Monday, June 18, 2012

True Love

I attended Mass today only because I knew it would make D happy. Even though he's accepted my decision to refrain from church, I know it pains him to go without me. Usually it's a complete waste of time and I spend the entire time wishing that I was anywhere else, hence the reason I stopped going. But today, I read a little passage that caught my interest. It was the prelude to the missal, about love, written by a parishioner. We're told to love one another which is beautifully simple -- just open your heart and love. But in reality it's much harder because of all the BS (I'm editorializing here). If we took a page out of Hollywood, we'd take from our partners what we need to feel good and leave after the warm feelings wear off. True love is about sticking it out. It's about giving. You give of yourself unconditionally without thinking of your own feelings. It's the beginnings of laying one's life down for another ...

Of course the passage went on to talk about the requirement to love God before you can truly love another human being, blah, blah, blah. It's the first part that really struck me. Giving. I don't give without expecting something in return. Even from my kids -- I expect compliance. I expect that they will grow up to be decent people as long as I love them and parent them as well as I can.

This idea of giving without resentment is humbling. I know someone like this. He gives because he loves his wife immensely. It's the real thing.

I don't dig deep and give all of myself. I hold back. I'm not sure why I do this. I'm not sure that I can be this giving person who expresses her love unconditionally either. But I would like to be her. Some small attitude shifts may be all that it takes. It starts with expectation. Don't expect anything in return. Giving.

Monday, June 11, 2012


I attended a mini-conference of CIOs in the federal government today and was utterly disappointed.  TED talks have ruined me.  When I hear our leaders speak, I expect to learn and be inspired.  Instead, it was the same old talk -- nothing new, nothing concrete. Then again, it is what it is.  I crave innovation.  I want to marvel at a great idea.  I want to appreciate a fascinating breakthrough.  I think that I am done with IM.  I think I'm done with a lot of things that disappoint of late.  This time I'm serious about changing.  Find your passion D.

Monday, June 4, 2012


I know I've been watching too much porn lately when it starts to get on my nerves. It's a fine line between getting turned on by other people enjoying sex and resenting the continuous parade of beautiful young women who are the object of millions of men's fantasies.  I begrudge my partner for being a man -- a normal virile man.  And it's ridiculous.  Watching porn does not make you love and appreciate your partner any less.  Men will always fantasize about sex with other women.  Porn just makes it easier.  A good friend of mine helped me straighten that out today.  Porn is not what's bothering me.  What's bothering me is aging.  This is new for me because I've always pretty much looked the same.  In my mind, I am forever 25.  But lately I see laugh lines, crow's feet, sagging breasts, grey hair.  I don't see me. The woman in the mirror is still beautiful, but her physical beauty is dying.  I am finally here.   Thank you empathy.  But it makes me sad.  And I feel completely ridiculous and narcissistic for worrying about aging FFS.  But it's a concern nonetheless.  My partner tells me that he still sees the hot 27 year old he fell in love with.  This is no consolation though because I want him to see me as I am right this very minute.  I am not the same person, I am better.  But who am I kidding?  As far as physical beauty goes, it's all downhill from now.  I want to be the strong and secure woman that accepts aging with dignity, not the insecure woman who fights it in desperation. Everyday life makes so many chinks in our self esteem armour and now I have THIS to contend with. At least I am not alone.  Power to my greying sisters!