The Good Marriage

This is a book that was referred to in another pop-psyche book I'm reading (asside: I've got to invest in reading something different for a change). Apparently this book looked at several successful marriages to see what they had in common. The author's study found that the majority of these relationships put their union as a high priority. They treasured being married. Most also had a romantic relationship -- intense love is what kept them together. That also included lots of sex. According to this book, my relationship is more of a companionship -- lots of commonality and a strong committment to raising a family together. But we've become like brother and sister because of it. And apparently that's typical. Can we get that dose of rommance if we never had it? Not likely. Are we doomed? Time will tell, I guess.

Why Men Cheat

Big article in the Citizen this weekend on cheating. Not surprising, men cheat for sex and power. They seek what they are not getting at home. In a related article, a researcher explained that "Cheating has nothing to do with another person looking better -- it has to do with the need for feeling good". Local sex therapist Sue Mc Garvey weighed in to say that roughly "a quarter of women don’t like sex, a quarter can take it or leave it, a quarter want it a couple of times a week, and the remainder would give it once a day. That means that about half of women want sex once a month or less." Yikes, no wonder men cheat. Not fair -- lack of sex does not justify infidelity. Nothing does really. I guess what I don't get is the ignorance -- that people honestly believe that their affair will not end their marriage. Mc Garvey went on to say "Men are loyal. They will go back to the woman who has washed their underwear for the last 20 years." How could you really respect yourself if you allowed your partner to cheat? They will cheat again. I sound pretty self-righteous here. I know there are a million reasons to stay married. I just can't imagine the self loathing I'd feel living the rest of my life with a cheater. This is why I believe that "what you don't know can't hurt you". If 3/4s of men cheat then, wouldn't it'd just be a lot easier for everyone if extra-marital sex was mutually agreed upon? No dishonesty or hurt feelings. Then again, maybe just opt out of the relationship altogether and have sex with as many people as you please?

I want to hold Mommy

When my 2 year old told me this tonight, my heart melted. It's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever told me. I keep re-playing his words in my head. We love our kids regardless of how they feel about us, but being on the receiving end of their affection is a definite parenting perk. I will miss these days. I already miss never having another baby. What made today extra special was that my boy and I really bonded. We played together in the park, one-on-one. I gave him 100% of my attention and did he ever soak it up. It was difficult to ignore the other parents but I am so glad that I played with my child. I've got to do more of this before it's too late. Already my eldest is spending more time on his own or with his friends then with us. Here's my answer right here in front of me. This is how I can give back to the world.

Financial independence

A few times a year I do a financial sanity cheque to make sure we are still on target for our goals -- pay down debt as quickly as possible, live comfortably, save for the future. When it came time to renew our mortgage a few weeks ago my partner suggested upping it by $100 since he got a small raise. Sadly, I had no idea if we could afford that or not -- in fact, I have no idea how much of our income goes towards housing! So I sat down and crunched the numbers and while it would be great to be mortgage free one day, it doesn't eat away as much of our income as I thought it would. And there's no way that one of us could afford to quit our jobs when that fateful day arrives. So what does this pie chart tell me. Vacation is embarrassingly low until the kids get older. They are plenty happy doing little day trips around town, camping or weekends in Mtl -- all of which are super economical. I have not added in rainy day savings because we just drained our emergency fund to cover our solar project -- but we should start re-building it soon. I feel guilty about how little we give to charity. In fact I'm ashamed. I also feel badly that I haven't kicked my restaurant habit, eventhough I feel chained to my stove. Is there any wiggle room? Can I afford to get a housekeeper @ $240/month? FFS, I'm a Business student. I'm supposed to be good with money. Maybe I should just hand it over to my partner. He's really good at scraping pennies. He'll have us on Mr. Noodle and canned peaches in no time.

I figured it out!

With a little help :-). I think I understand the source of my relationship angst. I can't stand it when my partner talks to me like a child -- commands me to do something, demands compliance. When I tell him how this makes me feel, he defends himself with every excuse possible which makes me feel worse because he's basically telling me that my feelings don't count -- more childhood neurosis. There is no arguing with my partner -- in his mind he is rarely wrong. Feeling completely unloved and unrespected, I pull away. I am the Ice Queen for days. But it kills me inside because I don't like it when we are not getting along. The lack of any kind of affection is too much to take and finally I cave in. I apologize, we have sex and start all over again. This has been my life for the past two years. I am grateful for finally knowing exactly what it is that's pissed me off all this time. I just saved myself thousands of dollars of couples therapy! Now, how to fix it. It should be easy -- my partner has to change. WRONG ANSWER -- I cannot expect him to change. Been there with other relationships, bought the break-up t-shirt. I HAVE TO CHANGE. I have to forgive my Dad for never once considering my Mom's feelings or respecting her wishes. I have to forgive him for barking orders at us like soldiers in his platoon, for never once considering our feelings or letting us express an opposing view. I have to realize that most of us are naturally defensive when accused of a wrong-doing. I have to just accept that my partner is a defense attorney at heart and that he will not change. I should also insist that he treat me respectfully.  It's a deal breaker. Will these changes fix what's broken? Time will only tell. At least it's a start. I already feel better from just typing it.

Knowing your stuff

I know that I've really solidified my understanding of something when I can explain it to someone else -- especially someone like my Mom or my 5 year old. Better yet, is to be so confident of your understanding that you can politely challenge someone else's thinking. I was given the opportunity to present the other side to a colleague today who is fresh out of school and got all of his economic info from his professors who sing the praises of the monetary system. I was pretty psyched to expand his understanding by showing him the harsh realities of the system. But as I started to head down that path, I started stumbling. I was all over the place -- interest rates were up, inflation was up (or is that down), foreign currency was devalued (is that a good thing). After what seemed like an eternity of incoherent babbling, I resorted to useless ad hominems -- "yeah, those fat cats on wall street are assholes, there's collusion on both sides, the whole system is fucked up". Way to go D! Important lesson today -- when you're not really sure about something, just keep your mouth shut. And if you want to know more about something, then really LEARN about it -- from others who know and by reading reliable sources, not 5 min Youtube vids.

Marshall Law

What does it take for people to change their ways -- to stop trashing the earth, end poverty, defend their civil liberties, or even help one another? Forget 'people', what would make me act instead of just talk? I care. I vote. But neither affect change. Sadly, I think the majority of us need to be personally affected by something in order to make change happen. Taken to the extreme, if a national emergency were to strike and the health and safety of my family were at risk, I would damn well sure act. Marshall Law -- is that where we are headed? I hear signs of it more frequently now, thanks to my conspiracy theorist friends. I picture stock piling food, boarding up their homes and staying locked in their basements. Is it unrealistic? Why do people have to be pushed to the extreme before they'll take a stand? Why are we so glib about all of the freedom, security and luxuries we supposedly cherish? Maybe it's because we don't really care. We already have everything we need but feel compelled to want more (à la EGO), so we cling to ideals that are impossible to attain because the basics are boring.

I can't help but think of my 'ol friend Maslow again. Sometimes I feel over-privileged and out-of-touch when I hear myself go off about privacy and the right to freedom of expression when they are people who are fighting for their right to live. My cherished civil liberties are at the top of the pyramid -- they are nice to haves. They are also the first to go when survival needs are at risk. And then again, I am resentful that we cannot have one without the other -- privacy MUST be sacrificed in the name of national security. Says who? Maybe I just have to get out of this Utopian landscape I've painted for myself. Hopefully my family and I will never live to see Marshall Law. Hopefully life will get better with each passing generation. Hopefully.