Riding the wave of depression

Every once in a while I get really down on my life.  Everything seems hopeless and all I want is to escape.  But there is no escape, not without serious life-altering consequences.  And franckly it's not just about me anymore.  Plus, no matter what you think you are escaping from, it's still always with you.  Because really my problems will always be in my head.  It's nobody else's fault but my own. 
Thankfully I know that when I feel like I'm on the brink of fleeing, it's just temporary -- I'm at the lowest low of my emotional wave.  Tomorrow is always brighter.  And indeed as I type this today, I can say that it has passed.  I got my little escape from reality last night and I am grateful for it.  Of course my mood has a profound effect on my loved ones who can't understand why Mommy never smiles or why she's so cold to Papa.  This I have to work at.

Depressed

A friend of mine who is clinically depressed told me that he's going through a particularly bad bout of depression lately. It was so bad the other night that he couldn't get suicidal thoughts out of his head. Hearing him say that scared the shit out of me. Don't do it! Was all I could say. How comforting is that for someone who sees no other way out of the darkness. I was completely sympathetic, knowing full well how unbearably hopeless it can feel. And then part of me was angry that he laid that on me. I have a hard enough time dealing with my own neurosis. I don't even know him well enough to understand what's causing his pain. And frankly it's not my responsibility. But then we owe it to each other to be there during the tough times. Friendships aren't all sunshine and rainbows afterall. Thankfully he appears to be on the mend. Here's hoping that the next time the wave of depression smacks him down, I'll be better able to throw him a line.

Hormonal Hell

I feel like I'm 12 again because it's the first time in a long time that I'm tracking my menstrual cycle -- not because I want to get pregnant, but so that I can better understand how hormones are affecting my mood. I also feel obliged to warn my partner. Today was a crazy day. It started out with a bang -- I awoke from the happiest dream and everything at work was perfect. But then I started to cramp up. By the end of the day I felt anxious and annoyed, let-down, tired and depressed. While everyone was getting dinner ready, I was sitting in the dark in my closet for nearly half an hour. What is wrong with me? And then I checked my calendar. So I took some ibuprofen, did some yoga, pigged out on chocolate and put on some Glee and now I feel much better. I wish I was more body-aware like my partner. What's causing these waves of depression? My circumstances, thoughts, hormones or all of the above.
Another factor could very well be the universe. A friend of mine noticed that she and I were having problems communicating recently. I had noticed as well, but could not explain it. In fact all my relationships were strained. And then she told me that Mercury was in retrograde. It happens three times a year and affects some people quite severely. I know very little about Astrology, but from what I've read this period is marked by personal misunderstandings flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications and negotiations. By Aug 23, I was supposedly back to normal. It won't be back again until Nov. 24th -- will be interesting to see if I am causing the behaviour because of my knowledge of the retrograde or if the retrograde provokes the change.
Well, good thing about tonight is that I put on a brave face (after I got out of the closet) and talked myself out of my darkness. Here's hoping that tomorrow is brighter. xx

Women are like waves

I'm paying a lot more attention to my mood meter these days. Are there more good days than bad? Do the things that usually bring me happiness still make me happy? When was the last time I laughed? It's a good idea to take note of the highs and lows. So far, I think there are more good days than bad. I won't blog about Aunt Flo, but I'm starting to finally chart all of this so that I can better anticipate my moods -- I underestimate the role that hormones play. I know it's geeky to do, but probably not uncommon -- I recall an old colleague once having a PMS calendar to keep track of his co-workers moods!

Mars and Venus talks about how women are like waves. When our love tanks are full and we feel good about ourselves, we have plenty of love to give and we are more accepting and forgiving. We reach a peak and then out of no where, start to descend. It's not until we hit rock bottom that we can rise up and return to our normal loving selves. If we've suppressed negative feelings or denied ourselves in order to be more loving on the upswing, the negativity will come back ten fold on the down swing. I instinctively don't like how bleak this sounds nor do I appreciate how it generalizes all women. However, there may be some truth to this wave concept. The book goes on to say that men are often baffled by the lows, especially when circumstances haven't really changed. It recommends that women need even more love and support at these times -- they need to talk about their problems and feel like that are heard and understood in order to feel better. Yes, behind every good woman is a good man. Here it is again -- I can't help but think of a couple of my single friends who would thrive if they just had the love and support they so desperately need. Part of me even feels I should be the one to give it to them :P.

I think my partner is finally starting to get it! He used to start in on me --"I can't understand why you are so upset?" "You are really over-reacting" "Why do you let that bother you so much". It's words like these that make us grateful for having our mothers, sisters and girlfriends for support. Thankfully he's learning how to step in and be my shoulder to cry on. No judgement, no advice, just empathy.