self-help for the anxiously attached

Some great advice for ppl like me.

1. replace inner dialog about failings and worries about what others think of you with reassuring self-talk
2. Build confidence in yourself and your value by accomplishing real tasks
3. Try harder to see things from others’ point of view before acting on fears and anger about how they treat you. 4. Soothe your own worries before they trouble others.
5. Have more faith in other's goodwill before you assume the worst.

More good advice:
http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/06/20/stop-feeling-insecure-in-your-relationships/

Relationship learnings

Never let loneliness or comfort pull you back into the arms of someone who made you unhappy or didn’t treat you right.

Sage advice.  Someone who made you unhappy: was the unhappiness caused by mistakes (made on both sides), that created years of  resentment and ultimately complete detachment?  Or was it just not a good fit from the start?  An inability to fufill eachother's needs.

I know this of myself: I am critical of my partner when he can't meet my needs.  I really need to work on expressing my needs instead of acting out.  However, it means so much more when your partner can intuit your needs and has a desire to fulfil them.  So much sweeter when he has a natural ability to give you what you need then having to provide instructions.  Back to the criticism though -- not good for the health of the relationship; really erodes connection.  So I must be direct about my needs and not be ashamed of them!  Sometimes I think it's nobel to deny myself of what I want because:

• I don't feel I'm deserving of them
• they seem superfluous (You want to be treated like a princess. Really? But you are a feminist FFS)
• I feel that my partner can't be trusted to provide what I need

So why set yourself up for disappointment?  Having expecations just leads to disaster in the end.  Or does it?  I've had relationships that fulfilled my needs, even though I didn't really know myself or what I wanted.  But now, I KNOW WHAT I NEED.  And I can easily determine if someone is able (or not able) to meet those needs.  Gawd, how selfish does this sound.  Relationships are about give and give afterall.  Well, I know what I can offer too.  I know my strengths.  Love makes you want to make your partner happy.  And yet, I still suck at relationships.

Poverty

First-hand account of what poverty truly feels like and how wrong society is to judge the poor.  I found this really heart-retching, yet so informative.

Some take-aways:

When you are poor, you have little to no hope for getting out of poverty.  Why save when you will be out of money in three days?  This really struck a chord for me because sadly am one of those who don't understand why the poor don't save.  There's little to no savings.  And really what difference does that extra bit of cash make.  Might as well enjoy life's guilty pleasures.  Savings is for the rich.

Employers of low income jobs often forbid their employees from taking on more work, to ensure they can be available for extra shifts as needed.  Again, heart-breaking.

Low income jobs pay no benefits.  I knew this, but when you stop to think about most of the poor are one pay cheque away from bankruptcy, should they get sick and need to either take time off or pay for medical treatment, it's a very sad thought.

Cooking attracts roaches.  Junk food is faster and cheaper.  Again, I was always baffled why the poor generally made such bad food choices.  Yes, fresh fruit and vege are unjustly more expensive then prepared meals, but surely there's an economical way to eat healthy?  There may be, but its not worth the effort. Working two jobs, caring for family, commuting crazy distances to get to work ... none of these make healthy eating easy.

Employers of low income jobs do not respect their employees.  The working conditions, lack of recognition, lack of trust, draconian mgmt style, lack of benefits, etc.  all of it meant to put the poor in their place -- to make them feel grateful they even have a job, so they won't ask for more.  Sickening.

there is no such thing as a stupid question

Wrong!  Most questions that my spouse asks me are in fact stupid.  And most of the time I ignore him completely.  My silence says "don't disrupt my peace with your stupid question, you should know the answer to this, I am so fed up that you would even think to ask me, you are on your own with this problem".  I would also add "I think so little of you right now". OUCH!! I didn't realize just how damaging this was until a good friend of mine was telling me how much it hurt to feel unsupported.  "Take a look in the mirror D" is all I could think. I do this in spades.  And not just with my partner too.  My silence hurts worse than words.

Time to dig a little deeper to the root of my annoyance:
1) I really admire resourcefulness:  so when someone asks me what I think is a stupid question, I lose a little bit of respect for them.  We are always trying to encourage our kids to figure things out on their own and to help themselves.  Man up! is all I want to scream.
2) I feel disrespected:  my motto is 'dont ask someone to do something you can do yourself'. "Mind getting me a fork (seeing as you are up)".  A few times is okay, but it's an easy trap to fall into.  Fine line between efficiency and laziness.
3) He's not learning the lesson:  same question over and over again is exasperating.  Does he save his intellect for the office, because I see no effort on his part to actually learn from the experience.  Again, goes back to respect.

But in all fairness, maybe he's forgotten the answer or truly wants (and respects) my opinion or wants me to be a part of the process (e.g. making dinner together).  Also, sometimes it's just quicker (and safer) to ask rather than risk failure ... and suffer the consequences of pissing me off. :-(

Better to just answer the question and shelf the feelings of annoyance.  But if still pissed, I could try gently -- yes gently reminding him that I prefer he not ask me that question because "insert reasonable reason". Practice:
Q: should I cook these together in the same over or in separate ovens?
D: I don't have an opinion on that.
  ... too bitchy, try again
D: why do you ask?
  ... answering a question with a question that basically says "why would you ask me such a stupid question", try again
D: I don't think it really matters.  By the time the lower oven heats up, the first batch will be done.  If you're not in a hurry then just wait a few extra minutes.
good answer, but I am still feeling annoyed that he asked me this, try again
D:  I'd appreciate it if you would try to figure these things out on your own rather then ask me just because I am here.  Even though I may look available, there's often a million things going on in my head and I don't like to be interrupted to answer something I think you already know the answer to or answer something you could just figure out on your own.  I feel that you don't respect my time.

Yikes.  I need to work on this.

I love to skate

Got back on the ice this year and MAN, I did not realize how much I missed it!  As soon as I started to stroke around the rink -- instant sensory overload.  The smell brought me right back, and I'm not talking about changeroom/hockey bag stink.  The unique smell of an indoor rink flooded my memory of a lifetime spent skating.  And then the wind in my hair and at my ears, the sound of the ice cutting at my feet, the damp cold of the air.  So intoxicating.  And the social -- my girls, all of us ex-figure skaters, all of us with the same shared childhood experience of loving skating.  Amazing how easily it all came back too.  Sure, I'm not jumping and now I get dizzy when I spin.  But there is so much that is still automatic for me.  Muscle memory is truly remarkable. It just felt so natural to be on the ice again.  When I see 80 year olds old there doing their thing, I can't help but smile because I know that will be me too.  I love skating!

What Drains You

I cant remember where I found this handy check-list.  Lots of sources of energy-suckers.

Relationships
____ There are people in my life who continuously drain my energy.
____ I have unreturned phone calls, e-mails, or letters that need to be handled.
____ I have an unresolved conflict with a family member.
____ I lack quality friendships in my life.
____ I feel a void in my life created by the lack of a romantic partner.
____ There is someone I need to forgive.
____ There is a relationship I need to end.
____ There is a phone call I dread making, and it causes me stress and anxiety.
____ I’m currently involved in a relationship that compromises my values.
____ I miss being part of a loving and supportive community.
Environment
____ My car is in need of cleaning and/or repair.
____ My wardrobe needs updating and/or alterations.
____ I’d like to live in a different geographic location.
____ I have appliances that need repair or upgrading.
____ My home is not decorated in a way that nurtures me.
____ My closets and/or basement are cluttered and need to be cleaned.
____ Repairs need to be done around my home or apartment.
____ My home is cluttered and disorganized.
____ I miss having more beauty reflected in my environment.
____ I watch too much television.
Body, Mind, and Spirit
____ I eat food that’s not good for me.
____ Something about my physical appearance bothers me.
____ It’s been too long since I’ve been to the dentist.
____ I do not get the sleep I need to feel fully rested.
____ I’d like to exercise regularly but never seem to find the time.
____ I have a health concern for which I’ve avoided getting help.
____ I have emotional needs that consistently go unmet.
____ There are books that I’d love to read but never seem to find the time for.
____ I lack personal interests that are intellectually stimulating.
____ I lack a spiritual or religious practice in my life.
What’s Draining You? 2
Work
____ I no longer enjoy my job and have a hard time showing up each day.
____ My work is stressful and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
____ My office is disorganized, my desk is a mess, and I have trouble finding what I need.
____ I’m avoiding a confrontation or conflict at work.
____ I tolerate bad behavior from a boss or coworker.
____ I am not computer literate, and it gets in the way of my productivity.
____ I lack the proper office equipment that I need to do my job well.
____ My work does not allow me to express my creativity.
____ I know I need to delegate specific tasks but am unable to let go of control.
____ I feel overwhelmed with the amount of information that enters my life in the form of mail,
books, magazines, and e-mail.
Money
____ I have tax returns that are not filed or taxes that are not paid.
____ I pay my bills late.
____ I spend more than I earn.
____ I don’t have a plan for my financial future.
____ My credit rating is not what I’d like it to be.
____ I do not have a regular savings plan.
____ I do not have adequate insurance coverage.
____ My mortgage rate is too high, and I need to refinance.
____ I have debt that needs to be paid off.
____ My will is not up to date.

Findability

I had the pleasure of hearing Peter Morville speak at a conference on Resource Discovery yesterday and his message really started to challenge my thinking on the role of IM.

I've been a disciple of metadata for many years.... tweak the search engine. But dont forget about the Information Architecture (IA)

Here are my take-aways:

Search is a way to learn. What we seek changes based on what we find. In our quest to optimize search we have to be careful that we do not remove the learning opportunity that search provides.

Search is not the only answer. We need to provide facetted navigation to provide context ...

In order for search to be successful:

• the best results HAVE to be first
• people expect actionable results
• auto-complete is a must
• auto-suggest, because it helps people get un-stuck
• predictability is a must, so that the next click is not a mystery

Some great examples of poor website IAs and ones that worked.  Very grateful to have seen him speak.