You have a big heart

Really? A friend of mine told me this today and she's someone whose opinion I trust. WTF though. No one has ever said that about me. Ever. In fact I don't think of myself as someone who has a lot of empathy and cares about other people's feelings. But I guess my desire to be more like this is finally starting to work? Even though it was shocking, it was nice to hear. Wow, I have a big heart. ♥

I'll Give You Something to Cry About

My kid's crying and whining annoy me to no end. But I think it's my own poor response that bothers me more than the actual crying. Gentle Discipline Colorosso D is no where to be found once the crying starts. I am so desperate for it to stop, that I forget to be empathetic and comforting. Instead I accuse them of being overly sensitive and shout at them to ´quit their crying´ followed by numerous other threats and pleas.

So, I know it's wrong. How can I learn to deal with the waterworks better? Get to the root cause of the problem -- ask questions and gently guide them to see that what they are crying about is really no big deal. The most important part is that they need to reach their own conclusion -- telling them that they are crying over nothing obviously doesn't work -- it invalidates their feelings. And nobody wants their feelings invalidated, no matter how idiotic they may seem. It tells children that they should hide how they feel and pretend to be happy to please mommy. Ugh! K, back to the solution. EMPATHY once again -- listen, pause, let them tell you what's wrong. Wait for them to calm down, hold them, give their feelings a name, hugs, got it.

Just thinking about my own childhood should be enough motivation to make me want to get this right. "up, up, up" -- what my old man would say to us between our sobs while waving the back of his hand in our faces to get us to stop crying. Anything I do will be an improvement from this! Alright, I'm ready -- bring on the tears my babies, Mommy's here for you.

You're Just Saying That!

I often find myself recoiling when my partner pays me a compliment. I accuse him just wanting me for sex. I hate feeling objectified and his horniness really cramps my desire for him. Of course he's been accused of this so many times now that it's no wonder he doesn't pursue me anymore.

I'm starting to have empathy for his position. "All you want is sex". Yes! He wants sex. Guess what, he's a virile male. And he happens to want sex with ME, the love of his life no doubt. So what's the big deal? Why am I punishing him for wanting what's natural?

I forget what sex means to him. It allows him to feel the LOVE. As archaic as this sounds, it's true. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, being tender, giving me the affection I crave. He can't tap into any of this unless he's feeling the LOVE. And that begins and ends with sex. I notice it almost immediately -- after a roll in the hay, he gives more of himself, has more patience with the kids, is more agreeable. He's just easier to live with. And so am I! It's the only way to release the stresses of the day. I admit it, I'm also an Alpha Male and I need sex as badly as my partner. So I'm going to stop making him feel dirty for wanting it. We are married after all. Guilt-free sex is part of the reason we did this. Let's just enjoy it. More.

Empathy redux

Another phenomenal parenting book, How To Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk has me thinking about EMPATHY ... again.

The books says that kids just want to be understood. Too often we parents dismiss their feelings and try to move them beyond their anger, disappointment, etc. rather than show that we understand and care about how they feel. Hell, this is true for everyone! I think we jump so quickly into fix-it mode that we forget about the importance of stepping into someone else's shoes. Personally, I'm also hesitant to give credence to emotions that I don't agree with. This is a major area that needs improvement for me. Just thinking about how frustrating it feels to be told that I'm 'over-reacting' or that 'I really shouldn't feel that way' is a good reminder to stop and FEEL.

So I tried it the other day with my daughter and it WORKED! Holy shit did it work! Here's how it went: She put on her favourite yellow sundress that is now too short for her and when we asked her to choose something else, she immediately refused. No amount of coaxing or explaining worked. We even tried to give her a choice -- find another dress or put on shorts with the yellow dress. Complete impasse. So I went in with empathy -- "It's sad when you outgrow your favourite dresses and have to say good-bye to them." "This yellow dress is one of your favourites and you love wearing it." Instant waterworks. We cuddled for a bit and then I told her that I felt the same way about putting her baby clothes away. My son even chimed in about a favourite monster shirt that he was sad about outgrowing. After all the tears were dry I left it alone for a few minutes and then asked her what her decision was. She looked at me and said "mommy, I think I'll find another dress to wear". OMG!

On another note, I find it so heart-warming that my daughter's favourite dress is yellow. Back in 1998 I was at an all-time low point, recovering from a broken heart. I decided that Spring to take a sewing course to get out of the apartment and to also learn to use the sewing machine his parents had bought me (I was at least wise enough to keep the $200 gift). Our project was to sew a little girls dress, which brought me to more tears because I felt like all the hopes and dreams for my future had been smashed to bits. But before long I started to enjoy not thinking about my sadness. I had fun sewing (and re-sewing because I absolutely suck at sewing) my cute yellow sun dress. It became a symbol of hope and I tucked it away for a brighter day which eventually came.

Now, back to empathy. The parenting book I read offers some helpful advice on how to start:
1) listen
2) acknowledge (it sounds lame, but throw in a few "I see", "Oh", "mmmmm"s)
3) give the feeling a name (e.g. that sounds frustrating)
4) give them their wishes in fantasy (e.g. you wish you could wear your favourite dress forever and ever)

As an added bonus, I've noticed that when I try to accept my child's feelings they become less annoying and I want less to dismiss them. I'm so excited about this working in my relationships that I find myself practicing all the time. I'm even trying it out with my partner and my mother. Let's hope it continues to work!

More on empathy

I've got to return a great parenting book that I borrowed, Siblings Without Rivalry, so I'll pull out some of the best parts in my next few posts.

Empathy is the ultimate challenge for me. For some people, the Rare Gems (RGs) I like to call them (which was incidentally the name of my secret girls club when I was 10 until my girl friend's brother started calling us the 'Retarded Girls') ... back on track ... my precious RGs are naturally empathetic. They can feel another person's burden, they feel before acting, they're just in tune with the whole picture. WOW! I'm at the opposite of the spectrum -- too caught up in my own emotions and perception. It's really too bad because I think a little empathy would go very far in improving my relationships.

Everyone needs to feel listened to, especially when it comes to expressing negative emotions. Anytime I've read stuff on making sure that your home is a place where your family are free to express their feelings, I'm never sure what is meant by that. Of course we express our feelings -- there's tons of emotionalism around here! Then again, sometimes my partner and I just want to shut the kids up -- "just ignore it", "don't be ridiculous", "stop being so sensitive". Here's a good example from the book:
older child tells parent "you're always with the baby". Instead of defending your position by saying "No, didn't I just read to you?", it's better to put the feelings into words "You don't like my spending so much time with him." Here's another one:
child complains to parent "he does it on purpose -- he only burps when I'm around" Instead of saying "big deal", try "You feel he does it just to irritate you."

JESUS! I can't do this! I'm not a shrink. OMG -- neither of us speak this way. It's painful to even type this out. But I can see how powerful it is. Listen and feel. It doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with your child's emotions. Simply showing them that you understand is enough. I'm going to try this, especially with my middle child.