Shift your perceptions

I visited an intuitive today -- first time seeing this one, but not the first reading I've have.  My need to know and to control is what drives me to visit fortune tellers and yet every time I go,  I'm disappointed. But since I dropped $110, I should at least try to look for some worthwhile lesson.

As far as psychics go she was mediocre -- asked a lot of questions instead of telling me what she saw.  She was even dead wrong on a few counts, such as me being single.  But of course even married people can give off a single aura because of their independence.  Of course!  There was also a lot of general advice for someone of my demographic -- you don't feel appreciated, you give so much of yourself to your children, you are disappointed that married life has not lived up to your fantasy, you are angry for not having more time to yourself, blah, blah, blah.  But then there were some points that really resonated.  Even if it was just a lucky guess on her point, it was good to hear an objective point of view.

She interpreted the images she saw of me as being very sad, trapped and protective.  She said that I had checked out of my relationship a long time ago, but that it's been a gradual process since after the kids were born.  It's not clear why I unplugged, but I need to examine why I did that and figure out ways to plug back in. She said that I need to shift my perceptions.  This threw me for a loop because its something I've heard a very good friend of mine talk about.  I should focus on what's good and specifically what D does that's good. Gratitude will help me open my heart.  She told me that I crave intimacy and that I feel alive when I'm with someone that I connect with.  This is a good thing because it shows me what's possible.  Now I have to figure out a way to bring that aliveness into my marriage.  What am I seeking?  What do other relationships give me that I can't seem to have at home?  Why am I closing my heart to D's love?  She also advised me to enrich my soul myself.  Stop making my partner responsible for my fulfillment.  I should nurture things that I love about myself and spend time doing what I really enjoy (more booze anyone?).  She called me a hopeless romantic.  I can be my own romantic -- buy myself flowers, do what makes me feel alive.  This made a lot of sense to me.  Of course it could be said for most mothers.  She also told me to develop my own spiritual practice and that I should study kabalah. Wrt plugging back into my marriage, she suggested we spend more time together -- not just dates, but having conversations that don't involve the kids or money.  Just being in each other's company builds intimacy.  I also need more playfulness and laughter.   D tickled me to death tonight and it was a lot of FUN.  I agree that we need to play more.

So there's plenty of good advice here .. perhaps not $110 worth, but I'm going to start paying closer attention to what I am bringing, and in the case of my marriage, not bringing.

The final testament

Just finished another great book by James Frey.  Yes, he's controversial and his talent is a bit over-blown, but this is a profound book.  At least it was for me.  I'm feeling really down lately and although Frey told the stories of the saddest, poorest and most hopeless of urban America, the message of love made me want to cry for joy.  I realize that it's cliché to say that love is the answer.  I keep forgetting that it's not just a precusor to marriage.  You have to feel it everyday if you really want happiness.  Loving yourself, loving others, loving life.  In Frey's book the Messiah is reborn and spends his time in NYC transforming people's lives with love -- a warm hug, a sincere conversation, a gentle kiss, and always an "I love you".  God is love was the message.  Love each other.  Nothing is more powerful than the love of another human being.  So spend your life loving and giving as much as you can.  This is God.  I think I'm going to cry again.  Too often we think we have love, but then it quickly dies and we're left chasing things that don't make us happy or feel good instead of just making love.  I realize this is sounding like a Hippie Manifesto.  But think about how great it feels to be loved and to love.  And yet those moments are few and far between.  When you have love in your heart, you have compassion for others, differences melt away, you accept people as they are and life is bliss.

I have to return this book to the library, but wanted to note some of the other great messages:
Life is about living simply, helping others and feeling everything you can feel.  It's not about the accumulation of wealth and possessions.  It's about the accumulation of friends. The more you have, the more you want.  The more complicated your life is, the more miserable you are.  The more you work, the less you live.
God is infinity.  Most of us can't understand how big infinity is.
Focusing on life after death causes you to forsake life. 
Religion is man's greatest con.  If I claim to have a direct relationship with and a unique understanding of God and I claim that he created everything and knows everything and controls your fate including your destiny after death, I can use that power to make you live as I want you to live, including being a slave.
Religions and governments are instruments of greed and power.  They exist to exploit and control humanity and the earth's resources.

These ideas are not new, but it was refreshing to read.  I feel at my best when my love tank is full.  It's so much easier to deal with D and the kids. I can see more clearly.  The glass is half full.  I love that feeling.  And I know it can last.  My friend Tara talks about acting out of love.  She's very aware of where her actions come from and tries hard to make sure they come from a place of love.  This makes a lot of sense to me. I'm going to think about and try to feel love everyday, even if I don't get it back.  I know if feels equally good to be kind and loving to someone else.

Living Free

I experienced a completely surreal moment when my Mom and I were at a cottage this weekend.  We were busy getting dinner ready, cracking jokes, reminiscing about the past, just enjoying the buzz of a great summer day when she suddenly commented on how nice it was to stay in a small simple house.  I'd been feeling the same way, but hadn't realized it until that moment.  It was completely liberating to be free from my things -- my precious things I've built a whole house around.  At the cottage the cupboards were bare, the closets empty, the furniture sparse.  It was bliss!  Being there with my folks reminded me of growing up in a similar small house.  It was tiny and I always complained that we could afford to live in a better house.  But really, it was all we really needed.  Because now we are slaves to our stuff.  I hate that I continue to waste my life shopping for, putting away, tidying, looking for and throwing out all my precious stuff.  I wish that I didn't NEED things to make me happy.  Maybe it's not too late.

Let the Games Begin!

"I hate the Olympics" is about as popular a sentiment as "I hate Christmas".  I get disappointing looks from friends and family when I express my views. "Must you be so cynical D?  It's the Olympics after all."  Precisely! I resent being made to feel nostalgic for an event that's become a corporate sponsorship orgy masked as a peaceful union of nations all in the name of wholesome sport.  Here are some of the reasons I hate the Olympics:

1) hypocrisy - on so many levels
The Olympics is about making money period. -- corporate sponsors, elite athletes, the IOC.  The whole world is watching, so let's exploit the crap out of this baby.
Childhood obesity is an epidemic in the US and yet McDonald's and Coke are the leading Olympic sponsors.  The irony is unbelievable.
Nationalism is another falsehood. I'm somehow supposed to feel patriotism if an athlete from my country medals. Some of the reasons I am a proud Canadian: public health care, multiculturalism, gun control, the CBC, campaign finance reform, natural resource conservation. Not taking pride in an athlete's performance-enhanced win, in a made up event I know nothing about. Sure I enjoy marvelling at other people's talent and hard work -- it's remarkable what the human body can achieve.  It's just SO overblown.

2) wasteful - thousands of public servants have been laid off in the UK, yet there was still enough money to host the world. Surely $14.5 billion can be better spent -- world hunger comes to mind.  If governments sponsored sports at the grass roots, more children would get to participate, which would improve public health.  Is that not the point of honouring sport?

3) deification of sport - Olympians are not heroes.  Humanity is not better off because of their sacrifice.  Certainly their talent and dedication should be admired, but again, their achievement is completely inflated.  I don't swoon over movie stars, so for me this is no different.  Perhaps what's missing is a balance.  Let's appreciate humanitarians, philantropists, scientists.  I guess it's the deep-seated American-esque desire to idolize that burns me.

4) unfairness - the countries that do the best are those who spend the most money on their athletes -- the best facilities, trainers, programs.  The US and China will bring home the most medals so why pretend that this is a fair competition?

5) drug testing - why bother?  So much time and money is spent on testing and finding new ways to not get caught.  For certain sports, it's a given.  There's no place for moral judgments, so just call it a competitive advantage and let anything go. 

There are so many other reasons to hate the Olympics (e.g. relocation of the homeless, police state, brand bans, etc.).  I'd much rather the IOC be honest about the true force$ behind the Olympics.  Hypocrisy is the one thing that really turns my stomach.  Sad thing about this, is that I LIKE sports, especially participating in them. Being active, feeling your body move, developing skills and confidence, achieving goals, team work ... all made possible through sport.  Too bad the Olympics kills the joy. Here's hoping I can bite my tongue long enough to let my friends and family enjoy the games and just get outside and swim, bike and run.

Riding the wave of depression

Every once in a while I get really down on my life.  Everything seems hopeless and all I want is to escape.  But there is no escape, not without serious life-altering consequences.  And franckly it's not just about me anymore.  Plus, no matter what you think you are escaping from, it's still always with you.  Because really my problems will always be in my head.  It's nobody else's fault but my own. 
Thankfully I know that when I feel like I'm on the brink of fleeing, it's just temporary -- I'm at the lowest low of my emotional wave.  Tomorrow is always brighter.  And indeed as I type this today, I can say that it has passed.  I got my little escape from reality last night and I am grateful for it.  Of course my mood has a profound effect on my loved ones who can't understand why Mommy never smiles or why she's so cold to Papa.  This I have to work at.

Alone time

One week of vacation with my adoring family and I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow.  No, it's not the work I miss.  It's the time ALONE on my bike commute that I'm really looking forward to.  I just need some space to breathe.  I love my family dearly and we had a near perfect vacation.  Every one's emotional bank account is brimming.  I feel at the top of my parenting game right now having just tucked my three cherubs into bed.  And yet I am so looking forward to being free. We were all together every minute of every day for eight days.  That's a lot.  I was never one for appreciating privacy.  And it's not like I meditate when alone -- my mind is rarely quiet.  I just like the silence.  When you are alone you can do as you please without interruptions or comments from the peanut gallery.  It's just nice.  And I'm really grateful for it.

True Love

I attended Mass today only because I knew it would make D happy. Even though he's accepted my decision to refrain from church, I know it pains him to go without me. Usually it's a complete waste of time and I spend the entire time wishing that I was anywhere else, hence the reason I stopped going. But today, I read a little passage that caught my interest. It was the prelude to the missal, about love, written by a parishioner. We're told to love one another which is beautifully simple -- just open your heart and love. But in reality it's much harder because of all the BS (I'm editorializing here). If we took a page out of Hollywood, we'd take from our partners what we need to feel good and leave after the warm feelings wear off. True love is about sticking it out. It's about giving. You give of yourself unconditionally without thinking of your own feelings. It's the beginnings of laying one's life down for another ...

Of course the passage went on to talk about the requirement to love God before you can truly love another human being, blah, blah, blah. It's the first part that really struck me. Giving. I don't give without expecting something in return. Even from my kids -- I expect compliance. I expect that they will grow up to be decent people as long as I love them and parent them as well as I can.

This idea of giving without resentment is humbling. I know someone like this. He gives because he loves his wife immensely. It's the real thing.

I don't dig deep and give all of myself. I hold back. I'm not sure why I do this. I'm not sure that I can be this giving person who expresses her love unconditionally either. But I would like to be her. Some small attitude shifts may be all that it takes. It starts with expectation. Don't expect anything in return. Giving.