Rethinking Anger

 

I do not react well to outbursts of anger.  My heart starts beating fast, I tense up, I am afraid.  So rather than deal with issues, I often try to avoid the angry outburst that I might cause my partner to have.  But as I read ´The Highly Sensitive Person in Love´, it talks about ´moral anger´ which is reflective anger that is expressed when your partner has crossed the line.  For example, if you have a clear boundary (e.g. he must call when he expects to be late and he doesn't call) the anger is justified to underscore the importance of the boundary.  Otherwise you will get walked over.  I find that perspective interesting.  This is different from anger that is meant to hurt (attack, obtain victory, annihilate).
For me, I have to learn that I will give and receive anger at higher levels then I would like.  But that is okay.  I should ask my partner to express his needs and complaints without anger -- or to at least take a time out so that we can calm down.  Another tip is to try and see what´s behind the anger.  Have I crossed a boundary that I shouldn´t have?  Have I stirred a sense of shame somehow?  What does he fear right now?  Why does he need to be angry? None of this is my forte.  Good to know though.

the Highly Sensitive Child

Another great parenting book to help me navigate my way.  This one on parenting the Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) was particularly helpful for learning how to deal with my eldest.  I find we are not as close and I have less patience for what I realize now are behaviours that come from being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  Rather than summarize the book, I made note of a few points that I need to keep in mind.  Luckily, most of the suggested parenting tips are ones I already strive for -- empathy, natural consequences, spending time with your child, respect, love.

Tendencies and Advice:

1. he notices subtleties: I'm both amazed and frustrated with this inate ability.  How wonderful it must be to be atune to and be able to appreciate SO much.  But at the same time it can lead to OCD-type behaviour, such as a need to be obsessively clean, or a fussiness for itchy fabrics.  With three kids in a busy household, I can't accomodate his desire for everything to be 'just so'.  The book suggests:

• awknowledging his discomfort (empathy) and then telling him how and when it will end.  Show respect for his response (something I don't do well), sympathy for his desired need, and my own valid reason to delay (or do nothing) (e.g. we have to use up this brand because we cannot afford to waste it).  He will grow in the ability to understand.  
• put him in charge of solving his own problems (e.g. if he's fussy with his socks then put him in charge of finding his own socks). 
• put limits on what you can be expected to do (e.g. I will tie your shoes for you up to three times, trying to follow your instructions, but after that it will have to suffice because by then I will frustrated too and won't have the time to continue).

2. he becomes easily overstimulated: Advice here is to don't let him go into a test unprepared -- talk about what could go wrong and how to handle it. Help him enjoy activities in a non-competitive environment.

3. he has stronger reactions: Advice to parents is to remain non-defensive; let him fully express his emotions (perhaps even in a private place) and be patient with him.  Admittedly, this is the hardest for me to do because I don't like strong reactions.

4. he will be cautious to proceed with new situations:  See the new situation from his perspective; point out what is familiar or what he has mastered; suggest small steps (e.g. tell him 'you don't have to talk, if you don't want to')

As a non-HSP I am likely to feel impatient because he pauses before acting. Expect that decisions in particular will be slow .... have patience!

Some other advice:

• don't make him your confidant (HSPs are great listeners)
• avoid teasing (he likely hears an undercurrent of hostility or superiority that comes with)
• ask for affection (e.g. ask "would you like a hug?") instead of demanding it; keep affection light and brief
• avoid invoking shame: feeling guilty assumes you did something wrong but that it's something you can make right; shame assumes you are bad and helpless to fix things (typical signs are hangs head, averts eyes, etc.). HSCs feel shame easily (it's self-inflicted), but they use the experience to learn -- they enjoy feeling virtuous and secure that they will never learn that kind of shame again from a similar experience
• practice gentle discipline (no punishment):  an explanation of why the behaviour is wrong should suffice; HSCs are hard enough on themselves, harsh punishment is too much to bear for most

Great advice here.  Not always easy to remember when I am in the moment.

Be good for goodness sake

I was raised to be good so that I wouldn't burn in hell.  If I stepped out of line, I knew there'd be consequences (spanking, grounding, withdraw of privliges) so I toed the line, for the most part.  But now as a parent I'm trying to raise my kids to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

It's not easy because I stay away from typical tricks -- bribes, rewards, threats and punishments because they don't teach kids self discipline. These methods teach kids to conform for fear of reprisal or because they expect some material gain from doing what's expected of them.  I won't always be there to hang something over them, nor will society.  Plus I want to learn that being a decent person is it's own reward.  So when I come across examples of using reason and logic to teach kids morals, I was blown away.  Take this example:

• To explain why cheating in school is wrong, in addition to saying that it's damaging to your character and that you can no longer look at yourself as an honest person, you could say that in the long run it's bad for everyone because grades mean less and teachers won't be able to assess who needs help and who should advance.  Ahhhhhhh.  This explanation makes perfect sense, but it's not second nature for me to think this way, especially on the spot. 

Sadly, phrases like 'Because I said so' are still in my repertoire.  Here's hoping I can start to apply this kind of reasoning to my parenting dialog!

The peace that passes all understanding...

is living in the present moment.

I finally did something fulfilling today -- I watched a webcast of Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discussing 'A New Earth'.  I've been watching these off and on for a while now and it was definitely time for a review.

Eventhough I have the knowledge, I am still ruled by my ego.  I focus way too much on the future, hoping that it will bring me some kind of fulfillment.  When all I really have is the now.  The future as I know it is just what I want it to be.  And when it's not, I am disappointed.  So many good take-aways in this webcast worth noting.

Here's another -- I've noticed that acceptance feels really good.  There's a certain peace that comes with letting go and just accepting what is, rather than clinging to what you want it to be.  It can be difficult to not resist, but when you finally do it's liberating.  The ego always wants to compare itself to others.  When I'm feeling superior or inferior to someone else, I am being ruled by my ego.  These are great reminders because I do find myself doing this.  Another sign is feeling threatened when someone challenges my opinion.  It's just an opinion, it's not who I am.

Same things goes with being tied to things.  When I lose or break things, I sometimes get upset.  They are just things, they are not who I am.  Instead of accumulating things, try appreciating them for what they are and walking away, such as window shopping.  Wanting more is another sign of the ego because the ego is never satisfied.  I lived that one just today when I realized that something I so desperately wanted had lost its novelty already and made not one ioda of difference in my life.  Again, it's striving for some future state instead of just being happy with what you have and what you are in the present moment.

How about being tied to our identity, such as youth and beauty.  External beauty fades for all life forms.  It is our destiny.  Accepting that is powerful.  The irony is thick, because I am living that now.  But a good reminder is to not put that on my daughter.  I don't want her growing up thinking that who she is is 'pretty'.  She most certainly is, but pretty fades.  She's way more than that.  Last one is labelling things instead of experiencing their aliveness.  This is easy to do -- we treat others according to their role, or according to our own perceptions of who they are instead of just experiencing who they are in that moment.  I'm feeling really good about all this.  I hope it sticks.  I'll keep blogging about it and re-reading it until it does!

Reverse Discrimination

I've always felt that when I'm discussing an important social issue and someone brings up reverse discrimination, it completely takes the wind out of my sails.  Rather than get to the heart of an issue and try to make sense of an injustice, I feel like the conversation has been taken off the rails and I'm being forced to give credence to an irrelevant view point.  I used to think I was the only one who felt this way, until I read this excellent article today:
http://theory.cribchronicles.com/2013/04/11/no-dude-its-not-bigotry/
The article pokes holes at the notion of 'reverse sexism' and bigotry against men stating that since bigotry is defined as perpetuating a stereotype that reinforces the imbalance of power and the balance of power is not with women, there is no such thing as reverse sexism.  I couldn't agree more. 
For me it's these kinds of claims that take away from the important issues that need to change.
I'd like to highlight some of the key points for my own sake -- helps the message sink in:

• talking out loud about stigmatized issues, expressing anger and frustration is a good thing -- it's where change beings
• getting mad at the root causes such as male patriarchy and male privledge does not mean getting mad at you (men) personally
• sometimes there's a lot of fear and hurt and anger that are brought to these conversations and it's not particularly welcoming for men
• it's not bigotry, it's a reaction against years of being diminished
• if I'm on the power side of the equation and want to engage in a conversation to effect change by being an ally, I have to own up to the structural inequalities that exist.  We need to be able to hear the ways in which those inequalities have hurt other people, even if the stories are ugly and make us uncomfortable and we want reassurance that the ugliness isn’t our fault.  It's not the job of the oppressed to make us feel better.
• recognizing and challenging those generalities in our own actions is the way to change and to eventually make the generalities disappear

Love in the time of cholera

Finally finished this book and even though I didn't really enjoy reading it, it touched on some of the things I spend endless hours wondering and worrying about.

Sole mates -- is there such a thing?
Here we have a young man who falls desperately in love with a girl he hardly knows.  She marries someone else and he spends the rest of his life obsessed with her, waiting for the day he can pledge his undying love to her.  Here's the thing -- at 20 yrs old, how do you really know what love is?  How can you love someone you don't have a relationship with?  How can you love someone that doesn't love you back?  Maybe his love came from her rejection of him.  He loved her because he couldn't have her.  Or maybe he was in love with the idea of a perfect relationship. What if she had in fact loved him back?  Would their love had lasted?  Or would he have eventually become another disappointment, just like her husband.

The insufferable penance of married life
One of my fav quotes in the book: "The problem in public life is learning to overcome terror; the problem in married life is learning to overcome boredom."  The female protagonists is trapped in a passionless marriage, spends her life in a state of sadness and guilt -- for being unfulfilled and for not being more grateful for the husband who tries desperately to win her affections and make her happy. He gracefully accepts her disappointment in him and even says at one point "Always remember that the most important thing in a good marriage is not happiness, but stability".  The book is obviously popular because married ppl can relate.  This is the problem I continue to have with marriage.  The institution turns good relationships bad.  I see it all around me -- the bitterness and contempt my friends have for their spouses.  Where is the love?  You are clearly miserable.  You no longer bring out the best in each other -- you are practically enemies.  I see it this way.  We choose our partners too young -- we don't even know who we are, let alone who is right for us.  And then we spend the rest of our lives chained to this person, trying to make it work because we're not quitters and we have to do what's right by putting our offspring's needs ahead of our own. 'Making it work' builds character.  We resolve ourselves to a boring and miserable married life because "that's just what marriage is".  You are considered disillusioned to expect that your spouse should make your stomach flip flop after 20 yrs of marriage.  Or are you?  Maybe you've just married the wrong person.  And if you meet people with whom you are more compatible later in life it doesn't matter because you've made your choice and you have to live with the consequences and you have to call that commitment 'love'.

Unhealthy obsessive love
The male protagonist was sick with love.  Here's another quote:  "self-absorbed love was revealed to him for what it was: a pitfall of happiness that he despised and desired at the same time, but from which it was impossible to escape."  Self-absorbed is a good way to describe this behaviour.  It's the ego, completely out of control -- obsessed with wanting something to make itself whole.  You can't be at peace when you covet anything.  I felt sorry for the protagonist.  He wasted his life wanting. 

Anyways, it was good to read about emotion -- passion, turmoil, content.  Lots to think about and that's always something I enjoy doing.

Change Management

I just had the most engaging discussion about change management at a fantastic cocktail party.  It was a riveting discussions that really inspired me --  I didn't want it to end.  Good thing he was not my type otherwise I'd have been a gonner.  Now I'm scrambling to write down everything this change champion told me about how change management works  ... here goes:

Change management requires visible leadership.  It's about communicating your vision, describing for people how life will be after the change and what the impact will be.  I know this to be true, because I'm a very visual person -- when I can see myself in the future, operating under the new way of doing business, and I can see myself happier and more efficient, I have bought into the change completely.

Change leaders knock down barriers to change.  They know why people are resistant and they're not afraid to address each barrier head on.  They challenge and cajole ... but in a way that's respectful and careful.  They are masters of persuasion.  I love people like this.

Change leaders lead by example.  They walk the talk.  They adjust their own behaviour first before expecting everyone else to change.  The DM of LAC does not allow paper in his office -- he is living the paperless office he wants his organization to adopt.  He's adamant about this. Brilliant.

Ahhh -- I never knew how much I loved changed management until I started talking to an expert.  This is an interesting field that covers psychology and business acumen.  I think I've found something new to be passionate about ... that is until the wine wears off!