F'ed up psyche

Some more notes from the Untethered Soul.  Our constant anxious self talk is suffering.  It's because our psyche is so messed up that we think about it so much (e.g. worry if he won't like you, or replay what we said earlier).  Interesting that we rarely think about our physical bodies; only when there's something wrong (e.g. injury, illness).  Yet with our minds constantly 'on',  our psyches must be f'ed up.  Yep.  This book says that the dysfunction comes from fear.  We've given our psyches the impossible responsibility to make the world right. 

From the book: "You said to your mind:  I want everyone to like me.  I don't want anyone to speak badly of me.  I want everything I say and do to be acceptable and pleasing to everyone.  I don't want anyone to hurt me.  I don't want anything to happen that I don't like.  And I want everything to happen that I do like."

Whoa!  talk about a tall order.  No wonder my mind won't shut up!  And so my mind gives me lots of advice on how to change external things, so that my problems can be fixed.  But the thing is, it never works.  But I keep listening.  For example, if you feel loneliness, your mind tells you that the solution is to find a relationship.  However, that does not address the root of the problem which is that you don't feel whole and complete within yourself.  And so it goes.  The way to be free of my psyche making all these demands of me is to tell it that it's job is not to try and fix all my personal problems.  It's that easy.

The Seat of Consciouness

More from the same book, the Untethered Soul.

Transcendence is the goal here.  Don't get sucked in.  Let things pass, which is not the same as resisting.  For example, I see someone looking super fit in their workout clothes and my inner voice starts up -- I wish I looked like that, WTF, why don't I look like that. I could look like that if I wasn't such a lazy, undisciplined git, oh fuck I'm pathetic for making so many excuses, etc., etc.  I work myself up into this mad frenzy over something completely stupid.  I've been sucked into my own melodrama.  Just as the super fit person passes by, so too should my pangs of jealousy pass by.  Let yourself feel the bad emotions, but let them quickly pass over you.  Don't get sucked in.

This book talks about the 'seat of consciousness'.  It's the place up high where you observe your life.  I imagine it to look like at umpire's seat at a tennis match.  As the observer you see life before you and you let yourself feel, but you stay separate from your feelings because YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS.  Feelings, like experiences are just part of being human.  I personally tend to make feelings more important than they are.  I forget that they quickly pass.  This books says that when you stay in your seat, you will feel energy come from behind you and flow through you.  I must admit I'm finding this a bit hard to grasp.  But it sounds wonderful -- the freedom of not being thought-obsessed or overcome by emotion.  Inner peace!

Last point to note is the idea of inner disturbances.  The book says that when we have something that bothers us, rather than remove it, we tend to work around it -- adjust our behaviour and circumstances to accommodate it rather than just remove it.  For example, if we have a fear of rejection we might choose to always please others before ourselves, or we might stay closed or avoid relationships altogether.  These inner disturbances are basically blocked energy from our past. They can and should be removed.  If we don't release them, we will continue to focus on them because our consciousness tends to get drawn to the most distracting object.  It's similar to bumping your toe or hearing a loud noise, it has your attention.  And this is what happens when we get sucked in and fall from our seat.  We're overcome with emotion and can't see the forest from the trees. Even worse, we start to act out (e.g. yell at someone else, take revenge, etc.) thereby affecting someone else's inner peace ... all because we haven't dealt with our issues.  Sigh. 

I think I might have to re-read some of these ideas or at least let them simmer more.  Good stuff all around!

Consciousness

I'm reading an interesting book on consciousness and it's starting to draw some simple relationships in my mind.  This is helping me understand the concepts I've heard again and again, yet haven't quite grasped.  The idea that reality is based on perception starts to make sense until I think of feedback.  When I touch a table, it feels hard, so I know that it is there.  But is it really there?  Is it just what I've come to expect.  If I didn't experience the table would it be there?  OK, NOW YOU'VE LOST ME.

So this book breaks it down nicely like I am 6 years old, starting with the voice in your head.  I personally know this voice, because it talks to me constantly.  It reminds me of stuff I need to do (e.g. don't forget to call your mom), it chastises me for things I have done (e.g. why did you jump down his throat like that before giving him a chance to speak, you are so selfish), it likes to tell me why things are the way they are (e.g. he doesn't give a shit about you, he's disrespecting you again).  This books says that the voice is not you and just because it speaks does not mean we need to listen.  The voice is there to interpret reality for us so that we can feel safer in the world.  We often pay attention because we believe that it comes from some kind of inner wisdom.  But, really it does no more than fill the air.  For one thing the voice flip flips all over the place (e.g. you should work out, but then again your knees are sore and you need to rest, but you also ate like crap today and need to burn some caolories, etc.).  Secondly,  most of what the voice is doing is complaining -- looking for problems, looking for something to be bothered by.  In fact in my case, the voice never gives anyone the benefit of the doubt (e.g. why did he not say anything?  he's ignoring me again?  he's trying to distance himself from he -- he's trying to send a fucking message, etc.).  My voice dreams up all kinds of negative explanations when most of the time there's a reasonable explanation (e.g. he was on another computer and did not see my BBM, he was on the phone, he was deep into work).
Anyways, I've just scratched the surface but I look forward to learning more about this, including how to turn the voice off!  I have a feeling that it won't be possible though.  But awareness is usually an important step for me.  It's a nice way to spend a Saturday night.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Such a life changing book and as I re-read some of the notes I wrote 15 years ago I realize that I was too young to appreciate the significance of its teachings.  I also see how far I have to go to becoming truly authentic.  Aside from 'putting first things first' or 'seeking first to understand before wanting to be understood' -- the biggest challenge is choosing integrity.  Because with every choice I make in life, I should be asking myself "is this is where I want to get?" More often than not, the answer is no.  I do not live by the values I uphold.  And it's killing me.

Some notes on my Personal Mission Statement that I wrote in 1998:
I will honour all commitments.
I will keep promises to myself.
I will be trustworthy.
I will accept those moments of angst and cherish those opportunities to see myself honestly.
I will faithfully learn from my mistakes.
I will see the good in others and understand what motivates their behaviour.
I will be empathetic.
I will help others see the potential in themselves.
I will cease being the victim and realize that others have endured far worse.
I will believe that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Making Work, Work

More summary notes on a book that's about to go back to the library -- Making work, work.

Although written for Highly Sensitive People in particular, I feel this book has a lot of good advice to offer anyone who has a job.  The author categorizes work into Drudgery, Craft and Calling and basically says that if you are stuck in Drudgery, you will never be happy -- so get out fast.
 
Drudgery is when you hate your job.  You feel like a slave.  Common elements:
1. environment:  noisy, odors, bad lighting, tight or cluttered space, long communte
2. task:  no control (e.g. restrictions on how and when work is carried out), repetitive, boring, not challenging, no sense of accomplishment
3. people:  negative attitude toward you (from boss, co-workers, clients), bullying

Prolonged work in Drudgery will ruin your health and destroy your self-confidence.  You can't be self-actualized if you are here.  Get out asap.

Calling is meca.  It's that place where work doesn't even feel like work.  You can lose yourself in it.  It's enjoyable.  It's a part of your identify.  Just typing this brings a smile to my face.  Here are some other attributes worth mentioning:

• sense of purpose
• feeling nourished by the work
• self-confidence:  an ability to relate to everyone as an equal
• able to adapt to change
• nonthreatened
• waking up with lots of ideas
• sense of rightness and harmony
• desire to do your best and eager for challenges

While I can't say that my current job is my Calling, I certainly feel strong elements of it.  Which brings me to Craft. Craft is that in-between state, not quite bliss, but not hell either -- kind of like purgatory.  Most people are probably here.

Labelling work like this helps me look at my career more objectively.  I can see where a promising job turned into Drudgery all because of a hellish boss.  I can also see where my strong commitment and tendency to please others kept me stuck rather than getting out for the sake of my health.  This is my nature though.  It's not uncommon for people in Drudgery to have a difficult time saying no.  This is essential in order to preserve your sanity.  Too often we take on more than we can handle or accept being treated without respect because we'd loathe to hurt someone else, or we avoid conflict, don't trust our own feelings or ruminate worst-case scenarios. The author provides some great advice on setting personal boundaries such as these:

• I value myself enough to trust my feelings
• I am capable of solving my problems
• I have the right to have hope
• I respect my body, feelings and thoughts
• I have the right to say that something bothers me, right away

The best advice was simply "listen to your intuition".  I know when something is not right -- when something goes against my values.  Learning to respectfully speak up can be difficult, but it's a must.

Some other advice for bosses is worth noting for myself:

• don't try to manipulate people with kindness (yikes)
• listen to other's ideas -- don't dismiss them right away
• give people the freedom to be as creative as they possibly can in doing their jobs

Learning how to recognize when your current job is Drudgery and forcing yourself to get out is critical to your happiness.  There's really no way to turn it around if all elements (environment, task, people (people is the biggest influencer) are bad.  I'm grateful to have this new perspective and also grateful that I have such a great job.

Back Talk

I'm really frustrated with my kids whining and back talk lately.  I end up sparring with them, when I should remain calm and demand respect.

"Be sure to emphasize the message that you will not listen to what they have to say until they are able to speak to you in a calm and respectful manner."

Whatev. This is hard.  Time to draw a parallel --in the same way we taught them as toddlers that it's unacceptable to hit, we should be teaching them that it's unacceptable to be disrespectful. Period.

Remain calm.  "Remind yourself that the calmer you are and the less you let yourself be affected by sassy back talk, the more your child will learn to use positive ways to express his opinions."

I'm *trying* to apply this right now and I can see it working, a bit.  The kids are reasonable.  My BFF is very good at giving people the benefit of the doubt.  What's behind the behaviour?  I don't instinctively do this, but with practice I know I will get there.  "Keep it together"  great advice from Eddie Murphy.

Attachment

 

I don´t think much about attachment parenting these days because it´s just something we learned to do ten years ago, because it made a lot of sense to D and I.  We consciously formed a close bond with our babies by nursing, carrying them and co-sleeping so that we could easily respond to their needs.  This hopefully made them feel secure that we loved them and would not abandon them.

But recently I stumbled onto an article on how attachment affects adulthood. It´s a good reminder of why this is so important.

• Secures have a greater sense of general well-being -- they are more self-confident and more balanced and realistic in their expectations of themselves
• Under stress, secures stick to the task better -- they don´t become either highly emotional or deny the problem
• Secures are less likely to use alcohol for coping
• Secures are happier in relationships and are less distant, defensive or distressed by feeling vulnerable
• Secures are less frustrated with their partners, less ambivalent about their relationships and less jealous, clinging or fearful of abandonment
• Secures become angry less often, but they see anger as more constructive, feel better during arguments, see less hostility in their partners´ intentions and expect more positive outcomes
• Secure are more likely to see their partners as trustworthy friends and can accept their faults
• Secures are less likely to show physiological arousal when separated from their partners
• Secures are less likely to engage in sex without feeling love for their sexual partners

Well, there you have it.  I am not a Secure.
This is good information though.  I´ve done right by my kids.  I really hope this is true and that they will have great relationships because they are secure.