Leadership

I missed out on an internal eadership course at work, but got the chance to browse the course materials quickly.

I'm missing a lot of the context, but thought I might note some of the salient points.

Management is a work activity, but leadership is choice.  It's a lens, if you will, something you need to pay attention to.

Do I have leadership credibility?  What's my track record for:
making tough decisions
dealing with performance issues
influencing others

I'd say that I have a lot more miles to go before I can call myself a strong leader.  I've got a few notches in my belt, but not enough to give me credibility.

Creditibility derailers.  There are many that affect leadership outcomes (e.g. our ability to build teams, meet objectives, influence others).  Mine are short-sightedness, risk aversion, conflict avoidance, over and under managing, emotional incompetence.  Need to work on these.  But how?

Resilience (getting back up when you've fallen, learning from the experience and moving forward) this is key.  I've had a lot handed to me in my career so there hasn't been much opportunity to test my resilience.  But in my personal life, I'm plenty resilient.  Everyday I act with resolve.

Last point is on consciousness.  I'm aware, but am I taking deliberate steps to strengthen my leadership?  Afterall, "we become what we think about".

Empathy

I'm finding it really hard to be empathetic as of late and I'm disappointed in myself. I should know better. I should be able to dig deep and feel another's pain. Its a pain I once felt ffs. But instead I am angry with how this is affecting me. I don't agree with how the situation is being handled either. I'm afraid of loss. I'm afraid that my lack of empathy will be evident and enforce arguments against me. I just want to run away. Actually, no. I want to dig deep and be empathetic. From an article I just read:
We will have to put aside all of our debates. Empathy is not a matter of deciding who is right and wrong. It is simply a matter of finding anThis is very true. Give up wanting to control this situation and just be there for someone else. Have faith that it will end. I will not lose what I hold dear. I'm the lucky one here.

connected, loved, appreciated, valued and desired

I really need to feel connected, loved, appreciated, valued and desired by you. I can't remember where I read this, but I agree that for me especially, my relationships flourish when these connected feelings are expressed and reaffirmed.
I finally have this in spades.  I can't stop forgetting about all the years I did not have it and how miserable I thus felt.  And now.  Every. Day.
I am truly truly blessed.

self-help for the anxiously attached

Some great advice for ppl like me.

1. replace inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk
2. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks
3. Try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. 4. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others.
5. Have more faith in other's goodwill before you assume the worst.

More good advice:
http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/06/20/stop-feeling-insecure-in-your-relationships/

Relationship learnings

Never let loneliness or comfort pull you back into the arms of someone who made you unhappy or didn’t treat you right.

Sage advice.  Someone who made you unhappy: was the unhappiness caused by mistakes (made on both sides), that created years of  resentment and ultimately complete detachment?  Or was it just not a good fit from the start?  An inability to fufill eachother's needs.

I know this of myself: I am critical of my partner when he can't meet my needs.  I really need to work on expressing my needs instead of acting out.  However, it means so much more when your partner can intuit your needs and has a desire to fulfil them.  So much sweeter when he has a natural ability to give you what you need then having to provide instructions.  Back to the criticism though -- not good for the health of the relationship; really erodes connection.  So I must be direct about my needs and not be ashamed of them!  Sometimes I think it's nobel to deny myself of what I want because:

• I don't feel I'm deserving of them
• they seem superfluous (You want to be treated like a princess. Really? But you are a feminist FFS)
• I feel that my partner can't be trusted to provide what I need

So why set yourself up for disappointment?  Having expecations just leads to disaster in the end.  Or does it?  I've had relationships that fulfilled my needs, even though I didn't really know myself or what I wanted.  But now, I KNOW WHAT I NEED.  And I can easily determine if someone is able (or not able) to meet those needs.  Gawd, how selfish does this sound.  Relationships are about give and give afterall.  Well, I know what I can offer too.  I know my strengths.  Love makes you want to make your partner happy.  And yet, I still suck at relationships.

Poverty

First-hand account of what poverty truly feels like and how wrong society is to judge the poor.  I found this really heart-retching, yet so informative.

Some take-aways:

When you are poor, you have little to no hope for getting out of poverty.  Why save when you will be out of money in three days?  This really struck a chord for me because sadly am one of those who don't understand why the poor don't save.  There's little to no savings.  And really what difference does that extra bit of cash make.  Might as well enjoy life's guilty pleasures.  Savings is for the rich.

Employers of low income jobs often forbid their employees from taking on more work, to ensure they can be available for extra shifts as needed.  Again, heart-breaking.

Low income jobs pay no benefits.  I knew this, but when you stop to think about most of the poor are one pay cheque away from bankruptcy, should they get sick and need to either take time off or pay for medical treatment, it's a very sad thought.

Cooking attracts roaches.  Junk food is faster and cheaper.  Again, I was always baffled why the poor generally made such bad food choices.  Yes, fresh fruit and vege are unjustly more expensive then prepared meals, but surely there's an economical way to eat healthy?  There may be, but its not worth the effort. Working two jobs, caring for family, commuting crazy distances to get to work ... none of these make healthy eating easy.

Employers of low income jobs do not respect their employees.  The working conditions, lack of recognition, lack of trust, draconian mgmt style, lack of benefits, etc.  all of it meant to put the poor in their place -- to make them feel grateful they even have a job, so they won't ask for more.  Sickening.

there is no such thing as a stupid question

Wrong!  Most questions that my spouse asks me are in fact stupid.  And most of the time I ignore him completely.  My silence says "don't disrupt my peace with your stupid question, you should know the answer to this, I am so fed up that you would even think to ask me, you are on your own with this problem".  I would also add "I think so little of you right now". OUCH!! I didn't realize just how damaging this was until a good friend of mine was telling me how much it hurt to feel unsupported.  "Take a look in the mirror D" is all I could think. I do this in spades.  And not just with my partner too.  My silence hurts worse than words.

Time to dig a little deeper to the root of my annoyance:
1) I really admire resourcefulness:  so when someone asks me what I think is a stupid question, I lose a little bit of respect for them.  We are always trying to encourage our kids to figure things out on their own and to help themselves.  Man up! is all I want to scream.
2) I feel disrespected:  my motto is 'dont ask someone to do something you can do yourself'. "Mind getting me a fork (seeing as you are up)".  A few times is okay, but it's an easy trap to fall into.  Fine line between efficiency and laziness.
3) He's not learning the lesson:  same question over and over again is exasperating.  Does he save his intellect for the office, because I see no effort on his part to actually learn from the experience.  Again, goes back to respect.

But in all fairness, maybe he's forgotten the answer or truly wants (and respects) my opinion or wants me to be a part of the process (e.g. making dinner together).  Also, sometimes it's just quicker (and safer) to ask rather than risk failure ... and suffer the consequences of pissing me off. :-(

Better to just answer the question and shelf the feelings of annoyance.  But if still pissed, I could try gently -- yes gently reminding him that I prefer he not ask me that question because "insert reasonable reason". Practice:
Q: should I cook these together in the same over or in separate ovens?
D: I don't have an opinion on that.
  ... too bitchy, try again
D: why do you ask?
  ... answering a question with a question that basically says "why would you ask me such a stupid question", try again
D: I don't think it really matters.  By the time the lower oven heats up, the first batch will be done.  If you're not in a hurry then just wait a few extra minutes.
good answer, but I am still feeling annoyed that he asked me this, try again
D:  I'd appreciate it if you would try to figure these things out on your own rather then ask me just because I am here.  Even though I may look available, there's often a million things going on in my head and I don't like to be interrupted to answer something I think you already know the answer to or answer something you could just figure out on your own.  I feel that you don't respect my time.

Yikes.  I need to work on this.