Contemplating Death

 

Last post on the Untethered Soul before I return it.  The book talks about the Dao -- which is the middle way, that sweet spot where you are balanced -- no extremes, just bliss.  We waste a lot of energy at the extremes.  The example of the smoker explains it well:  at one extreme the smoker is busy smoking, finding a place to smoke, buying smokes, etc.  When he tries to quit he spends the whole year trying various methods (patch, cold turkey, e-cigarettes, etc.).  Because of one extreme, the pendulum has to sway far to the other side.  Much energy and effort is wasted at both ends of the spectrum.  The key is to centre and not participate in either extreme.  That is the Dao.

The book also talked about contemplating death.  We all know the expression 'live each day like it is your last', but I've never stopped to think about what this would actually be like.  What if God told me that I had one week to settle my affairs before dying?  I would instinctively beg for more time.  But what about the lifetime I've already been given FFS?  Why am I not spending that time being the best person I can be for my loved ones. Why am I not appreciating life's beauty?  Why am I not letting go of all my resentment and complaints?

Staring death in the face is a good way to live because it keeps you grounded.  We will all die, we just don't know when.  So if you live life fully (like today was your last day), then you won't have any last wishes.  Great insight!

Do you want to be happy?

It's a simple enough question, but one we often tie to our circumstances.  Of course I want to be happy, but my partner is an asshole.  WRONG ANSWER.  The thing I keep forgetting is that happiness is something we can actually have control over, regardless of life's circumstances.  To state the obvious, stuff happen -- billions of events from now until eternity.  Do I want to be happy regardless of what happens?  YES, I DO.  Once I accept that events will not determine my happiness, I can more easily find happiness.

My commitment to happiness starts with letting go of the part of me that wants to create melodrama.  I gain nothing by being bothered by the world's events -- I can't even really influence them. I simply suffer.  Being bothered seems to be my specialty lately, because I always find something to be bothered by.

The book I'm reading recommends being aware of when you start to become unhappy and simply LET IT GO (yes, the Disney song my 7 yr old sings ad nauseam). When life gets me down, and I say to myself "that ruined my day -- what good came of that?"  The answer is always nothing.  Absolutely nothing came of that.  I simply let it interfere with my happiness, which is the ONE thing that I truly want.

More on the psyche

So much wisdom in such a short book.  Here are some more notes:

We build up a self-concept based on experiences, beliefs, opinions, sets of thoughts and emotions.  And we cling to this concept because it creates what we think is a safe rational place.  But unfortunately when something happens to shake the foundation of who we think we are (e.g. losing a loved one) our entire view of who we are (including our relationship to everyone around us) falls apart.  So we panic and fight to keep it together.  Instead of trying to make everything fit in our comfort zone, we should instead be questioning the model we've built in the first place.

A very good friend of mine follows this philosophy -- believe in nothing, because dogma is dangerous.  You will never by happy if your identity is tied to form or beliefs because beliefs should evolve with new information.  This is wise.  This book says that you should be free to experience life without mental boundaries.  This 'going beyond' is enlightenment.

F'ed up psyche

Some more notes from the Untethered Soul.  Our constant anxious self talk is suffering.  It's because our psyche is so messed up that we think about it so much (e.g. worry if he won't like you, or replay what we said earlier).  Interesting that we rarely think about our physical bodies; only when there's something wrong (e.g. injury, illness).  Yet with our minds constantly 'on',  our psyches must be f'ed up.  Yep.  This book says that the dysfunction comes from fear.  We've given our psyches the impossible responsibility to make the world right. 

From the book: "You said to your mind:  I want everyone to like me.  I don't want anyone to speak badly of me.  I want everything I say and do to be acceptable and pleasing to everyone.  I don't want anyone to hurt me.  I don't want anything to happen that I don't like.  And I want everything to happen that I do like."

Whoa!  talk about a tall order.  No wonder my mind won't shut up!  And so my mind gives me lots of advice on how to change external things, so that my problems can be fixed.  But the thing is, it never works.  But I keep listening.  For example, if you feel loneliness, your mind tells you that the solution is to find a relationship.  However, that does not address the root of the problem which is that you don't feel whole and complete within yourself.  And so it goes.  The way to be free of my psyche making all these demands of me is to tell it that it's job is not to try and fix all my personal problems.  It's that easy.

The Seat of Consciouness

More from the same book, the Untethered Soul.

Transcendence is the goal here.  Don't get sucked in.  Let things pass, which is not the same as resisting.  For example, I see someone looking super fit in their workout clothes and my inner voice starts up -- I wish I looked like that, WTF, why don't I look like that. I could look like that if I wasn't such a lazy, undisciplined git, oh fuck I'm pathetic for making so many excuses, etc., etc.  I work myself up into this mad frenzy over something completely stupid.  I've been sucked into my own melodrama.  Just as the super fit person passes by, so too should my pangs of jealousy pass by.  Let yourself feel the bad emotions, but let them quickly pass over you.  Don't get sucked in.

This book talks about the 'seat of consciousness'.  It's the place up high where you observe your life.  I imagine it to look like at umpire's seat at a tennis match.  As the observer you see life before you and you let yourself feel, but you stay separate from your feelings because YOU ARE NOT YOUR FEELINGS.  Feelings, like experiences are just part of being human.  I personally tend to make feelings more important than they are.  I forget that they quickly pass.  This books says that when you stay in your seat, you will feel energy come from behind you and flow through you.  I must admit I'm finding this a bit hard to grasp.  But it sounds wonderful -- the freedom of not being thought-obsessed or overcome by emotion.  Inner peace!

Last point to note is the idea of inner disturbances.  The book says that when we have something that bothers us, rather than remove it, we tend to work around it -- adjust our behaviour and circumstances to accommodate it rather than just remove it.  For example, if we have a fear of rejection we might choose to always please others before ourselves, or we might stay closed or avoid relationships altogether.  These inner disturbances are basically blocked energy from our past. They can and should be removed.  If we don't release them, we will continue to focus on them because our consciousness tends to get drawn to the most distracting object.  It's similar to bumping your toe or hearing a loud noise, it has your attention.  And this is what happens when we get sucked in and fall from our seat.  We're overcome with emotion and can't see the forest from the trees. Even worse, we start to act out (e.g. yell at someone else, take revenge, etc.) thereby affecting someone else's inner peace ... all because we haven't dealt with our issues.  Sigh. 

I think I might have to re-read some of these ideas or at least let them simmer more.  Good stuff all around!

Consciousness

I'm reading an interesting book on consciousness and it's starting to draw some simple relationships in my mind.  This is helping me understand the concepts I've heard again and again, yet haven't quite grasped.  The idea that reality is based on perception starts to make sense until I think of feedback.  When I touch a table, it feels hard, so I know that it is there.  But is it really there?  Is it just what I've come to expect.  If I didn't experience the table would it be there?  OK, NOW YOU'VE LOST ME.

So this book breaks it down nicely like I am 6 years old, starting with the voice in your head.  I personally know this voice, because it talks to me constantly.  It reminds me of stuff I need to do (e.g. don't forget to call your mom), it chastises me for things I have done (e.g. why did you jump down his throat like that before giving him a chance to speak, you are so selfish), it likes to tell me why things are the way they are (e.g. he doesn't give a shit about you, he's disrespecting you again).  This books says that the voice is not you and just because it speaks does not mean we need to listen.  The voice is there to interpret reality for us so that we can feel safer in the world.  We often pay attention because we believe that it comes from some kind of inner wisdom.  But, really it does no more than fill the air.  For one thing the voice flip flips all over the place (e.g. you should work out, but then again your knees are sore and you need to rest, but you also ate like crap today and need to burn some caolories, etc.).  Secondly,  most of what the voice is doing is complaining -- looking for problems, looking for something to be bothered by.  In fact in my case, the voice never gives anyone the benefit of the doubt (e.g. why did he not say anything?  he's ignoring me again?  he's trying to distance himself from he -- he's trying to send a fucking message, etc.).  My voice dreams up all kinds of negative explanations when most of the time there's a reasonable explanation (e.g. he was on another computer and did not see my BBM, he was on the phone, he was deep into work).
Anyways, I've just scratched the surface but I look forward to learning more about this, including how to turn the voice off!  I have a feeling that it won't be possible though.  But awareness is usually an important step for me.  It's a nice way to spend a Saturday night.

The peace that passes all understanding...

is living in the present moment.

I finally did something fulfilling today -- I watched a webcast of Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discussing 'A New Earth'.  I've been watching these off and on for a while now and it was definitely time for a review.

Eventhough I have the knowledge, I am still ruled by my ego.  I focus way too much on the future, hoping that it will bring me some kind of fulfillment.  When all I really have is the now.  The future as I know it is just what I want it to be.  And when it's not, I am disappointed.  So many good take-aways in this webcast worth noting.

Here's another -- I've noticed that acceptance feels really good.  There's a certain peace that comes with letting go and just accepting what is, rather than clinging to what you want it to be.  It can be difficult to not resist, but when you finally do it's liberating.  The ego always wants to compare itself to others.  When I'm feeling superior or inferior to someone else, I am being ruled by my ego.  These are great reminders because I do find myself doing this.  Another sign is feeling threatened when someone challenges my opinion.  It's just an opinion, it's not who I am.

Same things goes with being tied to things.  When I lose or break things, I sometimes get upset.  They are just things, they are not who I am.  Instead of accumulating things, try appreciating them for what they are and walking away, such as window shopping.  Wanting more is another sign of the ego because the ego is never satisfied.  I lived that one just today when I realized that something I so desperately wanted had lost its novelty already and made not one ioda of difference in my life.  Again, it's striving for some future state instead of just being happy with what you have and what you are in the present moment.

How about being tied to our identity, such as youth and beauty.  External beauty fades for all life forms.  It is our destiny.  Accepting that is powerful.  The irony is thick, because I am living that now.  But a good reminder is to not put that on my daughter.  I don't want her growing up thinking that who she is is 'pretty'.  She most certainly is, but pretty fades.  She's way more than that.  Last one is labelling things instead of experiencing their aliveness.  This is easy to do -- we treat others according to their role, or according to our own perceptions of who they are instead of just experiencing who they are in that moment.  I'm feeling really good about all this.  I hope it sticks.  I'll keep blogging about it and re-reading it until it does!

Shift your perceptions

I visited an intuitive today -- first time seeing this one, but not the first reading I've have.  My need to know and to control is what drives me to visit fortune tellers and yet every time I go,  I'm disappointed. But since I dropped $110, I should at least try to look for some worthwhile lesson.

As far as psychics go she was mediocre -- asked a lot of questions instead of telling me what she saw.  She was even dead wrong on a few counts, such as me being single.  But of course even married people can give off a single aura because of their independence.  Of course!  There was also a lot of general advice for someone of my demographic -- you don't feel appreciated, you give so much of yourself to your children, you are disappointed that married life has not lived up to your fantasy, you are angry for not having more time to yourself, blah, blah, blah.  But then there were some points that really resonated.  Even if it was just a lucky guess on her point, it was good to hear an objective point of view.

She interpreted the images she saw of me as being very sad, trapped and protective.  She said that I had checked out of my relationship a long time ago, but that it's been a gradual process since after the kids were born.  It's not clear why I unplugged, but I need to examine why I did that and figure out ways to plug back in. She said that I need to shift my perceptions.  This threw me for a loop because its something I've heard a very good friend of mine talk about.  I should focus on what's good and specifically what D does that's good. Gratitude will help me open my heart.  She told me that I crave intimacy and that I feel alive when I'm with someone that I connect with.  This is a good thing because it shows me what's possible.  Now I have to figure out a way to bring that aliveness into my marriage.  What am I seeking?  What do other relationships give me that I can't seem to have at home?  Why am I closing my heart to D's love?  She also advised me to enrich my soul myself.  Stop making my partner responsible for my fulfillment.  I should nurture things that I love about myself and spend time doing what I really enjoy (more booze anyone?).  She called me a hopeless romantic.  I can be my own romantic -- buy myself flowers, do what makes me feel alive.  This made a lot of sense to me.  Of course it could be said for most mothers.  She also told me to develop my own spiritual practice and that I should study kabalah. Wrt plugging back into my marriage, she suggested we spend more time together -- not just dates, but having conversations that don't involve the kids or money.  Just being in each other's company builds intimacy.  I also need more playfulness and laughter.   D tickled me to death tonight and it was a lot of FUN.  I agree that we need to play more.

So there's plenty of good advice here .. perhaps not $110 worth, but I'm going to start paying closer attention to what I am bringing, and in the case of my marriage, not bringing.

Losing my religion

My not-so-silent Sunday protest is doing more harm than good unfortunately. The kids see their mother balking the church -- outright ignoring the rituals and even falling asleep (I couldn't help it yesterday). My blatant disrespect is worse than not attending which is ironic because the only reason I go these days is to lead by example. Special thanks to a good friend of mine for helping me realize this today. I've got to make peace with religion -- figure out where I stand and be consistent with my practice or non-practice. Right now I'm really torn between going out of obligation to my partner and his family and bailing. Problem with the latter is that I'm left practicing zero spirituality -- at least as a weekly ritual. Maybe that's the problem. A good friend of mine suggested finding another practice to demonstrate family values -- a round table of gratitude, or brain-storming and doing good deeds together or even saying grace at dinner. I like these ideas, only I know we won't stick to them. Why make this into some kind of public display anyway? Shouldn't my daily behaviour be the best way to demonstrate altruism, patience, empathy, self-discipline? K, stop laughing (crazy lady here talking to my 2 readers out there). I'm done with organized religion. I don't believe in it and I'm not sure what I do believe.

Laws of the universe

Even though none of what my intuitive told me five months ago has come true, her advice to 'look for the signs' has really stuck. When I hear of something more than once, I start to pay attention -- this can only be a sign. So tonight when I flicked on the TV, a therapist was telling a patient about the law of attraction. You get what you give. All you need to do is ask. This is the second time this week that I am reminded of this simple and powerful law. So what does it mean to me right now. K -- I feel stuck in my relationships and career. I'm wasting way too much time 'suffering' instead of just being happy. Be happy D. FFS, this constant state of brooding, the continuous complaining about everyone else, it's just got to stop. I can't stand to hear myself go off anymore. I have to take control of my life and force myself to either a) accept (and I mean truly accept) or b) make changes. The universe is giving me more of the same. By focusing on my unhappiness, I am finding more things to be unhappy about. Positive thinking, where are you? What I'd really like to do is forget about putting my happiness at the feet of my boss, or my partner. I'd like to tell them both to fuck off. K, not quite. But I'd like it if I was in my own world and not bothered by what they are doing or not doing. Being happy about myself -- proud of my actions and choices. This is what will bring me happiness.

Saying Goodbye

Another tid bit from my Cheryl Richardson book (it's not really that great a book, but I feel there's a reason I should be reading it) -- the idea of writing love letters at the end of your life. The author worked with a woman who was dying and wanted to leave letters to her young children (for them to open in adulthood) that expressed how much she loved them. Eventhough she was gravely ill, she was still able to articulate things like:

what I love most about you is ...
what I'm sorry for is ...
what I dream for you is ...

I have got to do this too -- not because I feel like my time has come (hopefully I still have quite a few good years ahead of me), but because just in case anything happens I want my loved ones to know what they mean to me. Plus writing that note of gratitude for my boss (as difficult a person she can be) really filled my heart with love and allowed me to see things from a different point of view. It's addictive really. What else can I love?

Holding my breath

Another tid bit from my Cheryl Richardson book -- nothing lasts so don't fear the future. Know that life will get worse -- you will get sick, lose your job, have your heart broken, lose a loved one. It's how you are able to handle these pitfalls that's most important. Enjoy the good times, but take time everyday to build your spiritual health so that when you fall, you won't come completely undone. This makes a lot of sense to me. I used to think "I want to really enjoy myself in this moment, but I'm afraid that it will end." Well, it's supposed to end. That's the duality of life. Gotta love those reality cheques. K, I'm buying that, so how do I go about becoming spiritually healthy? This book talks about surrendering to a Divine power. Hmmmm, sounds too much like religion which I have a complete disdain for lately. I like the idea of strengthening my core though. In fact I really admire people who are strong inside. They are not afraid of emotions and allow themselves to feel but are not ruled by their emotions.

Let it go

While reading a Cheryl Richardson book that was recommended to me by my intuitive, I was reminded of something so key to inner peace that I can't believe that I've let it slip away. Stop trying to control life. Just let it be. When I think about what makes me angry, it comes down to life not cooperating with my plans. I can't make him love me, I can't make my boss respect me, I can't even make my kids listen to me. So just let it go. That feels really good actually. I don't want to make life my enemy. And who says what I want is what should be any way? Getting all worked up about someone else's behaviour does not in fact change their behaviour. All I can change is my attitude. Just stop wanting anything and then you will never be disappointed with what you get. It is what it is. Could it be better? Perhaps? It could also be a whole lot worse. The everyday blehs are 99% of life. This is it Baby. I've wasted too much of my life hoping and dreaming about those magical moments that will a) never be b) never live up to my expectations or c) disappear as quickly as they come. What a self-help rant I'm having here. Today, as the glorious sun came out of hiding and warmed my air-conditioned body, I realized that I need to accept my life and stop fighting it. And that has made all the difference.

The unmistakable touch of grace

Just started reading this spirituality book by Cheryl Richardson that was recommended to me by my intuitive. I'm in a bit of reading slump these days, so even though it wouldn't be my first choice, I'm giving it a shot because there must be some divine reason that I am supposed to read this book. Or is there? Am I just replacing one religion with another? Putting my destiny in the hand of the unknown is part of what's turned me off of religion, so why am I looking for it under a different name? Try to have an open mind D. These passages are good for starters:

You are not alone. There is a powerful, supportive energy guiding your life and it always has your best interest at heart. When you call upon it for guidance and support, it will respond. Spiritual signposts will be put in your path to guide you to your highest good. Follow them!

You have a higher purpose for your life. The more you surrender to the Divine will and allow grace to lead, the more you’ll find that the right doors open to support you in fulfilling your life’s purpose. You’ll learn to recognize and respond to them. Walk through those doors with courage and faith.
You have what it takes to face any life challenge. As a human being you will experience loss, disappointment, failure, and fear. But you don’t have to suffer. As a matter of fact, your most challenging life circumstance may turn out to be your greatest blessing. Your reliance on the power of grace will give you the faith and spiritual fortitude to face life’s ups and downs with confidence and poise.
You are a student in the school of life. As you view your life from a higher, more spiritual perspective, you’ll begin to see that everything happens for a reason. Every event, experience, and person you encounter is intended to support your soul development. Take advantage of these opportunities.
You have the peace and happiness you desire already within you. When you deepen your connection to the Divine by balancing activity with silence, you’ll discover the true source of all joy and happiness. You’ll experience a heightened sensitivity to beauty, deep inner peace, and a profound feeling of connectedness to all living things. Enjoy these gifts.

I'm better than you

Has parenting, environmentalism and spirituality become my new religion? My mind is always a buzz trying to think of how I can improve in all of these areas -- "I should be doing more" is my mantra. But what does this say about my own sense of self? Is this just my ego screaming out for more? Am I sending out the message that I am better than everyone else who does not make these things a priority? A psychologist friend of mine sees the pressure in perfectionist parenting as people's way of seeking an identity, one they feel is superior to others. She says that it takes having a strong sense of self to not fall into the rat race.

I condone my old man for falling prey to religious zealots, but maybe I'm doing the same thing with my own beliefs? A friend of mine tries not to cling to opinions or become too emotionally attached to anything he thinks. After that happens, you are defending your own dogma. EVERYTHING should be up for questioning and debate -- when proven wrong, simply appreciate that you are better informed.

I think this goes back to intent. How often do I brag about what I am doing? How often do I try to convince others that I am right and they are wrong? How often do I judge people by their choices rather than by who they are as people? What about when I fail to see that it's a matter of choice and compromise -- every one's circumstances are different afterall. I may do x, y and z but at the expense of a, b and c. Respect for others is key!

Where is my innerpeace?

I had it last summer -- quiet, calm, contentedness. I was present, my mind was peaceful, I radiated enlightenment (k, that's stretching it a bit -- small 'e' enlightenment). Where did it go and how do I get it back?

On the surface, my circumstances have changed -- I am back to work with dysfunction and negative energy invading my psyche at every turn. I have gained weight -- thankfully not a lot, but enough to make me dislike my lack of discipline which I know puts a negative spin on all my perceptions. I also don't exercise as much or as rigorously .... so maybe my enlightenment was just me being permanently high on endorphins?

When I dig deeper I know it's my mind that's keeping me from enjoying the place I now cherish. A quick re-read of 'A New Earth' is helping remind of what I need to get back:

presence: when my mind wanders and I focus on what I should do next, instead of just being in the moment I start to feel like I'd rather be someplace else than where I am. I end up frustrated and disappointed rather than content and relaxed. This weekend I tried to stay present by throwing myself into what I was doing. I love the feeling of losing yourself in a task to the point where time flies. I'm not talking about over-functioning here, just focusing. When I played with the kids, I did it whole-heartedly, I looked them in the eye, I listened, I let them lead, I did not let my mind distract me ... and it was wonderful!

acceptance: when I resist what is, I make myself miserable wishing for what I think I want. Last summer I put the brakes on complaining and it felt really good. I should remind myself that if I'm not happy with my circumstances I can A) change them, B) leave them or C) accept them. Complaining is not productive and creates more negative energy. It's my EGO screaming for attention -- "look at poor me and all the crap life has given me". Just stop.

gratitude: focusing on what's good in my life rather than what's missing is a great way to stay positive. It also does wonders for my relationships when I simply say thank you. I am better off than the majority of the world in terms of health and economic achievement. That alone is reason to celebrate EVERYDAY. Every morning I think of three different things to be grateful for before I get out of bed -- awesome way to start the day.

Making these things a regular way of life will go a long way towards regaining the inner peace I once had. Life is not my enemy. Want what you have, not what you don't have. Peace is within your grasp, just look inside.

The Beauty of the Implicit

I'm finally reading Everything is Miscellaneous and I love how it's messing with my perceptions of IM. But for now I want to zero in on something I've just read in Chapter 8, "What Nothing Says". I've never really stopped to think about my deep desire to make the implicit explicit -- to put into words that which can't really be said. The book uses a great example from the movie High Fidelity -- John Cusak tries detailing some of his reasoning behind his playlists, but he isn't able to explain it to the tape's recipient. Even if he could, a statement of that reasoning wouldn't have the same effect as listening to the songs would. The explicit often diminishes the implicit. Here's another great example -- the author says "I'll never be able to tell you everything I know about my children. What I know about my children is too long and deep to be exhausted in words, too twisty, entangled and interwingled to be made completely explicit."

 

The implicit is life. I may try to describe it in my numerous blog posts, but it never quite captures how I feel about the subject matter. Words just don't give life justice. Yet we spend a great deal of our lives relying on words to communicate with one another. I feel like I'm not able to truly express myself if I can't say what I'm feeling and this is wrong. There's beauty in the implicit and there's nothing wrong with leaving it there.

Karma

Probably the number one thing that keeps me out of trouble. Thank Gawd for Karma. When I contemplate doing something wrong, I immediately say "this is going to bite me in the ass -- is it really worth it?" And the best thing about Karma is that it won't hit you where you expect it -- it will be get you back ten fold and will affect something very dear to you. So the temptation is rarely worth the risk. It also works for little things. For example, lately I've noticed myself sneaking food -- a few cookies here, a few morsels of chocolate there. No one will notice. Who am I kidding? My waistline will notice and it already has. Karma baby. You can't get away with anything. You just can't. And I both hate it and love it at the same time.

Superior, Inferior or Equal

I had the most inspiring conversation tonight with a friend who's gone through a complete spiritual awakening. It was so nice to hear from someone who's living all of the changes I want for my life. It really gave me hope that change is possible, if you keep working at it. She said that she is no longer judgemental and can see negative behaviour in others as coming from a hurt place.  She's able to separate the behaviour from the person rather than just react negatively to the behaviour. I loved hearing her say that she has confidence that she can use these tools to be a more loving and accepting parent, partner, friend, co-worker. Pure awesomeness.

I wish that we had more time to talk about this, but one little tid bit that she gave me really struck a chord -- asking myself how I view others -- as my superior, equal or inferior? She said that often we flip between superior and inferior. Her example is that we might look at our boss and feel doomed that we will never be as knowledgeable or successful as them in one instant and then turn around and think they are a complete asshole in the next. And I can see how examining how I think of myself in relation to others is valuable in improving my relationships and keeping me centred. This is great stuff and I am so grateful that I got to learn this tonight.

Failing to plan is planning to fail

Few things get me more giddy then coming up with a brilliant plan. One of my most memorable plans was at work, an implementation plan for a new systems release. I had documented all the steps, considered all the potential points of failure, factored in contingency measures, had it team reviewed, had dry-runs performed against it, made numerous revisions (each one more perfect than the last). And when it came time to work the plan, it was a smooooth ride. We just turned off our brains and let the plan lead us. Ahhh, just thinking about my baby makes me really happy.

Now here's the bad. Planning for the future does not keep you present. Yes, here we go again The Power of Now. At some point I'm going to stop blogging about it and just live it. I'm learning that life does not go according to my plan, no matter how righteous I may think my plan is. And when life is no where close to my plan, I start to lose it. Like a spoiled child who does not get her way, I get really angry at life for disappointing me. And then I get angry at myself for not being more accepting of my fate. And then I go back to being angry that my planning was a complete waste of time.

I think the problem with me and planning is that I hang a lot of my happiness on the future. I'll be happy when ... I own a house, I get married, I have a child, two children, three children, etc. etc. By yearning for external pleasures, they can only bring temporary fulfillment because ... nothing lasts! Anything I gain can just as easily be taken away and so I'm left with emotional pain from the loss and a thirst for more to fill the void. Pretty much everyone is in this boat, except for maybe the Dali Lama.

There's nothing wrong with planning for the future and dreaming about a better life. Planning is one of my talents -- I think I can even make a career out of it. It's the obsessing about it -- to the point that I'm spending way too much time thinking about my amazing plans instead of just living my life and being present. That's what I've got to change.

Baby steps. I can feel things improving. For starters I don't waste time planning out details -- better to go with general plans. I also roll with things better when life starts to veer off the plan. I can thank my kids for teaching me that one.
It's also boring when everything goes according to my plan. Why be limited by my own creativity? Life is much more fun that that. I'm learning to relax and be more spontaneous and it feels AWESOME.

Time and place for everything once again. Planning is still a big part of me, but one I'm pretty sure I can control.... most of the time. :-)