Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Shift your perceptions

I visited an intuitive today -- first time seeing this one, but not the first reading I've have.  My need to know and to control is what drives me to visit fortune tellers and yet every time I go,  I'm disappointed. But since I dropped $110, I should at least try to look for some worthwhile lesson.

As far as psychics go she was mediocre -- asked a lot of questions instead of telling me what she saw.  She was even dead wrong on a few counts, such as me being single.  But of course even married people can give off a single aura because of their independence.  Of course!  There was also a lot of general advice for someone of my demographic -- you don't feel appreciated, you give so much of yourself to your children, you are disappointed that married life has not lived up to your fantasy, you are angry for not having more time to yourself, blah, blah, blah.  But then there were some points that really resonated.  Even if it was just a lucky guess on her point, it was good to hear an objective point of view.

She interpreted the images she saw of me as being very sad, trapped and protective.  She said that I had checked out of my relationship a long time ago, but that it's been a gradual process since after the kids were born.  It's not clear why I unplugged, but I need to examine why I did that and figure out ways to plug back in. She said that I need to shift my perceptions.  This threw me for a loop because its something I've heard a very good friend of mine talk about.  I should focus on what's good and specifically what D does that's good. Gratitude will help me open my heart.  She told me that I crave intimacy and that I feel alive when I'm with someone that I connect with.  This is a good thing because it shows me what's possible.  Now I have to figure out a way to bring that aliveness into my marriage.  What am I seeking?  What do other relationships give me that I can't seem to have at home?  Why am I closing my heart to D's love?  She also advised me to enrich my soul myself.  Stop making my partner responsible for my fulfillment.  I should nurture things that I love about myself and spend time doing what I really enjoy (more booze anyone?).  She called me a hopeless romantic.  I can be my own romantic -- buy myself flowers, do what makes me feel alive.  This made a lot of sense to me.  Of course it could be said for most mothers.  She also told me to develop my own spiritual practice and that I should study kabalah. Wrt plugging back into my marriage, she suggested we spend more time together -- not just dates, but having conversations that don't involve the kids or money.  Just being in each other's company builds intimacy.  I also need more playfulness and laughter.   D tickled me to death tonight and it was a lot of FUN.  I agree that we need to play more.

So there's plenty of good advice here .. perhaps not $110 worth, but I'm going to start paying closer attention to what I am bringing, and in the case of my marriage, not bringing.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

The final testament

Just finished another great book by James Frey.  Yes, he's controversial and his talent is a bit over-blown, but this is a profound book.  At least it was for me.  I'm feeling really down lately and although Frey told the stories of the saddest, poorest and most hopeless of urban America, the message of love made me want to cry for joy.  I realize that it's cliché to say that love is the answer.  I keep forgetting that it's not just a precusor to marriage.  You have to feel it everyday if you really want happiness.  Loving yourself, loving others, loving life.  In Frey's book the Messiah is reborn and spends his time in NYC transforming people's lives with love -- a warm hug, a sincere conversation, a gentle kiss, and always an "I love you".  God is love was the message.  Love each other.  Nothing is more powerful than the love of another human being.  So spend your life loving and giving as much as you can.  This is God.  I think I'm going to cry again.  Too often we think we have love, but then it quickly dies and we're left chasing things that don't make us happy or feel good instead of just making love.  I realize this is sounding like a Hippie Manifesto.  But think about how great it feels to be loved and to love.  And yet those moments are few and far between.  When you have love in your heart, you have compassion for others, differences melt away, you accept people as they are and life is bliss.

I have to return this book to the library, but wanted to note some of the other great messages:
Life is about living simply, helping others and feeling everything you can feel.  It's not about the accumulation of wealth and possessions.  It's about the accumulation of friends. The more you have, the more you want.  The more complicated your life is, the more miserable you are.  The more you work, the less you live.
God is infinity.  Most of us can't understand how big infinity is.
Focusing on life after death causes you to forsake life. 
Religion is man's greatest con.  If I claim to have a direct relationship with and a unique understanding of God and I claim that he created everything and knows everything and controls your fate including your destiny after death, I can use that power to make you live as I want you to live, including being a slave.
Religions and governments are instruments of greed and power.  They exist to exploit and control humanity and the earth's resources.

These ideas are not new, but it was refreshing to read.  I feel at my best when my love tank is full.  It's so much easier to deal with D and the kids. I can see more clearly.  The glass is half full.  I love that feeling.  And I know it can last.  My friend Tara talks about acting out of love.  She's very aware of where her actions come from and tries hard to make sure they come from a place of love.  This makes a lot of sense to me. I'm going to think about and try to feel love everyday, even if I don't get it back.  I know if feels equally good to be kind and loving to someone else.