Friday, December 26, 2014

Who am I?

I feel so out of sorts lately.  Yes, I'm going through some mid-life shit lately.  But who the fuck am I anymore?  I feel so anxious, like I'm trying hard to please everyone.  I can't relax and just be me.  And I want so desperately is to do just that.  So in typical Jake fashion, let's break it down and get to the route cause.  When do I feel this way?
work:  I've just started a new job and have to prove myself.  It's a leap for me too.  While I'm a pretty strong functional expert, I'm weak on strategy.  Tactical is my game.  But that's not what's needed unfortunately.  So I have to stretch myself.  I'm faking it right now and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  However, I'm confident that all will slide into place. This awkwardness is just temporary.
home:  I'm trying to be Mother of the Year by making up for all the shit I've caused my kids.  I feel guilty for not being there for them when they need me, for not having the time to cook healthy and delicious meals, for not getting down on the carpet to play with them all the time, for no longer having the means to whisk them away to Fla on vacation.  I am trying to hard and still falling short of my own unreasonable expectations.
other:  I'm stuck in a stressful situation that is completely out of my control.  And that is not a place I feel comfortable with -- putting my happiness in someone else's hands.  Then again, I can and should decide how I want to act, what I need, what I'll accept.  And yet I see myself behaving in ways that contradict what I want and this upsets me greatly.

I think all of this stems from trying to please other people.  I latch on to how I think they want me to behave, and behave accordingly, even when it goes against who I really am.  And the dis-ingenuity of it all makes me feel nauseous because I know that I won't be able to keep it up.  I am duping them and myself.  Got to get off this train.

work:  I'm going to just ask questions when I'm not sure.  I'm new!  Now is the time to ask.  I'm also going to delegate.  My leads are super strong and know what to do.
home:  time to dial it back a bit;  cooking is already off the table.  It will come back when there's less crap on my plate.  I have to lower my expectations of myself.  Now is not normal.  Stop trying to make it normal.
other:  Be strong.  Don't settle.  Ever.  I don't have to win anyone.  I'm pretty darn good as I am.  Be authentic.

Sunday, December 7, 2014


Six months ago my life was boring as hell.  I longed for passion, emotion, anything to make life interesting again.  Well.  Now my life has been turned completely on it's head and I would give anything for an hour of peace and bordem. 

I've made some pretty big life changes recently, so it's no wonder that I am stressed to the max.  But I'm also trying to keep everything normal for everyone else and that's not an easy feat.  But life is not normal right now and I've to stop trying to make everyone else feel like it is.  I owe it to my kids to do right by them.  However in my efforts to continue family traditions and pretend like everything is the same. I end up killing myself, creating more stress and expectation that I cannot live up to.  "Don't be so hard on yourself".  Sage advice.  I am doing the best I can and given the circumstances, it's pretty darn good. The ironic thing is that I am now all alone in my struggle.  Sure I have some friends and family that support me, but my emotions, fears, decisions are all my own.  It's a lot to handle and still be a good mom, employee, friend, sister, etc.  I didn't realize how much emotional energy those relationships take from me.

Tomorrow I start a new job.  More change and stress that I am struggling with.  I know the key to a good start is being positive and receptive -- learning from those around me and taking time to navigate the workplace.  Problem is my personal life is a complete disaster and I know that it will affect me on the job.  This is another example of my misperception of reality.  Everyone brings their personal problems to the workplace.  It's life.  I can do this though -- manage both.

I feel better for getting this out of my head and in cyberspace.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  That's right Baby.  I won't be so hard on myself.  It's a lot right now and it's okay to be stressed and emotional.  It won't be like this forever though. xx