Intuitive Eating

Unfortunately I rushed through this book because it was overdue, but I think I caught the just of it. In order to return to your inborn instincts to eat only what your body needs, you have to de-program all of your learned eating habits. You know the ones -- depriving our bodies, feeling unnecessary guilt over food choices and binge eating to avoid the guilt. Some of the principles were helpful:

1. Respect your hunger - don't eat a PB&J sandwich on the way to a nice restaurant meal. Let food satisfy your hunger. I do this -- stuff my face with crappy snacks so that by the time I eat dinner I'm already full and the food doesn't taste good because I am not hungry.

2. Respect your body. My body houses my spirit and mind. It's here for the long term to carry me through life. Rather than focus on imperfections, respect what my body has done for me. For example, take my feet -- they are dry and calloused and tired looking. But look at how many kilometers I've run!

3. Separate exercise from diet. Moving my body is good for my health. I've got to stop thinking of exercise as punishment for poor eating. I also have to realize that exercise can still be enjoyable even when I'm in poor shape. I'm improving my strength, flexibility, coordination, balance and cardio. Weight loss should not be my motivation to exercise.

4. Don't make food my enemy. When we make certain foods 'forbidden' we end up craving them more. We satiate our desire with something else, but it never satisfies because we still crave what is forbidden. So we cave, binge and then hate ourselves afterwards. This example was memorable -- if you offer free pizza to some college kids everyday they'll initially be excited but by the 20th day they won't want to ever look at pizza again. If I allow myself to be habituated to 'forbidden' foods I might find that I don't want them as much as I think I do.

5. Satisfy your desires. Think about what you really want to eat -- sweet, salty, crunchy, smooth, chewy, crispy, saucy, etc. Don't just eat because you have to, but eat what you really want to eat. This one is tough. I tried it yesterday -- one donut and two brownies is what happened. It's going to take some de-programming, but the idea here is that if you allow yourself to eat what you want, you will end up choosing what your body needs. You will make healthy choices.

6. Feel your fullness. In an ideal world we would not eat for emotional reasons, we would not eat to avoid wasting food, we would not eat out of bordem. As with anything, taking a few minutes to be aware will guide your behaviour.

If you can't see yourself doing this for the rest of your life, then the weight is going to come right back.

*Sigh* My plan to abstain for dessert until I reach my weight goal is really pointless. Because permanent lifestyle changes are the only way to get a hold of your weight. *Sigh* The bright side is that abstaining for a few days has shown me that:

I do have self-discipline (way down deep)

I snack on sweets way too often ... sugar addiction, perhaps?

I will appreciate dessert more once I finally let myself indulge

Dry periods are a good thing for me. However, it's more bipolar than healthy. I do not want my life to be a constant yo-yo. In addition to these tips that are still not entrenched, here are some other strategies I was reminded of today:

 

1. close the cupboard: I reach for little handfuls of snacks all the time without even thinking that they do in fact COUNT. Just walk away. It's difficult the first few times, but each one is a victory for self discipline.

2. say no to treats that are not 'splurge worthy': Sometimes I'll eat a dessert because it's just there, not because I really like it; the dollop of whip cream on my dessert that my MIL always offers me is not worth the extra calories -- save it for something heavenly.

 

3. keep checking to see if you are full: I don't do this. To stop eating when you are full would surely nix my eating problems. Even if I remember to do this 10% of the time, it's a great start.

I know what I should be doing, but can't seem to do more than bitch or blog about it. I guess if it was that important to me, I'd make it a priority.  Not yet there.

Deprivation

Yesterday morning I turned down a glorious Cora's breakfast for the second time in three weeks and MAN, I still feel sorry for myself. I used to love eating out -- someone eles's cooking is always better than my own, and I'm not a bad cook! Of course that's because restaurants really pile on the fat and salt, which I can't bring myself to do at home. So who are all those skinny ppl dining out? Are they closet bulimics? Do they hit the gym for two hours afterwards? Surely they can't all be blessed with high metabolism?

I've *TRIED* to order from the healthy options -- Cora's does sell yogurt, fruit, plain toast after all. But COME ON! When everyone else around me is basking in buttery syrupy heaven, how can I stay strong? My Mom says that I have to accept that there are some foods I will never eat again. I remember a colleague who used to eat a tuna sandwich and orange for lunch, EVERY SINGLE DAY. She said that it was the only way she could stay thin -- she didn't have to worry about what was going to keep her lean, she had already figured it out and just stuck to the list. I know this will not work for me. I crave variety and bore easily.

Like the alcoholic who can't keep booze in the cupboard, I too cannot be near bad food. I polished off an entire large bag of decadent cc cookies last week. Initially bought for my partner and the kids, my partner didn't even realize they were in the house. When I tried to get him to eat them so that I wouldn't be able too, he said he "was full". WTF? "There's always room for dessert"is my motto.

Emotional eating is the culprit. I don't eat because I am hungry. I eat when I am stressed, sad, upset, depressed. Like right now -- so much change in my life and I am having a hard time coping. I also reward myself with dessert -- any excuse will do really.

If I want to conquer my eating problem, I'm going to have to dig deep to the source of my emotional pain, UGH... or at least find a different coping mechanism? K -- I did the impossible and changed my exercise habits, I can beat my poor eating habits too. Negative self talk will never help me achieve my goal. This demon is going down! BOOYEAH!!

The object of his desires

I'll admit, I was looking forward to seeing the look of shock on my colleagues faces upon seeing my new body. I was quite the pregnant heifer last time most people saw me at the office over a year ago. Plus, my shallow side quite likes the attention. Most people have been really positive -- "you look great D, nice to have you back." Thank you! What I wasn't prepared for was the leering -- "Wow, you look soooo good. I don't think I've ever seen you with your hair this long. I can't get over your LEGS. I'm amazed by how fantastic you look." K, the first few minutes made me blush. I'm not used to getting ogled by men. Then again, if I didn't want people to notice me, then why did I dress office-slut this week? Now, it's starting to annoy me. K, enough. I'm still me you loser! Get a grip. This is creeping me out.

I can see why men are easily frustrated. How many times have I heard my partner tell me: "you complain when I don't notice and when I do you accuse me of just wanting sex". Yes, this is true. What I want is subtlety. Check me out, but don't leer. Tell me I look great, but don't heap on the compliments. Flash me a smile that says "lookin' good, good lookin'", but don't drool.

I'm ready for the novelty to wear off. Let's just move past it. I also feel enormous pressure to keep this up -- I've had double cream in my coffee, greasy muffins, and even beer at work and the week is not done. I'm also anxious for people to see the new me on the inside. Patience D, this will take time. I have to SHOW them that I am more empathetic, nicer, calmer, accepting -- I can't just TELL them so.

The 'coming out' has been fun, but please, more than anything, just let me go back to being one of the guys.

Fat Me

I'm about to return to work and am deathly scared that I'll gain back all the weight I worked so hard to lose. I hate fat me. She's insecure, jealous, negative, lethargic and downright impossible to live with. I cannot let myself get fat. I CANNOT. That should be good enough motivation to stay healthy. But then there's food. Oh, glorious food! Greasy muffins, pastries, chocolate bars downstairs calling my name. If I could just throw myself into my job, I might have a chance at avoiding temptation. But that's not likely to happen because my job sucks ass!

So why am I eating all the time? Emotional eating? Boredom? Cravings? WTF! The extra calorie burning boost from nursing is on its way out. I'm also riding that old familiar wave of depression again, which means my sugar cravings are out of control. I wish eating was not my nemesis. My Mom says that I have to make eating my new religion -- do something like counting calories, cutting out sugar or portion-control. Otherwise, I'll be back to fat me before XMas.

Here's what I'll have to do if I have a prayer at keeping the lard at bay:

bring my own lunch and healthy snacks (I've done this maybe 4 times in the past 4 years)
take a break that does not involve food (I've never done this)
weigh myself regularly (works when I'm eating well and exercising, not so well when I am off the wagon and afraid of the scale)
keep exercising (sadly it's been a steady decline since the Race and will only get worse once I am back to work - yikes!)

My sister also warned me that my new body will likely be met with contempt by some of the woman in my office. *Sigh* I know this to be true because I AM one of those women who cannot get past her own jealousy when she is not fit. Remember how badly I reacted to my sister's weight loss? Fucking karma.

I fear that dwelling on this will make it come true (the law of attraction, once again). It's like I'm thin on the outside and fat on the inside! Look at this pic of me, taken only three years ago. I remember at the time thinking that I looked okay at my brother's wedding. What a fatty-bomba-latty I was! Thankfully I have a new physique, although I still can't get used to how much my little boobs sag now -- I hear fat grafting breast augmentation is now possible...

Never again.