Steppin' in his shoes

My partner is the dishwasher in our family and I never fully appreciated how many flippin' dishes we dirty until I had to be the dishwasher for two months (he's been doing it 80% of the time for 8 years). In fact, I'm ashamed to say that every time I came downstairs in the morning and saw that the gunk from the night before had not been cleaned out, I would curse his name and give him zero credit for doing the dishes. Rather than say anything, I'd just clean out the gunk (which is right up there with cleaning the toilets and mopping up my kid's barf, as far as disgusting chores go) and choose to be pissed off. I called this 'biting my tongue'. But really, I was just holding a grudge.

So now that I am temporarily the dishwasher, I noticed the other day that I too leave gunk in the sink all night long! It's so easy to forget to clean it out after you've spent an hour in the 'effin kitchen 'tidying up'. And because it was me that left the gunk there in the first place, it no longer bothers me. Amazing how stepping into my partner's shoes was the only way I could learn to stop being a bitch about this and to appreciate what he does around here. I'm very grateful for that. Let's hope there are more learning opportunities in store.

Hard Work

Having recently read the book Outliers which challenges the way we look at success (hard work and opportunity vs talent and luck), I was really struck by the effect of hard work. Apparently 10 000 is the magic number of hours you need to put in before you can be considered an expert. Most people fall way short of practicing anything -- an instrument, sport, computing even. It's got me thinking again about how I view my kid's free time. Right now they are still young -- I want them to play as much as they can and to enjoy the freedom of having zero responsibility. Family time is about doing fun things together, not schlepping them to endless scheduled activities. I want them to be generalists and be exposed to a variety of interests so that they can eventually find their 'thing'. But am I doing them a disservice by not helping them develop their talents sooner?

The book also examined the principals of hard work and discipline. It suggested that countries (typically Asian) that have a longer school year, produce smarter children. I've thought a lot about supplementing my child's learning with my own 'Mommy school' (I did teach my son to read after all) on weekends and during evenings. But then the whining starts and I feel guilty for intruding on their playtime. Plus I trust that our school is making the best use of time with my kids. And then I think about what a waste my own elementary school days were...

I'm beginning to think that this 'Kumon Method' of learning by wrote (for math especially) is the way to go. Math is just one of those things that you've got to practice over and over again in order to build confidence. You hear about it in Asian countries -- kids reciting their times tables and doing pages and pages of the same kinds of problems until it's embedded. My kids are going to hate me for this, but I can't get it out of my head. I don't want them to have the same fear of basic math that I have (you know the sudden urge to leave the room when the cheque arrives and you have to calculate the tip ... can't wait to start using the 'I forgot my glasses' excuse for that one).

At any rate, it's given me a lot to think about -- the value of hard work. Yeah, it's right up there with teaching my kids love and respect. I need to do something about this.

Information Management is Dead

I'm starting to read more and more about the death of my profession as an IM Specialist and rather than refute it or bury my head in the sand, I couldn't agree more.

I often get stuck on explaining just what IM is.  So I revert to a tired slogan for lack of anything else more concise -- 'it's about being able to make sure that the right information is available at the right time in the right format and at the right cost'. In the old days of paper, you relied on Records Managers to describe, organize, search and retrieve your records. But once digitial information arrived, the RM became obsolete. End users managed their own files at their desktop and the rigor of classifying and culling information was thrown by the way side, which is why shared drives are basically dumping grounds of poorly described, duplicate, and obsolete information. Enter the IM Specialist -- someone with the same organizational and analytical skills as the Records Manager, but who is comfortable with technology and can advise on how to navigate your digital nightmare using best practices (which are so pathetically obvious, it's hard to believe that someone actually pays me to do this). You don't know what to name your file? -- How about just calling it what it is? You don't know what information to delete in your email? Try most of what's in your inbox for starters.

One of the big responsibilities of the IM Specialist is to develop a 'Retention Schedule' which is supposed to be a mission critical document that says -- "this is what we keep information on and this is how long we keep it for". So if the company gets sued and can't come up with the documents or emails, they simply point to their approved Retention Schedule and say "too bad so sad, the information was deleted and this here Retention Schedule covers our asses". I won't bore you with how we come up with this magical schedule. In fact all I've done in my six years in this field is talk about it. We have yet to actually DO IT.

Corporate risk doesn't really resonate with end users, so I usually sell it with Search. If you keep everything, including the crap, it'll be harder to find the good shit, right? (of course I attenuate at work, just not in my blog). This is usually sellable because we all know how shitty desktop searching is -- if I search for 'information management', I'll get everything with the words 'information', 'management' or even fucking 'ment' in it. But thanks to advances in technology, namely Google, why delete anything? There is no master Retention Schedule for the Internet, baby! If you have a kick-ass search tool, the good stuff will float to the top and the crap info will remain out of sight. The only time we need to actually delete anything is if there's legislation that stipulates that you have to get rid of something after a specific time period. And really, there's NOT a lot of these out there.

So here I am once again working on 'the Retention Schedule', only I don't believe in it anymore. It's a bloody waste of time to go around asking people what information has value to them. If someone asked you this, wouldn't you think "everything I write has value, you dolt!". And then I have to ask: "How long do you need to keep it for" ... To which they reply: "Why not forever, isn't storage cheap? I can pick up a 1 TB removable drive for $40 at Staples, so don't tell me it's costly for you to store my files. Go tinker with some server in a closet and stop wasting my time, you idiot. Jeesh. How much do they pay those CSes, again?"

So between this and my rant about the uselessness of organizing and classifying information, my profession is already dead. Time for a career change. What though?

Sorry doesn't cut it

*Sigh* I'm tired of apologizing. He's tired of hearing it. Sorry means you're going to change. Thankfully our partners give us many chances. But does that just give us a license to screw up? I know that I'll be forgiven so what motivation is there to really try? Well, even when my apologies are accepted, damage has still been done. A new tiny brick in the wall of resentment has been laid. Enough tiny bricks and ....

I remember when I was single, I tried a lot harder to get along with my boyfriends -- probably out of fear that they would leave me (yes, that is pathetic, but we were all stupid in our 20s). That's the thing about marriage, especially when you have such a loyal and devoted partner. He's not going anywhere, so technically I can treat him like dirt, if I want to. It's no wonder married folks are typically miserable.

Do I need to go back to dating my partner in order for us to regain the respect for each other that once was? I am rarely at the receiving end of an apology (that says a lot, yikes). Luckily, the magic of "I'm sorry" still melts the resentment and wipes his slate clean. In fact that is true of most of my good friends and family. So I guess I'll keep churning out the apologies until one day my partner says "save it, I've heard it before, how is this time different?". Whoa ... just typing that makes me shudder.

It's an 'Ethnic Thing'

I read the most fascinating commentary on how culture shapes our tendencies, pre-conceptions, reactions, communication style, etc. At the risk of sounding completely naive here, cross-cultural psychology is it's own field supported by tons of research. Of course, it's a given that you have to preempt any kind of discussion on culture with a big fat disclaimer -- stereotypes are dangerous, the individual is more than the culture of his ancestors, yadda, yadda, yadda.

It was just so refreshing to read about it in the book Outliers. 'Hofstede's Dimensions' in particular caught my interest. These measure how cultures differ on things such as 'individualism-collectivism' (how much a culture expects individuals to look after themselves), 'uncertainty avoidance' (how well a culture tolerates ambiguity), 'power distance index' (belief that power is distributed equally/unequally), 'long term orientation' (belief in perseverance over time). Why didn't I know about this when I was in university?

I can't help but personalize this by thinking of my own culture, which is a mix of western, asian, mediterranean, aboriginal. Even though I was raised plain 'ol 'Canadian', my parent's ancestry had a prominent effect on our lives. My Mom was raised British Asian in Africa. A staunch Catholic, fiercely loyal to the crown and anything English. It's a strange mix of cultures -- high loyalty and obligation to extended family and tradition yet a belief typical Indianisms such as karma, 'saving face' and 'the evil eye'.

And then there's my Dad. You'd think he was a Yankee -- brutally blunt, insensitive, not the least bit perceptive. My old man is a bull in a china shop and sadly, I'm a chip off the 'ol block. I'm not adept to reading body language or subtle language nuances in order to understand what is really being said. In fact, I dislike verbal language altogether. Sometimes I get so flustered when being formally spoken to, that I just want to yell "I don't understand what you're asking of me -- please spare me and just put it in writing!"

Here's an small example of cultural differences in my family that happened years ago when my Uncle Sal first arrived in Canada. He had come over for coffee -- here's what happened when my Mom left the room for a few minutes:

Dad: Here, help yourself to some cookies
Uncle Sal: Oh, um, that's very kind of you, but um, no thank you.
Dad: Are you sure? Ok, suit yourself.

My Mom returned and was appalled to see my Dad chowing down while my uncle sat silently with nothing on his plate. She later told my Dad off for being rude (actually back in those days my Mom would've never done such a thing; it took another 15 years before she finally woke up and decided to cease being a doormat, but I digress). When by Dad recounted what had happened, my mother told him that the conversation should've gone something like this:

Dad: Please, have some of these cookies.
Uncle Sal: Oh, um, that's very kind of you, but um, no thank you.
Dad: I insist, they are quite good.
Uncle Sal: Oh, no I couldn't.
Dad: Please, you must try them. Sarah made them especially for you. Here, let me put them on your plate.
Uncle Sal: Well, ok, if you insist. Thank you very much.

Granted, my Dad is not schooled in social graces. However, I don't think he was *that* rude really. One thing's for sure, there is no way in hell he would ever accommodate another culture by attenuating his words. "Spit it out" is his motto. And that's how he raised us -- to speak up and tell it like it is. Only, I'm finally learning that brutal honesty can hurt and that relationships matter more than telling people what you think. In fact it's better to just keep criticism to yourself. Jeesh, this post is supposed to be about cultural differences and I've gone and turned it into yet another one of my self-help spiels.

I'm grateful that I finally picked up Outliers. Cross-cultural psychology is fascinating. Maybe Gladwell is right after all when he suggests that "who we are cannot be separated from where we are from?"

Creativity

Just looking at this recent posting on Gentle Discipline and I realize that a lot of my parenting woes stem from a lack of creativity. I'm feeling this in other areas of my life too, namely at work. I need new ways to solve the same old problems. Give me a creativity boost please! I miss not having a muse nearby.

It's easy to let creativity slip away when you're so focused on the routine of mundane chores. Luckily there are little ways I can inject some creativity back into my life. Here are some ideas off the top of my head:

Read - something poetic and inspiring ... not just the relationship, parenting and pop-culture easy reads I gravitate towards

Draw - my son is showing a keen interest in drawing cartoons and I think it'd be fun if we drew together; I know that I suck, but what the hell?

Photography - I don't have the eye for taking my own, but appreciate it fully. I could gaze at beautiful photos all day; they move me to no end.

Dance - time to get off the couch and feel the music with my kids; health benefits are bonus!

Piano - I'll start with 10 mins a day and accept that initially it will be painful to endure, but I might start to enjoy it again

Cooking - why not invent a new dessert? I'd like to try mixing sweet and savory (e.g. chocolate + salt); it'll be fun and tasty.

Sex - I'll spare everyone the details, but my mind has been wandering lately and I think it's time I put some of my ideas into practice

Alright, now that I have a plan to be more creative (how flippin' ridiculous does that sound), I can feel it already starting to happen.

Adventures in Gentle Discipline

It's the parenting philosophy my partner and I *try* to follow. Teach them love and respect by loving and respecting them. Self-discipline, empathy, independence will naturally follow. No tricks -- bribes, threats, punishments.

On paper it sounds beautiful. Who doesn't want to connect with their child, see the world through their eyes and know precisely how to fulfil their needs? Frig, that also sounds like the perfect marriage. Since neither of us have been parented this way ourselves, it feels wholly unnatural. Yet, we both feel strongly that it's best for our kids to be the best people we can be for them.

In practice, I'm not one for following general platitudes. Just tell me what I need to do: Situation A, Reaction A. However this style of parenting is not formulaic. If you focus on their needs and have love in your heart, then everything *should* work out. As we start down this road for a 3rd time with our toddler, you'd think I could remember what worked. Warning, this is a long list and really just another of my posts that is more a reminder to myself then anything. So here goes -- my refresher (from a Mothering Magazine article):
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Measures you can take to prevent a battle of wills :

1. demonstrate how you want your child to behave
It's easy to forget that my toddler does not understand the rules when I communicate them in the same way as I do with my older children. Sometimes I've got to GET OFF MY BUTT and just show him what I want. For example, if he pulls the cat's tail, I show him how to be gentle, rather than relying on words alone.

2. provide a period of preparation
Sometimes we role play appropriate behaviour. For example, if we're expecting company, I tell them how I expect him to behave. I've found that when I take time to prepare them about a difficult situation, there are fewer battles when we're in the moment.

3. make small concessions
These go a long way if done sparingly. For example, "I'll let you skip reading tonight because you are so tired". It's easy to be reluctant to give a little for fear of coming off weak. I can think of many times I've shot my partner dirty looks when I've heard him making concessions. But then I remind myself that there's nothing wrong with changing your mind and that 'peace' is what we're striving for.

4. look for underlying needs
I often forget that kids are generally impatient and need to explore. When faced with a situation where I know they'll be bored and cranky, I should look for ways to help them cope (such as giving them something to play with while waiting in line) or try to avoid the situation altogether. Losing my cool and yelling at them for being kids is what usually happens.

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Easy techniques for when you are 'in the moment' and need to find a way out of the mess :

5. give information and reasons
For example, if my child draws on the wall, I explain why we colour on paper only. This works! Problem is my kids are so accustomed to having reasons for everything that when I am tired and rushed and don't have a reason other than "because I said so". they refuse to comply -- "give me a reason Mommy". Chances are, if I don't really have a reason, then it's probably just my hang-up and I should let it go. What does Barbara Coloroso say? Is it dangerous, immoral, illegal? If not, then what's the harm?

6. give choices rather than commands
This one is my favourite -- "Do you want to brush your teeth before or after putting your PJs on?" I know, it's not much of a choice. It's also super easy for me to remember because I hate being told what to do. Problem is, the kids want choices for everything and it can be maddening when there is only one choice. "This is not a restaurant" is also one of my favourite expressions -- "eat it or go hungry" isn't much of a choice either, but it's life.

7. make a deal, negotiate
My kids are highly skilled negotiators thanks to our over-use of this strategy. Of course the minute dinner hits the table, my 4-year-old now asks "How many more bites?"

8. change the environment
Things digress quickly when I hold fast to my position rather than thinking outside the box and looking for a win-win. For example, this article suggests that if your child repeatedly takes CDs off the shelf, move them somewhere else out of reach. Problem solved.

9. redirect
My instinct is to say 'no' to my kids. But then I have to deal with their disappointment. Sometimes I'm just too tired to listen to the whining, so I spoil them by giving in. What's obviously better is to (here we go again) seek a win-win. For example, this article suggests that if you don't want them to build a fort in the living room, don't just say no, show them where they CAN build one.

10. let natural consequences occur (when appropriate)
I LOVE natural consequences because I don't have to say a damn thing. For example, when my child doesn't hang up her bathing suit and towel, she may find them still wet the next day. Experience is their best teacher.

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Touchy-Feely tactics (not my specialty)

11. acknowledge, accept and listen to feelings
I've blogged about this before -- my empathy skills still have a WAYS to go. I'm quick to wipe away the tears and tell them to suck it up. But that does not teach them to deal with their emotions. Nor does it send the message that they matter. To feel loved, is to feel understood. I'm learning to become a better detective too, by looking for the underlying feelings. For example, if my child hits her baby brother, I should encourage her to express her anger in other ways (she many need to cry or rage).

12. hold your child
This one makes me smile because back when we were dating, my partner used to wrap his arms around me in a straight-jacket-type hold whenever I'd lose it. It always diffused my anger and helped me realize that I was over-reacting. When it comes to my kids, holding them is often the last thing I feel like doing when they are behaving like monsters. However, as this article says, "it allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears."

13. remove child from the situation and stay with her
We try to do 'time-ins' rather than 'time-outs' because we've found that isolating our children just makes things worse for everyone. Of course it can also be a way for them to get attention -- I certainly don't want to reward bad behaviour. I've found that it works best when we don't make it pleasant for them. This article suggests to "use the time for listening, sharing feelings, holding and conflict-resolution."

14. do it together, be playful
Gotta hand it to my partner on this one, he is the King of Kid Fun. I still marvel at the ways he uses his goofy sense of play and humour to get the kids to cooperate. It can be as easy as taking turns brushing each other's teeth. I know I have it in me too (somewhere?). Can be tricky to find my creativity when I am so focused on the result.

15. defuse the situation with laughter
My partner recently commented that I'm too serious and rarely smile. *sigh* It's not because I'm unhappy -- life is good. I just find that I have to be serious with the kids if I want to be taken seriously. However 'good cop' can be just as effective. For example, "if your child is mad at you, this article suggests inviting them to express their anger in a playful pillow fight with you. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and feelings of powerlessness." I'm making a strong mental note of this one. After all, I should ENJOY my kids while they're still young.

16. do mutual conflict-resolution
I've blogged about problem-solving before. Good in theory (discuss ongoing conflicts, state your own needs, ask for their help in finding solutions, determine rules together), not so easy to put into practice, but we're getting there.

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Things you can do for yourself to help ease the pain :

17. communicate your own feelings
Thankfully, I'm pretty good at communicating my needs. For example, "I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the family room." It helps build their empathy skills and at the same time alleviates some of my own stress.

18. revise your expectations
I have to remind myself that children have intense feelings and needs, and are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, creative, forgetful, fearful, self-centered and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are D!

19. take a parental time-out
Probably the number one reason I need to go running. Nothing better than a break to regain your sense of composure and good judgement.