What Drains You

I cant remember where I found this handy check-list.  Lots of sources of energy-suckers.

Relationships
____ There are people in my life who continuously drain my energy.
____ I have unreturned phone calls, e-mails, or letters that need to be handled.
____ I have an unresolved conflict with a family member.
____ I lack quality friendships in my life.
____ I feel a void in my life created by the lack of a romantic partner.
____ There is someone I need to forgive.
____ There is a relationship I need to end.
____ There is a phone call I dread making, and it causes me stress and anxiety.
____ I’m currently involved in a relationship that compromises my values.
____ I miss being part of a loving and supportive community.
Environment
____ My car is in need of cleaning and/or repair.
____ My wardrobe needs updating and/or alterations.
____ I’d like to live in a different geographic location.
____ I have appliances that need repair or upgrading.
____ My home is not decorated in a way that nurtures me.
____ My closets and/or basement are cluttered and need to be cleaned.
____ Repairs need to be done around my home or apartment.
____ My home is cluttered and disorganized.
____ I miss having more beauty reflected in my environment.
____ I watch too much television.
Body, Mind, and Spirit
____ I eat food that’s not good for me.
____ Something about my physical appearance bothers me.
____ It’s been too long since I’ve been to the dentist.
____ I do not get the sleep I need to feel fully rested.
____ I’d like to exercise regularly but never seem to find the time.
____ I have a health concern for which I’ve avoided getting help.
____ I have emotional needs that consistently go unmet.
____ There are books that I’d love to read but never seem to find the time for.
____ I lack personal interests that are intellectually stimulating.
____ I lack a spiritual or religious practice in my life.
What’s Draining You? 2
Work
____ I no longer enjoy my job and have a hard time showing up each day.
____ My work is stressful and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day.
____ My office is disorganized, my desk is a mess, and I have trouble finding what I need.
____ I’m avoiding a confrontation or conflict at work.
____ I tolerate bad behavior from a boss or coworker.
____ I am not computer literate, and it gets in the way of my productivity.
____ I lack the proper office equipment that I need to do my job well.
____ My work does not allow me to express my creativity.
____ I know I need to delegate specific tasks but am unable to let go of control.
____ I feel overwhelmed with the amount of information that enters my life in the form of mail,
books, magazines, and e-mail.
Money
____ I have tax returns that are not filed or taxes that are not paid.
____ I pay my bills late.
____ I spend more than I earn.
____ I don’t have a plan for my financial future.
____ My credit rating is not what I’d like it to be.
____ I do not have a regular savings plan.
____ I do not have adequate insurance coverage.
____ My mortgage rate is too high, and I need to refinance.
____ I have debt that needs to be paid off.
____ My will is not up to date.

Compulsion to buy

From an interesting CBC documentary on habits, ask yourself 6 questions before you buy something:

Why am I here?
How do I feel?
Do I need this?
What if I wait?
How will I pay for it?
Where will I put it?

Brilliant.  I know that if I did that every time that I shopped, I would not own even 10% of all the stuff I currently have.

Taking the rewards out of education

Another enlightening talk with Alfie Cohn on CBC Radio's Ontario Today.  This time the discussion was about taking awards (sports trophies, honour roll) out of schools.  I couldn't agree more.  He presented several compelling reasons why these hurt our children's education.  When we offer rewards:

• we are saying that in order to excel, you have to do so at the detriment of your peers; why can't more than one person learn?
• we see each other as adversaries: it becomes very difficult to cooperate, learn from each other, develop empathy and form a connection
• we begin to see the task as a means to an end instead of getting the most out of the experience
• children try to secure a win by choosing an easier task rather than push themselves to learn more.
• we create children who become addicted to praise.
• we don't see the task as 'fun' if we loose

I also really like this point that Alfie Cohn made:  praise and awards are not feedback, they are judgements.  Children need an engaged curriculum in a learning-centered environment.  Instead of passively listening to lectures, and filling out worksheets, they need to be given context and purpose as well as an opportunity to explore and lead.

A lot of people are angered by his viewpoint.  They claim that the world is competitive -- in the workplace and even in nature.  Competition motivates people to achieve.  The speaker's rebuttal was that in fact nature is a lot more cooperative than we think because unfortunately our view of nature is biased -- it's based on what's fed to us through the media.  Animals cooperate so that there is enough for everyone.  However this does not make for good TV.  Alfie Cohn also said that competitiveness is not the same as excellence, which is a very good point because many believe they are synonymous.

I don't feel good about delving out praise and commenting on my children's achievements.  I feel that it takes away from their moment and how they might feel about it.  I want them to be intrinsically motivated as well because I won't always be there to offer up an external prize.  The world does not owe them anything. Yet there a lot of people who are accustomed to praise and expect their partners and bosses to continue what their parents and teachers started.  I defintely don't want my kids to end up being attention-seekers or praise-junkies. It's a terrible feeling, to have your self-worth defined by someone else's opinion of you.

Mental Strength

Some good reminders in this self-improvement article on mental toughness -- got me thinking how I fare.  I think that I've come a long way and I'm quite aware of where I need to improve.

1. Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself: I admittedly do this a little bit, but it's short-lived because I know that it is a waste of time.  Luckily I can easily catch myself doing it and quickly remember that I SO MUCH to be grateful for.

2. Don't give away your power: it's easy to blame a situation or person for my bad mood, but again I can usually work myself out of this by realizing that I am choosing my behaviour.

3. Don't shy away from change: got it -- change 101: if I can see the benefit of the change to me and my family, then I'm usually comfortable with change

4. Don't waste energy on things you can't change: Hmmm.  K, I suck at this.  BUT I realize when I'm doing it and try hard to ACCEPT

5. Don't fear taking calculated risks: k, I'm pretty risk averse as of late .. but I think that's more a product of my age and lifestyle.

6. Don't dwell on the past:  alright, I like to take trips down memory lane to re-live those glory days, especially when my babies were young.  But I time-box it.  The past is in the past.  Inner-peace is in the present, which is where I want to spend most of my energy.  It's a gift!

7. Don't make the same mistakes over and over:  FAIL.  I can't even type more on this.  Emotional situations make me lose my sensibility! Luckily the business student in me sees opportunities for improvement all the time.

8. Don't resent other people's success:  I'm pretty good about seeing other people's success as being something that's separate from my own success.  However, the green-eyed monster does rear it's ugly head from time to time, especially when people younger people leap frog me.  I'm learning to get used to it, because it will only get worse in my career.  I already have a manager who is younger than me.

9. Don't give up after your first failure: I'm not sure that I agree with this one.  Aterall,  "play to your strengths" and "know when to fold 'em" has served me well.  Although, I do believe in learning through trying and staying focused on your goals.  You just have to be realistic.

10. Don't fear alone time:  I don't do this!  In fact I love the time I have alone with my thoughts and ideas.  I have big ideas afterall :-)

11. Don't expect immediate results:  K, I don't do this ... especially with weight loss.  I am inherently impatient.  But I'm wise enough to know that baby steps should be celebrated.  The journey is as important as the reward.

12. Don't worry about pleasing everyone:  this one is tough because intellectually I know that you'll waste your time trying to please everyone in life.  As a mother, it's hard not to want to please everyone, especially when I see that my actions affect more people than just me.  This is very much related to #4 -- I can't change other people's perceptions.  Their disappointment is theirs.

13. Don't feel the world owes you anything:  yep!

My kind of XMas

I'm trying to keep XMas stress at bay but can feel it slowly creeping into my psyche.  I think the problem is that my behaviour is in conflict with my desires.  I'd love to finally simplify by NOT:

• entertaining so much
• buying too many presents
• over-planning
• baking/eating so much crap

I' also not living in the present right now, which is something I've decided I must practice in order to find inner-peace.  Building up one measly day of the year will surely result in disappointment. And I'm passing this on to my kids as well.

As I unpacked the tree this afternoon, I couldn't help but feel that it was only yesterday when I tore it down.  And it's always the same every year.  The same gluttony, debt, and more gluttony.

But then there's the kids ... and the happy XMas morning I want to create for them.  But what about the consumerism and buyers remorse?  And the extra pounds?  And all the crap toys that invade what precious empty space I have left in my house? I used to get on my parents case for not putting up their tree after my sister and I moved out.  I finally get it!  I am there.  How nice it would be to just ignore XMas altogether.  Or at least tone it WAY down.  We don't talk about or do anything to plan for XMas until one week before.  Each person gets only ONE gift.  We eat a nice meal together and eat ONE decadent dessert and we do ONE outdoor activity as a family.  And everything goes back to normal the next day.  Now, that's my kind of XMas.

Self Worth

 

Just read this in a blog post (have already lost the link) -- is definitely worth jotting down:

"Self worth comes from who you are internally and not from how other people treat you externally."

A great example of this is doing what you think is right because it will please others.  I'm not talking about servicing others, but instead trying to win their approval.  I still do this.  My manager is not going to give me a gold star, my kids are not going to tell me I've done a 'good job!' and my partner is not going to buy me flowers for every thing I'm supposed to do as a mother and partner.

Decide your own worth for yourself, don't let other people tell you how much you’re worth. It’s called self worth after all,  not others worth.

Contemplating Death

 

Last post on the Untethered Soul before I return it.  The book talks about the Dao -- which is the middle way, that sweet spot where you are balanced -- no extremes, just bliss.  We waste a lot of energy at the extremes.  The example of the smoker explains it well:  at one extreme the smoker is busy smoking, finding a place to smoke, buying smokes, etc.  When he tries to quit he spends the whole year trying various methods (patch, cold turkey, e-cigarettes, etc.).  Because of one extreme, the pendulum has to sway far to the other side.  Much energy and effort is wasted at both ends of the spectrum.  The key is to centre and not participate in either extreme.  That is the Dao.

The book also talked about contemplating death.  We all know the expression 'live each day like it is your last', but I've never stopped to think about what this would actually be like.  What if God told me that I had one week to settle my affairs before dying?  I would instinctively beg for more time.  But what about the lifetime I've already been given FFS?  Why am I not spending that time being the best person I can be for my loved ones. Why am I not appreciating life's beauty?  Why am I not letting go of all my resentment and complaints?

Staring death in the face is a good way to live because it keeps you grounded.  We will all die, we just don't know when.  So if you live life fully (like today was your last day), then you won't have any last wishes.  Great insight!

Do you want to be happy?

It's a simple enough question, but one we often tie to our circumstances.  Of course I want to be happy, but my partner is an asshole.  WRONG ANSWER.  The thing I keep forgetting is that happiness is something we can actually have control over, regardless of life's circumstances.  To state the obvious, stuff happen -- billions of events from now until eternity.  Do I want to be happy regardless of what happens?  YES, I DO.  Once I accept that events will not determine my happiness, I can more easily find happiness.

My commitment to happiness starts with letting go of the part of me that wants to create melodrama.  I gain nothing by being bothered by the world's events -- I can't even really influence them. I simply suffer.  Being bothered seems to be my specialty lately, because I always find something to be bothered by.

The book I'm reading recommends being aware of when you start to become unhappy and simply LET IT GO (yes, the Disney song my 7 yr old sings ad nauseam). When life gets me down, and I say to myself "that ruined my day -- what good came of that?"  The answer is always nothing.  Absolutely nothing came of that.  I simply let it interfere with my happiness, which is the ONE thing that I truly want.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Such a life changing book and as I re-read some of the notes I wrote 15 years ago I realize that I was too young to appreciate the significance of its teachings.  I also see how far I have to go to becoming truly authentic.  Aside from 'putting first things first' or 'seeking first to understand before wanting to be understood' -- the biggest challenge is choosing integrity.  Because with every choice I make in life, I should be asking myself "is this is where I want to get?" More often than not, the answer is no.  I do not live by the values I uphold.  And it's killing me.

Some notes on my Personal Mission Statement that I wrote in 1998:
I will honour all commitments.
I will keep promises to myself.
I will be trustworthy.
I will accept those moments of angst and cherish those opportunities to see myself honestly.
I will faithfully learn from my mistakes.
I will see the good in others and understand what motivates their behaviour.
I will be empathetic.
I will help others see the potential in themselves.
I will cease being the victim and realize that others have endured far worse.
I will believe that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Be good for goodness sake

I was raised to be good so that I wouldn't burn in hell.  If I stepped out of line, I knew there'd be consequences (spanking, grounding, withdraw of privliges) so I toed the line, for the most part.  But now as a parent I'm trying to raise my kids to do the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

It's not easy because I stay away from typical tricks -- bribes, rewards, threats and punishments because they don't teach kids self discipline. These methods teach kids to conform for fear of reprisal or because they expect some material gain from doing what's expected of them.  I won't always be there to hang something over them, nor will society.  Plus I want to learn that being a decent person is it's own reward.  So when I come across examples of using reason and logic to teach kids morals, I was blown away.  Take this example:

• To explain why cheating in school is wrong, in addition to saying that it's damaging to your character and that you can no longer look at yourself as an honest person, you could say that in the long run it's bad for everyone because grades mean less and teachers won't be able to assess who needs help and who should advance.  Ahhhhhhh.  This explanation makes perfect sense, but it's not second nature for me to think this way, especially on the spot. 

Sadly, phrases like 'Because I said so' are still in my repertoire.  Here's hoping I can start to apply this kind of reasoning to my parenting dialog!

The peace that passes all understanding...

is living in the present moment.

I finally did something fulfilling today -- I watched a webcast of Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discussing 'A New Earth'.  I've been watching these off and on for a while now and it was definitely time for a review.

Eventhough I have the knowledge, I am still ruled by my ego.  I focus way too much on the future, hoping that it will bring me some kind of fulfillment.  When all I really have is the now.  The future as I know it is just what I want it to be.  And when it's not, I am disappointed.  So many good take-aways in this webcast worth noting.

Here's another -- I've noticed that acceptance feels really good.  There's a certain peace that comes with letting go and just accepting what is, rather than clinging to what you want it to be.  It can be difficult to not resist, but when you finally do it's liberating.  The ego always wants to compare itself to others.  When I'm feeling superior or inferior to someone else, I am being ruled by my ego.  These are great reminders because I do find myself doing this.  Another sign is feeling threatened when someone challenges my opinion.  It's just an opinion, it's not who I am.

Same things goes with being tied to things.  When I lose or break things, I sometimes get upset.  They are just things, they are not who I am.  Instead of accumulating things, try appreciating them for what they are and walking away, such as window shopping.  Wanting more is another sign of the ego because the ego is never satisfied.  I lived that one just today when I realized that something I so desperately wanted had lost its novelty already and made not one ioda of difference in my life.  Again, it's striving for some future state instead of just being happy with what you have and what you are in the present moment.

How about being tied to our identity, such as youth and beauty.  External beauty fades for all life forms.  It is our destiny.  Accepting that is powerful.  The irony is thick, because I am living that now.  But a good reminder is to not put that on my daughter.  I don't want her growing up thinking that who she is is 'pretty'.  She most certainly is, but pretty fades.  She's way more than that.  Last one is labelling things instead of experiencing their aliveness.  This is easy to do -- we treat others according to their role, or according to our own perceptions of who they are instead of just experiencing who they are in that moment.  I'm feeling really good about all this.  I hope it sticks.  I'll keep blogging about it and re-reading it until it does!

Living Free

I experienced a completely surreal moment when my Mom and I were at a cottage this weekend.  We were busy getting dinner ready, cracking jokes, reminiscing about the past, just enjoying the buzz of a great summer day when she suddenly commented on how nice it was to stay in a small simple house.  I'd been feeling the same way, but hadn't realized it until that moment.  It was completely liberating to be free from my things -- my precious things I've built a whole house around.  At the cottage the cupboards were bare, the closets empty, the furniture sparse.  It was bliss!  Being there with my folks reminded me of growing up in a similar small house.  It was tiny and I always complained that we could afford to live in a better house.  But really, it was all we really needed.  Because now we are slaves to our stuff.  I hate that I continue to waste my life shopping for, putting away, tidying, looking for and throwing out all my precious stuff.  I wish that I didn't NEED things to make me happy.  Maybe it's not too late.

True Love

I attended Mass today only because I knew it would make D happy. Even though he's accepted my decision to refrain from church, I know it pains him to go without me. Usually it's a complete waste of time and I spend the entire time wishing that I was anywhere else, hence the reason I stopped going. But today, I read a little passage that caught my interest. It was the prelude to the missal, about love, written by a parishioner. We're told to love one another which is beautifully simple -- just open your heart and love. But in reality it's much harder because of all the BS (I'm editorializing here). If we took a page out of Hollywood, we'd take from our partners what we need to feel good and leave after the warm feelings wear off. True love is about sticking it out. It's about giving. You give of yourself unconditionally without thinking of your own feelings. It's the beginnings of laying one's life down for another ...

Of course the passage went on to talk about the requirement to love God before you can truly love another human being, blah, blah, blah. It's the first part that really struck me. Giving. I don't give without expecting something in return. Even from my kids -- I expect compliance. I expect that they will grow up to be decent people as long as I love them and parent them as well as I can.

This idea of giving without resentment is humbling. I know someone like this. He gives because he loves his wife immensely. It's the real thing.

I don't dig deep and give all of myself. I hold back. I'm not sure why I do this. I'm not sure that I can be this giving person who expresses her love unconditionally either. But I would like to be her. Some small attitude shifts may be all that it takes. It starts with expectation. Don't expect anything in return. Giving.

The Greatest Love of All

I've spent a lot of time lately blaming other people for my unhappiness. Why can't he love me the way I deserve to be loved? I show appreciation for his 'wonderfulness' everyday -- I want the same thing back.  Well why not just give yourself what you need D. That's right. Today I am going to adorn myself with love and gratitude. Big head alert. I'm the only one that can fulfill my needs and it's high time I take care of myself because it's all I've truly got.

I love you Diane because ...
you are witty - your FB posts really crack me up, your humour is a great release at work
you get things done - you can see the shortest most efficient path almost immediately and are able to multi-task like no other
you have great analytical skills - you can create a simple explanation to a complex idea; you know the right questions to ask to get right to the information you need
you are reliable - I can always count on your support
you are interesting - you can converse on many topics and are always interested in learning something new
you are a great mother - you love your children deeply, take your parenting responsibilities seriously and at the same time give your kids room to just be
you are responsible - you've got your shit together -- career, assets, RSPs, manageable debt
you are lovely - your skin, smile, long shiny hair, athletic figure -- you look good

... k ... I am starting to feel silly so I'll stop. But at the same time, if feels good to love myself. I'm always selling myself short, down-playing my achievements and shirking off other people's compliments. And it's been to my detriment. Because when you act like you are not deserving, people start to think that maybe it's true. Not anymore. No need to brag. I'll just keep it inside. Everyday there's something great to celebrate, even if it's just another example of what's already great about me. Lots of little hugs and kisses D.

The positive side of anger

I've never thought of anger as a positive emotion. Angry behaviour evokes fear in most people, including me. Road rage, violent outbursts, yelling matches, NO THANK YOU. I try hard to suppress my anger. But now I am reading that anger is a positive emotion. Apparently getting angry is what prompts us to change, to seek justice, to stand up for ourselves. In fact anger can help you focus on what's important to you and make decisions that will meet your needs. Unbelievable.

The other thing I've read is that venting does not relieve anger. It makes you angrier. Unless, there is a empathetic listener at the other end who cares to know about what is making you angry and has your best interest at heart. In other words, my Mom ♥. It's not easy to be empathetic when anger is directed at you though. Which is why my partner simply gives me space when I am really upset. Do I express my anger in a non-violent and non-threatening way? This is a akin to complaining without criticizing. So difficult.

I'm not sure where I stand on anger. When my partner gets angry, I turtle. I do not in any way show empathy and in fact I lose a little respect for him . But if I try to be that empathetic listener perhaps it will diffuse his anger? It will help him realize what he needs to do to get his expectations met. I want to be able to do this for him.

Wow, how great is it when you start to shift your perceptions a little. I'm really grateful for learning about the positive side of anger. It can be a catalyst for change.

Objectivity

A good friend of mine is taking a hiatus from the news -- or at least discussing it. At first I thought he was bored of the same old headlines and was starting to become apathetic like the rest of the non-voting populous. But as I listened to him explain his disdain for politics and the insularity that results from being emotional vested in your parties dogma, I too started to ask myself "why am I choosing to get worked up about politics?" I tell myself that I am staying informed of the issues. But really I'm looking for evidence to support my own views. I automatically find fault with new ideas that come from 'the other side' and have even started to lose respect for those with opposing views.

My friend suggesting removing the ideology and judging new programs on their own merits instead of looking for hidden agendas and categorizing them into divisive camps -- "Liberals Good" "Cons Bad? Can I do that? Do I want to? How do I even start?

The other thing I realized is that I am getting way too worked up over things I cannot change, some of which include:
politicians lie
politics is funded by big business
everyone has an agenda
people are motivated by their own self-interest
money is power and power corrupts
there's very little if anything politicians can do to prevent people from behaving badly -- there will always be bad apples
men want sex all the time (just had to throw that last one in :-))

I know myself and I don't think I'll be able to take a neutral point of view when examining an issue, but I'd like to be able to practice acceptance and consider that I could very well be wrong. Why not listen to the other side? I might learn a thing or two.

Forgiveness

Beautiful fall day, kids were climbing over pumpkins and running through a corn maze, colours abounded, three happy faces basked in the sunshine... and the camera batteries were dead. I was disappointed but I put the camera away and enjoyed watching the kids play in real time. The best part was having my partner remind me that he was glad that it was me and not him and that he was not upset with me for forgetting to check the camera. Yes, had it been him, I would've torn a strip off of him. I'm grateful that he is not a tyrant and takes life's little bumps in stride. Good awareness moment for me too. I hold others to a much higher standard than I do myself, which is why I often feel let down. It's like I'm looking to be disappointed instead of accepting that everyone has their faults and that's the beauty of life. xx

I want ...

Unfortunately I haven't quite learned my lesson that 'wanting is bad'. The line is often blurred between wants and needs and I end up accumulating so much useless shit that I end up hating myself for wanting it in the first place. A good friend of mine suggested listing your wants and letting them simmer to make sure that they are true wants instead of consumerist impulses. We all need 'things' to some extent. I just need to make sure I'm buying things for the right reasons, not because I expect them to addess a void that cannot be filled by things.

So here goes, what do you want D?

1. organization: I need better ways to organize my life. "A place for everything" means I am not wasting my day turning the house upsidedown and yelling at everyone because I cannot find my head. In my mind, there is a landing station for mail, homework and charging devices. It has both form and function. I have already wasted a lot of time trying to find this organizational panecea and the DIY one pictured here is definitely not it.

2. scrap books: I need to carve out some time to just DO THIS. My sister's forever showing off her photobooks, I should just hand her a USB stick and $200 and be done with it. Problem here is that I want the joy of accomplishing this, yet I have no artistic abilities. I also want this to be publisher-quality, not windows clip-arty.

3. a professional wardrobe: I just need a few select pieces that will transform me from office scank to sophisticated go-getter. Problem here is that I'll end up buying uncomfortable suit jackets and other dry-clean-only numbers that will just collect dust in my closet. Again, I want something that doesn't exist.

4. I can't think of anything else that I want, except for love, respect and rommance. But alas, even if I had them I'd probably want more.

Under the bus

I've got to stop the habbit of throwing my partner under the bus when telling a story. It's like I feel as if everyone is waiting for me to give them some dirt, so I spice up my story by dissing my partner in exchange for a few laughs. This is especially true with my other mommy friends -- we really cut up our partners. And then I feel awful afterwards because he doesn't desserve it and because he would never do that to me and because I know that I embellished for effect. Ugh. Golden Rule D. I'm going to work on this.

Constructive Criticism

I'm reminded of some sage advice from the book "How to win friends and influence people" -- don't criticize, ever. Tonight I approached my partner about an email he wrote to our friends to cancel a camping trip we had planned with them for next weekend. The email was all business and showed no sign of remorse. It's not how I would have handled things. In fact I thought he was going to call them. Of course what's done is done. I have no idea how they feel about it, but if it were me receiving that email, I would've been pissed. So I spoke up. I even thought about how I could gently put it to him without sounding critical. And I fell flat on my face. He got all angry and defensive and told me that if I didn't like how he handled it, then I should've done it myself. Ugh. I SUCK at constructive criticism. Even as the words left my mouth, I knew it would be a mess. Why did I feel compelled to say anything. They are HIS friends afterall. Now he's pissed and I feel like crap. It was hardly a fight, but it really got me thinking about criticism and if there ever is an appropriate time to 'correct' someone. No, there is not. The world is critical enough without having to hear it at home too.