Thursday, June 30, 2011

I figured it out!

With a little help :-). I think I understand the source of my relationship angst. I can't stand it when my partner talks to me like a child -- commands me to do something, demands compliance. When I tell him how this makes me feel, he defends himself with every excuse possible which makes me feel worse because he's basically telling me that my feelings don't count -- more childhood neurosis. There is no arguing with my partner -- in his mind he is rarely wrong. Feeling completely unloved and unrespected, I pull away. I am the Ice Queen for days. But it kills me inside because I don't like it when we are not getting along. The lack of any kind of affection is too much to take and finally I cave in. I apologize, we have sex and start all over again. This has been my life for the past two years. I am grateful for finally knowing exactly what it is that's pissed me off all this time. I just saved myself thousands of dollars of couples therapy! Now, how to fix it. It should be easy -- my partner has to change. WRONG ANSWER -- I cannot expect him to change. Been there with other relationships, bought the break-up t-shirt. I HAVE TO CHANGE. I have to forgive my Dad for never once considering my Mom's feelings or respecting her wishes. I have to forgive him for barking orders at us like soldiers in his platoon, for never once considering our feelings or letting us express an opposing view. I have to realize that most of us are naturally defensive when accused of a wrong-doing. I have to just accept that my partner is a defense attorney at heart and that he will not change. I should also insist that he treat me respectfully.  It's a deal breaker. Will these changes fix what's broken? Time will only tell. At least it's a start. I already feel better from just typing it.

1 comment:

  1. postscript: brought it up tonight, same result as expected "I didn't say that", "well, you talk to me that way too", blah, blah, blah, followed by that old familiar "I can't do anything right for you, I'm tired and going to bed" look of disgust. Nice!