting our offspring's needs ahead of our own. 'Making it work' builds character.  We resolve ourselves to a boring and miserable married life because "that's just what marriage is".  You are considered disillusioned to expect that your spouse should make your stomach flip flop after 20 yrs of marriage.  Or are you?  Maybe you've just married the wrong person.  And if you meet people with whom you are more compatible later in life it doesn't matter because you've made your choice and you have to live with the consequences and you have to call that commitment 'love'.

Unhealthy obsessive love
The male protagonist was sick with love.  Here's another quote:  "self-absorbed love was revealed to him for what it was: a pitfall of happiness that he despised and desired at the same time, but from which it was impossible to escape."  Self-absorbed is a good way to describe this behaviour.  It's the ego, completely out of control -- obsessed with wanting something to make itself whole.  You can't be at peace when you covet anything.  I felt sorry for the protagonist.  He wasted his life wanting. 

Anyways, it was good to read about emotion -- passion, turmoil, content.  Lots to think about and that's always something I enjoy doing.

Change Management

I just had the most engaging discussion about change management at a fantastic cocktail party.  It was a riveting discussions that really inspired me --  I didn't want it to end.  Good thing he was not my type otherwise I'd have been a gonner.  Now I'm scrambling to write down everything this change champion told me about how change management works  ... here goes:

Change management requires visible leadership.  It's about communicating your vision, describing for people how life will be after the change and what the impact will be.  I know this to be true, because I'm a very visual person -- when I can see myself in the future, operating under the new way of doing business, and I can see myself happier and more efficient, I have bought into the change completely.

Change leaders knock down barriers to change.  They know why people are resistant and they're not afraid to address each barrier head on.  They challenge and cajole ... but in a way that's respectful and careful.  They are masters of persuasion.  I love people like this.

Change leaders lead by example.  They walk the talk.  They adjust their own behaviour first before expecting everyone else to change.  The DM of LAC does not allow paper in his office -- he is living the paperless office he wants his organization to adopt.  He's adamant about this. Brilliant.

Ahhh -- I never knew how much I loved changed management until I started talking to an expert.  This is an interesting field that covers psychology and business acumen.  I think I've found something new to be passionate about ... that is until the wine wears off!

Shift your perceptions

I visited an intuitive today -- first time seeing this one, but not the first reading I've have.  My need to know and to control is what drives me to visit fortune tellers and yet every time I go,  I'm disappointed. But since I dropped $110, I should at least try to look for some worthwhile lesson.

As far as psychics go she was mediocre -- asked a lot of questions instead of telling me what she saw.  She was even dead wrong on a few counts, such as me being single.  But of course even married people can give off a single aura because of their independence.  Of course!  There was also a lot of general advice for someone of my demographic -- you don't feel appreciated, you give so much of yourself to your children, you are disappointed that married life has not lived up to your fantasy, you are angry for not having more time to yourself, blah, blah, blah.  But then there were some points that really resonated.  Even if it was just a lucky guess on her point, it was good to hear an objective point of view.

She interpreted the images she saw of me as being very sad, trapped and protective.  She said that I had checked out of my relationship a long time ago, but that it's been a gradual process since after the kids were born.  It's not clear why I unplugged, but I need to examine why I did that and figure out ways to plug back in. She said that I need to shift my perceptions.  This threw me for a loop because its something I've heard a very good friend of mine talk about.  I should focus on what's good and specifically what D does that's good. Gratitude will help me open my heart.  She told me that I crave intimacy and that I feel alive when I'm with someone that I connect with.  This is a good thing because it shows me what's possible.  Now I have to figure out a way to bring that aliveness into my marriage.  What am I seeking?  What do other relationships give me that I can't seem to have at home?  Why am I closing my heart to D's love?  She also advised me to enrich my soul myself.  Stop making my partner responsible for my fulfillment.  I should nurture things that I love about myself and spend time doing what I really enjoy (more booze anyone?).  She called me a hopeless romantic.  I can be my own romantic -- buy myself flowers, do what makes me feel alive.  This made a lot of sense to me.  Of course it could be said for most mothers.  She also told me to develop my own spiritual practice and that I should study kabalah. Wrt plugging back into my marriage, she suggested we spend more time together -- not just dates, but having conversations that don't involve the kids or money.  Just being in each other's company builds intimacy.  I also need more playfulness and laughter.   D tickled me to death tonight and it was a lot of FUN.  I agree that we need to play more.

So there's plenty of good advice here .. perhaps not $110 worth, but I'm going to start paying closer attention to what I am bringing, and in the case of my marriage, not bringing.

The final testament

Just finished another great book by James Frey.  Yes, he's controversial and his talent is a bit over-blown, but this is a profound book.  At least it was for me.  I'm feeling really down lately and although Frey told the stories of the saddest, poorest and most hopeless of urban America, the message of love made me want to cry for joy.  I realize that it's cliché to say that love is the answer.  I keep forgetting that it's not just a precusor to marriage.  You have to feel it everyday if you really want happiness.  Loving yourself, loving others, loving life.  In Frey's book the Messiah is reborn and spends his time in NYC transforming people's lives with love -- a warm hug, a sincere conversation, a gentle kiss, and always an "I love you".  God is love was the message.  Love each other.  Nothing is more powerful than the love of another human being.  So spend your life loving and giving as much as you can.  This is God.  I think I'm going to cry again.  Too often we think we have love, but then it quickly dies and we're left chasing things that don't make us happy or feel good instead of just making love.  I realize this is sounding like a Hippie Manifesto.  But think about how great it feels to be loved and to love.  And yet those moments are few and far between.  When you have love in your heart, you have compassion for others, differences melt away, you accept people as they are and life is bliss.

I have to return this book to the library, but wanted to note some of the other great messages:
Life is about living simply, helping others and feeling everything you can feel.  It's not about the accumulation of wealth and possessions.  It's about the accumulation of friends. The more you have, the more you want.  The more complicated your life is, the more miserable you are.  The more you work, the less you live.
God is infinity.  Most of us can't understand how big infinity is.
Focusing on life after death causes you to forsake life. 
Religion is man's greatest con.  If I claim to have a direct relationship with and a unique understanding of God and I claim that he created everything and knows everything and controls your fate including your destiny after death, I can use that power to make you live as I want you to live, including being a slave.
Religions and governments are instruments of greed and power.  They exist to exploit and control humanity and the earth's resources.

These ideas are not new, but it was refreshing to read.  I feel at my best when my love tank is full.  It's so much easier to deal with D and the kids. I can see more clearly.  The glass is half full.  I love that feeling.  And I know it can last.  My friend Tara talks about acting out of love.  She's very aware of where her actions come from and tries hard to make sure they come from a place of love.  This makes a lot of sense to me. I'm going to think about and try to feel love everyday, even if I don't get it back.  I know if feels equally good to be kind and loving to someone else.

Living Free

I experienced a completely surreal moment when my Mom and I were at a cottage this weekend.  We were busy getting dinner ready, cracking jokes, reminiscing about the past, just enjoying the buzz of a great summer day when she suddenly commented on how nice it was to stay in a small simple house.  I'd been feeling the same way, but hadn't realized it until that moment.  It was completely liberating to be free from my things -- my precious things I've built a whole house around.  At the cottage the cupboards were bare, the closets empty, the furniture sparse.  It was bliss!  Being there with my folks reminded me of growing up in a similar small house.  It was tiny and I always complained that we could afford to live in a better house.  But really, it was all we really needed.  Because now we are slaves to our stuff.  I hate that I continue to waste my life shopping for, putting away, tidying, looking for and throwing out all my precious stuff.  I wish that I didn't NEED things to make me happy.  Maybe it's not too late.

Let the Games Begin!

"I hate the Olympics" is about as popular a sentiment as "I hate Christmas".  I get disappointing looks from friends and family when I express my views. "Must you be so cynical D?  It's the Olympics after all."  Precisely! I resent being made to feel nostalgic for an event that's become a corporate sponsorship orgy masked as a peaceful union of nations all in the name of wholesome sport.  Here are some of the reasons I hate the Olympics:

1) hypocrisy - on so many levels
The Olympics is about making money period. -- corporate sponsors, elite athletes, the IOC.  The whole world is watching, so let's exploit the crap out of this baby.
Childhood obesity is an epidemic in the US and yet McDonald's and Coke are the leading Olympic sponsors.  The irony is unbelievable.
Nationalism is another falsehood. I'm somehow supposed to feel patriotism if an athlete from my country medals. Some of the reasons I am a proud Canadian: public health care, multiculturalism, gun control, the CBC, campaign finance reform, natural resource conservation. Not taking pride in an athlete's performance-enhanced win, in a made up event I know nothing about. Sure I enjoy marvelling at other people's talent and hard work -- it's remarkable what the human body can achieve.  It's just SO overblown.

2) wasteful - thousands of public servants have been laid off in the UK, yet there was still enough money to host the world. Surely $14.5 billion can be better spent -- world hunger comes to mind.  If governments sponsored sports at the grass roots, more children would get to participate, which would improve public health.  Is that not the point of honouring sport?

3) deification of sport - Olympians are not heroes.  Humanity is not better off because of their sacrifice.  Certainly their talent and dedication should be admired, but again, their achievement is completely inflated.  I don't swoon over movie stars, so for me this is no different.  Perhaps what's missing is a balance.  Let's appreciate humanitarians, philantropists, scientists.  I guess it's the deep-seated American-esque desire to idolize that burns me.

4) unfairness - the countries that do the best are those who spend the most money on their athletes -- the best facilities, trainers, programs.  The US and China will bring home the most medals so why pretend that this is a fair competition?

5) drug testing - why bother?  So much time and money is spent on testing and finding new ways to not get caught.  For certain sports, it's a given.  There's no place for moral judgments, so just call it a competitive advantage and let anything go. 

There are so many other reasons to hate the Olympics (e.g. relocation of the homeless, police state, brand bans, etc.).  I'd much rather the IOC be honest about the true force$ behind the Olympics.  Hypocrisy is the one thing that really turns my stomach.  Sad thing about this, is that I LIKE sports, especially participating in them. Being active, feeling your body move, developing skills and confidence, achieving goals, team work ... all made possible through sport.  Too bad the Olympics kills the joy. Here's hoping I can bite my tongue long enough to let my friends and family enjoy the games and just get outside and swim, bike and run.

Riding the wave of depression

Every once in a while I get really down on my life.  Everything seems hopeless and all I want is to escape.  But there is no escape, not without serious life-altering consequences.  And franckly it's not just about me anymore.  Plus, no matter what you think you are escaping from, it's still always with you.  Because really my problems will always be in my head.  It's nobody else's fault but my own. 
Thankfully I know that when I feel like I'm on the brink of fleeing, it's just temporary -- I'm at the lowest low of my emotional wave.  Tomorrow is always brighter.  And indeed as I type this today, I can say that it has passed.  I got my little escape from reality last night and I am grateful for it.  Of course my mood has a profound effect on my loved ones who can't understand why Mommy never smiles or why she's so cold to Papa.  This I have to work at.