Sunday, April 24, 2011

Where is the Love?

After weeks of giving and not receiving, I finally decided to dig in my heels and give no more. I was beginning to feel like a doormat and my wall of resentment towered over me. But rather make my partner realize that I deserve to get what I need (affection, kind words, empathy), it made him start to resent me for not giving him what he needs (appreciation, admiration, sex). I endured weeks of him ignoring me -- not a single touch, no engaging conversations, no signs that I mean something to him other than a sex partner (of course there was no intimacy at all during this time either). I in turn snapped back at his rejection with my most favourite game -- blame, shame and complain. I was angry and bitter and hurt. The porn was the last straw. After stewing for days, I finally confronted him with my pain. And he opened up to me as well -- "D, I feel unloved and unappreciated. Everything I do is met with criticism. You are very unpleasant to be with lately so it's no wonder I don't want to spend any time with you. If ever I try to be affectionate, you brush me off or accuse me of being a pig, so I've given up trying". This was very difficult to hear but I knew that it was true. I did not like being the cold unreceptive wife. The anger was eating away at my heart and making me hate myself even more.
Thankfully we both realized that neither of us was willing to reach out to the other -- nobody took the high road, which is how we ended up both feeling completely unloved. Once again, Love is the answer. I'm glad the storm cloud is behind us. Today, I am at peace. I am not annoyed or resentful. It's okay and okay is good.
So next time I decide to be less than all I can be, I will think twice. Because you get what you give in the end. Anger is no way to live.

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