I figured it out!

With a little help :-). I think I understand the source of my relationship angst. I can't stand it when my partner talks to me like a child -- commands me to do something, demands compliance. When I tell him how this makes me feel, he defends himself with every excuse possible which makes me feel worse because he's basically telling me that my feelings don't count -- more childhood neurosis. There is no arguing with my partner -- in his mind he is rarely wrong. Feeling completely unloved and unrespected, I pull away. I am the Ice Queen for days. But it kills me inside because I don't like it when we are not getting along. The lack of any kind of affection is too much to take and finally I cave in. I apologize, we have sex and start all over again. This has been my life for the past two years. I am grateful for finally knowing exactly what it is that's pissed me off all this time. I just saved myself thousands of dollars of couples therapy! Now, how to fix it. It should be easy -- my partner has to change. WRONG ANSWER -- I cannot expect him to change. Been there with other relationships, bought the break-up t-shirt. I HAVE TO CHANGE. I have to forgive my Dad for never once considering my Mom's feelings or respecting her wishes. I have to forgive him for barking orders at us like soldiers in his platoon, for never once considering our feelings or letting us express an opposing view. I have to realize that most of us are naturally defensive when accused of a wrong-doing. I have to just accept that my partner is a defense attorney at heart and that he will not change. I should also insist that he treat me respectfully.  It's a deal breaker. Will these changes fix what's broken? Time will only tell. At least it's a start. I already feel better from just typing it.