More from this saucy relationship book. It's all the old school advice my mom gave me but for the modern woman. A lot of it no longer applies as I am well into my married years, but I'm learning a few things.
Here's a good example of giving too much -- quitting your activities. When you give up your interests to spend more time with your partner you are creating a void that you will eventually expect your partner to fill. My 'ah ha' moment. We also become less interesting. Most importantly, we send the message that we value ourselves less and will eventually be treated as such. And yet, it seems so natural to devote time to your relationship in those early days when you are high on new love. Years of marriage later and I have thankfully added back some of what I gave up. I've been feeling guilty for all my time away from the family but really it's probably done my relationship a world of good.
Nagging. Let me be honest with myself. Do I nag a lot? I nag the kids. I repeatedly tell them what to do. It's acceptable because I am a mother. Does my nagging extend to my partner? I'm going to ask him right now. Hold the phone. Phew, I am not a nag. I am demanding, but I do not nag. I just ask too much. Yikes, not what I want either, but I'll take it.
I want to be his lover, not his mother. It's not easy to be attractive to a nag. A nag is not really respected -- she's ignored. Hmmmm. I'm feeling ignored lately. So what is the alternative to nagging? Ask for something once and only once. If he doesn't do it then do it yourself. This is exactly what I do mainly because I personally cannot bear to hear myself nag. Problem is, I end up doing more than my fair share, he becomes accustomed to it, takes it for granted, I feel unappreciated and unloved! So much for not nagging. This book suggests pulling away slightly. Not so easy when you are married. Does that mean withholding sex? I've tried that too and have just ended up climbing the walls. Plus I don't think it's right to use sex as a weapon ... all the time. :-) The other anti-nag strategy is to ask someone else for help. You can't hang the pictures for me? Well maybe your Dad could help me do it. I know this works, but again I don't like these kind of threats. It's just not respectful. Best anti-nag strategy is to ask once and wait. We've been together long enough for him to know when he's needed. Silence can be deadly. "Would you hang those pictures for me please?" pause. Some excuse. Repeat only once using the exact same words -- "So, would you hang those pictures for me please?" As long as you stay sweet and stick to the request it works.
Will be interesting to see if I'll remember to put these tips to practice. It sounds awfully manipulative, but if toned down it might improve our relationship?
Here's a good example of giving too much -- quitting your activities. When you give up your interests to spend more time with your partner you are creating a void that you will eventually expect your partner to fill. My 'ah ha' moment. We also become less interesting. Most importantly, we send the message that we value ourselves less and will eventually be treated as such. And yet, it seems so natural to devote time to your relationship in those early days when you are high on new love. Years of marriage later and I have thankfully added back some of what I gave up. I've been feeling guilty for all my time away from the family but really it's probably done my relationship a world of good.
Nagging. Let me be honest with myself. Do I nag a lot? I nag the kids. I repeatedly tell them what to do. It's acceptable because I am a mother. Does my nagging extend to my partner? I'm going to ask him right now. Hold the phone. Phew, I am not a nag. I am demanding, but I do not nag. I just ask too much. Yikes, not what I want either, but I'll take it.
I want to be his lover, not his mother. It's not easy to be attractive to a nag. A nag is not really respected -- she's ignored. Hmmmm. I'm feeling ignored lately. So what is the alternative to nagging? Ask for something once and only once. If he doesn't do it then do it yourself. This is exactly what I do mainly because I personally cannot bear to hear myself nag. Problem is, I end up doing more than my fair share, he becomes accustomed to it, takes it for granted, I feel unappreciated and unloved! So much for not nagging. This book suggests pulling away slightly. Not so easy when you are married. Does that mean withholding sex? I've tried that too and have just ended up climbing the walls. Plus I don't think it's right to use sex as a weapon ... all the time. :-) The other anti-nag strategy is to ask someone else for help. You can't hang the pictures for me? Well maybe your Dad could help me do it. I know this works, but again I don't like these kind of threats. It's just not respectful. Best anti-nag strategy is to ask once and wait. We've been together long enough for him to know when he's needed. Silence can be deadly. "Would you hang those pictures for me please?" pause. Some excuse. Repeat only once using the exact same words -- "So, would you hang those pictures for me please?" As long as you stay sweet and stick to the request it works.
Will be interesting to see if I'll remember to put these tips to practice. It sounds awfully manipulative, but if toned down it might improve our relationship?
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