The Power of Staying Positive

What am amazing stint this acting job has been. I haven't felt this alive in years -- things are moving, work is flying off our things to do list, everyone is smiling, my colleagues are even telling me that I'm doing a great job and wish that it would never end. It feels really good to be a part of something so positive.

This is yet another example of how toxic negative energy can be. Blame, criticism, defensiveness -- these behaviours do more than make you look bad. They fester and spread, they cloud your perception and creep into your psyche. I know that it's true in my relationship. When I carry hurt in my heart, I am miserable. And now I see that it's true at work too. Once we stopped making excuses for our lack of focus and just put our heads down and did the work as best we could, we produced quality work and loads of it! What did I do? Nothing -- I simply let people do their jobs. They are competent and I showed my faith in them and they soared. Hell, I look good because they worked their asses off. It can't be this easy?

And now sadly, it will come to an end in a few days. But now that I know how great it is living with positive vibes, I can't go back to living in that storm cloud. The team and I, we've changed. It's not going to be the same again.

The unmistakable touch of grace

Just started reading this spirituality book by Cheryl Richardson that was recommended to me by my intuitive. I'm in a bit of reading slump these days, so even though it wouldn't be my first choice, I'm giving it a shot because there must be some divine reason that I am supposed to read this book. Or is there? Am I just replacing one religion with another? Putting my destiny in the hand of the unknown is part of what's turned me off of religion, so why am I looking for it under a different name? Try to have an open mind D. These passages are good for starters:

You are not alone. There is a powerful, supportive energy guiding your life and it always has your best interest at heart. When you call upon it for guidance and support, it will respond. Spiritual signposts will be put in your path to guide you to your highest good. Follow them!

You have a higher purpose for your life. The more you surrender to the Divine will and allow grace to lead, the more you’ll find that the right doors open to support you in fulfilling your life’s purpose. You’ll learn to recognize and respond to them. Walk through those doors with courage and faith.
You have what it takes to face any life challenge. As a human being you will experience loss, disappointment, failure, and fear. But you don’t have to suffer. As a matter of fact, your most challenging life circumstance may turn out to be your greatest blessing. Your reliance on the power of grace will give you the faith and spiritual fortitude to face life’s ups and downs with confidence and poise.
You are a student in the school of life. As you view your life from a higher, more spiritual perspective, you’ll begin to see that everything happens for a reason. Every event, experience, and person you encounter is intended to support your soul development. Take advantage of these opportunities.
You have the peace and happiness you desire already within you. When you deepen your connection to the Divine by balancing activity with silence, you’ll discover the true source of all joy and happiness. You’ll experience a heightened sensitivity to beauty, deep inner peace, and a profound feeling of connectedness to all living things. Enjoy these gifts.

Where is the Love?

After weeks of giving and not receiving, I finally decided to dig in my heels and give no more. I was beginning to feel like a doormat and my wall of resentment towered over me. But rather make my partner realize that I deserve to get what I need (affection, kind words, empathy), it made him start to resent me for not giving him what he needs (appreciation, admiration, sex). I endured weeks of him ignoring me -- not a single touch, no engaging conversations, no signs that I mean something to him other than a sex partner (of course there was no intimacy at all during this time either). I in turn snapped back at his rejection with my most favourite game -- blame, shame and complain. I was angry and bitter and hurt. The porn was the last straw. After stewing for days, I finally confronted him with my pain. And he opened up to me as well -- "D, I feel unloved and unappreciated. Everything I do is met with criticism. You are very unpleasant to be with lately so it's no wonder I don't want to spend any time with you. If ever I try to be affectionate, you brush me off or accuse me of being a pig, so I've given up trying". This was very difficult to hear but I knew that it was true. I did not like being the cold unreceptive wife. The anger was eating away at my heart and making me hate myself even more.

Thankfully we both realized that neither of us was willing to reach out to the other -- nobody took the high road, which is how we ended up both feeling completely unloved. Once again, Love is the answer. I'm glad the storm cloud is behind us. Today, I am at peace. I am not annoyed or resentful. It's okay and okay is good.
So next time I decide to be less than all I can be, I will think twice. Because you get what you give in the end. Anger is no way to live.

Why I'm not voting for the Cons

Integrity, accountability, transparency, DEMOCRACY. These words mean something to me. I consider public office a high honour -- we give our government the privilege of serving our interests and yet with the Harper government, he only serves the interests of his party and their rich, right-wing, religious zealots. Ignatieff was right this week when he said that Harper shuts down any form of dissension. Muzzling government officials, refusing to provide access to government information, misappropriating public funds, vetoing bills in the Senate, lying to parliament. The list goes on and on. This is not democracy. This is not my Canada. And still the polls remain unchanged. I heard on the CBC that scandal means nothing to voters unless it's a sex scandal or results in profiteering. This boggles my mind! Millions of people put their lives on the line for democracy all over the world and all we have to do over here is simply VOTE -- send the message that democracy matters. Wake up Canada!

I'm the boss

Finally, a chance at the job I am perfectly suited to. Hurray, my dreams have come true!! So why am I miserable? It's over-whelming and I don't know where to start. Part of me wants to start from the start. What is our mandate and our objectives. This will set our priorities. K, but then I can see too few staff aimlessly working on big loosely defined projects. But what about those urgent tasks that hijack our projects.  Maybe I need to track these to stay on top of the work that's actually getting done. Sadly, this inability to focus has become a way of life for us, including myself who used to be the productivity master. How can I help us achieve? My day has finally arrived and I haven't a fucking clue to lead us to victory. Part of me wants to have daily scrums with the team -- name two things that you will accomplish today. That's it, just two things. But then part of me feels we need a break from micro-managing. The team doesn't need more interruptions from me nor do they need to keep providing status updates. Frig! I have to trust that they know what they are doing and empower them to make their own decisions instead of making them ask for permission all the time. It's been years since any of us have had a normal work life and I'm worried that it's too late. My worst fear is that nothing will get done and my dream of making a difference will be just that, a dream. I think I have to follow my gut on this one. We will complete three things this month. We will work together. We will measure our progress. We will succeed!

Politics

A bit of election fever over here -- have been so anxious to talk about how things are playing out for each party, who is likely to win, etc. that when I had both sides of the family over for some cake tonight, I froze. It was clear from the onset that none of us shared the same views and everyone could feel the tension, so thankfully the conversation went no where. I didn't want to challenge my Dad -- I didn't want to ask my BIL why he thought Ignatieff was untrustworthy -- I just wanted everyone to be happy. Perhaps the timing was wrong, it was my son's b-day after all. But I think it goes deeper than that. Politics are 'incendiary'. Talking about it does not really inform and educate, it isolates and can even insult. I'm passionate about my views and I feel that those with opposing views are uninformed and hell I even think a lot of them to be selfish and naive. And this makes me feel awful because I should realize that a person's political aflictions say nothing about the people they truly are. Judging is wrong D. I need to be accepting of other viewpoints and try to learn from them. And yet, here I am only talking politics with those who share my views. Why? So we can agree and pat each other on the back? K, I feel like I'm turning this into another identity, that is strengthened by vilifying the other side. 'Us vs them' is not what I need more of. Time to be more objective.

I'm better than you

Has parenting, environmentalism and spirituality become my new religion? My mind is always a buzz trying to think of how I can improve in all of these areas -- "I should be doing more" is my mantra. But what does this say about my own sense of self? Is this just my ego screaming out for more? Am I sending out the message that I am better than everyone else who does not make these things a priority? A psychologist friend of mine sees the pressure in perfectionist parenting as people's way of seeking an identity, one they feel is superior to others. She says that it takes having a strong sense of self to not fall into the rat race.

I condone my old man for falling prey to religious zealots, but maybe I'm doing the same thing with my own beliefs? A friend of mine tries not to cling to opinions or become too emotionally attached to anything he thinks. After that happens, you are defending your own dogma. EVERYTHING should be up for questioning and debate -- when proven wrong, simply appreciate that you are better informed.

I think this goes back to intent. How often do I brag about what I am doing? How often do I try to convince others that I am right and they are wrong? How often do I judge people by their choices rather than by who they are as people? What about when I fail to see that it's a matter of choice and compromise -- every one's circumstances are different afterall. I may do x, y and z but at the expense of a, b and c. Respect for others is key!