Monday, May 10, 2010

the tendency is to push it as far as you can

I can relate completely to this statement. Everything I do seems to be about extremes. Food, booze, fitness -- it's all or nothing with me. When I like something, I start to play games with myself -- how far can I take this? But have I gone too far with my obsessions? Do I have the will power to stop?

The problem with being obsessed is that I'm never satisfied and I'm never in the present. I start thinking ahead to my next fix, and then when I get it, I'm let down because it's never as good as I imagined -- like what I am feeling this very minute. I seem to forget this feeling of emptiness though because I know that as soon as it subsides, I'll be dreaming about my next snack, drink, run, encounter, etc.

Rather than easing into my 40s, I seem to be collecting more obsessions. Frugality is my latest challenge. I fantasize about more and more ways to pinch pennies -- each scheme more extreme than the next. This aricle on 'out-cheaping' rings true for me. I get a real charge out of it. Funny how the article also says that those with obsessed personalities are more likely to be cheap asses.

So where does this come from? Tolle would say that this is my Ego wanting more. The more I do, the more I am. Or is this just my competitive side, driving myself to do better.... which sounds a lot like perfectionism *sigh*. Maybe it's just a lack of self-discipline?

Pushing yourself sounds nobel. I don't think I'm hurting anyone with my extreme nature. It's just that I have a hard time turning it off. It's tiring. A friend of mine told me that her partner asked her if she had an off switch. This is how I feel. I'd like to be able to turn my mind off once in a while and just enjoy being in the moment instead of concocting my next scheme. I want to be in the peace that only presence can give me.

So how do I stop my obsessions from holding me hostage? I'll give myself credit for being in the awareness stage. I'm not going to give up the things and people that make me happy -- cold turkey doesn't work for me. Turning my focus to the present is what I need to do. Stop for a second -- I'm listening to my breathing, what do I hear, feel, smell? When I'm thinking about what's going on around me, my mind is not wandering. I like this feeling. It's peaceful.

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