Friday, July 30, 2010

Fat Me

I'm about to return to work and am deathly scared that I'll gain back all the weight I worked so hard to lose. I hate fat me. She's insecure, jealous, negative, lethargic and downright impossible to live with. I cannot let myself get fat. I CANNOT. That should be good enough motivation to stay healthy. But then there's food. Oh, glorious food! Greasy muffins, pastries, chocolate bars downstairs calling my name. If I could just throw myself into my job, I might have a chance at avoiding temptation. But that's not likely to happen because my job sucks ass!

So why am I eating all the time? Emotional eating? Boredom? Cravings? WTF! The extra calorie burning boost from nursing is on its way out. I'm also riding that old familiar wave of depression again, which means my sugar cravings are out of control. I wish eating was not my nemesis. My Mom says that I have to make eating my new religion -- do something like counting calories, cutting out sugar or portion-control. Otherwise, I'll be back to fat me before XMas.

Here's what I'll have to do if I have a prayer at keeping the lard at bay:

bring my own lunch and healthy snacks (I've done this maybe 4 times in the past 4 years)
take a break that does not involve food (I've never done this)
weigh myself regularly (works when I'm eating well and exercising, not so well when I am off the wagon and afraid of the scale)
keep exercising (sadly it's been a steady decline since the Race and will only get worse once I am back to work - yikes!)

My sister also warned me that my new body will likely be met with contempt by some of the woman in my office. *Sigh* I know this to be true because I AM one of those women who cannot get past her own jealousy when she is not fit. Remember how badly I reacted to my sister's weight loss? Fucking karma.

I fear that dwelling on this will make it come true (the law of attraction, once again). It's like I'm thin on the outside and fat on the inside! Look at this pic of me, taken only three years ago. I remember at the time thinking that I looked okay at my brother's wedding. What a fatty-bomba-latty I was! Thankfully I have a new physique, although I still can't get used to how much my little boobs sag now -- I hear fat grafting breast augmentation is now possible...

Never again.


  1. ugh. I can sooooo relate! When the fat started coming back on after a year of nursing, I didn't pay attention, what's a little pound here and there? Next thing I knew, back to my fat weight. I was and still am so pissed at myself! All I had to do was MAINTAIN!! I didn't even have to lose anything! So now I'm stuck at almost 40 yrs old having to lose about 20 lbs. It sucks ass. And my motivation is in the toilet. AND and. It's a vicious circle... you eat junk, it makes you feel physically and emotionally like shit, which gives you no energy to climb out of this abyss you've created, and on and on it goes.

    I think you're mom may be right, making food a religion may be a good idea, at least in the short-term until food habits are somewhat under control. I dunno. *sigh*

  2. PS> holy crap you look AWESOME in that pic!!!!!!!!!! Are those ABS?! JEALOUS!!!!!!!

  3. thanks Steph, I was trying hard to flex all muscles in my body which is why I cropped out my face (flexed facial muscles are not attractive)
    All I think about is food. I've gained 5 lbs in 3 weeks and like you said, it just creeps up on you and beforelong I'm hating myself for letting it happen again! I'll let you know what I come up with re food habits. We know what we're 'supposed to do' ... making it happen is the hard part.