Delayed gratification

I can't even remember what this feels like. I've become so spoiled with my "see it-want it-buy it" attitude. The last two weeks of Christmas spending is starting to make me feel nauseous. Where is the restraint? Do we even have enough money in our bank account to cover this? I haven't a clue and even if I did, it probably wouldn't stop me because this is Christmas after all and you don't get a second chance to get it right.... or do you?

I don't like feeling out of control. Remember the good 'ol days of saving up for something, and looking forward to getting it? By the time it was yours, it actually meant something. Or better yet, you realized that you really didn't want it and were strong enough to walk away. Take dessert -- it fails to satisfy. Too much of a good thing and in fact now my sugar addiction is starting to piss me off because I have not lost the pre-holiday weight I promised myself I would. I think it's worse this year because we seem to have no time to shop so everything seems like an impulse buy. We're buying gifts more out of obligation and guilt -- especially for our extended family, who really don't need anything they can't buy for themselves.

So what do I do when I feel this helpless? I desperately grab hold of spending I can control, like food. I have to pinch pennies somewhere to compensate. Of course I'm never sensible about it -- I just go ape shit on my family. Like this morning, I almost diluted the milk in my cereal with water. KD, hot dogs, freezer burnt leftovers -- these are next week's meals. Will this work to balance the buyer's remorse that I already feel? *Sigh* This is a first for me -- I CAN'T WAIT for January to get here. Deprivation, I'm yours.

Nicole loves Liam

The other day, my six year old son was telling me all about the crushes in his Grade 1 class and I found it really endearing to hear about 'who loved who'. And when I asked him who he loved, he plainly said 'nobody', but that he knew who loved him. Phew, I'm an over-protective mother of boys and was not ready to hear about that. But then part of me, way down deep started to feel really badly for these little girls. And in fact my inner child rose up hours later and got me thinking about all the boys I had crushes on and how no one was ever crushin' on me -- NO ONE. By the time I was a teenager, boys were interested, but it's not the same as *really* liking someone -- usually from afar, dreaming about them, looking forward to your next encounter, wishing they felt the same way. No one has ever been completely ga-ga for me, not like I have been for them -- not even my own partner. He's told me as much -- that he just went along with it. We got along well, had common interests, the sex was good and he was ready to settle down. No baying at the moon, stalking, obsessing -- none of it. *sigh* He doesn't understand this business about being 'boy-crazy' or crazy for anyone for that matter. I guess it just takes one to know one. I'd like to see my son all starry-eyed for someone one of these days. It's a good feeling. I certainly don't want him to expect that it's only girls that should crush on boys. And will I ever stop being boy crazy? Nope. Never!

Staying Positive

Tony Robbins says that just thinking about how half the world lives off of less than $2/day should be enough to make you realize how fortunate you are. Thinking about what you are thankful for, thanking those who you appreciate and giving back instead of expecting to get are three other things that will snap you out of your self-loathing too.

What is it about this time of year that I despise? I can feel the stress already starting to build and it's still a month away. I know this post is supposed to be about feeling positive, but I've got to vent and sadly, I have no one to vent to right now. So here goes -- why I hate Christmas:

1. wanting to buy my children the perfect gifts -- what they really want, what will give them tons of enjoyment, what will last and not break the bank ... and did I mention that I have no time to put in the hours of shopping required to find these perfect gifts?
2. wanting to entertain my family -- amazing food, clean and cozy house, everyone happy and relaxed
3. wanting to not gain weight -- but still indulge
4. wanting to find interesting things for us to do rather then be bored being stuck with each other for 10 days
5. wanting to be done with my shopping early and not running around at the last minute to find impossible to find items
6. wanting to not feel like a complete fraud by going to church and acting religious

I think that's it. I have other stressors in my life, but thankfully most of those are work related and hey, at least I won't have to worry about work over Christmas!
What can I do now to prepare for the inevitable?
Plan, bake & freeze, hire a sitter so we can shop, lose a few pounds beforehand (yeah right), and above all ACCEPT. Like one of my good friends says, 'Christmas is all about being disappointed'. The kids might as well learn it now. I accept that some things will be last minute, some appetizers will burn, my partner's family will say something to tick me off, my partner will get me shitty gifts, and I will be tempted with rich fatty food and lots of booze .... lots of booze. Hey! maybe that's another way to handle the stress! Let go of perfection D, it's not worth the stress.
And as for Tony Robbin's advice, it's a good reminder and something I feel compelled to do something about. In fact I've been working on some love letters for each of my loved ones because I really want them to know what they mean to me and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I also want to cook dinner for a family in need -- not drop off a raw turkey in a hamper, but prepare a complete meal and nicky-nine-doors it. Gotta figure out the logistics of this one (stay tuned).

How do I ...

I've had it with our Intranet space and am doing a complete re-write of the content and architecture. Yet, I know that I am bound to come up against some major resistance from those on my team who love wordzzzzzzzz. Readers don't want to scroll through crap. They have a short attention span and want quick answers, so they can get on with doing their work.

How do I: ... organize my files
... describe my information
... handle personal information
... get rid of my files
... respond to this ATIP request
.... contact my IM Specialist
... get more training

Other than some basic info on who we are, what we can do for you and what's new, this is all we really need. Now, how do I .... convince the rest of the team that my solution is the way to do? Here's where my influencing skills need work. Maybe I should put it in front of a few end-users and share their feedback (which will be nothing but positive).

Writing

I'm always blown away by those who can write. It's a daily struggle for me to express myself the way I want to. How many times do my friends and colleagues hear me ask "what's the word for ... you know, when you're ... " Are you doing a cross-word puzzle over there, D? Nope, I'm just writing a fucking email.

Shawna Wagman is one of my heroes -- boy can she write. And about FOOD too! Take this snippet she recently wrote for Ottawa Magazine:

"When Ottawa chef-icon John Taylor announced that he was
opening a casual, seasonally inspired gourmet wine bar in
a converted corner coffee shop in Old Ottawa South, foodies
rejoiced. We couldn’t help thinking of it as “Domus Lite.” But
when Genuine opened, the tenor soon turned heavy. There was
a time when fine dining meant a night away from the kids, but
the saga of the breastfeeding mother’s right to include her baby
in an evening reservation revealed tension about whether we’re
comfortable saying some places aren’t for everyone. For me, this
episode points to a less political issue as well. It highlights the
increased importance we’re placing on hospitality. And in spite
of its name, Genuine gets demerit points on that front — the service
and attitude in the room run rather cool." ....

I don't know how to describe it, but its that subtle, indirect way she has that conveys her opinion, but not in an overly judgy (I know judgy is not a word, I admit I can't write) way.

Will I ever learn by just reading? Or do I need more practice. This blog has really helped me get my ideas out, but I'm impatient and want to see leaps and bounds of improvement. Maybe a writing course?

Cheap Oil

No more burying my head in the sand. I'm finally starting to inform myself about why this crisis is just around the corner ... and it's depressing as all hell.
It's more than the fact that the oil taps are running low. We all know how deep our hunger and addiction to the lifestyle oil provides goes. Here are some other things I learned from reading Why Your World Is About to Get a Whole Lot Smaller: Oil and the End of Globalization :

Demand in developing countries is off the charts. No amount of energy savings gained by tightening our belts or 'off-peak' discipline will ever counter the amount of energy being consumed in places like China and India. They finally get to have a taste of our lifestyle ... and all the problems that go with it.

Local oil is subsidized to make oil more affordable for developing countries, but it also hurts investment in the local oil industry. With oil consumption on the rise, there is less left to export and this causes oil export prices to rise even more.

I didn't know this, but OPEC countries are burning oil to produce electricity. Rapid population and economic growth means high power demand (again, less oil to export). Saudi Arabia is also running out of fresh water because they are draining their aquifers for irrigation. This means they are burning more oil for desalination plants, which of course are energy intensive. Thanks!

And then there's also the fact that there's more money to be made with oil as a petrochemical than just burning it (like our planet needs more plastic shit).... less and less oil folks.
More and more countries are repatriating their oil and kicking internationals out (except for Canada). Yes, the tar sands ... will not save us either. Oil sand extraction is COSTLY. It also requires an enormous amount of energy to process, referred to in this book as a low energy rate of return. What will happen when natural gas is diverted elsewhere to more financially attractive demands? And if and when environmental laws finally tighten up? Bye bye tar sands.Off-shore oil is not the answer. Fast depletion rates, costly rig repairs from severe storms and environmental devastation from spills make this a non-starter.

Forget about nuclear too. Too many years to become operational + costly + lots of downtime = disappointing yields. What about bio fuel? We've already learned that stealing from our food supply to feed our cars is utterly foolish. But what I didn't know was that the energy return from producing ethanol is almost negative -- planting, fertilizing, harvesting, processing, transporting all require a lot of energy.

Hydrogen? Not unless you can afford a million dollar car. It too has a low energy return because it takes a lot of energy to produce and is expensive (and dangerous) to transport. Surely solar and wind? Nope. Energy leaks don't make either particularly efficient. Plus you'd need to install panels all across a piece of land the size of New York State just to power the US vehicle fleet. It's certainly an 'alternative', but not a replacement.

And speaking of efficiency, I found it incredibly depressing to read about the rebound effect in this book. All of the technological gains in creating energy efficiency (following the energy crisis of the 70s) has actually increased consumption. Yep. Those Rabbits of the 80s used less energy which brought oil prices down so what did that afford .... bigger more energy consuming vehicles to fuel (and bigger houses to heat/cool to boot).

So there you have it -- things are BAAAADD. The rest of the book talked about how our world will get smaller. It reaffirmed everything I've already learned. Travel, exotic cuisine, year-round produce, bargain-basement prices, over-consumption, long commutes ... these WILL be history. I really can't stop thinking about this (wait, could this be a new obsession? :-P). What can I do now, this very minute, to prepare myself and my family? How can I wean myself off this lifestyle because I really can't ignore it any longer. xx

Influence

Every time my partner and I get talking about what's wrong in the world, the conversation inevitbly ends with one of us saying -- what we desperately need is campaign finance reform. It's just too easy to judge corrupt politicians and greedy capitalists. However, I'm starting to see how preferential treatment influences my own judgement.

I'm building on the ideas I first heard Jesse Hirsh talk about this week -- the power of recommendations. I'm all about openness (to a fault). I love to share and see others benefit from any good deals or worthwhile local activities I've discovered. I also rely on my network of like-minded friends to share with me their fav books, movies, songs, recipes, restaurants, advice, whatever -- just give it to me baby! So what happens when a corporation thanks me for my recommendation? I'm invited to attend a focus group or asked to review some new products in exchange for a little pampering (a few drinks and nibblies to share with other Westboro Moms perhaps)? At that point I am no different than the bought politicians I abhor! And let's face I am a sucker for a pretty face. Sales people love me. So when someone hot shows their appreciation for my oh-so-discriminating taste and tosses a few freebies my way, bias has already been created. What harm is there in saying a few kind words or letting them use me to promote their wares. The obligation is there and who doesn't want a win-win anyway?

*Sigh* Everyone does indeed have a price. Maybe openness is how you counter this. A friend of mine said he recently read a review for a computer game and the reviewer explicitly stated that the software company invited him down to Disney World to review the game. Was his review biased? Probably. But at least he was open about it. Of course people don't want to admit that this is happening. In fact when talking about this today, this same friend said "that's really no different from being flown out to Seattle to meet with Microsoft" .... UGH!

Hell, at least I am aware. I can't stop this from happening. Nor can I judge the sytem. I will continue to offer up and seek out reccomendations (that's just who I am) -- but with a critical eye.