The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Such a life changing book and as I re-read some of the notes I wrote 15 years ago I realize that I was too young to appreciate the significance of its teachings.  I also see how far I have to go to becoming truly authentic.  Aside from 'putting first things first' or 'seeking first to understand before wanting to be understood' -- the biggest challenge is choosing integrity.  Because with every choice I make in life, I should be asking myself "is this is where I want to get?" More often than not, the answer is no.  I do not live by the values I uphold.  And it's killing me.

Some notes on my Personal Mission Statement that I wrote in 1998:
I will honour all commitments.
I will keep promises to myself.
I will be trustworthy.
I will accept those moments of angst and cherish those opportunities to see myself honestly.
I will faithfully learn from my mistakes.
I will see the good in others and understand what motivates their behaviour.
I will be empathetic.
I will help others see the potential in themselves.
I will cease being the victim and realize that others have endured far worse.
I will believe that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Making Work, Work

More summary notes on a book that's about to go back to the library -- Making work, work.

Although written for Highly Sensitive People in particular, I feel this book has a lot of good advice to offer anyone who has a job.  The author categorizes work into Drudgery, Craft and Calling and basically says that if you are stuck in Drudgery, you will never be happy -- so get out fast.
 
Drudgery is when you hate your job.  You feel like a slave.  Common elements:
1. environment:  noisy, odors, bad lighting, tight or cluttered space, long communte
2. task:  no control (e.g. restrictions on how and when work is carried out), repetitive, boring, not challenging, no sense of accomplishment
3. people:  negative attitude toward you (from boss, co-workers, clients), bullying

Prolonged work in Drudgery will ruin your health and destroy your self-confidence.  You can't be self-actualized if you are here.  Get out asap.

Calling is meca.  It's that place where work doesn't even feel like work.  You can lose yourself in it.  It's enjoyable.  It's a part of your identify.  Just typing this brings a smile to my face.  Here are some other attributes worth mentioning:

• sense of purpose
• feeling nourished by the work
• self-confidence:  an ability to relate to everyone as an equal
• able to adapt to change
• nonthreatened
• waking up with lots of ideas
• sense of rightness and harmony
• desire to do your best and eager for challenges

While I can't say that my current job is my Calling, I certainly feel strong elements of it.  Which brings me to Craft. Craft is that in-between state, not quite bliss, but not hell either -- kind of like purgatory.  Most people are probably here.

Labelling work like this helps me look at my career more objectively.  I can see where a promising job turned into Drudgery all because of a hellish boss.  I can also see where my strong commitment and tendency to please others kept me stuck rather than getting out for the sake of my health.  This is my nature though.  It's not uncommon for people in Drudgery to have a difficult time saying no.  This is essential in order to preserve your sanity.  Too often we take on more than we can handle or accept being treated without respect because we'd loathe to hurt someone else, or we avoid conflict, don't trust our own feelings or ruminate worst-case scenarios. The author provides some great advice on setting personal boundaries such as these:

• I value myself enough to trust my feelings
• I am capable of solving my problems
• I have the right to have hope
• I respect my body, feelings and thoughts
• I have the right to say that something bothers me, right away

The best advice was simply "listen to your intuition".  I know when something is not right -- when something goes against my values.  Learning to respectfully speak up can be difficult, but it's a must.

Some other advice for bosses is worth noting for myself:

• don't try to manipulate people with kindness (yikes)
• listen to other's ideas -- don't dismiss them right away
• give people the freedom to be as creative as they possibly can in doing their jobs

Learning how to recognize when your current job is Drudgery and forcing yourself to get out is critical to your happiness.  There's really no way to turn it around if all elements (environment, task, people (people is the biggest influencer) are bad.  I'm grateful to have this new perspective and also grateful that I have such a great job.

Back Talk

I'm really frustrated with my kids whining and back talk lately.  I end up sparring with them, when I should remain calm and demand respect.

"Be sure to emphasize the message that you will not listen to what they have to say until they are able to speak to you in a calm and respectful manner."

Whatev. This is hard.  Time to draw a parallel --in the same way we taught them as toddlers that it's unacceptable to hit, we should be teaching them that it's unacceptable to be disrespectful. Period.

Remain calm.  "Remind yourself that the calmer you are and the less you let yourself be affected by sassy back talk, the more your child will learn to use positive ways to express his opinions."

I'm *trying* to apply this right now and I can see it working, a bit.  The kids are reasonable.  My BFF is very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt.  What's behind the behaviour?  I don't instinctively do this, but with practice I know I will get there.  "Keep it together"  great advice from Eddie Murphy.

Attachment

 

I don´t think much about attachment parenting these days because it´s just something we learned to do ten years ago, because it made a lot of sense to D and I.  We consciously formed a close bond with our babies by nursing, carrying them and co-sleeping so that we could easily respond to their needs.  This hopefully made them feel secure that we loved them and would not abandon them.

But recently I stumbled onto an article on how attachment affects adulthood. It´s a good reminder of why this is so important.

• Secures have a greater sense of general well-being -- they are more self-confident and more balanced and realistic in their expectations of themselves
• Under stress, secures stick to the task better -- they don´t become either highly emotional or deny the problem
• Secures are less likely to use alcohol for coping
• Secures are happier in relationships and are less distant, defensive or distressed by feeling vulnerable
• Secures are less frustrated with their partners, less ambivalent about their relationships and less jealous, clinging or fearful of abandonment
• Secures become angry less often, but they see anger as more constructive, feel better during arguments, see less hostility in their partners´ intentions and expect more positive outcomes
• Secure are more likely to see their partners as trustworthy friends and can accept their faults
• Secures are less likely to show physiological arousal when separated from their partners
• Secures are less likely to engage in sex without feeling love for their sexual partners

Well, there you have it.  I am not a Secure.
This is good information though.  I´ve done right by my kids.  I really hope this is true and that they will have great relationships because they are secure.

Rethinking Anger

 

I do not react well to outbursts of anger.  My heart starts beating fast, I tense up, I am afraid.  So rather than deal with issues, I often try to avoid the angry outburst that I might cause my partner to have.  But as I read ´The Highly Sensitive Person in Love´, it talks about ´moral anger´ which is reflective anger that is expressed when your partner has crossed the line.  For example, if you have a clear boundary (e.g. he must call when he expects to be late and he doesn't call) the anger is justified to underscore the importance of the boundary.  Otherwise you will get walked over.  I find that perspective interesting.  This is different from anger that is meant to hurt (attack, obtain victory, annihilate).
For me, I have to learn that I will give and receive anger at higher levels then I would like.  But that is okay.  I should ask my partner to express his needs and complaints without anger -- or to at least take a time out so that we can calm down.  Another tip is to try and see what´s behind the anger.  Have I crossed a boundary that I shouldn´t have?  Have I stirred a sense of shame somehow?  What does he fear right now?  Why does he need to be angry? None of this is my forte.  Good to know though.

the Highly Sensitive Child

Another great parenting book to help me navigate my way.  This one on parenting the Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) was particularly helpful for learning how to deal with my eldest.  I find we are not as close and I have less patience for what I realize now are behaviours that come from being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).  Rather than summarize the book, I made note of a few points that I need to keep in mind.  Luckily, most of the suggested parenting tips are ones I already strive for -- empathy, natural consequences, spending time with your child, respect, love.

Tendencies and Advice:

1. he notices subtleties: I'm both amazed and frustrated with this inate ability.  How wonderful it must be to be atune to and be able to appreciate SO much.  But at the same time it can lead to OCD-type behaviour, such as a need to be obsessively clean, or a fussiness for itchy fabrics.  With three kids in a busy household, I can't accomodate his desire for everything to be 'just so'.  The book suggests:

• awknowledging his discomfort (empathy) and then telling him how and when it will end.  Show respect for his response (something I don't do well), sympathy for his desired need, and my own valid reason to delay (or do nothing) (e.g. we have to use up this brand because we cannot afford to waste it).  He will grow in the ability to understand.  
• put him in charge of solving his own problems (e.g. if he's fussy with his socks then put him in charge of finding his own socks). 
• put limits on what you can be expected to do (e.g. I will tie your shoes for you up to three times, trying to follow your instructions, but after that it will have to suffice because by then I will frustrated too and won't have the time to continue).

2. he becomes easily overstimulated: Advice here is to don't let him go into a test unprepared -- talk about what could go wrong and how to handle it. Help him enjoy activities in a non-competitive environment.

3. he has stronger reactions: Advice to parents is to remain non-defensive; let him fully express his emotions (perhaps even in a private place) and be patient with him.  Admittedly, this is the hardest for me to do because I don't like strong reactions.

4. he will be cautious to proceed with new situations:  See the new situation from his perspective; point out what is familiar or what he has mastered; suggest small steps (e.g. tell him 'you don't have to talk, if you don't want to')

As a non-HSP I am likely to feel impatient because he pauses before acting. Expect that decisions in particular will be slow .... have patience!

Some other advice:

• don't make him your confidant (HSPs are great listeners)
• avoid teasing (he likely hears an undercurrent of hostility or superiority that comes with)
• ask for affection (e.g. ask "would you like a hug?") instead of demanding it; keep affection light and brief
• avoid invoking shame: feeling guilty assumes you did something wrong but that it's something you can make right; shame assumes you are bad and helpless to fix things (typical signs are hangs head, averts eyes, etc.). HSCs feel shame easily (it's self-inflicted), but they use the experience to learn -- they enjoy feeling virtuous and secure that they will never learn that kind of shame again from a similar experience
• practice gentle discipline (no punishment):  an explanation of why the behaviour is wrong should suffice; HSCs are hard enough on themselves, harsh punishment is too much to bear for most

Great advice here.  Not always easy to remember when I am in the moment.

Be good for goodness sake

I was raised to be good so that I wouldn't burn in hell.  If I stepped out of line, I knew there'd be consequences (spanking, grounding, withdraw of privliges) so I toed the line, for the most part.  But now as a parent I'm trying to raise my kids to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

It's not easy because I stay away from typical tricks -- bribes, rewards, threats and punishments because they don't teach kids self discipline. These methods teach kids to conform for fear of reprisal or because they expect some material gain from doing what's expected of them.  I won't always be there to hang something over them, nor will society.  Plus I want to learn that being a decent person is it's own reward.  So when I come across examples of using reason and logic to teach kids morals, I was blown away.  Take this example:

• To explain why cheating in school is wrong, in addition to saying that it's damaging to your character and that you can no longer look at yourself as an honest person, you could say that in the long run it's bad for everyone because grades mean less and teachers won't be able to assess who needs help and who should advance.  Ahhhhhhh.  This explanation makes perfect sense, but it's not second nature for me to think this way, especially on the spot. 

Sadly, phrases like 'Because I said so' are still in my repertoire.  Here's hoping I can start to apply this kind of reasoning to my parenting dialog!