Living Free

I experienced a completely surreal moment when my Mom and I were at a cottage this weekend.  We were busy getting dinner ready, cracking jokes, reminiscing about the past, just enjoying the buzz of a great summer day when she suddenly commented on how nice it was to stay in a small simple house.  I'd been feeling the same way, but hadn't realized it until that moment.  It was completely liberating to be free from my things -- my precious things I've built a whole house around.  At the cottage the cupboards were bare, the closets empty, the furniture sparse.  It was bliss!  Being there with my folks reminded me of growing up in a similar small house.  It was tiny and I always complained that we could afford to live in a better house.  But really, it was all we really needed.  Because now we are slaves to our stuff.  I hate that I continue to waste my life shopping for, putting away, tidying, looking for and throwing out all my precious stuff.  I wish that I didn't NEED things to make me happy.  Maybe it's not too late.

Let the Games Begin!

"I hate the Olympics" is about as popular a sentiment as "I hate Christmas".  I get disappointing looks from friends and family when I express my views. "Must you be so cynical D?  It's the Olympics after all."  Precisely! I resent being made to feel nostalgic for an event that's become a corporate sponsorship orgy masked as a peaceful union of nations all in the name of wholesome sport.  Here are some of the reasons I hate the Olympics:

1) hypocrisy - on so many levels
The Olympics is about making money period. -- corporate sponsors, elite athletes, the IOC.  The whole world is watching, so let's exploit the crap out of this baby.
Childhood obesity is an epidemic in the US and yet McDonald's and Coke are the leading Olympic sponsors.  The irony is unbelievable.
Nationalism is another falsehood. I'm somehow supposed to feel patriotism if an athlete from my country medals. Some of the reasons I am a proud Canadian: public health care, multiculturalism, gun control, the CBC, campaign finance reform, natural resource conservation. Not taking pride in an athlete's performance-enhanced win, in a made up event I know nothing about. Sure I enjoy marvelling at other people's talent and hard work -- it's remarkable what the human body can achieve.  It's just SO overblown.

2) wasteful - thousands of public servants have been laid off in the UK, yet there was still enough money to host the world. Surely $14.5 billion can be better spent -- world hunger comes to mind.  If governments sponsored sports at the grass roots, more children would get to participate, which would improve public health.  Is that not the point of honouring sport?

3) deification of sport - Olympians are not heroes.  Humanity is not better off because of their sacrifice.  Certainly their talent and dedication should be admired, but again, their achievement is completely inflated.  I don't swoon over movie stars, so for me this is no different.  Perhaps what's missing is a balance.  Let's appreciate humanitarians, philantropists, scientists.  I guess it's the deep-seated American-esque desire to idolize that burns me.

4) unfairness - the countries that do the best are those who spend the most money on their athletes -- the best facilities, trainers, programs.  The US and China will bring home the most medals so why pretend that this is a fair competition?

5) drug testing - why bother?  So much time and money is spent on testing and finding new ways to not get caught.  For certain sports, it's a given.  There's no place for moral judgments, so just call it a competitive advantage and let anything go. 

There are so many other reasons to hate the Olympics (e.g. relocation of the homeless, police state, brand bans, etc.).  I'd much rather the IOC be honest about the true force$ behind the Olympics.  Hypocrisy is the one thing that really turns my stomach.  Sad thing about this, is that I LIKE sports, especially participating in them. Being active, feeling your body move, developing skills and confidence, achieving goals, team work ... all made possible through sport.  Too bad the Olympics kills the joy. Here's hoping I can bite my tongue long enough to let my friends and family enjoy the games and just get outside and swim, bike and run.

Riding the wave of depression

Every once in a while I get really down on my life.  Everything seems hopeless and all I want is to escape.  But there is no escape, not without serious life-altering consequences.  And franckly it's not just about me anymore.  Plus, no matter what you think you are escaping from, it's still always with you.  Because really my problems will always be in my head.  It's nobody else's fault but my own. 
Thankfully I know that when I feel like I'm on the brink of fleeing, it's just temporary -- I'm at the lowest low of my emotional wave.  Tomorrow is always brighter.  And indeed as I type this today, I can say that it has passed.  I got my little escape from reality last night and I am grateful for it.  Of course my mood has a profound effect on my loved ones who can't understand why Mommy never smiles or why she's so cold to Papa.  This I have to work at.

Alone time

One week of vacation with my adoring family and I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow.  No, it's not the work I miss.  It's the time ALONE on my bike commute that I'm really looking forward to.  I just need some space to breathe.  I love my family dearly and we had a near perfect vacation.  Every one's emotional bank account is brimming.  I feel at the top of my parenting game right now having just tucked my three cherubs into bed.  And yet I am so looking forward to being free. We were all together every minute of every day for eight days.  That's a lot.  I was never one for appreciating privacy.  And it's not like I meditate when alone -- my mind is rarely quiet.  I just like the silence.  When you are alone you can do as you please without interruptions or comments from the peanut gallery.  It's just nice.  And I'm really grateful for it.

True Love

I attended Mass today only because I knew it would make D happy. Even though he's accepted my decision to refrain from church, I know it pains him to go without me. Usually it's a complete waste of time and I spend the entire time wishing that I was anywhere else, hence the reason I stopped going. But today, I read a little passage that caught my interest. It was the prelude to the missal, about love, written by a parishioner. We're told to love one another which is beautifully simple -- just open your heart and love. But in reality it's much harder because of all the BS (I'm editorializing here). If we took a page out of Hollywood, we'd take from our partners what we need to feel good and leave after the warm feelings wear off. True love is about sticking it out. It's about giving. You give of yourself unconditionally without thinking of your own feelings. It's the beginnings of laying one's life down for another ...

Of course the passage went on to talk about the requirement to love God before you can truly love another human being, blah, blah, blah. It's the first part that really struck me. Giving. I don't give without expecting something in return. Even from my kids -- I expect compliance. I expect that they will grow up to be decent people as long as I love them and parent them as well as I can.

This idea of giving without resentment is humbling. I know someone like this. He gives because he loves his wife immensely. It's the real thing.

I don't dig deep and give all of myself. I hold back. I'm not sure why I do this. I'm not sure that I can be this giving person who expresses her love unconditionally either. But I would like to be her. Some small attitude shifts may be all that it takes. It starts with expectation. Don't expect anything in return. Giving.

The Greatest Love of All

I've spent a lot of time lately blaming other people for my unhappiness. Why can't he love me the way I deserve to be loved? I show appreciation for his 'wonderfulness' everyday -- I want the same thing back.  Well why not just give yourself what you need D. That's right. Today I am going to adorn myself with love and gratitude. Big head alert. I'm the only one that can fulfill my needs and it's high time I take care of myself because it's all I've truly got.

I love you Diane because ...
you are witty - your FB posts really crack me up, your humour is a great release at work
you get things done - you can see the shortest most efficient path almost immediately and are able to multi-task like no other
you have great analytical skills - you can create a simple explanation to a complex idea; you know the right questions to ask to get right to the information you need
you are reliable - I can always count on your support
you are interesting - you can converse on many topics and are always interested in learning something new
you are a great mother - you love your children deeply, take your parenting responsibilities seriously and at the same time give your kids room to just be
you are responsible - you've got your shit together -- career, assets, RSPs, manageable debt
you are lovely - your skin, smile, long shiny hair, athletic figure -- you look good

... k ... I am starting to feel silly so I'll stop. But at the same time, if feels good to love myself. I'm always selling myself short, down-playing my achievements and shirking off other people's compliments. And it's been to my detriment. Because when you act like you are not deserving, people start to think that maybe it's true. Not anymore. No need to brag. I'll just keep it inside. Everyday there's something great to celebrate, even if it's just another example of what's already great about me. Lots of little hugs and kisses D.

Warehouse Slavery

I'm reeling from a recent article I just read on sweat-shop labour in North America. Turns out that the low-cost, free-shipping convenience of on-line shopping is once again on the backs of the poor. Long hard hours, military-style humiliation-motivation, threats of dismissal if impossible-to-meet targets aren't met, no time off --it's so inhumane that I wonder why Americans would stand for it. But what choice do they have when their children are starving. There's an endless supply of people who are willing to work, no matter how bad the conditions. These are the only types of jobs available in this god-foresaken economy. Surely the mega corporations whose goods these warehouses stock can afford to pay their workers better? Technically they are not their workers. Hell no! Warehouses are operated by other arms-length companies and staffed by further removed temp agencies. Another brilliant business model to indemnify corporations of their responsibility to treat and pay people fairly. It turns my stomach. I will never buy anything from Amazon or the like again!